Hello all,

I'm not one to post often although I read here more then I post. One thing I've noticed about this site is that people really feel and care for each other. I've often wished to be a part of this group (entire site). Let me start off by saying I'm begging for help because I've never felt so alone as I feel today. My daughters ages 15 & 19 are out shopping, WH is with OW and OC giving gifts & spending unauthorized time(we didn't even buy our daughters one thing for xmas because we're taking them to Jamaica on the 4th of january), mother is dead, no sisters, 1 brother(not close),dad to sick to cry on his shoulders, and very very few friends who don't have their own problems and are tired of hearing mine.

God knows I'm in a very unhealthy marriage and it has taken its toll on me and I don't know how to stop the abuse. I can't begin to tell u the thoughts that run through my mind. My H is a habitual cheater who has fathered another child after 18 years of marriage with a co-worker. Mind you this is not the only other woman in his life. Although WH makes at least 50% of what I make he's no responsile and I find entire income covering th majority of the bills. The smal percentage that he does contribute is definatly needed and I feel trapped. WH knows we need each other and uses it to his advantage to have his ice cream, cake and eat it too.

God knows I love my husband and I can't even tell you why. His actions are so ugly. I guess I can see that he can be a beautiful person if he were not so weak. Pray for me and my family. & help me find the right direction if you will.

merry xmas all. I pray that your xmas is better then mine.

D

Robbed,

I'm not familiar with your story, but wanted to stop in and offer you support.

The holidays are so tough for many people. It's a bit of a fantasy to think they are joyful for everyone. New Years in particular is always a reflective time for me.

I believe personal recovery is actually more important than marital recovery, for one reason - you can't have marital recovery until you have personally recovered from the fallout of infidelity. The ripple effect of the dishonesty/betrayal is unbelieveable.

We all know that we can't change others; so look ahead to the year 2004. Who do you want to be? What are your dreams, goals, hopes for yourself. What are you willing to do to be a better you in 2004 - especially what are you willing to do to take better care of yourself?

Blessings to you Robbed. I am very sorry you are dealing with the consequences of your marriage to a sex addict. CSue

Best Wishes and Merry Xmas to you too robbed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Sue thank you so much for responding & you are so right. I need to start focusing on myself and forget the other party and parties in all of this.

Hang in there robbed and work on yourself. You will feel so much better. I completely took over responsibility for my own happiness. Have been on exercise program, church support group, organized and feng-shued (or however it is spelled) the house, remodeled bathroom, painted, made yard very nice, detailed car, etc.

My H is still living with OW, but I am completely better and happy most days. If you accept the fact that H is not going to meet your needs, it is really freeing. Life can be good again.

I am so thankful for this place. I often feel so bad for people that are going through this who don't have a computer, or have not found this site. The people here can get you through anything. Last night there was an uproar with my H. But I didn't do too badly (well at least I didn't shoot him). I knew I could depend on the anonymous folks here. It is a wonderful source of support and hope.

I'm trying hard and pray that someday I find myself in a place where the pain does not hurt as much. It's just that I get so scared and loose all the nerve to move on without him. My daughters are more tired then I am and wants me to leave WH. But this time I'm going to try hard. I kind of wish we were not planning on going to Jamaica. I surely can't see myself spending 6 nights with him on a island <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Thank Gos my girls are coming too. At least I can focus on them.

Thanks for responding and may God bless you with a Merry chistmas.

Dear robbed,

I wish you a Merry Christmas and am sorry it is so hard for you. Sometimes we just make choices in life that are pretty tough to live with and it sounds like you have made some choices that are robbing you of your life. Hopefully, with some support and guidance, we can help you make some better choices in the coming year that don't leave you feeling robbed. Just remember, the buck stops with you and no one else. Wish you the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would truly appreciate any and all help & support that I can get. I don't care if you have to be ice cold when helping me to wake up. I just threw some of husbands clothes on the front porch. I'm pretty sure that will tell him that I want him out of here. Thanks so much for caring

Oops - must be something in the air. Tuesday night I threw Christmas presents out in the street. But I don't think that is part of any of the marriagebuilders plans. However I know how it feels to be so hurt and angry.

Please try to enjoy your time in Jamaica with your daughters. It will be a trip they always remember, also some much needed rest and relaxation for you.

Try to learn to take care of yourself. After years of taking care of everyone else it may be hard at first. But it can be very comforting.

Also keep reading and posting here. It really does change you, and soon you will be feeling better. Hugs to you from California.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong>

My H is a habitual cheater who has fathered another child after 18 years of marriage with a co-worker. Mind you this is not the only other woman in his life. D </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, robbed, here is what I think. I think that you cannot change other people. You recognize that your H is a serial cheater but CHOOSE to live with him. Big girls have to be responsible for their choices. Why then, are you surprised or upset when he does what you KNOW is in his nature? A serial cheater................CHEATS.

They get other women pregnant.

They leave their wife home on Christmas because they are not loyal to their spouse or their vows. But this is no surprise to you. You are a big girl. You have chosen to live like this. You have robbed yourself.

I am sorry your choices have turned out so badly, but you knew what they were.

Now is the time to face the truth. And that is, can you LIVE like this and accept him how he is? It is very unlikely to ever change. You can't change him nor does he have any reason TO change.

But what you can do is take your life back into your OWN HANDS instead of living at the mercy of a callous serial cheater. Stop robbing yourself, robbed. Close the bank door and stop the plunder. Just close the door.

In practical terms, that means is move to Plan B IMMEDIATELY and remove yourself from this sordid mess. Who knows, maybe Plan B will motivate him to make changes. And maybe not. Either way, you will benefit because you will detach yourself from this sanity and regain some sanity and self respect. Time to quit robbing yourself, robbed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong> I would truly appreciate any and all help & support that I can get. I don't care if you have to be ice cold when helping me to wake up. I just threw some of husbands clothes on the front porch. I'm pretty sure that will tell him that I want him out of here. Thanks so much for caring </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't do it that way. Go get his clothes and bring them in. Don't join his insanity. I would read some Plan B letters on this forum and start writing a good one. In addition to making plans to separate.

As someone once told me, my WW has no respect for me. I guess at that time I didn't have a lot of respect for myself either. I've put alot of pieces of my life back together but have a long way to go. I do have a lot more respect for myself now and I am the one responsible for making myself happy. I think Michelle Weiner Davis 180 checklist also helped. I quit being so needy and I think WW saw that in me. I think it also helped me put more perspective in my life. I have spent more time with my kids, worked more on the house, got myself in better physical shape, lost about 45lbs. I feel better than I have for years. And its because I decided to respect myself. So, even if your husband doesn't respect you, learn to respect yourself. Make the changes in your life and if you feel you want him in it, make him respect you. I know this may not be what you are looking for, but it has helped me. I hope you get through this and remember you have a great support group right here with all of us at MB. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Hi Robbed,

How are you doing today?

I've been in your shoes Hon, but my ex-H fathered TWO OC with TWO OW. He too is a serial cheater and a very weak selfish dishonorable man.

As I now look back, I wished I would have been stronger and respected myself more, instead of loving him to the point I continued to believe many years of lies and manipulations. There were times I doubted his honesty but he was very well versed in twisting and cajolling the truth to where I felt guilty for doubting him. And believe me, he milked it.

I do know how bad you're feeling, and I know it looks like there isn't a way out because you love him. I would hate to see you or any one go as many years as I did only to be hurt more in the end. I felt all my choices were taken from me up until the day he left me. I was also angry and hurt because HE left ME, not the other way around. After all I put up with, he ended up leaving me yet again for another OW.

The good news is HE DID LEAVE ME and DIVORCED ME. Now I have a life free from all that badness. I don't have to worry or have that pit in my stomache of what terrible looming deceitful thing is on the horizon, or what OW hates me or wants to hurt me because I'm married to him and he happens to be boinking them.

I'm just sharing my story with you. I'm not advising you to leave or stay. When you are ready, hopefully you'll have the courage to do what's right for you [Plan B?]. Just one piece of advice I will give you .... life can be better and you CAN survive and even thrive after this, it's taking the first steps that's the hardest.

Much love and understanding.
Jo

<small>[ December 25, 2003, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Thank you all for responding. Please know that I respect and value your input. Well Husband spent the night with OW last night and My daughters and I spent the day 1 1/2 hour away at my dads house. WH came home to find us gone and called my dads house twice. Each time I hung up on him. I left him a note on top of his clothes that read "Love does not live here anymore. I wish you noting but happiness. Thank you and Merry xmas". Husband knew just how far away I was and had at least 8 hours to gather the rest of his belongings in peace. I came home only to find that he took a few things(hung some back up) and left everything else including is musical instruments. He made mention to my cousin that he would be back on Sunday to get the rest of his horns because he has a gig. H does not have a car he borrowed cousins car to take clothing to his sisters house.

MELODY and LOST-WITH-OUT-HER you're 1000% right. I have to take responsibility for my part in tolerating all of this madness and learn to respect myself. There's just a part of me who found it hard to believe that people could be so wicked. I always believed in my heart and soul that someday he would change. WRONG!!!! His actions have only gotten worse and I'm so low. I've done things that I never thought I would do. I've felt so desperate. God help me I can't go on like this. When I think about it I feel so stupid.

Jamaica, how can I exercise plan B when we're all schedualed to go on this trip for 6 nights?

Darn I just went to check the water in the furnice and found that hubby left majority of clothing in the basement. Must have taken only what he needed for the weekend. This si rediculous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sorry to hear that Robbed. Really sorry.

What I'm wondering is, what do YOU want?

In all of his affair drama and hurtful actions and words, I can imagine it's hard to even start thinking about what you want, especially when you feel you're simply trying to survive this. But that's what you should really try and do, decide what it is YOU want. Then you can follow a plan, whether it be Plan A/Plan B, or Plan D for a divorce.

Jo

I believe I'm ready for plan B I just don't know how. Just orderd the book surviving an affair. I love him but I'm willing to risk losing him. I've given him over 20years of my life and I can't see going through this madness for another 20.

Plan B is pretty simple. Write a letter saying I don't want to have any contact with you until you are willing to come back to rebuild our M and have no further contact with OW.

You may have given him 20 years of your life, but what is worse is giving such an inconsiderate man 20 years and 1 day of your life.

I don't see how you can love a person who treats you so badly. It's not love. It may be a commitment to the institution of marriage. It may be the illusion of love from memories of happier times. But it isn't love to allow someone to walk all over you. It is love to remove yourself from them and expect respect from them.

I think you are underestimating the emotional trauma you are going through. Are you sleeping at night? Are you losing your temper at other drivers, clerks, your children? Are you waffling back and forth about what to do?

HE made the choice to treat you badly. YOU can make the choice that, no matter what the consequences, you simply won't tolerate it.

<small>[ December 25, 2003, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Dear Robbed,

U need to build your support group right around you. Between them and MB here you will learn to make it through these rough times. The sooner you disassociate yourself from his game the sooner you will heal.

I had to remove the things that pained me to see of the WS'. That meant his clothes were 1st neatly packed up. 2nd time they went into garbage bags and after the 3rd time, they went flying on the front lawn. It got easier to pack up his stuff each time.

The point is that I hurt seeing this things in my home. That home was a sanctuary for our family and seeing his things while he was doing the nasty out there somewhere hurt way tooo much. So the less I saw and heard of him the more I healed. It took me quite a while to learn that lesson but when I did, plan B became much easier.

Read the concepts section above. Your children can be part of your support group and you don't have to tell all your support everything. You'd be surprised where your support will come from. It c/b a family pet, a total stranger, your children, their teachers....anyone. Just be aware and work with it. Hug your children daily, let them know you will not abandon then and then watch their love reciporcate.

Keep posting..... I have an idea but I need to wait until my temper calms down. My BP is up because your H's actions are very upsetting. Well not only because of that.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I had to work today also and well I am sure you can see that did not leave me in a good mood - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But I will survive. My idea will come later and I am sure it will give you a laugh LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are underestimating the emotional trauma you are going through. Are you sleeping at night? Are you losing your temper at other drivers, clerks, your children? Are you waffling back and forth about what to do?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please know that in no way have I underestimated
the emotional trauma that I have/am experiencing. I know that I need to remove myself and my daughters from this sick situation and I'm working on that. "FEAR" has held me under lock and key for a long time but I've put my fear aside and I've replaced it with "FAITH". To answer your questions, of course I've done all of those things in the past. I've been suffering so long I know not to hold other people (excluding OW but only to a point)responsible for my husbands actions. Of course I Waffle back and forth and have been for many years. I've left H for 3 years before and I know I can do it again. You are right though 20+ years + 1 day is much worse.

Orchid I'm looking forward <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I hope you feel better.
Ive tried hard to build a support system around me but I have very very few friends. Many don't want to hear it or have their own marital problems. Some just can't understand why its so hard to just walk away without looking back and I can go on and on. This is how/why I happened to run across this site and I thank God for you all. I'm just sorry to know that most of us are in someway in the same boat.

Hey! do you think it would be a good idea to give H the no contact letter on the island of Jamaica? I doubt very seriously if he'll watch me and my daughters board that plan without boarding it with us. So far I have not spoken to since xmas eve and I hung up on him twice.

I do appreciate you all for being here and taking the time thank you so much.