It is almost 3 weeks since D-day. I kicked my h out on D-day. I have never made any bones about the fact that an affair would end the marriage. Little did I know that by day 3 or 4 I would realize that I wanted to give my marriage another try. But my h isn't helping. He keeps saying he loves me, that he wants to make it work, that the A is over, that we can have a better marriage, that he wants to stop lying and be stronger for me. BUT, he's not doing anything about it. An occasional email, an occasional call and that's it. I askef for three things...1 a counseling apt (it's not until 1/5), a paternity test on the oc he believes resulted from the A (he has found a lab but not gone), and a No Contact letter or meeting by this monday. He said he'd call me from work last night and didn't, nothing from him today and I think he's going hunting with friends this week-end(he doesn't hunt, he'll just hang out and drink beer). I've asked him to let me know if he spends any $$$ (I'm paying bills right now)...and nothing although checking the statement online shows he's spending. I've asked him to clue me in on what he's doing on his days off since he told me he's not with her...he agrees but then doesn't comply. Why does he say the right things and then do nothing? I hate this. I feel rejected all over again. How long do I wait for him to get in gear. How do I stop waiting and move on? I hate this feeling!!! I have to believe it's the freedom. He has always seen me as overcontrolling of him. I've told him I want to work on it. But, if he doesn't come home I can't. How do I get him to want to come home. How do I believe his claim that the A is over...I keep asking how she knows...he called her on D-day to tell her I knew about the oc and was demanding a paternity test and to find the exact date of birth (he was still lying big time on d-day to save his skin and marriage). I find it hard to believe he hasn't talked to her since then and she hasn't tried to find him to see what happened....it stinks... I don't know what to do...plan A/ Plan B.. play it cool, wait him out, make requests....file for divorce, what????

Lori, what you do now is cool your jets and do some damage repair. I hate to tell you this, but throwing him out literally threw him into the arms of the OW. Please just prepare yourself for this. Now, lets try and fix this.

Your best chance of undoing this damage is executing a Plan A that is designed to attract him back. You won't attract him back with lovebusters http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html
or ultimatums. He isn't getting all that flack from the OW, so every time you make an angry demand, you just make the OW look that much more attractive and push him her way. You have to make yourself MORE attractive.

You attract him back by avoiding all lovebusters and by trying to meet his needs. [try and determine his top needs by taking the emotional needs questionaire for him]

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5520_qa.html

He is probably in the throes of a fantasy addiction. He was probably vulnerable to an affair if he felt you were controlling of him. That makes most men feel like they are not respected or admired. They are then vulnerable to the first woman who comes along and looks up to him.

This addiction will most likely wear off when the light of reality breaks through. The idea is to do your best to bide your time and cause no damage until he comes out of the addiction.

Secondly, please run to the bookstore and buy Surviving an Affair. It will help you understand what is happening here and will be a huge help.

Here is some good stuff on Plan A:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=000176

Please read these articles as soon as you can and then come back here and ask any questions you might have. Just know that this is NOT HOPELESS at all and you will get lots of help here. You will be ok.

<small>[ December 26, 2003, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Your situation is very common. The same thing happened to me. H kept saying all the right things, but never did anything. I just couldn't believe it. Even his relatives believed him. But after 3 months of no action, I finally figured out not to listen to his words, but look at actions. I told him I was only looking at actions, and still nothing. He continued seeing OW and ignoring me, while saying he wanted to work things out.

Now his whole family thinks it is my fault because he wants to come back and I wouldn't let him. That is his story. For 6 months now my H has done nothing to try to save our marriage, and blames me.

My advice is to go on with your own life and take responsibility for meeting your needs, and taking care of you. Otherwise the difference in what he says and does will drive you crazy. Good luck and keep posting and reading here.

Oddly enough he called last night about 30 minutes after I posted. We had another 2 hour phone call where he takes my abuse and answers my questions (although I am abusing much less...I don't want to push him away, my hurt just seems to take over)...this time it was accompanied by me drinking 3 glasses of wine, which brought the conversation to new levels... I think he actually had to "put me to bed" from the next town over (he's staying at a friend's apt. 20 minutes away).

He asked me to go out with him on New Year's Eve so we can talk. I reiterated my "three point list" for him to come home. I didn't committ to New Years yet. I want to see what he does. My requests are simple....
1. paternity test (we talked about his fears with this...makes it real for him).
2. No Contact letter,
3. Plan for undoing the damage his affair caused me and the marriage(ie mc & ic, retrovaille, how to handle the potential child support, how he can voluntarily give me fewer reasons to be suspicious...his affair happened during the day when he should have been home sleeping (he'd go hang out at her house, when he got sleepy he'd go sleep in her bed and then magically sex happened...how stupid!!!)...he is in law enforcement and works graveyard shift, he was never missing as far as I knew, my suspicions were based on gifts, pictures, a hair one time...a changed radio in my bedroom...he denies she was here which is B*&%S*&T, my stereo was on a country station---the only music neither one of us listens to...changed from a Christian station no less and not close enough to have been an accident.) We'll see.

He is going to come and help de-Christmas the house (i've wanted to do this since D-day...) The fact that he is willing to face me is positive (I keep warning him that I may not be through pounding on him yet...told him to go get me blow up boxing gloves so I don't cause enough damage to get arrested)...then he has to face my parents which is worse (his parents aren't really there for him since his mom did this same thing to his dad when he was like 12...except that her A was with his dad's sister's husband...the two couples divorced...his mom married his uncle and they raised the OC together, she's my h's half sister...it is so sick to me)...my parents, especially my dad, have taken him under their wing...he is going to get "yelled" at by many memebers of my family....for him reconciling is a huge step as far as having to face what he did to me...but at some point, hopefully with the counselor, he will really face the stupid choices he made and realize he can't keep making them.

Pray for us...I feel like we have a chance...I read some of the posts here and get so depressed, but I realize, I'm halfway there...at least his mouth IS saying the right things...some of the jerks here aren't even doing that. I have hope right now and my heart goes out to the others that don't!

I have spent a lot of time reading here and am stuggling with feeling like Plan A lets him off the hook. I don't want him home if he is still seeing her. I can't do that to myself. I did order three books yesterday and will read them when they come next week. In the meantime, I will try to make this a place he wants to come home to. Ironically enough, I really don't think I am competing against the OW anymore...I am somewhat inclined to believe that he was finished with that but didn't know how to get out...our marriage had been improving over the last year...he claims his continued contact was fear that she would file for child support. Knowing my h, it's plausible...he knew if I discovered the A, that our marriage would be over (I've claimed this since we were dating...I was livid when Hillary stayed with Bill...I never knew that I could keep loving someone who betrayed me like this). So he kept the secret to keep me....it's so warped. I think what I am competing agains, more than her is his freedom. He is staying with a single guy and hanging out with the single guys from work...he's gone to football games, he's playing Play Station, he's drinking more beer....bought new golf clubs (he was supposed to get them for Christmas...we'd already bought them...he didn't remember that I told hiim I wouldn't return them since he'd just go out and re-buy them anyways if we stayed split up...now the dork is stuck with used ones from the pawn shop when he could have kept the new ones..hehe!). I don't know how to balance giving him more freedome with learning to trust him again. That is going to be a huge challenge for us.

I will try really hard to work Plan A if he comes over to help with the decorations. It won't be easy, but I know he needs to come home if there is any chance of really starting to work on this mess. Wish me luck!!!

Blessings!

Lori,

Do you understand what Plan A means? It doesn't mean that you let him off the hook, it means that you STOP lovebusters and start trying to meet the needs that have not been met. In short, you STOP doing the things that pushed them into the arms of another woman in the first place.

You might not take him back if he is still with the OW, but I don't see you giving him any motivation to END the affair with her. An ultimatum coupled with angry demands and disrespectful judgements is not likely to work. Who would be attracted to that? THAT is the point of Plan A, to negotiate the end of the affair by giving them a MOTIVATION to end it and come back to you.

You don't have to yell and abuse and make disrespectful judgements to a WS. It is not a requirement and NOT doing it does not mean you are letting them off the hook. When you do stuff like that, you simply make yourself UNATTRACTIVE and make the OW MORE ATTRACTIVE.

When you abuse your spouse with verbal barrages, you REDUCE his love for you. This is not the time to be reducing the love he has for you. See what I mean?

That doesn't mean that you play a doormat or ignore the situation, it just means that you handle it SMARTLY and don't do things that will push him away. You are dealing with an ADDICTED person and you don't bring them to reality by yelling at them.

I hope he does come back but, frankly, I don't see that you are doing much to ATTRACT him back. So while its important to discuss the situation and set boundaries, you don't have to do it in a way that pushes him into the arms of the OW. Please be careful and proceed with caution.

Ok, let's say I am a rational person who can choose between 2 lives. Which will I choose?


Life #1:

hanging out with the single guys from work...he's gone to football games, he's playing Play Station, he's drinking more beer....bought new golf clubs

Life #2:

We had another 2 hour phone call where he takes my abuse and answers my questions (although I am abusing much less...I don't want to push him away, my hurt just seems to take over)

(I keep warning him that I may not be through pounding on him yet...told him to go get me blow up boxing gloves so I don't cause enough damage to get arrested)...

then he has to face my parents which is worse (his parents aren't really there for him since his mom did this same thing to his dad when he was like 12..

he is going to get "yelled" at by many memebers of my family....for him reconciling is a huge step as far as having to face what he did to me.

<small>[ December 27, 2003, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Although I am no expert I have heard of this problem in law enforcement families OFTEN. Working graveyard makes it harder because it is a different world out there at night. Have you ever gone on a ride along? That may give you a new glimpse into his work life. Don't get me wrong I am not making excuse for him just looking at a different perspective.

In addition to reading plan A and plan B here, VERY HELPFUL INFO, you might want to consider seeing the therapist available to your husband/family through his work. I know they have been very helpful to many law enforcement families I know. Take your MB info with you in case they are not familiar with it.
Best of luck and blessings

Thanks for the replies (and the tough love Melody). My h showed up Saturday with flowers in hand and has stayed (although the current deal is separate rooms until the 3 requests are met...letter, test, plan). It was a very trying week-end for both of us, but I was trying very hard to show him what he was missing(when I could stop the questioning for long enough to show him my good side --- I actually set a no affair talk timer and that helped a lot). It worked. He wrote the NC letter today and mailed it
certified mail and return receipt. He drove me to his friendd's apartment and picked up his stuff (and made sure I met his friend). He committed to going for the test tomorrow afternoon and he is working on his plan tonight at work. I
figure I am better off with him here than at a single friends apartment, which is why I backed down on my not request to not come home until these things were done. It's been an emotionally draining three days, but he has had a chance
to really see some my hurt and anguish and I saw more love and remorse from him then I have in three weeks. I am trying very hard to remind myself that I cannot change what happened in the past, but that my focus needs to be future oriented. That is hard while the wound is fresh, but each day will get a little bit easier. My h is choosing the harder road by coming home and that says something to me. Now to keep him on that road, I will have to choose my harder road which is trying to let sleeping dogs lie and not obsess about the details about the affair and focus on us moving forward. I have
recommended he come here, but we'll see. He is still trying to avoid this as much as possible, but it isn't possible to ignore and expect it to go away, especially with an oc. But baby steps I suppose...the letter went out! Praise the
Lord for that!! And if he actually goes for the paternity test tomorrow, I'll be thrilled. He even came up with a plan to ensure she doesn't call him at work and lie saying she's me. All phone calls from "his wife" will be returned to home. He won't answer them when they come in and will have the caller told that he will c/b. I was thrilled that he suggested this because he thinks she called him last week. I am afraid of her reaction when she gets the letter tomorrow. I don't know if she will let him go without a fight. I am not looking forward to this. I don't plan to answer my home phone and I really hope he doesn't talk to her at work (there's a tiny part of me afraid that he will tell her he didn't mean what he wrote, that I made him do it...it's scary). But I can't control that. Send us your prayers.

Blessings to everyone!
Lori

Lori, that is great news! I agree very much with your judgement about letting him come home now. I think its safer for him to be with you when he ends things since you aren't in Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now to keep him on that road, I will have to choose my harder road which is trying to let sleeping dogs lie and not obsess about the details about the affair and focus on us moving forward. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will quite some time before this is a sleeping dog, Lori. This is a traumatic event that you won't be able to brush under the rug for some time.

You will find that you will need to "talk it out" again and again as part of your recovery. He really needs to be prepared for this and be ready to answer your questions and talk about it for some time.

It will take anywhere from 12 to 18 months for you to recover. You will ask the same questions over and over again and think of new ones along the way. It is important for him to be extremely patient with this and for you to not abuse him.

Just know that you DO NEED to talk about this from time to time with him in order to recover. Not to punish him, but to recover from the shock you have endured.

Equally important for recovery is getting into some type of counseling to see what has led to this. If the conditions that made your H vulnerable to an affair are not addressed and resolved, this is all likely to happen again. A real good place to start would be for both of you to take the Emotional Needs Questionaires to see where you both stand.

I do hope that your H comes here because I think we could really help him. Great job, Lori! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the reinforcement. Believe me, I'm getting grief for letting him come home. Thanks for reminding me it's okay to need to talk about it. I just don't want it to be 24/7. I can see him shutting down when I push it. He is going to see his counselor on Monday (been going for a while now due to our lack of a sex life which I blamed on his use of internet porn...what a fool I feel like...the counselor is a specialist in sex addictions but never asked about an affair..maybe now they can make progress). We are also looking for a marriage counselor, but I am looking harder this time. The last one counseled us for 1 1/2 years while the affair was active and he lied to her and me (I was suspicious and she kept telling me I had to believe him or leave; she even asked him one on one more than once if he was having an affair and he denied it each time...I went back to her 3 weeks ago and her counsel is for me to leave) so I need to find someone with more skill and training. Our marriage had problems to begin with and this intesified them.

I will continue to encourage him to post and in the meantime we take it one day at a time. We are both on our "best behavior" and it's kind of funny. I wish we could bottle this!

Blessings!
Lori

Sounds like you are a Christian so if you are not, you can disregard my post.

Try going through the Catholic church (even if you are not Catholic) because they usually have a great counseling system.

PLUS sometimes they have marriage builder counselors as well based on Harley's principles.

Also they are more for not taking the easy way out and working on the M before deciding to end it.

I have gotten grief from friends as well for letting my WH stay. But you know what? You have to do what YOU feel is best inside you.

I, personally, do not want to look back and think "what if?" If our M succeeds or fails, I will know that I have done everything in my power when that time comes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LoriM:
<strong> The last one counseled us for 1 1/2 years while the affair was active and he lied to her and me (I was suspicious and she kept telling me I had to believe him or leave; she even asked him one on one more than once if he was having an affair and he denied it each time...


Blessings!
Lori </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lori, if you want to REALLY get your money's worth and not waste time, try the Harley's here at Marriage Builders. They are wonderful, skilled, intuitive counselers who have a great track record. They are very good at drilling right down to the real problem in no time so you aren't lingering away for months and years in futile counseling sessions. They are pro-marriage and don't drag things out for year after year. They can often do in 2 sessions what most other counselors can't acheive in years.