It is 2 years ago tomorrow that I had my first surgery for the arm that Tom broke because I was threatening to call Sophia. I thought that her knowing he broke my arm would end what I thought was an emotional affair, but instead the physical affair intensified. It is 19 months since I learned of the affair.

I am still on the fence. I don't know if I want to remain married. I have all sorts of practical reasons for staying married, but there is no way I would stay married for practical reasons. What I have is a wavering between hope and despair that we can have a good marriage. I feel like Sophia is in our bed. He is still deeply attached to her, although he says he has had no contact since March when she called and he told her not to call again. The affair was sexually passionate and emotionally deep. I feel like a third wheel. He says he wants to work out things with me, that he realizes she wasn't perfect, that it was all a fantasy... but that leaves me thinking I don't know that I want to build a relationship with a man who was willing to or slipped into or whatever having an affair. I am definitely in withdrawal. He got back in our bed, but he doesn't touch me, and I couldn't even tolerate 10 minute conversations. When I have told him how I feel, he has been defensive, so that doesn't help.

Any suggestions? I am starting to post on the divorced/divorcing site as well, because I think I need to put us out of our misery if I can't make up my mind enough to try. Yes, he can make some improvements, but I do think there is an issue here that is strictly mine that I simply can't get over feeling like a poor substitute for Sophia, that he'd be fantasizing about her if we did have sex, that this whole disgusting thing is worth putting behind me so I can concentrate on our children.

Dear BH&A,

Your situation runs a similar line to many here. I know myself and Cali were in the similar boat a while back. Cali can give you her thoughts which you will find quite helpful.

Here's mine:

1. Your H is physically back but you are not convinced he is menatlly and emotionally back with his family.

2. You have always been there for all and all (including yourself) have come to depend and demand it. This is too high a standard to live up with for you.

3. Your H's survival is no longer threatened but now you are.

Based on the above recap, here's my suggestion:

1. See how your children feel about their dad being back. Are they as insecure as you but not showing it? Mine was and he eventually told me he'd rather his dad leave than make US miserable. Let your H know his actions are not fooling anyone.

2. What is your H willing to do for you to get closure? If he isn't or feels he has done enough, then you'd better think about either continuing on this path or getting out. I don't recommend divorce but it seems like he had it too easy on coming back.

3. I learned to keep plan B in my back pocket. It sticks up a bit just to let him know it is there and I am NOT afraid to use it. Is that threatening? A bit less than the A but when you are dealing with an immature attitude, that is sometimes needed. Plan B will be put away when I am ready to do so.

Hope this helps.

L.

Orchid,
We were only separated for two months last year, and it really wasn't a Plan B because he was over here all the time.

I think that there are issues with Tom, but there are also issues with me. In His Needs/Her Needs, Harley says, "The permanent effect of an affair cannot be ignored. The straying spouse rarely falls out of love with the ex-lover" and "With straying husbands,...they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her."

The situation I'm in reminds me of Tom and I talking before we got married about what we would do if we couldn't have children. I told him I really wasn't interested in adoption. I don't think I would have had the commitment to childrearing if the children were not ours. Now, my sister in law and her husband love having two adopted children, and I am glad for them. It's just not for me.

That's how I feel about this situation. I'm glad that couples can get through affairs and go on to have happy marriages. I'm glad that straying spouses learn to control themselves so they don't go back to their lovers, but I'm not sure I'm interested in a marriage in which my husband is resisting the temptation to reconnect with his lover, a woman who provided both emotional support and passionate lovemaking. I think my husband and I could build a good marriage, and he could be committed to being faithful, but I'm not all that interested. I'm on the fence, and you don't put a lot of effort into something when you're on the fence.

It's taken me this long just to get over the shock and anger that he would have an affair, and now I face the future. I'm not sure I want him in it. During the affair, I would tell him I felt he was "physically present, emotionally absent." Well, what Harley is saying is that a part of him will always be emotionally absent. I'm sorry, but I just don't see this relationship worth the effort no matter what he does. I don't want to settle for a marriage like this, even though I am not open to remarriage. It's not a matter of forgiveness. It's a matter of realistically looking at what sort of marriage we would have and asking myself if I am willing to settle for it or if I would prefer to end it and concentrate on other pursuits and relationships. It's a tough choice. There are things you only get from marriage, but I don't know that I ever would feel satisfied with marriage after an affair. I feel teary eyed as I type this. It's as if the last ember of hope is dying in the fire. I wish I could feel differently, but I don't.

During the affair, he told me, "You concentrate on your relationship with me and let me handle my relationship with Sophia." That may be how it works with men, but not with me. I wanted an exclusive relationship and an affair that has ended still seems like it permanently destroys the exclusivity of marriage.

<small>[ December 27, 2003, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Then I think you are already coming to a decision point. You have dealt with these issues for a while now. At this time it isn't anything new, just the same game and it is starting to stink. There isn't a whole lot more of the shocking stuff they can really shock you with so in time you will show that you just don't want to be a part of it and take the steps necessary to remove yourself from the A game.

It takes time so don't push yourself until you are emotionally ready to leave the M. You don't have to meet his needs, right now he needs to meet yours. The tables turn when the WS comes home. You don't have to cater to him upon his return. Otherwise it may encourage him to keep you on the edge. He needs to know his time is limited if he does not treat you right.


JMHO, take care.
L.