Sorry everyone, tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back. Saturday H called and wanted to reconcile. Sunday we went to church together. At prayer request time, he got up and asked everyone to pray for our marriage. He told everyone that we have been separated for almost 6 months and it was our first day together, to start our new life.

After church we went out to eat. I asked him to write NC letter to OW. He said he could not do that until he was moved back into house. I told him I could not stand one more goodbye with her, that he could not do it in person. He said that wouldn't happen.

Today at work, I started feeling bad about not taking his dog back. (long story, this has been a big issue, he needs a place for his dog). So I called his daughter to tell him dog could come back tonight. Well I know, you've already figured it out. No call from H. Called daughter back and she said my H had something important to do tonight. He would call me tomorrow.

Of course I went to OW's husband's house to see where OW was, yeah you got it again - staying the night with my H. That's it, I'm done.

Beleiver I'm so sorry to hear about your latest update. I don't blame you for calling it quits and moving on with your life, for it is ludicrous that he expresses a desire to rebuild the marriage while continuing his affair with the OW. I wish you the best.

Believer,

What your H is doing is not unusual. Crazy, foggy but not unusual for a WS.

The point is now where you are at. If this is where he has crossed your boundary then your mind will not change. However, if he comes back with another explanation, you may find yourself frustrated again and angry that you want to give him another chance. Before you write off what I am saying realize that this can happen. It has happened before and sometimes the anger we feel can swing the other way and just frustrate a BS to no end.

IMHO, you are angry and want out..... not sure if you really ready to be out there....yet. It is a hard time. You really really need to pray for the clear mind and calm heart. The Ws have a way of just messing up with our hearts. If you find out that is happening to you, don't beat yourself up. Take a few deep breathes and keep posting.

Your H sees his life dangling. At this point you don't know if the OW is fighting the for the A and he is trying to leave. I am sure your imagination is taking you to the weird and wild side of the A but I recommend you don't let yourself make decisions based on unfounded feelings.

If you can, step back and watch where this takes him. You get some rest....not a whole lot you can do right now. You will be able to do more but right now it is best to just step back a bit.

I think the A is crumbling.

JMHO,
L.

toomuchcoffeeman - Thanks for your reply. I respect your judgement. There comes a time when the LB is bankrupt and it is over. Even before tonight I had doubts about reconciling. I cringed at the thought of sex with him ever again. I've lost any respect for him long ago. I kept thinking that we could get through this. But I'm done.

Believer, I respect your feelings. I also know that when you're terribly hurt, your feelings can lead you astray. I would ask only that you take some time. Time for yourself, time to heal, time away from all of this. And while you're taking that time, don't take any action at all. Don't head for reconciliation or divorce. Just sit with yourself and comfort all the hurting places inside.

Taking action at this time will, it seems to me, probably lead you in directions that don't work, because the emotions are screaming at you so loudly. So... just sit, with your emotions, and listen to all the things inside you.

Just J - Well I'm sitting here eating popcorn and watching a movie. I don't feel like I'm all upset, just done.

Hey, thanks for letting me know about flylady.com. I have been doing the program for about 2 months, and I love it. And guess what - my kitchen sink is clean.

But seriously it really has been helpful to me. Just the encouragement and tips on cleaning and getting things done in an organized way has made all of the difference.

Hope you and your wanderer are doing okay. Hang in there, some day you might not even care anymore.

Believer,

I understand totally where you are right now. I have been there. And in my case, probably yours as well, it was my anger. At first I was angry, then when I cooled off, I just knew it was over. I had had it...was "done."

The best thing - again - was for me to remain (or return) to my Plan B. You see, had you not made contact and found out your WH wasn't around last night, you wouldn't be having these feelings right now.

So my recommendation - for what it is worth - is to do nothing. Instead return to Plan B. You were happy and doing well in it. Let it again insulate you from the hurt and the information about your WH. Let the A crumble. Let time heal.

Hugs,

*S*

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Saturday H called and wanted to reconcile. Sunday we went to church together. At prayer request time, he got up and asked everyone to pray for our marriage. He told everyone that we have been separated for almost 6 months and it was our first day together, to start our new life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The master manipulator. Did he tell the church the reason for the separation? He knows your faith and is "playing on it." "it was our first day together" was lie to you and to the church. You were, and are, still separated. You are NOT together. You may have been sitting in the same pew, but you were miles apart in obedience to God.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course I went to OW's husband's house to see where OW was, yeah you got it again - staying the night with my H. That's it, I'm done.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would be "done" too, quite frankly. There can BE no recovery until he commits to obedience to God and to ending the affair permanently, and that includes no contact of any kind for the rest of his life.

So, divorce is possible. But a few things you might want to consider first. One is immediate Plan B. Total isolation and total cut off of all contact with your husband. It's a sort of pseudo-divorce. He can feel what it is like to lose you and have to depend on the OW for all his needs and you don't have to deal with his continued lies.

Second, since he involved the church (thus claiming that he is a Christian and subject to "church rules", it may be time for you to involve the church. Part of the answer to his prayer request may well be solid men of the church confronting him with his sin against God and against you, his wife. For me, this would be the first step in this sceanario since he appears to be "playing at being a Christian." At best he is "professing," but he is certainly not "possessing" Christ. The church needs to "divorce" him, too, if he will not repent and begin the changes necessary RIGHT NOW. He does not get time to "think it over." IF he is a Christian, God WILL convict him of his sin and demand that he quit sinning right now.

The consequences of sin are far reaching. It is time for your husband to begin to understand that the consequences are of his making and he "justly deserves" them.

God bless and comfort your during this most trying and uncertain of times. Follow God and focus your efforts on saving your husband's soul first, and trust in God that with honest and sincere repentance comes forgiveness and "all these things will be added unto you."

God is the Master Potter, and it would appear that the "clay" of your husband is flawed and about to be crushed and reformed into a new vessel. Pray that your husband's heart be softened and responsive to the pressure of the hands of the Master Potter.

Foreverhers- I have been in Plan B for 11 weeks with no contact with H except for this week. And no, he has told no one in Church, and none of his Christian friends the reason for the separation. I am done.

This is the same thing that has happened over and over. Next H will say he loves, me and wants to reconcile, then I will say why did you get up in Church and ask for prayers for our reconciliation and then have OW spend the night with you, and he will say she didn't, then I will say I talked to her H, and H will say he is lying, then I will say he's not lying and on and on. I am done.

I agree with Forever's advice. If you are truly wanting to save your M then make this a church matter. You both profess Christ and I urge you to follow Biblical standards, not worldly ones. Have you done an intervention with him by involving 1 or 2 witnesses? If so, then the third step is to involve a group of fellow Christians - pastoral staff, men's ministry, his Christian men friends. Unless you have exhausted ALL Biblical means of reconciliation you have NO Scriptural basis to abandon your M, though he has strayed and is in error.

Don't mean to be harsh with you and I speak as a brother in Christ. Do what the Word says - reject wordly counsel and wisdom - pray fervently - fast for your M - be accountable one to another. God is not through with you yet! "Greater is He Who is in you than he who is in the world".

Okay, I have e-mailed 2 of his Christian friends and asked for their help. Of course no one knows where he lives or his new cell phone number, so it will be awhile before they run into him. But I'm confident that they will.

This is all I can do, I'm not willing to talk to H anymore. It is a complete waste of time arguing about what I know is true, while H refuses to admit it. I have no respect left for him.

Believer:

I have a long story here on MB. My D-Day was a year ago tomorrow.

To make this long story short, my FWH went back to the OW three times. The last time he moved in with her for about 3 months. Now I see that as a good thing. He tried to make it work with her. She tried to make it work. It failed of course. Their fantasy life was over. They could not make it in the real world. His real life is with me.

Now we are happier really than we have ever been in 30 years. I know that you are not me and your situation is different and everybody has their own personal breaking point. However, folks on here gave me the rule of TIME and PATIENCE and the A will end on its on. It certainly did! I had to stay in PLAN B for about 3 months before the breakthrough. I just wanted to let you know like others that his pattern is typical. An A is a powerful addiction. It seems that your WH wants out.

Believer, I am Christian like you. I hung in there because I believed that God wanted my husband and I together. I had faith that HE would bring us through. You might be on the brink of a breakthrough. It is the DEVIL, the forces of evil that wants your marriage to fail. I believe in fighting those forces. Still I really understand that you have your breaking point. I just see your WH as wanting to find his way back. He needs your help because you are his life partner chosen by God.

Take Care.

These WS are just so fogged. I think they truely want to do the right thing but can't becuase of the "addiction".

A month after my WH (ex now)left me, we went to go see our pastor for counceling. And we sat there and he asked us if we wanted to work things out and we BOTH said yes. He then asked just to talk to my ex. And my ex expressed that he wanted his family back and his kids, blah, blah, blah. He looked in our pastor's eyes and even cried about it in front of him. Do you know what he did the very next day? He went to a Christmas party with the OW and spent the night with her at the beach in a rented condo!

I couldn't believe it. I just thought how could he sit there, cry and tell our pastor that he REALLY wanted to work things out and then the very next day spend the night with the OW.
I just thought, WHAT A LIAR, HOW COULD HE LIE TO OUR PASTOR.

Don't be surprised about anything they do. They (WS's) are so SCREWED up. Nothing they do or say makes any sense to anyone but themselves.

Believer,

I'm sorry about the latest news, he certainly is "acting" like a schmuck! sorry ....

Now, I'll tell ya, I have a good friend here, Lora, she's an MB member for approx 4+ years. When her WH was almost ready to come home, after a year of separation, he took the OW on a Hawaiian vacation. lol ... it wasn't funny then of course, understandably Lora was quite upset because it was "THEIR SPOT", but the deal was it was her H's way of finally saying adios muchachos to the OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

They say the WS's do this because they feel bad for the OP, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and this way they can let them down easy with less guilt.

I've seen so many stories with this same theme ... take 'em on a cruise (aka Disneyland), then kick 'em to the curb.

Don't let this latest incident of his take you back too many steps, Hon. In Plan B you should do your best to keep news of your WH at bay. It's hard, but try, k?

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Plan B has been great for me. The only mistake I made was when H called and wanted to reconcile. He told me he was convicted to come back to the marriage, that he would never cause me pain like this again. He has never talked like that before. Like a dummy I asked if he was going to have NC with OW. He said yes. I should have told him to call me when she was GONE.

Since being in Plan B, I have felt so much better, and truly had some peace. Life was becoming good again. Like they say here, breaking NC with spouse during Plan B puts you right back where you started.

You do belong in Plan B but let everyone for whom it wouldn't be gossip know what's up.

I wish I had told everyone what was going on and instead even hid a broken arm. There is a fog for the BS who thinks that hiding the sins of the spouse is a way to help preserve the marriage. Instead, it is a cover for the spouse to enable him to continue without much consequence.

brokenheartandarm - Thanks for all of the help. I was reading today about your story. I deeply sympathize with how you feel.

What has helped me most is realizing that the sun doesn't rise and set on my H. Even though he is behaving poorly, I can still have a nice life. Yes, I got sucked in again, but I will quickly recover.

I hope that you are taking care of YOU. When we let abusers have so much influence on us, we are giving away our power. Not that my H is an abuser. But I have been in several abusive relationships. I have gotten to the point where I'm not happy about the way I am being treated. I know that I will do fine with or without H, because I am going to take care of ME. I hope you will do the same.

Believer,
My H broke my arm 12 days after extensive pelvic surgery, including a hysterectomy, which kept me in the hospital 5 days. The ulna was broken in 7 pieces. I had three surgeries for it and was in a cast or splint until from mid-December through the beginning of April.

All that pain was inconsequential in comparison with his having an affair. AND he stopped it, or so he says, when it was exposed.

I think absolutely the most abusive thing a person can do is have an affair. My heart goes out to you.

brokenheart - I think there are a lot worse things than an affair - losing your best friend, finding out the one you trusted with your life does not care about you, living with someone who you would do anything for, and finding out they will do nothing for you, the lies, lack of character, lack of honor, lack of support.

But I am going to take care of myself. I hope you will do the same. We can have a good life, with or WITHOUT our husbands.