I am wondering if other BS feel the way that I do about anger. This may sound strange coming from a man who loves his wife and dearly hopes that she will recommit to our marriage.

But, the pain of her decisions is so great, even the anti-d's don't hide it much. What I find makes me feel better is anger. Anger at the affair, anger at WW, and especially anger at that slimeball jerk who is the OM.

After a good dose of anger I feel better. I walk about the house (when I am alone) and loudly say what is on my mind. Only the wall hear me, but it feels so good when I am done.

Is this normal? Do any other BS have the same reaction?

And, yes, I love my wife and want her back. I have never vented this anger at her or anybody else. Just the walls.

"What is Anger?"
American Psychological Assoc.

The Nature of Anger:
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing Anger:
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Oh heck yea it's a good thing! Anger is just as natural of an emotion as sadness, happiness, love, or hate. It's all in how you deal with it that makes the difference. Suppressing it is no good, because the feelings will still be there. Lashing out at others is no good, because you'll just exchange your anger for your guilt and their anger.

Yelling at the walls, posting here, punching the couch cushions, going for a walk, writing all of those nasty thoughts and words down somewhere...those are all good, in my opinion.

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Uncomfortably Numb ]</small>

Hi auto,

I certainly feel stronger when I am angry and it feels much better than being in that raw pain like in the beginning.BUT,I don't think it's healthy to be enraged,that kind of anger.I get a little angry when I think about the injustice of this all and that anger helps me be motivated to do stuff.

I too love my WH husband and always will,the man I USED to know.I also hope for recovery one day. But,what I see before me is now a very different man in every sense of the word and I get angry when I look at him.I also get mad at the trashy HOMEWRECKER as opposed to your slimeball OM.lol

We all have to go through the stages of a grieving adult and anger of course is a biggie.So, I do think it is normal and it has been documented.I also feel like my increased dosage of AD's has helped me be even more stable with my emotions although I often wonder what I will be like when I come off them in the future! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

For a while I'd get really depressed and cry and just feel like crap. I started making myself angry about everything my W and OM did and I'd feel better. I basically displaced my depression with anger. I don't know if that was a good thing, but it did make me feel better. I would then pray and ask for forgiveness for being so angry. I think God understands our anger and forgives us. At least I hope so...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
I also feel like my increased dosage of AD's has helped me be even more stable with my emotions although I often wonder what I will be like when I come off them in the future!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">O-Girl,

I was also concerned about what I would be like when I stopped taking Welbutrin. I was worried the AD might have stored up my anger somewhere and when off AD I'd explode or something.

No worries tho, I have had no such residual effects I'm happy to report. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Jo

Thanks resilient,

I am actually taking Remeron which supposedly doesn't have any adverse effects when discontinued so I am not really THAT worried.I would just like to think that I will be as strong then or stronger as I have been dealing with all of this.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anger is a very healthy response to an affair and if properly expressed, can even help in your recovery. I don't know where anger ever got such a bad rap, because it is all part of a healthy psyche when used properly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> I also get mad at the trashy HOMEWRECKER as opposed to your slimeball OM.lol </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey Octobergirl, you just gave me a great idea!

How about if we manage to introduce Trashy Homewrecker to Slimeball Jerk? Maybe, they will hit it off and start pawing each other instead of our spouses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Then, we might see our WS's get back a little sense.

How about a new discussion area for arranging dates between OP's? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ROFL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LOL!!!!!!!!

If only we could auto! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />