My wife has a very good (male) friend that helped her through some troubles that her and I went through a couple of years ago (I had an EA with a woman). She's openly admitted being attracted to this person in the past, and has mentioned that if we wouldn't have made it, she could've seen herself having an affair with him.


I'm not normally a jealous person, but something just didn't feel right about this whole thing. I started intercepting her emails about 9 months ago and have been monitoring them regularly. There was some very serious flirtation going on via email and they use to meet for coffee fairly often, but not so much anymore.

Without actually telling her I've read her emails, I voiced my concern that she may be leading this person on and that I didn't feel comfortable with it. she would joke and say "maybe I deserve a little pay-back".

He recently is separated from his wife and is heading for divorce. She tells me now that she sees him in a different way because she is friends with his wife and has heard of things about him that has caused her to lose respect for him.

I can't seem to get rid of this feeling that "something" may have happened that goes further than flirtatious emails.

My question is... do I confront her regarding the emails and "own up" to spying on her, after it's been such a long time of reading the emails?

Any advice would be helpful, thanks...

Sincerely, Concerned41

Hmmm...

I would have to say that the honest and decent thing to do would be to admit to your monitoring her emails. Be sure to present it in a non-judgemental and non-threatening way though.

In other words, do not approach the situation with the idea of telling her that you know she's been wrong, hasn't been honest, is a bad person, could never be trusted, or any of that sort of thing.

Be honest, be remorseful, open a safe and loving dialogue with her, and be prepared to get the both of you some guidance, be that Marriage Counseling, religious, books, or all of the above.

Edit: Oh, and never confront. Confrontation is full of LB's (Love Busters). It's almost the epitome of them all rolled into one. Confrontation almost always contains anger, demands, judgements. Get that word out of your mind. It does you no good. Believe me, I am guilty of far too much of it in my marriage.

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: Uncomfortably Numb ]</small>

concerned,
Welcome to MB. I would have to respectfully disagree with uncomfortable at this point. I think it's dangerous to "confront" W about her emails. I do think *knowledge is power*, so it's wise for you to continue to monitor the situation between W and om. If you initiate a conversation and bring up all you know about her R w/om, you could actually push her further into his arms. It doesn't seem as though their R has progressed to PA, so that is a good thing.

However, my advice would be for you would be that if you haven't yet, you need to begin to Plan A. If you are not familiar with Plan A, please read all about it on the Concepts pages. There is a link to them at the top of this page.

It appears that your W is still "open" to talking about her "Relationship" with om with you. That is a good thing! Continue to be someone she can openly share with, without condemning her. Confronting will only shut her down, and can drive her further away from you (and possibly closer to him).

Plan A will show her that you are the "better" choice, and time alone will show him to be "less than respectful" as a future partner.

Good luck, and continue posting. It's a quiet night, but after all the celebrations, I'm sure all the "MB pros" will be back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

God Bless,

Okay, I also have to disagree with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

However, realize that, at some pointin time, this information will need to be shared with her. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week or next month even. But I don't see you being able to carry this "secret" with you for the rest of your life.

Beyond that, I agree. It probably wouldn't be the right thing to do at this point. Keep our knowledge to yourself, and use it to fuel your desire to mend whatever it is in your marriage that's led to this situation.

How's that for having no backbone? I think I demonstrated it really well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I think you should read "Survivng an Affair" together, to deal with YOUR EA. When you do that, you will understand why. If you follow the recovery plan therein, NEITHER of you will be likely to have and EA or a PA agian. You will also see why you have been counseled to be honest.