I'm sure I'm not the only one out here that is experiencing these issues, but I thought I'd try to start a thread for us to vent about it <P>I'm very fortunate in that my friends are being very supportive of me reconciling with H. Even if they don't agree with it personally, they only want to see me happy. H's parents and family are thrilled that we're back together again. But then there are my parents. Oh! What a mess!!<P>My father refuses to step foot in my house anymore because H is back. Even if he's not home, it doesn't matter. All I can think is, how immature is that?? (he's 70 yrs old). Then I think, it's no wonder he's been divorced twice and is as lonely as he is for even some good friends.<P>Then there's my mum and her boyfriend (they've been together for over 10 yrs now). My mum flew off the handle at me b/c I'm back with H. She refuses to see it as a strong move on our parts. All she can see is the hurt he caused when he wanted out of the marriage at the end of January. No matter how often I try to explain to her about the environment in our house prior to the A's, which I had obviously contributed to, she can't get past her anger. It's even to the point where she doesn't want to see H. And she refuses to come visit the kids if he's going to be here.<P>It's hard not having the support from my only immediate family like that. And I hate the fact that they are missing out on the lives of their grandsons because of their stubbornness. But I also refuse to make changes to suit them.<P>That's one of the things that H and I have been working on as part of our recovery... to 'let go' of our parents. In my case anyways, there wasn't a healthy parting when I moved out of the house and later got married. But that's another issue (grin). We have also gotten so tired in the last 4 1/2 yrs or so, doing our damnedest to make everyone else happy (best example are xmas get togethers... whose house do we visit? we started last year with no ones. If they want to see the kids, they can come here).<P>So, who else out there is experiencing similar things with their families? I'm sure there are lots of us.. shame, isn't it?<P>Karen<BR>

Hi Karen. His parents are totally for us working it out, and noone else really knows we are even considering it. I know if we ever do get back together I am going to have to deal with my "relatives". I tried my hardest not to let my aunts/uncles and such know we were seperated, but they found out (gossip runs HIGH in my family). I'm not sure how much they know, but you can be sure I will hear it all the first time I attend a family gathering (been avoiding them like the plague lately).<P>I am so sorry that your parents are not behind you on this. Even if they don't agree, the should SUPPORT you. Similiarly, my best friend of 11 years has taken my H's side against mine. We are not talking right now cuz' she insists I am keeping H from the kids and I need to divorce him. It hurts not to have that support. I think this counts since I thought of her as a sister to me.

Topie<P>I know how you feel, but the decision is between you and H. Just like the principles of MB with spouse, it may be that you have to try them with your family, as well. That was the case with me...and it worked. Ya sort have to go about your relationship with them the same way. If they do not want what makes you happy, and they have to be *right*, then they may have to find another sandbox to play in. I would bet, that a healthy dose of Plan B for them will change their tune. They will try it their way for awhile, but when they don't like it, they will listen to you when you explain. It may take some time, just like your M, but in the end, the bandages come off and you can heal with them as well. Focus on you and H and your marriage. That is your first priority. They will come around when they see his dedication. They are only doing what they think is best and dont want to see you hurt again. They react with the anger and fear, just like you did when d-day happened. So hang in there! It will get better!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Karen,<P>For all you are going through and that also. This is hard. I know. Me too. One of my strongest supporters, my cousin came over and said she could no longer support me. She is very angry at H. Wants to tell him off. I have never stopped her from doing that but she never really has and now that he is home, she is angry at him for all that he has done. <P>I can't blame her. At the end of the conversation she said that if he came and apologized to her maybe their relationship could be reestablished. She just is so angry. Of course, she knows a lot of what went on so her anger is justified. H is upset that I let her know so much yet realizes that I did need someone to talk to and that those persons do harbor resentment at this time. <P>What I did do at the beginning is to ask that each person that I took into confidence to please respect my decisions. To that extent they are. I can not 'control' their feelings and reactions, just like we can not control the Ws's. So the cycle runs it's course again. This time we know we can't control them, and work with them in a similar fashion that we did the Ws. With love and care, they can come around. Remember they are fighting their anger coupled with their care for the BS and family. It is an internal struggle for them to and we need to acknowledge it. <P>That is what I did with my cousin. I let H know that it is now on his plate to rectify matters with each one of his friends and family that he hurt. He is seeing that now. However, to lesson the immediate burden, I asked him to concentrate on helping us heal first. His immediate family. I let me cousing know that as well. Depending on how that goes, they will see how I react. Again they can not control me and visa versa. <P>Love is not control in a bad sense, love looks for interests of others. <P>I hope your parents can get past their anger. Let them know that they are not alone in this feeling. But together you can all get past this bad point in your lives. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

This is one of the reasons I leave my family out of my marriage. I don't discuss marital issues with them at all ever. I feel if I go crying on thier shoulders then at some point I have given them the right to tell me their ideas or feelings in the matter and that's not what I want from them.<P>What you're doing takes more strenght then walking away. Regardless of how your family see's it.<BR>I'd politely explain to your family that you have made the chooses that best suit you and your life. That you love and respect them and you hope that they will offer you the same respect in return.<BR>Then I'd suggest that you don't discuss problems with them in the future.

Hooray!! You know there is a lot of truth to what has been said. I have had a few big crashes with my in-laws. Mostly his sister. The funniest one was when she said that his life insurance policy should name her as the beneficiary. This makes sense to his family, but not to me?? I have decided that no matter what happens, I keep the pain to myself, because once you start telling people things are hurting you-they always tell you how to fix it and they are never happy for the times that are good. I have to let my frustrations out here, because I have closed off my friends. My one friend wanted to throw me a party while we were seperated, she said it was about time. Thank God I found this site because otherwise I would still be listening to what an idiot I am. I love it here!!

To be anywhere near where my wife is... I must leave the city in which my family resides to where she resides near her family. It won't be considered following her to where she is at but rather, joining her in the area where she has made her home, so we can raise the children together. <P>Although the OM lives with her right now, I don't think that will last forever. I have know idea on what my future holds, but I know that if I don't do something about the distance we will never be together. <P>She doesn't have a problem with me living in the same city, she just doesn't want me in her house right now. <P>Now my family is going to most likely disown me when I do this. They have been somewhat supportive of me and critical of my W. I have defended my W's honor when they have talked about her in front of me and have requested that they never discuss her badly while I was in their presence. <P>I want to send each of them a letter/email and inform them about what I am going to do. Its not a goodbye letter... its just an informational letter to let them know my decision. I may need some help in writing this... because of the situation all of you are facing here. To me its informational, but it may be goodbye for them. So I want to do it with love and respect for all involved. I know that it is going to hurt my family. I am considered the blacksheep of the family and always have been. Her family with the exception of her sisters, because of the last month of my life... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010792.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010792.html</A> love me for who I am. They nor I won't have a problem with being close to each other... minus the awkwardness.<P>I suppose it will put some strain on the family because I know I will be invited to all the functions that the OM will be invited to. That ought to prove trying. I haven't thought much about that... till well right now. Hmmm.<P>I don't know? <P>Any ideas?<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 20, 2001).]

Yeah, I really do wish I had known about MB ages ago. I see a lot of what's happening with my parents being my fault. As I talk to H about, when I told them everything that had happened, it was because I didn't know any other way to deal with it all. And now I'm paying the price, so to speak.<P>I too am learning well to keep my trap shut when it comes to talking about my marriage to anyone. A tad too late for most things. But as we talk about so much on here, we can't change the past, but we can direct our futures.<P>A lot of the hurt they're experiencing is coupled by the loss of Andrew. I can't believe it's been just over 10 months already. The fact that we never did find out why he passed away in his sleep makes it near impossible to find any closure. So I guess that because that happened before my major marriage problems came to a head, they just can't find a way to deal with any of it.<P>I wish I could somehow convey to them that it is possible to put some things off to deal with others, and then go back to the original things again when you're ready. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's what I've done, and it's obviously working.<P>Here I go, overanalysing again. At least this time it's not directed towards H... grin... that's good.<P><BR>Karen

I too, am having trouble with this. Even though I have tried to not confide too many details to my parents, they call me almost daily and "quiz" me on how things are going. Now that H is trying to come back for the 4th time ( we are seeing each other, but I have not let him move back in), my parents are calling each night wanting to know where I've been and with who. If I've been with H, I get a lecture on how stupid I am, and how he will just leave again. I'm 40 years old, and feel like a chastised teenager. The really sad part is that deep down I know they're right. He has left four times, and never stays gone for more than 2 weeks. I do believe that he loves me, but I'm not sure he can ever be free of OW. I really don't have much hope of recovery for us.

Topie,<BR>Is it possible since your parents are divorced that your reconciliation makes them feel like they could have worked things out? A sense of failure? Reactions don't always make sense and are sometimes more about self than others.<P>Hanging,<BR>My H left 7 times, now home for 16 months...sometimes they stay.<P>Ochid, <BR>Did your H really do something wrong to your cousin or is she offended on your behalf? My H apologized to my parents for hurting me. My mom didn't know what to make of it, since he never sinned/took action against them, only me & the kids--she felt though my H's thought/emotion in asking their forgiveness was nice, the ownership of whether forgiveness was given belonged to me and my daughters. I feel pretty much that if my committment is still to my marriage and I want to work on it, that's my business, not anyone elses.<P>All,<BR>My counselor gave me a good thought to answer "How can you take him back?" "If we can forgive and recover our marriage, there is hope for a lot of troubled marriages." It's kind of the flip side of those friends that abandon you because the infidelity and/or separation is too scary for them with the state of their own marriage--the "kick the bum to the curb" folk probably don't intend to save their marriage if something goes wrong.<P><BR>

My family members aren't too involved in what is going on with my marriage. My dad is hurt by my H leaving and my mom said they won't feel the same way about my H as they once did if he comes back. That's fine and good because he's my H and I have to live with him, not them. I also told my mom that she was never in a situation like mine so she can't judge or problem solve for me. I don't want any family members involved because you will get the ones who say "I never liked him anyway" but they were the ones always asking "when are you getting married to him". As for my in-laws, I speak to my father-in-law. My mother-in-law seems to be causing a few little problems so I stopped talking to her. She was telling my H things that I never said. Plus my H is living with his parents right now.<P>I'm an adult and I need to resolve my own marital problems and don't need family members resolving them for me. I really have no one to confide in, no brothers or sisters and all close friends moved away. I like coming here because we are all going through the same things one way or another and we are here to help and comfort. Goes to show that complete strangers care more than people you've known for a long time.

I haven't confided to any of my family about H's infidelity, except for one niece (who was supportive of me without being critical of H), because I didn't want them to change their good opinion of him.<P>However, I have wondered if my brother might know that H has cheated, since he knows darned near everything that goes on in this part of the state. Also, a couple of years ago, I was taking my mother somewhere when she suddenly confided that she believed my daddy had had a couple of flings. I did NOT need to hear that at ALL!! Mother even said that there was one really pretty and very nice woman who had been recently widowed that Daddy had made eyes at. She said that she made him mad when she told him that he wasn't that woman's type. Mother said that this woman was a friend who had told her the kind of man she was looking for, should she ever decide to remarry....and Daddy wasn't it. Anyway, the flirting stopped, and the woman met and married someone else about a year later.<P>The thought has occurred to me that maybe my mother had heard something and was trying to get me to confide in her. There have been a couple of more instances which made me wonder if Mother had heard anything about H.<P>At any rate, although it made me cry to hear that about Daddy, I didn't break down and confide in her. My mother didn't want me to marry H (gave us only 6 months ), but told me on our 31st anniversary that I have a really good husband and that she's crazy about him. I can't destroy that.

Huh, well, here's a switch! My H's family actually encouraged his leaving! I know, because of an e-mail from his brother a few years ago, encouraging H to "remember his family was waiting for him..." etc. basically telling him that whenever, or HOWever he could 'break free' - they would be there waiting! Like I was this horrible, horrible WITCH or something!<P>I also know that my BIL and his wife encouraged contact between OW and my H (SIL and she work together - oh, yeah, my H's in DEEEEEP!). Soooo, there's a HUGE mountain to get around in a (future) reconciliation. They simply WON"T "allow" him to try it....I'm curious how long he'll listen to their "Great" advice!<P>He now has NO job, NO health ins., NO money, late paying all his CC, has lost his cell phone (due to not paying it). Yeah, they've REALLY sold him on a "good life"!!!!!!! To play "amateur psychologist" here: his brother basically is jealous of what we have accomplished, must destroy others who are more successful than he - and LIKES keeping my H's life upset and chaotic, and I have been able to prevent that from happening for a long time. NOW they have him RIGHT where they want him, and are destroying his life!! I honestly don't know if he'll survive this, but HE made the choice that our M was the WORST thing imaginable, and the OW was for him....so be it.<P>I'll be fine. I always have. I hope <B>he </B> wakes up before it's too late.<P>Lupo

Lor,<P>My cousin is indignate against my H for his lying to me. She had another talk with him after my last post. H had told different stories and she sensed it, that is why she was angry. From what he told her and what he told me, it was evident that he had lied to me again. This made her angry. It took her a while to tell me and in the mean time, I learned that H had lied and been with OW again. <P>Was she justified? Both H & I agree that she was in the right to be angry. H realized it was his doing that made her feel this way. That is when his healing started back up again. He felt he needed to stop lying yet, being with OW meant lying needed to be a way of life. This troubled whatever conscience he had left. <P>Most of my family and his are having little to do with him now. He knows he has hurt them as well. My parents will speak with him but not go out of their way. They live in another state so dealing with them is not that difficult. They do ask about him periodically. His family does also but most are afraid to speak to him. Especiallly his dad and this upsets me. His dad is a big talker but when push comes to shove he is not there for his kids in an emotional sense. Especially H. FIL an't even explain why. That is just how he is. FIL gave me a long speech the other night of what to tell H, I said that sounds good, it would be nice if your son could hear it from his dad. FIL did not say anymore. That disappointed me. <P>My cousin did say that they would support my decision but are finding it difficult because of all the waffling H had done. In other words, their patience was running thin. Can't really blame them. I probably would feel the same way if I were in their shoes. <P>As a result the children don't get together as much. That is part of the healing I guess. H knows his conduct will affect his family and needs to work on meeting our needs as result. <P>I have to understand others have feelings also, not just H & I. I do understand and don't force others to agree with me. I am just grateful to have gotten the support that I did have. There are no regrets in this area. Just a bit hurt but I knew this could happen. <P>L. <BR>

Orchid,<BR>I know it gets convoluted...it's just that if she wants to support you, by remaining angry with your H, she is hurting you--and it sounds like the kids, too, by not getting together with you. You can't do anything about her behavior, just like we can't control ANYONE else's behavior . Perhaps your cousin will be there for you, but not for your marriage...infidelity has the power to change a lot of relationships, and not just those in the marriage or children of the marriage. Too sad.<P>I do understand her anger, my prayer partner who is also a neighbor laid into my H one time when he was standing in the driveway. She wanted to help, but telling him he wasn't a man or a father, he was sinning and God hates sin wasn't really optimal. She refers to him as my "adulterous husband". It bothers me bad enough I can't be around her. We all make decisions to promote or end relationships--and perhaps that is what your cousin is doing.<P><BR>Sorry Topie for the hijack, but I guess it is on topic? <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lor (Lor):<BR><B>Topie,<BR>Is it possible since your parents are divorced that your reconciliation makes them feel like they could have worked things out? A sense of failure? Reactions don't always make sense and are sometimes more about self than others.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Interesting point. But not the case (exactly). My father is an alcoholic, and it's amazing that my mum stayed with him for so long. That is what ruined his first marriage as well. However, he refuses to admit that he has a problem with drinking. All he'll do is acknowledge how much he enjoys his 'drink'.<P>I do know, that during their engagement (or a short separation in the first few years of marriage), that my mum was 'dating' some other men. I don't know all the details, but (unfortunately?) I can relate to the feelings and understand the cause of that type of behaviour. <P>So if anything, my dad can relate to the betrayal I felt when my H took off to be with other women, and my mum probably wishes she hadn't stayed with my dad as long as she did. I am their only child, and like any parent, they just don't want to see me get hurt.<P>Karen<P><BR>

Hi,<P>I don't usually post her, but this is my third tonight!!!<P>My folks split a few times whe I was growing up, and it was mainly alcohol related, but they got it back together, and now they see my situation as hopeful...they are genuinely happy in each other's company now.<P>I kinda do think it's what your parents have experienced as to what kind of attitude they have with your own situation...mine had the worst possible marriage, affairs, alcohol, affairs etc etc....so it kinda gives me hope too.<P>They had the worst, so they think my situation will work out okay. It's HOW you handle it that is the key.