Lovsta,<P>I've been told over and over that you are the queen of Plan A. I need your help desperately. This will probably be long so please bear with me. Let me start with the fact that I just recently discovered this site and the info it contains.<P>I learned last October by H that he was having an affair. He did not stop his affair and talked to OW almost every night on the phone and through computer while we were all living together (we have two children). He said he would end the affair if I got "my sh"t together". I ended up leaving in November and while I was away I had an affair out of spite. It was only a one time thing, and I sincerely regret what I did. I told him about it. I did this after finding out that he had OW in MY house one night and they slept in MY bed. Remember, I hadn't discovered this site at the time. Somehow, he made me feel guilty enough to come back home knowing he was still with her. I thought if I could just live up to his wishes that he would end the affair (that's still partly how I feel). Believe me, he made me pay for what I did.<P>I stayed here living in it until the end of May. I tried talking to him and telling him I couldn't live like this anymore. He had to decide or I was leaving. I left and he called me the next day saying he had given up, but not for me for the kids. He asked me to come home. <P>I came home still angry about his refusal to say he's sorry or anything. I forced him into alot of things by anger and emotional outbursts. Well, I found out Sunday that he has started talking to her again. I called his cell phone and checked his messages (a big no-no to him). I heard two messages from her so I proceeded to call her. She decided we all needed to talk because he had told her we weren't sleeping together and we were only together for the kids. Basically, we were living together seperated. And I thought we were working on our relationship. I had found this site by then and was doing my best to implement Plan A. The biggest problem we have is he says I'm "up his butt all the time", but I can't seem to trust what he's saying. Anyway, he told us Sunday night (all three of us on the phone) that he chose her and we were getting a divorce as soon as he could afford it. Well, the next day he e-mails me this message about how he's confused and doesn't know what he wants to do about his life, our relationship, or his relationship with OW. He has decided he needs to move out for about two months on his own to figure out things. But it will be when he has the money. For right now, he's going to stay here with me and the kids and continue to talk to her.<P>Basically, I don't know what to do. The OW told me she was breaking it off with him regardless of his answer, but I don't believe she did. He told me yesterday he hasn't talked to her since Sunday night, but I don't know whether to believe him or not.<P>Should I continue with Plan A since I haven't had much time? Should I give up? I don't know if we have a chance and sometimes I don't know whether I even want to put in the effort. I feel like he's either actually confused or he's just full of crap and lying to both of us. He's lied to her the whole time. What do you think? I need a whole bunch of encouragement because right now I'm feeling pretty angry and discouraged with the whole thing. We've both said we either want it right or we want it over--he's just not sure which one he wants right now.<P>HELP PLEASE!!!!!!!

I heard through the grape vine that Lori is going away so may not be able to respond right away.<P>I will email this post to her so she can get to it as soon as she can<P>Don't get too discouraged if she doesn't reply right away okay.<P>I'll read your post later tonight and see if there is input I can give.<P>

Thanks!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin:<BR><B>Thanks!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This man sounds so much like the man my wife has been involved with - even just from your short description - I would love to know where you live, honestly...<P>

hi,<P>Im not lostva just a wannabe groupie of hers.<P>I think what she would say first off is that you need to deceide. Do you want your marriage? If the answer is yes, then you need to start behaving as if you do at all times. You cannot waffle. Because your H is so confused, he needs you to be strong and show him the way. You an only control your behavior. You have a good chance of restoring your marriage if you want to.<P>Yes, you should plan A. You should show him you love him and think your relationship is worth it. That you know it can be a fullfilling and happy relationship for both of you. That it can meet both of your needs and be closer thatn ever before. You are in a place where it is up to you. The affair has lost some of its new relationship sparkle. The OW is LB now and will not be happy that he is staying home with you. Take full advantage of that. Plan a.<P>I'm sure Lostva will say more and in a longer more interesting post.... But I want you to know that plan A worked for me too.<BR>Lora

Sorry Kevan, my H is involved with a girl that lives in Louisanna and we live in Arkansas. She is 20 and still in college (never been married as far as I know). I am 25 and H is 24.<P>Lora,<P>Yes I want my marriage. I'm just frustrated and tired. He won't even tell me he loves me anymore, but whenever he needs something done for his business (band) he comes running and just expects it done. Plan A'ing, of course, I do it, but it's starting to build up even more resentment. I love the old H, not this new one that constantly throws everything I try back in my face. I'm tired of hearing about how all these other girls want him and his talking about being with other girls. When I get upset, I get "I'm just playing around with you." It hurts to say I love you and get just an okay. Makes me feel like crap. He wants his space, that's all I hear. Giving him space though gives him the room to be with OW without my knowledge. Yes, I want my marriage. I just want it to be right on BOTH sides.

I hear you, and know what its like to be frustrated and tired. My H affair went on for 2 years. <P>But you need to accept that you cant contol him at all. He will do what he wants, and be with OW if he wants. You need to just work on you for awhile. Stop worring about him all the time. Take care of yourself, and he will start to wonder what he is missing.<P>Lora

Okay, Lora. Work on myself and don't be concerned with what he's doing? I will try my best. It will be one of the hardest things I've ever done. What about all the help I give him with his business? Do I continue that? I think if I cut that off it would hurt things worse. His main complaints about me are: <P>1. I'm "up his butt all the time." He can't breathe.<BR>2. I'm always mopey or depressed. DUH!<BR>3. I don't let him know how the finances are. We're broke most of the time and I don't want to add to his stress, but I have started to let him know on a daily basis the balance in the checking account.<BR>4. I hide things from him. I will admit that I used to do that, but with the best of intentions. He is always so stressed about his work that I didn't want to add to it. I have stopped that.<BR>5. He's tired of talking about us. He's too confused right now and it just puts "a lead ball in his stomach".<BR>6. I cuss alot. I have been trying to cut that out, but it's hard when he cusses worse than I ever have in my life. He wants me to be more lady-like.<BR>7. I tell him I care about him, but I don't act like it.<P>That's about all I've got from him so far.

Yes, I think you should continue helping him as much as you can with anything he needs. Plan A should show your H (and yourself) the best person you can be. Get a hold of His Needs Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair as soon as you can and read them. They will help you tremendously.<P>The list of complaints: do you think you should improve in those areas? If so, then do so. YOu are the master of you, and you can make those changes if you want. Be patient with yourself - you can't change overnight.<P>Plan A is very one-sided to begin with, so go ahead and start telling yourself that. You may not see ANY repsonse from your H for a little while. But If you want your marriage to survive, this is the best way to do it. It's like, somebody has to put their weapon down first, in order to sit down and work out the peace treaty. Put your weapon down first, and then give him time to trust you won't pick it up again.<P>Hang in there.<P>

Did you read our post the last few days about controling? Sounds like several of his complaints fit in that catagory.<P>Sounds like you are lucky... he is willing to give you some feedback. Ask him how he would feel loved. Look at your behaviors, it does sound like you are trying to protect him which proably comes off as controlling.<P>Yes, work on you, have you considered meds for the depression? Do some stuff for yourself to enjoy, take joy out of life, or fake it sometimes. Work on yourself not for your marriage but for you, so that no matter what you will come out of this happier with yourself and your behavoirs.<P>You cant keep quetioning him and pushing... seems like when we back away from the relationship a little they come towards us. But your questions and pushing for more drives him away, instead attract him to you by being happy and fun to be around. Make him want to be with you.<BR>Lora

Hi, <P>Topie (Karen) on the control thread has a test you might want to take to help you see where you are. It is from a book called the surrendered wife. Anyway the emotional needs questionnaire maybe helpful also. <P>Your H sounds like so many here (mine included) confused, confusing others and stubborn. Right now the best thing maybe to better yourself and concentrate on your family. A young college girl tieing herself to a married man may get bored soon. There are many other more available boys. <P>Irregardless of their issues, you have your assignment of working on yourself for the moment. That is where plan A comes in handy. If you want to read more, read the post by Patient Love. She wrote about plan a and b and her experience. Makes these plans a bit more real and personal. <P>Hope this helps until Lostva gets back. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Yeah, the OW did tell me that she was tired of her life being on hold for him. Thank you everyone for your advice. I will check out the other threads you mentioned.<P>I'm going to take your advice and concentrate on me. I will help him in any way I can. I just have to work on not worrying about what he is doing all the time.<P>I think I've already shocked him for the night. LOL! He came in and I had his supper heated and ready for him. I also washed all the dishes (for this house, that's a major accomplishment). He had been complaining about his feet hurting for the last couple of days so I offered to massage them for him. I didn't touch him though until he said okay. He seemed a little confused, but when I went to get up off the couch he held me down with his feet.<P>When he came in, he was acting upset and went to lay down. I went and asked if there was anything he needed. When he said no, I said okay and walked out to start playing with the kids. He laid there for about five minutes and then got up and came in here with us.<P>The biggest problem I have is the consistency especially when I get upset. I think the meds would probably help. I have had problems with anti-dep before though. I took some after having my second child and they made me mean and irritable. I had to stop taking them and tried another with the same effect.<P>I'm so glad you people are hear to listen. It makes it easier to "pretend" to be happy when I can get some of this off my chest.

dumplin,<P>Well, I'm back but it looks like the situation or at least your questions have been answered for the most part.<P>I just wanted to stress one thing that Lora said though...and this was a toughie for me...<P>"But you need to accept that you cant contol him at all. He will do what he wants, and be with OW if he wants. You need to just work on you for awhile. Stop worring about him all the time. Take care of yourself, and he will start to wonder what he is missing."<P>[b]You can't control your H, who he sees or what he does{/b}<P>People had to remind me of that one all the time ( Thanks Lostva/Lori and others ) <P>God Bless<P>Nicole

I have been e-mailing H bank account info since that is one of his LB's (not knowing). He sent me an e-mail and part of it was: "Thanks for trying to keep me better aware of the bills and account. It doesn't go unnoticed." He seems to be at least noticing that I am trying to change for the better. I know that you all say I need to do this for myself and I am. He's more practical with money than I am and by e-mailing him the balance I watch what I'm spending more. Maybe, this will help me to learn to watch my spending better. I think I'm starting to understand Plan A a little better. I went back and reread what Dr. Harley said and it makes more sense everytime. The first time I read it, I thought yeah right.<P>Thanks for all your help, everyone. I'm sure I'll need it again. Just the encouragement and the chance to vent is more help than anything. I'm sure you all understand what I'm trying to say.<BR>

Yes, I understand, dumplin! I'm glad you are feeling better and seeing a hint of progress in yourself! (((((pat on the back for you! Hang in there!

dumplin:<P>terri is also a Plan A expert---you might want to leave a post for her directing her to this thread.

K,<P>I'm new here and not really sure how to do that. What do I do?

One way you can do it is to write a post to Terri (like the one you did to Lori) and in it ask her to come here.<P>Or you can make a post and copy and paste the address (in the address bar at the top of your screen) into the post to Terri - that way she can come here just by clicking on the link instead of search for the post.<P>If you want I'll do it for you.<P>Just let me know.<P>Nicole

Patient Love,<P>I would really appreciate it if you would post the link for me. I would really hate to get her lost or post a link that doesn't actually work. LOL!<P>Having a rough night tonight. <P>Thought I was making some progress only to find that H is backsliding majorly and hiding it. I've decided to quit snooping because I would rather be stupid and not know what he's doing. Maybe then I'll think I'm actually doing a good job. And I won't blow up on him eventually.<P>I feel like screaming. He says he's confused - well, what am I??? I don't know whether he's actually confused or if he's just playing me. Am I a fool for even trying?

Patient Love,<P>I think I figured it out. I'm not sure if it's right or not, but I tried.<P>Anna