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Hey guys - sorry about the repeating. My computer at work was messed up and it wouldn't let me post or so I thought. Anyone have any advice on what to say to him?

Hey. I LB'ed tonight, I guess. I noticed H had downloaded Yahoo Messenger again. A big problem - I hate it, he loves it. I mentioned that I noticed he downloaded the messenger and he got mad right off. He asked me if I was mad and I told him no that I couldn't control what he did. That was up to him. He didn't take that info very well. I guess everything's okay now. He heard from a big record company and he's on a musician's high right now. Of course, he had to run off to show the "guys". Oh well, at least he's not here mad at me. That's selfish, ain't it??? LOL!!

Hey Dumplin. Maybe this is a bit of good news for you. As of late August (I can't remember which date) Yahoo is no longer offering the messanger for free. It will cost $10.00 /month to subscribe.<P>So make sure your budget doesn't not allow for $10.00 extra bucks and you won't have to worry about that anymore.<P>Hope this helps! <BR>Jo

I love you Resilient!!! LOL!! I bet you have to have a credit card too, don't you? All the credit cards and the debit card are in my name (his choice) and he sure as heck ain't getting them from me to use for that dang thing!!<P>Another question--I'm full of them today. (Must be because I couldn't get in earlier and all I could do was think.)<P>If I'm not supposed to ask about OW, how do I know when they are finished or approach the concept of a no contact letter. Believe me, I know now is not the time, but I was just wondering.<P>Anna

By the time you are in a place where you're writing a no contact letter to OW, you and H will hopefully have a close relationship where he trusts telling you all. Including that they are DONE.<P>If he starts telling you about OW, listen very closely, Anna. Somewhere in there he'll be teling you what need she provided that you may not have. <P>The only reason I knew the status of H and OW so well is I had the PIN to my H's pager, he didn't know I was listening to all of her voice pages (several every evening for 9 mos).<P>Jo

I had the pin to his voice mail on cell phone, but once you listen to a message it doesn't say "You have # new messages." Couldn't figure out how to fix that so I erased them!!! I ended up calling the OW this last time since I found out he had been talking to her when he told me he broke off the relationship. I went off! That's an understatement really. You can read about it in the first post on this thread. It's driving me crazy not knowing though. When we all three talked, she said it was time to decide (even though she had told me before he got in conversation that she was going to break it off with him since she couldn't trust him.) and he chose her. That was over a week ago. H said we were getting a divorce and he was moving out. I'm in complete limbo since I don't know whether he's just trying to pacify me until he can move out or where their relationship is. He's pulling up-gotta go.<P>Anna

Sorry, false alarm. I'm still here.<P>Anna

On my phones if you hit the # key, it 'skips' the message after you have listened to it...looks like messages haven't been listened to...and you don't have to erase them...<P>If I hadn't confessed to my H, he still wouldn't know that i was listening to his cell voice mails...<P>i don't recommend listening though, it only gives you needless torture.<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

He changed the pin so I can't listen anyway. I'm tired of listening to them - you're right more heartache. I got worried last night. H went to his drummer's house to talk to him at 9:00. After he was gone about 40 minutes, the drummer called and asked if H was home. I said no, he's supposed to be at your house. Drummer (this is a new guy and I don't know if he knows situation or not) said he was on his way home, but H had told him if he ever came to drummer's house and he wasn't home, H would wait at H's mother's. She lives next door. I didn't say anything to H last night. I was worried that he found drummer wasn't home and went to pay phone or something. Talked to MIL this morning and he did go to her house and played the Playstation game with his younger brother. I was impressed. H was home by 10:30 so I know he didn't have time to have much of a conversation with her if any at all. Good new also, H's cell phone is being turned off Aug. 23rd. So no more voice mail. If she wants to leave him a message after that, it will have to be on answering machine or an e-mail (he has private hotmail account). I really don't know what's going on with their relationship. I know he checked his voice mail Monday night after he woke up from passing out and he made a face at whatever message was on there. He was irritable for a while after that also. Maybe they're having problems. I won't ever know unless he tells me something.

Resilient-- We have that sir cam virus on our computer at home. Should I tell H how to get rid of it or wait until October and let the virus crash the whole dang thing? :P<P><BR>Got another question for ya'll. It may be a little long. Am I taking "cheap shots" at H by comments? H mentioned last night he was going to shave his b@lls (he's such a goof ball). I simply said ok. I was tired and had a really bad day yesterday. He looked up and said you don't care. I said, "Well, it's your body. I would stock up on band-aids for those cuts and scrapes and beware when it starts growing back. It's your body and it's your decision." He asked me, "So, I can do anything with my body." I just told him, "I can't control what you do. I don't have to agree with what you do or like what you do, but I can't control what you do. That's up to you." H didn't say anything after that. I fell asleep shortly and haven't talked to him since. He was asleep when I left for work this morning. Do you think I upset him or made him think? I don't know what to think. I didn't mean to LB if I did. I'm just worrying about it.

I've decided to tell H how to fix virus or just fix it myself. I'm debating whether to place a hidden monitoring program on my computer to see what he's e-mailing or chatting about. What do you think???

It's up to you, Dumplin. But just know you should prepare yourself for things that you may not wanna see.<P>I listened in for a long time and it was "UNBELIEVABLE" ... no other word. Most of it really hurt, very painful.<P>Primarily I wanted to know where they were at, if they had ended. But I had to listen to all the sex, manipulation and bad mouthing of me as well.<P>Think long and hard before you snoop, you may find just what you're looking for, Hon.<P>Jo

<B>"I can't control what you do. I don't have to agree with what you do or like what you do, but I can't control what you do. That's up to you."</B><P>I think the key to saying things like this in Plan A are the tone of voice. Remember, LB's are Disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, selfish demands, and annoying habits. sarcasm, nagging, and put-downs are LB's. What you said to him would be OK, if you said it in a calm, mature, gentle tone of voice. He needs lots of admiration - lots of stroking - making him feel good as a man - as a husband - as a father.<P>I hope you have read His Needs, Her Needs, and Love BUsters by now. If not, you need to ASAP. You'll want to do the best Plan A possible, for the best results and least frustration.

Thanks for the input. I'm still undecided on the monitoring software. I want to so I'll know what he's up to especially with OW, but at the same time I don't want to know. I'm still thinking on it.<P>What do you think about my conversation with H last night? I'm really trying to figure out if that is considered "cheap shots" at him or making him think in a roundabout way.

I'm in a similar situation-except my H has had (still having) and EA with OW.<P>What caught my eye in your postings is the complaints your H has about you.."you are always up his butt, etc." My H sort of says the same about me. He says he would be happier if I cleaned the house. Our house IS clean but he wants it cleaner (i.e., MIL standards). I have made changes to make sure the house is cleaner-but he makes messes and tells everyone that I'm the slob. I don't know how you cope with the feelings that no matter what you try to change for your husband, he's never happy with it. No matter how much I clean, it's never clean enough.<P>Does anyone have any suggestions? For both of us?

What they are going through is really NOT about you! They want to make it so...they may even think so...BUT IT's NOT...that's why you can NEVER change ENOUGH for them!<P>The changes you make have to be fundamental changes FOR YOURSELF! You have to make YOU stronger...<P>When you try to change for them...it is like chasing them and being desparate to have them....they can never make you feel better.<P>The love and satisfaction has to come from you and starts with loving yourself....<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

DBS,<P>Thank goodness, my H doesn't complain about the house. It isn't a disaster, but it is lived in. It's impossible to keep spotless with a 3 and 9 year old running around in it. In fact, when I do try to clean the house (if he's home) he thinks I'm ignoring him. I'm so sorry for your situation.<P>Anna

Faith,<P>I know I said it in a calm voice. I was half-asleep. I think he got the point though. I know he got quiet really quick. He has no problem with letting me know if I've upset him. It's almost funny right now. The way he said, "You don't care?" When I simply said, "Okay." He's always saying stuff like that to get a reaction from me-good or bad. I wish I would have been facing him so I could have seen his face. I don't think I could have said it if I was looking at him though without him seeing what I was thinking in my eyes.<P>Anna

The worst thing is that we have roomies. Long story...but we live in the basment & we have 3 roomies upstairs in our TH. It's a small place for FIVE adults, but the roomies were there before I was. The TH is his mom's-she moved to TX 3 1/2years ago (before we were married) and we bought the TH from her. My H has always had roomies and thinks nothing of it. For me, it's a little wierd-but they are usually not home. However, when/if we finally buy a H-NO MORE roomies-and I mean it.<P>So, not only do we have our own stuff in the house we have other people who sometimes do leave dirty dishes in the sink, recyclables next to the sink and I have to juggle laundry time with them. We also have a black dog who sheds big clumps of hair. I used to vacuum only to please my H but now it really does bother me, so I vacuum every 3 days or so.<P>I come from a VERY messy house. My mom collects everything-and I mean there are 30+ boxes of cereal UNDER the kitchen table and a 2 ft pile of paper ON the table. It's like that all over my parent's house. It was hard when we got married for me to even realize our house was "messy" since I came from such a messy environment. My H doesn't understand this since he lived with his MIL until we got married (her TH-remember!) and she cleaned ALL the time!<P>I think he expects me to be up to her clean standards, when he isn't himself. I think his mom picked up after him all the time, did his laundry, cooked, cleaned while he was free to go out all the time. So, he suddenly thinks he's the clean one when it was really HER. So, I can't compete with that and don't even know where to begin!<P>Dumplin-I'll hang in there if you will. We have to be strong for ourselves. I feel for you in your situation and hope things get better.<p>[This message has been edited by deepbluesea (edited August 08, 2001).]