My H had an affair with my ex best friend almost 6 years ago. I just found out the truth a month ago. So even though it's past, it feels like today to me. At that time, we were separated for 9 months. We eventually got back together, did counseling, etc.<P>Well, he was finally "forced" to tell me the truth last month. I was so sad to hear that not only had they snuck around for quite a while to be together, but they were together in MY BED. That's by far the lowest thing anybody can do to another. I haven't slept there since I found out.<P>Anyway, these secrets and lies almost destroyed me. I kind of figured out he had been lying last fall. But I had to wait 10 months for it to come up in counseling. In the meantime, I had anxiety problems for the first time ever and actually went on antidepressants. The lying and deceit are the worst for me. Plus, I was exposed to the threat of stds and they didn't have the decency to tell me. That is so incredibly selfish.<P>When we were separated, his family truly proved the blood is thicker...theory. They kind of ignored me, said that he did "nothing" with her, always had him over for supper, etc. I barely heard from them in almost a year. I needed support so badly and he got it all. Of course they didn't know the truth either.<P>Now, I'm very depressed again. It will take me a while to work thru this whole thing. I don't like to be with groups of people right now cuz I'm drained and it wears me out. His mom wanted to have a birthday get together and I told her in a nice way, I'm not up to it right now. So of course she's kind of mad at me. I know it's not my job, but I just wish they knew the truth. No details, just that he did betray me and that I wasn't imagining the whole thing and blowing it out of proportion which they implied.<BR>Since he wants to keep this a secret (big surprise considering how he lied for so long), I'm afraid to even be around them. That I'll slip or something.<P>I am not trying to punish him. He's said I'm being very good right now, not showing anger, etc. He's also said he doesn't know if he could forgive me if it were vice versa.<P>I'm just wondering if other betrayed spouses feel that way. I feel like he lied to protect their little fantasy land for 6 years and now he's lying again to cover his butt with them. They of course just think I'm being unfriendly and don't care about them. I talked to my counselor and she said all I can do is pray about it. maggierose

Maggierose,<P>One of the things I can tell you is the drop in your self esteem because of the A's, lying, sneaking, etc. You have alot more to deal with in the physical sense - mine was an EA with a family friend, the stupid buying a rose, sending cards, making mailing labels (can I actually believe he sat at his desk at work, and took the time to make all these damn mailing labels for the cards (he had bought to send while we moved). Big trigger for me STAMPS now - I go beserk over stamps at his office. But calling on our calling card at phone booths - which phone booth - anyway - you know how you can get obsessed with every little detail.<P>Anyway, what I wanted to tell you is mine is EA - but I am so emotionally fragile right now (14 mos later), I cannot handle talking to neighbors. Certain neighbors I do not want them to see me, I basically hibernate in my house, I go shopping, take the girls to play at friends house, go to their school, and go to work. But the only thing I really want is to have my H around, and I don't feel comfortable at all in the presence of crowds, or neighbors (obviously they must think I am so anti-social). That's their problem.<P>Hang in there. We can talk about these feelings of self esteem, and maybe we'll both get better. hugs, aftershock<BR>(ps I know you are in intense pain right now - I'm not in that intense - but I'm in pain all the same).

Maggierose, I know what you mean about covering their lies. When my H admitted there was something between him and a co-worker he said that they had 'feelings' for each other but 'nothing happened.' So that is the story people got when they found out he moved out. Now I know they did have sex and I feel like I am helping to cover their lies! When I am discussing our situation with family or friends they always seem to mention, "Well, at least he didn't have sex with her." I just want to throw up. Even his mom has said, "I really don't think his confusion has anything to do with 'c'." I bet she would think differently if she knew what I know! And yes, I have thought about blowing their cover. But I want my marriage to work and I know that would be a HUGE LB!<P>I'm sorry for your pain, but if the A is that far in the past please do your best to leave it in the past. A lot of us would kill to be able to be in your shoes! I don't say that to diminish your situation, just want you to see you are already way down the road to recovery. You are already off the roller coaster ride, you are just tripping on a bump in the road. Good Luck!<BR>Heck

I guess the question is how high is truth on your list of EN's and on your H's list? He said he doesn't think he could do that for you, then why does he think you should do it for him? <P>My H said the same thing. I said secrets are what got him in trouble. H agreed. Then the truth is what can get him out of trouble. Now who you tell and how much you tell is where discresion and discernment come into play. <P>Some know about H's A. It was way to obvious. Most do not know the details you all know here. Sufficient to say it is enough. Not even our parents know the whole story. Only a few very very close, mature and supportive persons. No more. <P>None the less it is the truth. For me it is a priority. <P>Just wanted to add that this is not a mandate. You have to weigh it with all involved. I do not advocate lying but it is important to be "cautious as serpents yet innocent as doves" (a quote from a very wise man). <P>L. <p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 03, 2001).]

To expound/expand upon Orchid's post:<P>Nothing furthers the recovery more than the concept of radical honesty. Without it, you are building a house upon shifting desert sands. With it, you have an enduring bedrock.<P>However, when implementing the rule of honesty within the bounds of the rules of care and protection (as Orchid puts it "use discretion and discernment").<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Ok STL, <P>I know I spelled discretion wrong (I kept looking at it and I just couldn't think), I was just too tired to look it up. <P>Thanks for the correction.....<P>....a Mrs. Webster, I am not.... <P>You know Maggie, those I told about the A regardless of the degree, I asked that they respect my decisions. This went especially to those I confided in. They were my support when my H was not around. I told H, he should be indebted that I had someone to lean on. H said he was but is now embaressed and shamed for his conduct. <P>Please excuse the typos, it is getting late out here. <P>L. <P>

Orchid,<P>At least you acknowledge your typos. (( smile ))

Maggierose, I'm certainly not one to keep a secret. When I found out for sure about my W and her A, the first people I called after my parents were hers. Told them everything, who he was and all about him where it happened (same place as yours..my bed) everything. They immediatly took my side as did the entire family three siblings and spouses. They can't believe it. Of course, she has very minimal contact with them right now because of it. It's like a drug addict, the WS's distance themselves from the people they know would disapprove. It's a disease and they have to hid it. My W has not once talked to her family about it and I doubt she ever will unless she lets God in her heart and that seems a far cry away. <P>Although God does do mircles (see 1 John). In a way, I think telling the family would be a good reality dose for him on the other hand it might be a huge LB. You just have to go on your gut, maybe talk to him about it and why you have been thinking it. I actually told everyone, her boss, her parents and our friends. I think that is mistake now that I look back on it, but you can't undo the past. <P>They are intoxicated right now and hopefully will snap out of it. I might have done a huge LB yesterday by confornting the OM, time will tell. Read my latest posts.<P>Just hang in there and things will work out the way God intended them to.<P>God Bless You<P>GC

Orchid:<P>Wasn't meant as a grammar correction: was drawing the correlation between you citing "discernment and discretion" (I typed it, and subconciously applied my spelling) and the MB concepts of care and protection within the bounds of honesty. :-)<P>The main thing to remember is that the WS is caught in a living lie (the fog). Plan A and MB concepts are a means to ease them out of the lie and into the truth.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Maggierose, <BR>I am sorry to hear of your DD of the A so far in the past.<BR> <BR>I was told here, that hearing these facts and incidences now, is like stepping on a land mine from a war long ended. <P>My H's A was started 3 yrs ago. Co worker. I discovered they had lunches together frequently, a year ago. For the past year, all counseling and talking, has been about the "lunches" and gifts exchanged.<BR> <BR>A year into their A, I had breast cancer with the chemo and radiation, but this did not deter their lust. They had a few overnight "business" trips and OW wanted H to leave me at that time. There was no intimacy between my H and I during the time of the affair, I expressed my concern, but he told me there wasn't anyone else, he didn't miss it and was pouring his energy into his job. In truth, he was having sex at least 3 times a week. <P>I have felt all the things you are feeling, the panic attacks, depression, anger...I have been where you are. <BR>I guess my H's devotion to "us" and the fact that OW moved away, have helped me through this. There are still days that I feel so betrayed by the one person who has always loved me (this was his only A in 40 yrs of marriage) that it just overwhelms me.<BR> <BR>Read here, as I have, and know that we are all dealing with the problems. Sad that it is so prevalent. I remember in my first year of posting, how I kept referring to my H's EA, and I know that some here probably knew already that I was up against a PA. There are wise people here and I am thankful for them and the articles available to us.<BR>LAD<P>Just 6 wks ago H admitted it was an affair from the start, went on for two years and ended just before I found out about the lunches. DD all over again. <P>There are so many lies involved with his stories that I can not believe him now, even when he swears it's the truth. <BR>I am trying so hard to get over this, but feel like another "truth" will be revealed and I will have to relive the incidences again, with the new fact in place. <P>It is hard. I wish you much patience and understanding. My H will talk about anything now, and usually a little bit of new information comes forth. More recently he is critical of OW, where at the first DD, he defended her and put her feelings before mine, her needs before our marriage. <P>LAD

I have a new book, "When your Lover is a liar" that I highly recommned. Also the book, "Private Lies".<P>Other than that, secrecy is taught by our society and only the strongest can summon the courage to be honest.