My wife and I have been in the recovery process for twelve months now. I had the affair. Inspired by the list prepared by OneDay (“What I have learned since d-day”), I have decided to write down some of my own discoveries. Although I am writing from a different perspective, I share her optimism and positive outlook. I hope I manage to communicate this energy in the thoughts that follow.<P>Love<P>1. I love my wife, my children, and the family that we are. I have taken this love for granted for some time now. The culmination of my selfishness was the affair I had last year. Yet it is my love towards them that eventually helped me out of the hell that I created for myself, and gave me determination to make things better. Never again will I lose sight of them.<BR>2. I have little love for myself at this moment, let alone respect. What I did was horrible and shameful. Perhaps this will change in the future. For now, I walk naked – without the shield that my integrity used to provide.<BR>3. I feel no love whatsoever towards the woman with whom I had the affair. I never did. I never will. The attraction I felt last year was circumstantial, misguided and superficial.<P>Trust<P>4. Trust is a privilege, not a right. By having an affair and concealing the truth, I lost the privilege to be trusted by my spouse. This changes everything in ones life, from going out to the supermarket at night, to driving the car into work alone. Yet it is not my place to challenge her trust in me. My role is to regain her trust.<BR>5. Perhaps I will someday enjoy the degree of trust I had before the affair. If not, this should not be interpreted as a weakness in our relationship. Rather, it should be seen as a scar – a constant reminder of what I did to the person I love the most in the world.<P>Communication<P>6. A key to recovery is communication.<BR>7. Communication and talking are two different concepts. I am alright at the latter, but weak at the former. Most of the fights that we have had during our marriage, and during the recovery process, stem from this weakness.<BR>8. In order to communicate, I must first listen.<BR>9. I must separate my wife’s words, from the emotions that are behind them. I often get enraged by her speech, and lose sight of the feelings that fuel it. These may be feelings of hurt, insecurity, anger. I must listen to the words, but respond to the emotion.<P>Action<P>9. Words are only part of the solution. The recovery process requires me to act upon my words, to make changes, to make things right.<BR>10. Promises can end a late-night argument, but they have little healing value unless they are actually implemented. Make less promises. Act more.<P>Contact<P>11. Initially, I thought that the “no-contact” rule was unnecessarily harsh. In fact, for professional reasons, it was difficult for me to end all contact until approximately two months ago. In other words, for the first 10 months following the affair, I had occasional encounters with the woman with whom I had an affair – by phone, by e-mail and in person. Despite the fact that the contacts were infrequent and strictly professional, there is no doubt whatsoever that they added tremendous stress to the recovery process. We are now free from her, and doing so much better.<BR>12. There may still be occasions where, despite my best efforts, I will encounter the woman in question. If this happens, I must refrain from any form of exchange and report the appearance to my wife. This may sound arbitrary, but it is necessary to regain her trust.<P>Help<P>13. I hate getting help for anything. But recovery is not something we could do for ourselves, regardless of how many books we read. Our marriage counselor is worth every dollar!<BR>14. Another great source of help has proven to be God. We have been slow to let him into our lives, but in the past year he has supported us in our weakest moments.

Wow! I'm so glad that you posted. I'm not familiar with your story how long did your A last? Did you move out of your home? What finally made you realize how much you loved your wife and family? What brought you out of the fog? Sorry if it seems as though I have ask alot of questions. It gives me some hope to know that people really do reconcile and can get past the A. Right now I don't see that in my future or at least my WH doesn't see it in our future. Good luck to you and your wife!<BR>cybil

thank you for your insight as the WS in recovery. I long to be there also. I printed off your list in hopes of a chance fo my WS to see there is hope and restoration is possible.

What a wonderful post. My h had a lot of affairs. And tho I struggled with recovery after each one...never once did he respond like you have. <P>Your spouse is so lucky. I wish you both the best.

Unan,<P>Your post is so beautiful. I truly believe that every betrayed spouse is secretly wishing that your words would one day come from their spouses. You have given everyone one here a tremendous insight and hope that maybe one day our spouses will be as eloquent. Take care of you and your family. You have given us hope tonight!<P>I hope you have shared this w/your spouse.<P>Shaz

What a beautiful post! Thank you thank you! Best wishes to you and your family!<P>Please learn to love yourself. You have to forgive yourself too. God forgives you. He created us, and none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Be proud to be His child. You are special, and have given us so much by posting this list!<P>Thanks again! I hope you stay around and read and post with us - and your wife too.

Unan...<P>Out of my valley of despair came this post...a dream...a hope flickered...<P>my H has made some changes...though he still says he never should have married me...never really wanted to...just went along with it...and now no longer wants to be married...so I am just supposed to let it happen...much like he says he let our marriage happen...<P>I am close to wanting just to give up...he just wants to leave and be by himself and see the kids whenever...<P>I wish you and your wife well...I pray that in a year I will be in a better place...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Unan,<BR>A bump up<P>I would be interested in hearing the answers to the questions that cybil asked?, if you do not mind sharing these?<P>Thanks in advance<P>mands

Hello Unan, What an amazing post...if only my H had those same words. I so long for that. <P>I, too, would also love to hear your responses to Cybil's questions. <P>Congratulations on your recovery and God Bless...

Unan:<P>I give you a lot of credit for recognizing your mistake and taking action to restore your marriage. I think you managed to communicate your discoveries very well. Your perspective is optimistic and positive. It's great to hear, that as a WH, you have come to this realization and your thoughts are very inspiring. Your outlook and point of view is admirable. <BR>I only wish that my H would come to this realization...but, unfortunately that doesn't look like it's going to happen.<P>May God Bless<P><BR>

Unan,<P>Thank you for your post. That was very inspiring. It must set you free to honor your marriage once again.<P>I hear remorse and compassion in your words, something that is very rare from a WS. God is most certainly at work here.<P>Like the others, I too would like to hear the answers to Cybil's questions.<P>God Bless you and Famliy,<BR>Jo

bump up...

Like the others- it was great to read your message. It gives some hope to some dark days. Keep up the good work and God bless. Wish my H could read your message. I also would like to know the answers to Cybil's questions. Take care!--KID

Unan,<P>Well said! What a genuine, heartful expression of your reflections and lessons. Thank you for sharing this with us. It is always difficult to bear one's vulnerabilities. But, this is truly a loving and supporting community. I hope you will continue to post your thoughts.<P>Obviously you have come a long, long way from the fog of the A, and I suspect that it was not a quick and painless journey for either you or your W.<P>May I comment on some of your points in turn? I warn you that I am known to have long comments and multiple reflections on any one point. I hope you can bear with me, and I do apologize in advance.<P>1. Presumably, you have told your wife and children that you love them and what the depth of that love is. Please continue to do that many, many times a day. Have you written a letter to them about your love, the loss of that feeling, the re-discovery of it, your certainty that you will never lose sight of it again? Have written them to apologize for the selfishness and explained to them how their love helped you out of your hell?<P>2. We all walk naked at some time in our lives. It is part of being human. We make errors, sometimes really, really terrible and hurtful ones. But being willing to be forgiven is important. The process of forgiveness is often spoken about on this forum and there seems to be a consensus on some necessary steps. The first step is to accept responsibility without blaming others, which you seem to have done; why not write your wife a letter? The second is to ask for foregiveness. The Bible talks about asking for forgiveness, 7 times 7 times 7 times , I think (HGBrawner and others could give you the exact quote). Ask your W for forgiveness; it may not come at the first request or the second, or the fortieth, but I bet it will come. Also, what about asking God for forgiveness? I believe that God is benevolent and even when we have sinned, God does not wish us to be alone in our suffering. Ask God for foregiveness privately, ask him for direction on how to make reparations, seek his counsel to learn to love yourself again. Perhaps going to confession could help you, not as an end point when the priest says "You are forgiven my child" but as a starting point in your communications with God about regaining self-love and self-respect. You were no doubt a man of great integrity, probably someone you would never have thought could do such a thing. It is not too late to reclaim that integrity, your dignity and your respect for yourself. But you are right that all these things will take sustained commitment and action. For my part, as a BS, I have little love for myself at this moment also. My H pointed out my flaws, real and imagined, and told me that they drove him to have an A. I have never had the best self-esteem in the world, but the be told by the person you most love in the world that you are not loved and without much value, that any life without you would be better than settling for the misery that is M to me, well, I cannot put words to how eroded my self-esteem has become. The only love I have is for my innocent children, who did not deserve any of this, and even for my H whom I have obviously failed. But as for love for myself, I have forgotten what that feels like. I don't think my conduct in my M before or after the A was horrible or shameful; it certainly was not perfect, of course it was wanting in many ways. Sometimes I still think "if only I was better at ..." or "if only I saw ..." or "if only I said ..." or "if only I did ..." So, while we are on different sides of this experience, I too fell shame; such shame that my H went elsewhere to have a need filled, such shame that others know about this, such shame that I can barely face my friends who don't have a clue of the hell that is my life.<P>3. Our MC once suggested writing down the "story of the A", how it started, how it felt, and in your case how it was circumstantial, misguided and superficial, and selfish. Have a written conversation with yourself about how you plan to never again take your wife and family for granted and never lose sight of your love for them and their, obvious, love for you. Our MC suggested that both my H and I do this, when we felt ready, then exchange the letters, and then burn them. I guess I will have to give some thought to when that might be.<P>4. I agree that trust is a privilege and that you have much work ahead of you to regain your W's trust. That said, it is probably not as daunting a task as it seems. Her are some of my suggestions: make your life a completely open book to her, in everyway you can think of, and do this enthusiastically without her asking; acknowledge when something might be difficult for her and reassure her of your thoughts and planned course of action; avoid any behavior that is reminiscent of the time around the A, they are likely to be triggers and at the least might cause insecurity, tell her when you notice her trusting you, even just a little.<P>5. You are right that you could enjoy a high degree of trust again and you probably will. If it is not like it was before, that is not a failure but an element of added protection to your relationship that you did not have before. And it may well apply both ways.<P>6. Absolutely.<P>7. Talking is the easy part but really quite fruitless without listening, understanding, empathising and open exchange. Only with all these other elements is there communication. Communication should also be a constant, not something sporadic, scheduled between 8 and 10 pm on Saturday night. It would ideally become a way of life, prevalent in an exchange on the grocery list and in a discussion about the religious education of the children. Have you had an honest discuss about needs recently or bbehaviors which annoy or anger one another?<P>8. Often times listening is the hardest part of communication. I certainly know that personally. I sometimes think I know what someone is trying to say, even before they have finished their sentence. Sometimes I am right; but I am wrong the remainder of the time.<P>9. I learned that listening to my H's words, especially when he is depressed or anxious (which I really wish came color-coded for easy identification), is only half the skill. Listening for the emotions which are being expressed in those words is much harder. I guess speech is a rough tool, really, in translating our feelings and thoughts into words. What goes on in our heads and hearts are often hard enough to identify, let alone to put into words and to share those words with another person. I find that sometimes asking a few questions helps, such as "Do you find it hard to see me in tears? Why is that? Should I hide my tears from you? What would you rather I do?"<P>10. One of the biggest obstacles to recovery in my M has been my H's empty promises, half-hearted promises, broken promises, and promises of future conduct. Not only do these do nothing to advance recovery, they actually contribute to its demise. In a time when trust building is essential, each of these is trust destroying. Words are great, but only when followed by immediate, sustained and committed action.<P>11. You are completely correct that words have little healing value. They might end an argument, they might even invoke a momentary feeling of hope, but without acting on the promises right away, they have no healing value at all.<P>12. I can only imagine how your W must have felt for those 10 months of continued contact. I can also empathize with the mixed feelings that this contact must have caused within you and how much harder it was to completely withdraw from the A and its hold on you. I rather expect that the continued contact was not worth the added stress to your recovery and possibly added pain and direct conflict between you and your spouse that could have otherwise been completed avoided. Having lived continued contact, what would you recommend to other WSs about the "no contact" rule and how adamant a couple in recovery should be to applying it?<P>13. I am sure your wife appreciates that you have thought about this and that you have a plan in place to deal with such occurrences. Definitely trust enhancing conduct! On the same note, is there anyway that you could profess your commitment to your W publically, for sufficiently wide circulation that those who may know about the A or have heard rumours could have no doubt about your love and commitment to your W?<P>14. I am in complete agreement about MC. I really credit our MC for getting my H and I as far as we have come in recovery. The MB forums have also been invaluable, as the friends here are so very supportive, positive, candid and non-judgmental. I, myself, like the books too. While I do not treat them as gospel, I do see valid suggestions for dealing with this whole mess, which I am happy to apply when it seems sensible and applicable.<P>15. I have prayed to God daily since last September for the first time in my entire life. I have prayed for strength, for his help to protect our children, for him to reach out for my H and to bring him back to the fold or our family, for his support through our suffering, and for his love despite our many mistakes. I thank God for not abandoning us in these past twelve months.<P>Unan, thank you for your insights. I hope your W has read this thread. If she has, I am certain that she has been touched by it. Have you spoken about your post? That would probably be a wonderful form of communication.<P>I wish you the very, very best in your continued recovery with your W. By the way, how is your W these days?<P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill<p>[This message has been edited by OneDay (edited August 12, 2001).]

Your post has touched me greatly! My husband and I are just starting our road of recovery. It has been only two weeks since I ended all contact with the other. And we are working on completing the MB program. He doesn't like to read, so he is listening to the "His Needs, Her Needs" on cassette. I hope that we will be able to get to the point where you and your wife are in your relationship with each other. It definitely takes a lot of time and effort, and lots of prayer. We go to church together and have started a couples devotional each night before we go to sleep. I think we are on the right track this time. Again, thanks for sharing your story of recovery! It gives me great hope!

up to the top...<P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill

What a great post, and what a great person you are for sharing, thank you so much! It is obvious to me that you will be one of those very few couples who end up having a marriage that will be better than it was before the affair!! <P>Do you have any insight as to why your current thoughts and actions are different from other WS's?

First of all, let me appologise for not responding to your posts any sooner. I have encountered some troubles with my registration during the last week (corrupt password), and I have finally decided to register under a new name, "Unan2", in order to post again.<P>Thank you all for your kind words. I hope I did not mislead anyone: our recovery is no way over, and the process has been (and continues to be) a difficult one. Your wishes do, however, give us great comfort.<P>Cybil asked about my story. "How long did the affair last?" This is a hard question, and I am sure that my wife would offer you a different version, based on her own definition of an affair. From my perspective, I would say that the physical part of my affair lasted for only a few weeks, during the month of september 2000. Yet (and this is the harder part to define) the emotional betrayal began as early as July of the same year, and continued for a few weeks after our last physical encounter. In other words, I had a totally improper relationship with another woman for approximately 4 months.<P>"Did you move out of your home?" I did not move out of my home, although I did make some threats in the heat of the moment. My wife tells me that, on one occasion, she looked in the yellow pages for a moving company -- yet she never followed through. Thus, we stayed together during the entire episode; sleeping in the same bed; riding in the same car; eating at the same table. In retrospective, this probably helped us along the path of recovery. Although extremly unpleasant at times, we were forced to COMMUNICATE our feelings at all times during the course of the affair; we simply had no choice, as we were sharing the same space, at most times.<P>"What finally made you realize how much you loved your wife and family? What brought you out of the fog?" This is another tough question. I cannot canvass the entire subject in one post; this would be artificial and perhaps misleading. The best I can say is that the recovery PROCESS is what brought me out of the fog. My wife did everything by the book, even tough she had not read anything at the time. She followed, in essence, plan A for the first 4 months following discovery. She did not flee. She stayed and forced us to address issues in our marriage that were left untouched. She took our relationship to a next level and, in the process, made me discover something that I had never realised: she is stronger than anyone I have ever encountered! There was no way that anyone could ever compete with her. Once I made this realisation, the next step was to rebuild our marriage. This, we continue to do on a daily basis...and will continue doing until the day that death do us part.

thank you Unan! Good luck and many prayers to you and your wife!

Bringing this up to the top.