snooperhubby<P>I could be wrong here, but by your screen name, I am assuming that you are good at 'snooping'. If you read my first post here about thinking my husband is having/thinking about having and affair, you would know that I have some reasons to think that he may be. <P>Can you teach me how to snoop? I have always been such a trusting soul...some may say I am gullible (sp?) Tell me how to get the proof I need...to either 'convict' or 'acquit' him.<P>Thanks!<BR>Gabbie

Gabbie,<BR>Not "snooperhubby" but I didn't want your post to go by without any response. <P>There are many, many things you can do, most legal, a couple not. And many sites on the internet that can help. Email me at Nerlycrzy@aol.com and I'll give you those sites if you'd like.<P>The suggestions run from hiring a Private investigator, pretty expensive I think, to renting a car and following him yourself or having a trusted friend do it. Getting Caller ID on your phone, hitting *69 or redial after he's been home alone. There are lots and lots of ideas, some workable, some kinda farfetched. <P>To me, the worst part is not knowing, suspecting but being unable to prove. The uncertainity makes you crazy. When you know what is actually going on, you can make a decision on your course of action, but suspicions only, leave you in constant limbo. Good luck to you Gabbie....

Hi, Gabbie: The most sound advice I was given, was by a PI I had contacted. He advised me to keep a journal of my H's activities. Write down everything, as insignificant as it might seem at the time. Eg: H left to get gas at 10:20, arrived back at 11:20. Without badgering him, inquire if the station had been busy, how was the price of gas, did he fill up, etc. Make a note of that. It is amazing what a short memory span most men have. If/when he goes out two nights later to fill up again, when you know he hasn't left the driveway, then it will give you another piece of the puzzle. Also, snag any receipts from the ATM machine, receipts, anything! They not mean anything to you right now, but eventually they may be more than beneficial to you.<P>I kept my journal for months, without really figuring things out. But, when my H finally cleaned his truck out, and discarded ATM/debit card/grocery store receipts, I rifled through the garbage bag, and took all of them. Later, I was able to map out his activities. In one particular instance, I checked his cell bill calls (had to get previous copies mailed to me) for one day, by comparing receipts I had found, plus my journal data, I realized that he had been in town one morning, had received a call at 9:20 on cell phone, then made a trip to the grocery store and picked up food items, which never made it into our house, then left that same afternoon for the cottage. H had just "felt the need" to go fishing that day, as the weather was beautiful! He did pack up foodstuff from our home, but only for one person. When I checked the grocery bill, I realized he had purchased for an extra person.<P>The journal is invaluable for putting dates and times together, which otherwise, you would be likely to forget. Good luck, and I hope you don't find that your suspicions have been correct.<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

You can purchase a telephone "audit" type machine from Radio Shack that will record the number (on paper) of all outgoing telephone calls.<P>Hello Direct also sells such a machine.<P>Armed with outgoing numbers dialed, use infoseek.com or similar to do a reverse lookup. Once you do the reverse lookup, check and see if the spouse is at the address the number comes back to during unexplained absences.<P>I've just been through something similar. Be prepared to be lied to and lied to. I think even if you have pictures they'll still lie and deny.<P>P

Oh, yes. And be very circumspect in letting him/her know what you know. I have made the mistake of confronting my H with phone bills and checking phone numbers called. He knows that he is guilty and is using his anger at his own guilt to be mad at me because I let him know what I know. <P>Just when I thought he could be trusted to disconnect with the OW I find out that he is lying again. . .he feels so sorrrry for her.<P>Anyway, I'm getting off of your subject. Just be careful what is revealed.<P>And thank you to the person who suggested getting a device to check outgoing calls from my phone line. I wonder if it can be hidden?

If you have a second phone outlet that is unused, my understanding is you just plug it in there. The unit does NOT have to be plugged into the regular phone.<P>I'd also order caller ID if you don't have it already. That is GREAT to find out what calls are coming in.<P>If your significant other has a cell phone, be aware that most phones store the last 10 dialed numbers in memory. IF you don't know how to work the cell phone, get the model number and the carrier they use. Go to one of the stores and play dumb -- ask them to demo the feature!!<P>From experience, I recommend gathering several sets of evidence before confronting. And once you confront, expect to hear denials like you won't believe.<P>If I had to replay this portion of discovering my wife's unfaithfulness over again I would probably have gathered much more evidence.<P>And once you confront, watch out. Because it only makes them 10 times harder to catch at it again. They become more cautious.<P>P<P>

If you will look at my other posts, you will see that I am an avid snooper. But over time my H has seen what I've been doing and I do know that it has hurt my relationship with him. My recent incident was yesterday when he came back from a trip with the OW. I found condoms in his bag after he swore to me that he wasn't going to do anything with her (just break up). He said they were from before. I had the receipt in my hand recently dated and he blew up at me. Anything positive in our relationship was absolutely gone. So lesson learned, maybe just keep what you've learned to yourself and be prepared to be hurt from what you find.

Depending on why you are collecting information, it probably works better to keep a journal and log all the funny stuff until you have a lot of evidence.<P>My experience is that if you snoop, discover, confront -- that it drives the other person away and makes them more cautious.<P>The way to go is to gather a lot of evidence. Consider what you want to do with it. And then proceed.<P>P

Thank you all for the advice. <P>I had thought of keeping a journal...I just have to find the perfect hiding spot for it. You see, my husband is a super-snoop. He thinks that <B> I </B> am the one who cannot be trusted. I understand his feeling this way, as his first wife cheated on him numerous times. He finds it hard to trust anyone, and I don't blame him, although I have never given him a reason not to trust me. He says that he trusts me more than he has ever trusted anyone in his whole life. But there are times when he goes snooping through my drawers, or through the computer files 'just to make sure'. I think it's more of a habit for him than anything, he had to snoop for so many years in his previous marriage. I hide nothing from him...I have no reason to.<P>You know, one thing I do is keep track of his work hours. I put them in the computer, and verify his pay each payday. If something doesn't add up, I'll know that he is not working all the hours he claims to. It happened once...and I asked him about it. He called his boss right away, and it turned out to be an accounting error. I heard the phone call, so I know it to be true, and his boss made up the difference on his next paycheck.<P>Gabbie<P>

Gabbie,<BR> Your H might be snooping to see if you have any evidence of his affair.<P> I know a guy who was cheating on his wife. He had his own phone line bugged until his wife found the bug. Why did he have the phone bugged? Well, he figured that his wife would probably talk about her suspicions over the phone, and he would be able to tell how much she knew or didn't knew. Well, when she found the bug, she hired a PI to follow him...CAUGHT him! They're still married, and I haven't heard of him cheating in a number of years. He was rather proud of being a "hunk", and I think he figured that with all these women chasing him, he'd be a fool not to take some of them up on it. Turns out he made an even bigger fool of himself.

Oh my....I had never thought of that. haha Goes to show you how naive I am!<P>Gabbie