Here's the background:<P>Separated 5 weks at W's request, me in apartment, her with kids in house. I made a mistake letting her guilt me into that one. 'Love you, not in love' speech. Pretty common walk away wife stuff. Last year has been very tough. She had bout with eating disorder, then alcoholism. In recovery since March, decided late June she wanted some time and space. I did all the wrong things-reasoning, begging, pleading, getting emotional. Finally, there was no choice. I was somewhat guilted into moving into apartment near house. See kids often, speak to her several times a week.<P>Our interaction now is very cordial-no fighting, and so far almost no OR talk either. She says 'I just don't know', thinks we 'are headed to D'. I have my share of blame for the situation (angry, silent, withdrawn), but she is laying most of the fault at my doorstep. I believe she is really trying to find her sense of self, a female MLC.<P>I have seen evidence that she is in an EA with her boss, not physical yet, but maybe headed that way. Looks like so far OM has not played along. She has written that she loves him, misses him etc. i see it as her lurching for someone else to pay attention to her (EN i was not good at)<P>I have been trying to focus on me and make changes, and I think i am having some success. Have lost weight, gotten more in touch with my feelings, more open and less withdrawn. I am attending Al-Anon meetings regularly. Trying to get out and do things. It's not all bad.<P>She agreed to counseling, and we are working with a therapist. Have had 2 sessions. First one so-so, second one very good, we actually agreed to longer session next time. Our goals are not the same-i want reconciliation, she 'is not sure'. But, at least she is ther.<P>I am 100% committed to making the relationship work. She is not anywhere close to that at this point. Have seem some minor warming recently. She gave me a relationship tape to watch that she liked. i have done her some favors.<P>I try to have a PMA whenever i see her, and we usually chat for a few minutes. No OR talk. I have for the most part done pretty well. i don't call her unnecessarily, don't send letters or cars or flowers (although i could write volumes).<P>My questions:<P>1. Think i am doing best Plan A i can given separation, but i feel too anxious and impatient about it. Even found out she took as an LB something i said to her as a compliment-she is just way down on me. I have considered sending her a letter telling her all of the ways i am working to change. Good idea?<P>2. She is working AA, and as i said above, i am in Al-Anon. We do connest a little over this common experience. One thing i failed miserably to do just prior to our split, that i think was major contributor, was not support her well in her recovery. i would like to send her a card in afew weeks (her 6 month recovery anniversary) telling her how proud i am of her, and honoring her recovery. No relationship stuff, just that i am proud. Good idea?<P>3. To be blunt, she is horny now (like i'm not?). I believe the EA will become a PA at her push. i can't see a good outcome for her. i am confident i could approach OM and ask him to back off, and he would do it. Part of me wants to keep her from moving to a PA, part says let her make her own mistakes, i am just trying to control her. Have not confronted her about it yet, will probably do next week in counseling. Talk to OM or not?<P>4. Some have suggested that i 'go dark' make interaction minimal, make her wonder and maybe miss me just a little. Seems kind of anti-Plan A. Good idea?<P><BR>

Hi,<P>I am hoping you are already familar with the basic concepts here at MB. You have been here and posting for a couple of months. If this is all still new to and you have not received a welcome package, let me know. <P>No one is the keeper of that responsibility, we just share the wealth....<P>Anyway you have good questions and since you also have special circumstances, I would like to put a call over to Bramble Rose. She is posting in the recovery site and has good support information. I will post a request for her to take a look at your thread. OK?<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Bumping this one up to the top. Hope Anb3 sees this.....<P>L.<P>I have it from a good source that Bramble Rose may stop by this thread, so I am keeping it at the top. Thganks for your response in the other thread. <P>L.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 20, 2001).]

Hey ANB3 ~<P>Glad to hear that you and your W are in 12 step programs. Sometimes, it doesn't happen in YOUR time, it happens in God's time. Or maybe your wife's time.<P>Stop talking about it. You know that Let Go and Let God thing?<P>You really really need to give your W to your HP. Without an instruction manual on how to fix her - because when you hand over a problem or person to God for fixing, and when you leave a detailed list on HOW to fix it, God doesn't listen either and you end up just as frustrated as you started out <P>There's a reason why God is God and we are the little people. He has a much bigger imagination than you or I, and he has a much clearer picture of what is going on, why and how to fix it. Let God with His Wisdom and Bigger Imagination sort this out!!<P>Keep the focus on you. Living with an alcoholic is not easy. Believe me, I know. I've got 11 years of an alcoholic spouse under my belt.<P>If your W is having an affair, you can't stop it. It's going to have to run its course. If we BS's could stop affairs, don't ya think we'd be sharing the formula? There is nothing you can do to control this situation. <P>All you can do is work on you. Do you have an Al-Anon sponsor? If you don't, get one, and start working the steps. After doing a very thorough step 4 with a sponsor, you'll be able to see much more clearly how you participated in the mess of your marriage, and how you can fix YOUR PART.<P>It sounds to me like your wife isn't done yet. Otherwise she wouldn't be giving you relationship tapes. I'm sure there is something on that tape that she wants you to hear and understand. <P>So give her space. The harder you push, the faster she'll run.<P>I was separated 18 months before my H decided to come home. This may take awhile for you too, so settle in and work at it one day at a time!<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Hi Br, <P>Thanks for your reply. I hope ANB3 looks at this. ..<P><BR>You are awesome!!!! <P>Take care, <BR>L.<BR>

Thanks Orchid and Brose. What great words, i really appreciate it. i am struggling with patience right, i feel i need to take some action to 'fix' things. Probably big part of the reason our R is where it is. Codependence? Maybe. <P>i have gotten a great deal from Al-Anon, and i will be starting an intensive '12 steps in six weeks' program next month. My W recommended it-she is just finishing one herself. it includes an intensive fourth step session for 3-4 hours with a sponsor. Looking forward to it.<P>Strangely, AA/Al-Anon is one place where W and i can connect a little. Fairly common shared experience. I called her the other night to tell her i had picked up my white chip-she seemed interested. She also seems very interested in what i am working with my therapist on. Maybe she is watching a little.<P>Thanks for the encouragement-good words to live by.<P>Thanks to you both.