I don't know aftershock...I don't know you or your H except through posts...<P>BUT again...it seems as if something deeper is going on...I think marital counseling...plus physical dr. for your H...<P>You need to get at the root of why he does not want SF...something BIG happened/ or caused him to change for there to be such a drastic change 5 or 6 yrs. ago...it could be TOTALLY unrelated to you...<P>just a thought...I hate so to read your pain...I am so sorry you have to go through this...<P>Cali

after shock,<P>just wanted to let you know I'm right with you on this one. I've been out of conference because I was away last week on business. <P>Whilst I was away I sent short messages to the W. I either got a very small response or nothing. When I returned on Saturday, I had a small kiss and then she went to talk with the neighbour who she hadn't seen for a week. So, I said 'hang on, you haven't seen me for a week, why don't you talk with me'. She responds with 'that's so uncool'. We went to bed around 11:00. She just wanted a cuddle. Nothing else. <P>So, I get up. Take a beer from the fridge and walk the streets for an hour. Then I listened to music until 3:00am. Then I slept in my boys bed until 6:00am. Then I'm on the terrace. Sitting. Thinking.<P>We tried to discuss what happened on Sunday. She just gets defensive and angry. If I said 'boo' she'd probably get angry. Sorry, but with all the will in the world, I can't make that right. Somethings broken and it ain't gettin fixed.<P>Now, something else happened last week which has given me much cause to reflect on where I am in my life. And what I want in my life.<P>after shock, just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and can really sympathise with your situation. I'm not going to say anything about what you should or shouldn't do but IMHO, you're asking the right questions.<P>take care.

Thanks Bin, SnL, Freddy, and Shocker,<P>I'm still here. We went to pick up my newly painted van, and then to dinner. I just have to learn not to give so much effort - what makes me mad about the whole thing is that it was never that way before the EA.<P>It was an EA, she was out of state, and now we live on separate coasts. He saw her parents last month, but said it would have been a different situation had she been along on the trip. OW is definately out of the house - the only way she comes back is my constant bringing up - which I quit bringing OW up, because she is pretty much out of my system.<P>My H knows if he pulls anything like the EA (cheating) again, I'm out. I'm just so hurt, I can't believe how the hurting keeps going on and on and on. And some situations are far worse than mine. But it is still traumatic going through this stuff.<P>All I want is to be loved like I use to, and have him love me like he use to - he admits it wasn't overnight, so it won't be fixed overnight.<P>I need to get off. Thanks for your thoughts. aftershock

I still say you have HUGE issues with your H being on the computer all the time. So, password the darn things and tell him he can get online only after he does family stuff first. Oh if he is like I think he is it will piss him off greatly. But what the heck? <P> He either wants to work on getting better in the marriage or he doesn't. If you are thinking of leaving anyways, take away his toy as if he were a child. I know that may seem childish but darn-it, what have you got to lose? <P> It is a simple process if you have a pc computer rather than a mac. I don't know macs. But I can help you out if you want. Email me at: jdmac1@yahoo.com

jdmac1 - <BR>H actually knows the addiction - he is working on reducing the e-mail (spam) that has been coming in. I like to use it for e-mailing parents, etc. We have a password on it so the kids can't get on - I had a babysitter who was using the computer & not watching the kids - home security. I don't think I can rock the boat that much - <P>The real problem is how to get us two back together as a H & W? I love him and need him to make love to me - he loves me (cares deeply about me) but will not SF. Actually we did it once in April - but it was bad (we can't even count that as anything believe me it was horrible - there was ONE time within 3 weeks later that he was looking forward to it but I LBed, because I couldn't be patient. In fact, everytime I try and set it up - yes, I LB about it. We were trying to go away for a weekend, but we haven't been able to set that up. First, we have to get some $$ for additional days not covered by some hotel points we have. We've had extensive automobile repairs lately, that have been sucking us dry. I am really trying to be patient with this. I know I have, and he knows I am frustrated, and he's frustrated because he can't give me what I want. But it tears him up about me leaving.<P>In all of this, though, things are getting better, they are very small microbetters, but it does get better. Yes, sometimes I would like to just leave, let him handle the house, see how things run, and take some space apart, but it tears me up to think about being away from everything I love. <P>About the computer . . . . . why can I be so selfish? He doesn't go to bars to drink with buddies, he doesn't hang around any buddies being gone to sports games. I am not a sports widow. It is his only recreation. And he's home. He knows how I feel about this particular item - and yet - I've been spending hours on MB - that could be better spent around the house - it is addictive. And we both know it. He tried calling yesterday, and left me an e-mail to contact me - because I was on MB.<P>He always takes care of repair items on the cars - if he can do the work, lately tho we've had radiator and transmission.<P>It is actually time to take another look at me, and I've already adjusted alot, but there are more things I could work on. <P>I asked him last night - how much in checking - I know $120 would sure help out in another area - but I am seriously considering contacting Steve. But I need him to make up his mind that he wants to come back.<P>Straight from the heart, I love him. And he really appreciates that I haven't been throwing in his face her. Because he really wants to move on - he gave me a wonderful article on moving on from the computer he received at work - we need to move forward.

Hi AS,<BR>I agree with jdmac1. What about a Plan B before you totally give up?? <P>Why stay when one doesn't want to love? Because perhaps we hope to change their minds? Because we refuse to listen and HEAR what they are telling us about their thoughts?<P>If YOU cannot see any hope in your situation, then there IS no hope. Could that really be true?<P>If you have hope, then God has something to work with--and this is in any situation where we have to use our faith. We need faith for everything, but faith is the substance of things hoped for! (Hebrews 11) No situation is hopeless when faith is involved. Now, when it comes to another person's will--God can't even make someone do something they don't want to do...<P>If God could make people do the right thing, there would be no sinners! Right?<P>It doesn't really seem to me that you want to actually throw in the towel or you would be gone by now. Do you think your husband is masturbating to porn? All these months and years with no sex? Do you think it's possible for a man whom you know to be sexually viable to make this drastic change? I doubt it.<P>But you know, your Plan A must be slammin' because didn't someone quote Steve Harley as saying that if you feel like a doormat, you are working a terrific Plan A? Consider yourself hugged and don't give up on your true love. I think you still have 150% in you. Go for all God's best! Why not? You have put this much effort into it, might as well go all the way and see what God is going to do! <P>

BIN,<BR>Good to hear from you. I'm still here (of course, spending tooooooo much time on MB). I know the other stuff I need to do, but I'm so addicted. I've gone through the set back of returning from the trip - nothing will change my homecoming. I know I've got to come from even different viewpoint. He's still here and I'm still here. Lucky for me I have to deal little with the stuff mentioned. He has no interest.<P>In the back of my mind, call Steve. Like I've said - there are micropositives. Little changes. We did the Marital Recovery Agreement in July. We both are not living up to it - I'm not saying because either doesn't want to - just happens. I do give 150%. Need to give less. I've changed alot, he has changed some things. I'll start working on my expectation thing. I just don't understand how we all get to these places. Like H said the other night, it was enough to make us realize. No I really don't want to leave, I'm just frustrated with this. Just need some more time to go by. Kids to school, I've got a ton of work. I don't have time for this - I really don't.<P>I started reading Power of a Praying Wife, and The 5 Love Languages. I was so upset with him the other night, I really felt like the book said, I did not feel like praying for him. But I've made it through another chapter. He read SAA, but is barely into HNHN, he picks up other stuff. He has a stressful job, he needs the non-stress of me pushing books on him to read. I am not mentioning reading HNHN. He knows I wish for him to read it. He has been dealing with pulling a muscle in his hip, and he's been in alot of pain.<P>Okay, Plan A, Plan A. He does not want me to move out, he does not want to move out, he does not want separate bedrooms. I tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me. We are not even close to Plan B. I am forgetting about EA. I told him the other night, if he ever cheats on me again I am history. I won't go through the pain again. <P>He made an internet buy the other night, didn't even consider that I needed something. So last night he called to add my item to the order, it had already been shipped, so new order. Shipping $1.99 on mine - he could have saved that had he asked me, because I'd been to three office supply places looking for my item. I did notice, that he is having the stuff sent here - instead of the office. He knows how it upsets me that he orders stuff from his office. My viewpoint is he spends the time at the office, and that is time that is not spent at home - remember the Third Principle - Rule of Time. Last year, probably for the past 3 years, this order has gone to his office. Small step. One of my triggers is postage at the office. We'll see how much he changes to home - little things show his sincerity.<P>That's my beef - still hurting - again - everyday. Didn't expect the homecoming stuff this time. He had my van painted, put new brakes to stop squeeking. He did things while I was away for me - but the extending himself to show me his care is lacking. I need the right kind of affection from him. Guess the uncaring just all came out because of the situation we live under now. It just use to be alot different. Okay, Plan A, and work at 150%. aftershock

BIN,<BR>Good to hear from you. I'm still here (of course, spending tooooooo much time on MB). I know the other stuff I need to do, but I'm so addicted. I've gone through the set back of returning from the trip - nothing will change my homecoming. I know I've got to come from even different viewpoint. He's still here and I'm still here. Lucky for me I have to deal little with the stuff mentioned. He has no interest.<P>In the back of my mind, call Steve. Like I've said - there are micropositives. Little changes. We did the Marital Recovery Agreement in July. We both are not living up to it - I'm not saying because either doesn't want to - just happens. I do give 150%. Need to give less. I've changed alot, he has changed some things. I'll start working on my expectation thing. I just don't understand how we all get to these places. Like H said the other night, it was enough to make us realize. No I really don't want to leave, I'm just frustrated with this. Just need some more time to go by. Kids to school, I've got a ton of work. I don't have time for this - I really don't.<P>I started reading Power of a Praying Wife, and The 5 Love Languages. I was so upset with him the other night, I really felt like the book said, I did not feel like praying for him. But I've made it through another chapter. He read SAA, but is barely into HNHN, he picks up other stuff. He has a stressful job, he needs the non-stress of me pushing books on him to read. I am not mentioning reading HNHN. He knows I wish for him to read it. He has been dealing with pulling a muscle in his hip, and he's been in alot of pain.<P>Okay, Plan A, Plan A. He does not want me to move out, he does not want to move out, he does not want separate bedrooms. I tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me. We are not even close to Plan B. I am forgetting about EA. I told him the other night, if he ever cheats on me again I am history. I won't go through the pain again. <P>He made an internet buy the other night, didn't even consider that I needed something. So last night he called to add my item to the order, it had already been shipped, so new order. Shipping $1.99 on mine - he could have saved that had he asked me, because I'd been to three office supply places looking for my item. I did notice, that he is having the stuff sent here - instead of the office. He knows how it upsets me that he orders stuff from his office. My viewpoint is he spends the time at the office, and that is time that is not spent at home - remember the Third Principle - Rule of Time. Last year, probably for the past 3 years, this order has gone to his office. Small step. One of my triggers is postage at the office. We'll see how much he changes to home - little things show his sincerity.<P>That's my beef - still hurting - again - everyday. Didn't expect the homecoming stuff this time. He had my van painted, put new brakes to stop squeeking. He did things while I was away for me - but the extending himself to show me his care is lacking. I need the right kind of affection from him. Guess the uncaring just all came out because of the situation we live under now. It just use to be alot different. Okay, Plan A, and work at 150%. aftershock