I've been at work all day and I can't concentrate. I want to just go to her work and tear the place up! How can people go on with something eating at them so bad. If I don't find some proof of the truth whichever way it goes I think I'm going to lose it!<P>Here's whats eating me . My emotions are on a roller coaster. I posted last week that i think my wife is having an A with a coworker and I got some good advice. I decided then to do two thing: try to begin using plan A to improve our Marriage and on the flip side I purchased a phone recorder to try and confrim my suspicions (thanks to another poster for a great and a horrible idea.)<P>Before this last weekend I installed the recorder. My wifes B-day was coming up on aug 16 so I installed it on the 15th.<BR>I wanted to see who would call to wish here happy b-day since she wasn't going to work for a few days. Unfortunatly it doesn't work on her cellular so anything on that is not recorded!<P>Well a few days before her b-day she came home with a new pearl ring. I asked her where she got it and she said she wanted to get herself something nice for her b-day so she went shopping. I thought it was a nice ring and I didn't think anything of it. <P>On her b-day we went on a trip for a few days and it went great! We got along better than we had for a while and I felt very good about it. I really kissed her butt! We came home sunday feeling pretty good.<P>Well, that night after she went to bed I checked the tape recorder to see who had called her and what was said (wondering if this was smart).<P>Not much was recorded because she uses her cellular alot but I did get her talking to her mother.<P>The conversation was pretty boring until my wife started to tell my MIL about what she got for her bithday. she listed everything out that she got from me then my mil said "sounds like you got some nice things" then my wife says "Oh, and I got a new ring! my wife then chuckles - her mom then says "I bet it's nice" then she chuckles too. Then my wife says "he called me before{my name}got up this morning" her mom then sys "oh" my wife then says "to wish me a happy birthday" my mil says "oh" again then my wife says "so happy birthday to me!" then my mil starts talking but about a whole different subject - why?<P>Does that sound bad or is it just me? She hadn't talked about anyone they could have refered to later in the conversation so who is the "he" shes referring to?<P>I asked her about it in more detail trying not to tip her to me recording the phone. I asked her who called before I woke up on her birthday. She said nobody. i then said "well I woke up and rolled over that morning and i could have sworn I heard the phone ring. She still said nobody called.<P>Now that morning I was awake when her mom called - I had just got up and it was 7:30 am so I know what time she called. She said "he called me this morning" to her mom but she tells me nobody called that morning? Bull!<P>Then when I ask her for a receipt from the ring and she said she can't find it. I said well let me have it and I'll go to the store where you bought it and ask them if it was sold there to quell my suspicions. She becomes agitated and says "this is bullsh__" and I said,"well you know how Ive been feeling lately and it bothers me" She says "I can't believe your making a big deal about this!". Then she is just mad and we pretty much go on fighting from there.<P>I don't know how much more of this I can take! she thinks I'm dumb? I know something is going on but she denies it. <P>I know that it was recorded before we left for our trip, but once I heard it I felt like the whole weekend went right out the window.<P>Now What? I just keep feeling I have to figure out what is going on now or else I'm losing it!<P>What do I do <P>Thanks<BR>tlamallory<BR>

Hi TlaMallory,<P>I am so mad at your wife right now. I can't believe she is telling her mother about OM, and your MIL is not on her butt about having an A. Just unbelievable! Grrrrr!<P>Pheeeew! Okay .... with that said. I understand your need to find solid evidence of an A. I've been there. So I'm not going to tell you to stop using the voice activated phone recorder. However, I am going to tell you to really brace yourself for what you may hear, Hon. I listened in too, and I went straight into major panic and depression when I heard the evidence. It's extremely shocking to hear your spouse talk a certain way with someone other than you. <P>Do you think you can contain and hide your feelings after hearing such things? I did, but I had a very dear friend who helped and supported me. Without her, I can't say where I'd be now.<P>I'm worried for you. I just want to make sure that you're ready to hear the worse. Have someone who you trust and loves you available to support you. You'll need them.<P>Take care and stay strong.<P>Best,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 21, 2001).]

Hi tlamalory,<P> I have to say I agree with 'Resilient'. What you are liable to eventually hear could cause you do do something you wouldn't normally do. <P> Yes, have someone near you at all times when listening to the recording. I would suggest one thing further. Never listen while she is anywwhere around or expected back soon. This could give you time to cool down some. Time to compose yourself.<P> From this past revelation I would say that things are not gonna go good for you. Prepare yourself for the worst. If that doesn't happen then any thing else will be easier to take.<P> Good luck and please keep MB posted on this.<P> jdmac1

thank you all!<P>I'm scared to death about what I might hear on those tapes I only can pray I'm wrong. I even heard it suggested to let a friend or someone close listen for you, but that seems to be asking alot from them and myself. <P>I just hope I can control myself if I do hear something Im not prepared for. I kind of know what to expect but you usually dont get that!<P>I may be back for some major support after more recordings.<BR>Thanks <P>tlamallory<BR>

Hey T:<P>I only hope & pray for you that there is 0 on the tape, however your suspisions are probably right.<P>I agree that the "news" will be devastating...no matter how suspisious you are now it WILL crush you.. Like suggested be ready with support from others...<P>An accusatory approach with your W will really get you no where. Have you tried other ways of "talking" about the possibility of an A ???<P><BR>Good Luck..we all can relate.<BR>

I know what you're going through because mine was this way for many months. And it makes a gut wrenching experience 10 times worse. You know something is wrong and they won't talk. You find proof and and present it and they will lie, deny or simply avoid. Also they are offended that you should question them. The bad thing is that each time you do it, it is a major LB. If you're like me you don't want to do it, because it isn't my nature to be that way and your "proof" only gives you pain. Unfortunately, the truth must be known. I finally got to that stage. Now I feel the proof gathering should end, because it serves no purpose. Hopefully you will get beyond that stage quickly. Good Luck!

Hi tlamallory. I know exactly how you feel and I understand the rage that is building inside of you from not knowing the truth. I am there now and it has been five mos. the only difference between us is my H moved out and your wife is still there. If you keep pushing she will be leave. Please just try and relax a bit. I know it's easier said than done. Keep up the plan A. Best of luck to you.<BR>cybil

Thanks for more suggestions. Im gonna do my best to keep my cool for now and just lay low for a while. I suspect she'll really watch what shes doing now anyway so I doubt I'll have to deal with much more for a while. <P>I figure If something happened sooner or later I'll find out somehow - maybe the phone recorder? Until then I'll just try to act normal (except I am trying to do plan A some) and try to avoid lb'ing big time.<P>Thanks All!<BR>tlamallory

The best thing I did was put my recorder back in the box and bury it . It will crush you . Been there done that Im still recovering.