HELP everyone !!!<P>My WH and I are both trying hard in Plan A after revealing EA on July 25 and confirming it was actually a PA Aug 6th. On that day he was ready to leave home and went to tell OW when she broke it off with him, saying that she couldn't "have it on her shoulders that she had broken his home and taken him away from his 7 yr old daughter".<P>My WH made 2 contacts with her, per phone, that week - both he told me about and were to tell her that he did appreciate contact that her husband had with me and the other time, that her family was telling many people of the A, including some of my co-workers (which she denied). <P>However, I know that she continued to contact him. He told me that his having no contact with her was not due to lack of opportunity - that is her calling him. He says that he tells her he is busy and that there were no other phone calls since her husband called to say he found his number on their caller ID after my H last call to her. <P>Well, H & I had small discussion last night when I told him that I still fear that he will fall right back to her if he has contact with her and though he answered that he "doesn't think so". I think we all know that is a likely outcome. Since this past Sat night I have been checking his cell phone and have found one missed call from her cell phone each day - since they are missed messages I do believe that he is honest that he hasn't had any contact with her and I must admit that I have erased her number from his call log each day so that he doesn't know that she has been calling him. (And she hasn't called our home ID and he has been at work this week). <P>My question is, now that I know that she is continuing to try to contact him and he is making an effort for our family and our marriage, what is everyone's thoughts on my calling her and asking her to stop calling????<P>Please let me know soon, my fingers are leaning toward the phone !!!!!

I would have the number changed. By calling her it could become an LB. You want to be careful not to LB or it could drive him back to her.<P>Remember LB's are determined by the person who receives them<BR>not the person who gives them. Think of how your H will react if you make contact with her.<P>Perhaps you should call your H to discuss having the # changed.<P>I've been there and done that.

Thanks for the quick reply M&J!!! I have put my dialing finger on hold for now. I had decided after my post (which is always a good way to vent) that I would give myself until the end of the day to decide. My biggest concern too is the LB that could back-fire from this. Though I don't want her to continue to contact my H, I really should have faith in his statement that he is working on our relationship and that he will have the strength to tell her not to call if he does answer one of her calls. <P>I have thought before about changing the cell number, but in his line of work my H has given this number out to many of his contacts and printed on business cards - so I'm not sure how much resistance I will get from him about changing the number...but I really do think I will give that a chance. If he is truly sincere on working on our relationship he shouldn't be too resistant to changing the number...<P>I agree with you that changing the number is my best option at this point and this early in the withdrawal period I don't think my H would take to many LBs - this is probably the best choice. <P>Thanks again for the quick response and ideas....any others out there????<BR>Heartbreak25130

An additional thought is that, if your H is truely committed to working on the marriage. Her continuing to try to contact him would be a LB on her part!!!!

When I called the OW, it had no effect. She lied to me--she doesn't date married men, ya know--this a year into their PA. I guess it wasn't dating.<P>The OW has no loyalty to you. You mean nothing to her. Despite her "high" road words during the break-up, she didn't stick to no contact, did she?<P>Either you and your husband do this call together, or he handles it alone--preferably for you with either the no contact letter and then NO CONTACT and cutting her off if she does call!<P>Oh, and even though I had told my H I was going to call the OW, he was horrified when I did. Our 5th separation followed shortly. Probably not because of the call, but more the kind of attitude I had which showed up in my making the call.<P>I'm not actually sorry I made the call, because it lowered my opinion of her immeasureably (she's a smarmy, self-delusional liar), but it didn't help my marriage.

Great point M&J !! I had never considered that, but that is sure a thought that I should consider....Thanks again for your response !!!<P>I am honestly feeling better about this and I don't think that I am going to call OW, but I do think, when the opportunity is right between H & I is right (so to avoid any LBs) I will approach him with changing his cell number. Until then I will hope that he is really being honest with me, there is no contact with the OW on his part and he will refuse contact that she makes with him....<P>Thanks again for the responses !!

Thanks LOR for the response...those are points that I am appreciative of. One of my concerns is that the OW would say that my H was calling her and how would I respond to that....would I continue to believe him, that he isn't and OW is lying out of spite or would this destroy my belief in him. It would most certainly be a LB for me and would I or want to continue to save the marriage? or should I if he has been lying. <P>I have been thinking of checking his cell bill to see if he has called her during the time that he has said he isn't. But I also think maybe I should just let this go and continue to build on our relationship and hope for the best. <P>I hate this turmoil !!! Life shouldn't be this hard, I feel that I have lived a lifetime in the two weeks that this has all come out. But I also feel that I will be a better person for it in the end...I just wish, as I'm sure everyone else here does, that it would just end.<P>Thanks again for the response. I am not saying that I won't ever call, but not today and not until I try getting H to agree to change the cell number.

If feel compelled to move this thread up again....I was so sure what to do after the previous responses I received...but my mind is continuing to toggle back and forth...what do others think????<P>I am torn between standing up for myself, to this OW and saying you made the choice to end this A with my H and he made the choice to commit to our family and our marriage (the exact reasons you told him you were breaking it off) and therefore you should commit to breaking the contact. <P>Then on the other hand I am scared that confronting her will lead to LB with my H and I truly feel her knee-jerk reaction will be to call him upon hanging up the phone with me and telling him that I called & what was said. And being in an honesty situation of Plan A with him I don't think I could or should lie to him about how I found out that she was continuing to make/attempt contact with him - i.e. my snooping !!! Which I think is a bigtime LB, but I couldn't help myself at the time...<P>Please provide advice...I really don't think I am close to calling the OW today or tonight...I will await additional ideas from fellow MB'ers...<BR>Heartbreak25130

I wanted so much to call OW. After my H sent the no contact letter for the second time (the first was sent certified return/receipt), I called OW and left her a voicemail (a very kind, nice voicemail) asking her to please confirm what my H had told her about the letter coming and what it said. I asked her to please call my voicemail at work. WELL, OW called my H and reamed him a new a**hole about my call. Basically, my H called me and got very angry, which set us back. Then, the BITC* sent his "no contact" letter back to me, unopened and cut up on the bottom. Wasn't that nice of her! Believe me, when they are in love with your spouse, they have nothing but CONTEMPT for you! You are in their way. Please don't call, you will never get the satisfaction or the result you deserve.

I feel very strongly about this and have had very few people agree with me. I have posted this a couple time: <P>There is a place of healing and closure that comes from it. While I think face to face is a VERY bad idea. I felt like I had to communicate something to that person. They can't just rip my life apart and have no consequence. I think a letter or email is a good idea. The key about the letter is that it is nonconfrontational. Some counselors recommend a letter and not mailing but I think whats the point to that. 1) Express what is driving your anger without expressing your anger. In other words express your pain and sadness. If you express your anger she will think "well she's crazy, no wonder he left her" if you express your pain and sadness she may feel some remorse and then again she may not which brings me to 2) no expectations. You put what you want to put and expect nothing in return from her. No apology, no acknowledgement, nothing in return. 3) let others read your letter before you send it, pastor, friend, or your online buddy's. 4) take lots of time, allow some of the anger to subside and the source of the pain to surface so it comes across as sincere. By the way I recommend reading all books by Henry Claude and John Townsend. There is a book they wrote called Boundaries which I think helped me realize if I don't get some things out of me they will brew and explode. at the same time I am only responsible for myself, I have a responsibility to express myself but I also need to allow others to be themselves and I can't force a reaction or expect one. You can read more about the authors (they are Christians) and their thoughts at <A HREF="http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm</A> <BR>I sent an email to the OW. She never responded. I also spoke on phone and face to face with OOW (not a typo - other other women - more than one). the face to face denied it. She was ugly - by the way. the phone conversation - she said it was none of her business and to talk to my husband. Here is the email I sent to the OW. He sent her an email breaking it off with her again and I chose not to take him back anyway. <BR>OW,<BR>(husband name) sent you an email that said he has hurt some<BR>people by continuing an inappropriate relationship<BR>with you. (husband name) is a grown man and he is responsible for his own actions but you did play a part in it. My God says to love you and bless you and pray for you. Although I am mad at you I will pray you will never<BR>have to go through the pain and heartbreak that my<BR>family is experiencing now. I did feel like I had a<BR>responsibility to share my heart because me and my<BR>kids are real people with real feelings and real hurt.<BR>(wife name)<P>I think we have a responsiblity to communicate something to them. Here is a part of an article from The Simple Scoop on Boundaries By Henry Cloud, Ph.D.<BR>God has given us a duty, to limit the effect<BR>that evil choices that people make can have on life.<BR>One of the best examples of that is in Matthew<BR>18:15-18. It is the role of us to take a stand and<BR>“bind” evil as it presents itself. Read Psalms 101 for<BR>a great description of how David thought about the<BR>things that must be bound so that the evil of others<BR>would not “cling” to him.<P>In addition, He wants us to limit the effect that the<BR>evil is having on their life as well. He wants us to<BR>restore those who get “caught up,” by evil. We are to<BR>put boundaries on the cancer that is destroying them<BR>and be redemptive in their lives. (Gal. 6:1)<P>God is about Life. He is about restoring good things.<BR>And to do that, evil things must be held in check and<BR>transformed. He has given us many tools to perform<BR>this function of the salt that seasons the earth:<BR>Truth and Commands <BR>Confrontation <BR>Rebuke <BR>Exhortation <BR>Forgiveness <BR>Group Intervention <BR>Consequences <BR>Discipline <BR>Restoration <BR>Limit Setting <BR>Separation <A HREF="http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm</A> <P>2 more thoughts 1) take a long time writing it because this should be the ONLY time you communicate - have your say, say your peice then leave it alone. One contact should be all that is necessary. it should not be an ongoing thing. Try and make it short - she is obviously insensitve so you want to make sure it is short simple and to the point so he doesn't get bored and stop reading. 2) By the way I got no response from my email so it was good that I prepared myself for that. <BR> <BR>

[Heartbreak - you and I are pretty new at this. This is only my second post. D-day for me was January 26th this year. My H and I had been making progress, however there were still times I felt distance from him. Unfortunately I discovered continued contact, by accident, which he denied. I was immediately thrown back into snooping mode and my suspicions were confirmed when I found H's second cell phone with her number on it. That was just over two weeks ago. He still says he wants to rebuild our marriage but is open with his concerns that he may not be the right man for me. After 19 years together and two children under 10, this is very difficult. We composed a voice mail message to end contact that he left on her cell in my presense. She was notified that she would also be receiving a letter from him, delivered by me. I just had that face-to-face meeting last weekend. I have wanted to do that so many times and resisted. I am so glad that I had to opportunity to calmly and coldly deliver some of my thoughts directly to her. She read the no contact letter, and of course promised no further contact. My H and I are really torn about separating - he has actually rented a room for Sept 1, but is now seeming to be less certain that that is a good move for our family. I am trying to be as supportive as I can, my version of Plan A, but it is soooo hard. I have drifted off your topic, I am sorry, but I just wanted to say that I think there is a time and a place for contact with the OW. I found it tremendously empowering and was quite proud of myself for the way I handled it. Take your time with this decision and think very carefully about what you hope to accomplish. Your safety and well being is most important. I agree with previous comments re there should be only one contact, if any, so make it good. My thoughts are with you.