I am new this forum and type of help, don’t know the jargon and a little nervous so please bear with me for this one.<BR>I discovered through an anonymous letter I received in May of this year that my wife of 13 years has been having an affair for over 2 years now. I was completely numb and felt paralyzed but immediately realized it was true. I have suspected for the two years and even confronted her a few times but thought I was just being paranoid. Aside from this we are very respectful people with good families, professional careers and a beautiful home. Needless to say I was and am completely divested. We do not live a type of lifestyle that would lead to cheating and I truly have a hard time believing it now. Anyway, I am a Christian and have been since before we were married. After a few days of total desperation I found through a long night of tearful prayer the heart of Jesus and realized I must forgive as the Lord forgives us. In the morning over prayer (we slept in separate rooms but stayed in the house) I forgave her and we cried. Now me being the type of person I am thought all was over…. Well I can see from the experience you guys know better. I started to read everything I could and came across the book “surviving an affair”. I immetialy got the book and read it in a few days. My wife however seems to just want to put the whole thing behind her and for us to move on. I have been up and down hot and cold now for the past 3 months and think I am now stuck in anger. The long and short of it is that I know if she does not actively work with me to fix our marriage it will be over. Neither of us seems motivated to leave the comfortable life we have built. We have an 11-year-old son and we both totally love him. This is where my real question comes in. If we do allow the marriage to be destroyed and divorce, what do I tell him? I am a Christian, and so is he, and feel I am an honorable man. I would never leave my wife or child for any other reason. But if the pain is too much and she is going to just pretend nothing happen, do I tell him about it? I will not stand by and let that man be any part of my child’s life. If you have advice I would greatly appreciate it. I hope this can help me because not much else seems to be. <BR>

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You might not find the answers to all your problems here, but we'll be there with you through it all and help you make the right decisions.<P>First, a few questions. Does your wife continue to have her affair? Or has it completely ended, with no contact at all between her and the other man (OM)? If she has ended all contact, then biblically you don't have grounds for divorce. Some might believe otherwise. But even if she still carries on the infidelity, then divorce still doesn't need to be the answer. <P>We all know how hard it can be, to have to sacrifice your own needs, and try to be everything to our spouses, while they seemingly get away with everything. But if you focus on that aspect, then you'll be miserable and you'll never make it. Focus, instead, on what you have power over - yourself. Try and find out what it is that drove her to lose interest in you, or whatever the reason might be that caused this affair. Most people who are involved in affairs don't go looking for them, but they also don't just "happen". <P>Most important, don't allow yourself any Love Busters (LB). You can look up what those are on this site or in your SAA book. This means, don't go crying and complaining to her about how miserable you are. Try not to bring up the affair as much as you can. Try and live a happy married life, but don't let it get so far, that as you say, she pretends as if nothing is wrong. There are problems, and once she has separated herself from the OM, she will be willing to work on those problems. But if she hasn't separated yet, and you try and prod her to discuss your issues, then you may push her even tighter into the other man's arms.<P>Read on, and talk to us. We're here to help =) And know that we've been there.

thank you for your reply. she assures me she is not having any contact with him. her family is in the loop and so is our church. i don't know weather to believe her or not. i want to but i also wanted to a year ago. about these love busters, i see the point in the book and agree with it, however am i not entitled to a little something? if she continues to just muttle through then i go into my shell and bad things (lb) happen. any advise on son. thanks. this may be a great tool. love,peace,joy<P> <p>[This message has been edited by need2know (edited August 22, 2001).]

N2K,<BR>I wouldn't tell your son anymore than you and your W are having problems. I'm sure at 12 he realizes something is up. I don't think that he needs to know of the A, this would only make him angry at your W for causing the problem, and this in turn probably would make your W angry at you for turning your son against her. Tell your son the problem is both your W and yours, caused by you both. You are equally responsible for the condition of your marriage, but this doesn't excuse he for her actions. I am the BS and I do except responsibility for neglecting my wife prior to her A.<P>I would continue to try to work on the marriage. You sound like that is what you want. I would get counseling. I would ask your wife what she wants, does she want the marriage? does she want to try to work through this? Tell her you need her to help you, you can't do it alone. Tell her by ignoring the problem, it wont just go away, you need to talk about it. My wife didn't want to talk about her A, these questions made her realize that she was going to have to participate in order to get through this, and now we are getting through this together.<BR>I hope it works out for you, I truely believe that with kids involved you really should try to work it out.<P>Good luck. E

Hi N2K,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders. Here is the general welcome package we like to share with new ones. In it you will find the tools available to all who come to learn. There are the basic concepts, questionnaires, books (such as suriving an affair, his needs/her needs, givers/takers, etc.), then there are other publications such as Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson and the phone counseling sessions as provided by Jennifer and Steve Harley.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>You will benefit and it will help you see your anger and know where it needs to go. After you read this there is a personal favorite of mine called the 5 stages of grieving. <P>You are right about both parties work on the restoration of this marriage. If it were not for both, this marriage would have never taken place. So to fix it both must be involved. <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 22, 2001).]

>need2know<BR>>about these love busters, i see the point in the book and >agree with it, however am i not entitled to a little >something? if she continues to just muttle through then i go >into my shell and bad things (lb) happen.<P><BR> Oh yes you are entitled to a lot...but let me tell you how it will go. 'Not' getting answers that you need will rip at your very soul. You will push and push for the answers that you rightly need. You deserve the answers to all your questions. You may even feel strongly enough about it that you would be willing to leave her if she doesn't supply them.<P> Eventually if she will not give you what you seek you will get to the point where you have 2 choices. 1)You will have had enough and decide to end it. Or at least seperate...or 2)You will make the decision that I made. That it just is not important. At least not as important as you once thought. <P> Think about it...you "know" what she has done. If you can forgive 'that' then why get twisted out of shape over the rest. The only thing you "must" know is that she is willing to recommit and stay commited to the marriage. If you get that commitment you are way ahead of a lot of us here at MB.<P> You seem to have a strong faith in The Lord. That is good, you will need it. And, if the A(affair)is over and she chose you then you have 'NO' Biblical standing for divorce or even seperation IMHO. <P> If you have been here for any length of time you should know what the Plans(A/B) are all about. They are about changing who you were prior to the A. I had a really hard time(and honestly still do at times)getting that point.<P> Post as often as you can. I promise it does help. And you have the benefit of nobody knowing anything about who you are, so you will find you can ask and get help that you might not from friends or family. Kind of lets you be who you really are. <P> Interesting that you got an anonymous letter, that is sort of the same way I found out. <P> I wish you all the best.<P> jd<P><p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 22, 2001).]

Dear need2know,<P>Doesn't it seem like the WS does the crime but we do the time? I know how you feel about the bitterness and anger. It took me several months to get over my rage and there were times I thought I would never get over it, times when I didn't WANT to get over it. Of course he "got over it" right away, but he wasn't the agrieved party. But it takes what it takes and I don't think I would have ever TRIED if my husband hadn't been willing to do anything to make it better. And that meant going to counseling, meeting my needs, and listening to me rage from time to time. It has now been 10 months and I am just getting to a place where I trust him and feel some real peace. For the past couple of months I have even felt love and passion for him again - feelings I worried that I might never feel again after what he did. <P>My point in all this is that I think you should give this more time and get into counseling immediately. The pain is too fresh for you to be making such a dramatic decision [ie, seperation, divorce]. You might be recovered from this pain in a year but you won't recover from a divorce and your son certainly won't. Divorce is permament - your pain is not. I would definately wait a while until your judgment is less impaired from the shock. <P>But I would also explain to her that this is not going to work unless she is fully committed to repairing HER damage. She cannot go along her merry way as if nothing happened, as if she hasn't left destruction in her wake.<P>I don't know what I think about you telling your son - hopefully you won't seperate and divorce so that won't be an issue. However, I cannot stop thinking about how devastating that would be for an 11 year old to hear that his mother has done this. <P>The last point I wanted to make is what the Bible says about divorce:<P>Matthew 19:9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."<P>

thank you all for your advise. i will read more and learn about the concepts here. my current problem is i am really angry and since she is the weak silent type, if i am not talking and working there is a silent treatment preceived in the home. we are starting counseling we have had our first session together and have one next week. the real thing is i am not sure what i want her to do but i do know doing nothing is not working. i have printed the questionnaires and read the book. she has still not fininshed the book ("it makes me think of the past and i want to look to the future")---- makes me sick.... anyway, thanks for the advise and i continue to seek advise and prayers..... God bless.... joy,blessings,mercy

You seem to have a strong faith in The Lord. That is good, you will need it. And, if the A(affair)is over and she chose you then you have 'NO' Biblical standing for divorce or even seperation IMHO. <P>********************************************************<P>i understand this comment is IMHO, but would you please explaine your reason. i do appriaciate your response.... love,joy,faith

Need 2 Know<P>My STBX and I told our children immediately- not alot of details- but that their father has had "inappropriate relationships" with other women and that is not was is commanded by God, and it is a biblical basis for divorce.<P>Since our revelation to them- By the way- they are 11- going on 12 SOON, 9 and 3)- they have made a few great points themselves and actually given US food for thought!!<P>My STBX takes full responsibility to them that this is his fault- they get mad at me somedays because he is trying really hard to love me, but this is the one thing I told him not to do or it would be over (so it is over)- and they, of course, would like to see me give him another chance.<P>I would encourage you to tell your son!!! Kids are smart- he knows something is up anyway! Telling him will GREATLY OPEN communications between you- especially if you are Christians!!<P>My kids now feel comfortable talking to me about all of it- I am careful with my words to them, and try not to reveal anger so that this doesn't damage their relationship with their father- I hope that our honesty with them will break this cycle that is very prevelant in both our families.<P>They ask me questions about divorce- relationships- and I have found that since our talking with them in honesty- they actually are bringing questions about sex and drugs and problems they have at school to either myself or my STBX without fear!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!! Being at the ages they are- this has opened a path to openness and communication with them that I'm hoping will last thru til they are adults!!<P>Your son knows something is up- share with him- share your struggles- share the REASONS- be real to him- have your W be real to him- so that as he grows in his faith it is REAL and not based on a facade (sp?)!!!<P>Make him part of the decisions, the prayers and the counseling- and even if it doesn't work- and you go your seperate ways- he will see that you both have loved him tremendously and have been willing to be human to him- and the older he gets- the more he will respect you for it.<P>Just my two cents<BR>TLFM

thanks. things are really bad. we are not talking because i am now in a mode of anger and if i don't talk and start all of the affection etc, it don't happen. i am starting to at least accept divorce is not out of the relm of possibilities. the advise about my 11 year-old-son i will need to get additional council on. i know my wife truly loves him and he her/us. i don't want to turn him on her. however, if she presues a releationship with OM and my son become aware---- that will have to be a different story. thanks..... i am going to need alot of prayer and support now. my church is great, but i am the kind of person who hides pain very well. the pastor, deacon and her family think all is well because of our wonderful apperance---- i can tell you, nothing could be furthur from the truth..... love,hope,trust<BR>

Hello N2K,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> You seem to have a strong faith in The Lord. That is good, you will need it. And, if the A(affair)is over and she chose you then you have 'NO' Biblical standing for divorce or even seperation IMHO.<P>********************************************************<P>i understand this comment is IMHO, but would you please explaine your reason. i do appriaciate your response.... love,joy,faith<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> This may be taken somewhat out of context, but I beleive it also fits with what we are going through.<P>jd<P> 1Cr 7:10 And unto the married I command, [yet] not I, but<BR>the Lord, Let not the wife depart from [her] husband: <BR> 1Cr 7:11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to [her] husband: and let not the husband put away [his] wife. <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 24, 2001).]

<BR>Bumping up for N2K.