Hi to everyone, If you are familar with my story you know my H is a cop. Yesterday he was asked to work a detail which means he has to direct traffic allday because they are working in roads. So he left the house at 4 oam but heres the kicker he didn't come home until 24 hrs. later!! I confronted him with this and he keep saying there were problems water main break Etc.. I don't believe him because I found a reciept in his wallet (yes I went snooping) for a restaurant,on the night of the detail work the time on the reciept was 11:20pm so what would you think??? he took his buddies??? I don't think so. So anyway to make along story short he says he is leaving Mid Sept. when he gets his big raise. I am so upset thinking he is still in cannot with her, he keeps denying it, Why can't he level with me??? Maybe its best he leave?? I don't know anymore??? I have been running around doing things trying to keep busy because that seems to numb the pain, once I stop the pain is unbearable, thank God for my family there support has been a Gods send. If anyone can give me some advice or encouragement I would be so greatful.. Thanks Sally

sally there are tons of posts here (just start reading) dealing with your issues. The bottom line advice is to focus on YOU, what can you do to make your marriage better...and realizing you have no way to make your H do anything. I am a ws so am not really the one to give much advice, but I can tell you we do lie constantly while the affair is in progress, so believe your instincts, snoop as much as you can (so you aren't totally in the dark), but do not generally confront the ws, does little good. Read all the harley material on the site too, it helps you understand, also read various self-help books about these issues. Remember affairs are about the ws not you, although you may have contributed to marital disharmony. You can and will be allright, no matter the outcome, believe in yourself, and do the right things, out of that will come your peace of mind. Good luck.

Hi Sally,<P>What SnL told you is very true. The Harley's say to work on yourself and also meet your WS's most important emotional needs, if they will allow you too. <P>DO NOT LB your spouse, Hon. LB = Love Bust.<P>If you haven't already, read the basic concepts and then go read about Plan A and Love Busting during an A. It will help you know what to do and how to treat your WS during this tremendously hard time.<P>I'm so sorry you're going thru this, you don't deserve it. There is no justifiable reason to have an A. NONE! But this is about your spouse, not you. <P>Sally, I know the pain you talk of, I experienced it myself for a very long time. It's the worse pain I have ever felt in my life. At one point I wanted to die before feeling anymore of the pain. BUT ... things DO get better. It's mostly up to you tho, you have to first make up your mind what you want. Do you want you marriage, Sally? If so, then you have your work cut out for you. There is hope. <P>Please read here and then post your questions, We will help you. Please be well.<P>Love and prayers,<BR>Jo

Thank you so much resilient, SnL I appreicate your advice and encouragement. Yes I do want my marriage to work, but sometimes that doesn't seem possible the way things are going. You are so right about the pain it is so unbearable and what makes it worse is that he was such a good husband and father I wish i knew what happened to him, I know its my fault also that this happened. For the past few years I was not supportive of him and didn't meet any of his EN. He says I hurt him very much with the way I treated him over the years, and he is holding anger and resentment towards me. If I can learn to forgive him and to trust him and let go of my anger for what he did to me then why can't he???? He refuses therapy. He doesn't even want to try to fix the marriage, We have been married 18 years and have 3 kids and a lot of history together how does he just forget that and move on?? well thanks again hope everything is good for you and SnL. Love sally

Sally,<P>It's up to your H whether or not he decides to forgive. You can not control what he does or says and don't try. Don't try to manipulate with begging or pleading or snooping or anything. Your job now is to make you a better you and try to meet his needs if he'll let you.<P>You have taken a very important first step by admitting the wrong on your side of the marriage. Like Harley says, you are responsible for 100% of 50% of your marriage and your H the other 50%. So start fixing that 50% you own. Take responsibility for it, forgive yourself and make you a better you.<P>It took you a very long time to get to this place where you two are no longer connected and moreover feeling as tho you are enemies. It's going to take a good chunk of time to fix it. And the only way to do it is by self examination. Change your reactions and actions and he will, hopefully, notice and change his.<P>But right now stop looking at your H with binoculars, worrying about what he's doing and start reading and learning here. We're blessed in that we have very wise people here, their advice and experience is invaluable. <P>God Bless,<BR>Jo<P><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 23, 2001).]