This is my first time on this bullentin board. I recently read "Survivng an Affair". My H has been having an affair for 16 months now and it is still going on. He keeps promising the OW that he will get a divorce. They would break up off and on because she sees no results. My H has even lied to her about seeing a lawyer and filing, but I know he has not filed. We have a 1 year old daughter and my H loves her immensely. He told me that he has hestiations about going through with the divorce but at the same time he cannot bear to leave the OW. He keeps asking us how he can keep us both in his life without going through a divorce. This is very painful to me because his emotional needs are being met by the OW and myself. Plus i am living a life where he is with the OW and then comes home to me every day. I hate that! After reading the book, I have just started to try plan A, but since this has been going on long enough, I don't know how much I can go on with Plan A, especially through all his lies and deceit. Should I keep with it or jump to plan B???? PLease help me !

Hi Spider,<P>First I would like to welcome you to marriage builders. You have al ready acquainted yourself with the book surviving an affair. This is a good start, here is a welcome package full of more info and tools available here. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>These A's hurt a lot. Your H has no idea )even after at it for 16 months, what can be ahead. At this point you have yourself and a little one counting on you. You need to not enable your H by doing everything for him. Let him carry his share with your child. Please acquaint yourself with the info here. Along with your book, there are others such as His needs/Her needs and Dr James Hobson's Love must be tough is good also. <P>There is separate writeups on plan a and plan b. If you need those, please let me know. These references were put together by another MB poster that has been a great help to many. <P>Take care, <BR>L. <P>

Spider,<BR> So sorry for your pain, you are not alone. Your husband keeps asking how he can keep you both in his life? I think this is a big clue, he has told you what he wants. Is this acceptable to you? You have made it appear so. <BR> Please keep posting, there are others here who have gone through the same and can give advice better than I.<BR> Are you seeing a counselor?<BR> Does he have any problems with addictions? <BR> Good Luck

Generally, the guideline is to lay a good foundation of Plan A behavior before going to Plan B. You want to leave them with positive feelings of you and your behavior. I don't recall...I think anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months is generally the rec. range, but given how long this has been going on, my advice would be to aim for the low end ogf the range.<P>Good luck.<P>Kathi

Help me... I was jut informed that the OW attempted suicide. My husband feels even more guilty and responsible for her. I am not sure myself what warranted her to do it, but she wan in the hospital for a few days and then when got out, she called my husband to tell him. I am not sure what to make of this. Is this her attempt to get what she wants?? She is required to go to counseling and she was told to saty away from my husband, but instead she is calling him for moral support. She has no family or friends to call to. What does this mean?? What shoud I do???

Hi Spider:<P>It's a little bit hard to make any kind of assumptions about what is going on with OW and your WH because you really do need to give us an update on what the results have been of your Plan A, etc. Did you impliment a Plan A...for how long?....have you gone to Plan B?<P>My general impression is that this whole thing is coming to a head...and OW's suicide attempt was either a cry for help or an attempt to force WH to realize that he was really going to lose her if he does not make a decision. But...regardless of the reason...something has seriously rocked the boat after 16 months. Please fill in some of the details of what has happened in the last month to change things. <P>I will say that being needy is generally a way that OW have of forcing WH to cling to the relationship (out of guilt...I don't know) long pass the time that they want to end it. What greater guilt could you inflict on WH then to try to end your life because of them? None. And basically I would say that if things were going well, OW would not need to do something like this to bind WH to her...would she?<P>Give us more details...maybe someone can help more.<P>Faye<P>

My advice would be to ask him to leave, but to plan A for a while since you are new to MB. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. That is not fair to you or your daughter.<BR>He needs to see there are consequences for his actions. I am in a similar situation with my W. She is having a least an EA and having needs met by both me and OM. I am at the point of asking for a formal separation. <P>One thing in your favor is that the guilt trip she is putting him on is a big LB and may eventually backfire on her. You need to show him that you are a strong woman and can go on without him. People like to feel needed, but not in a clingy, obsessive way like the OW. <P>As Orchid said, you can't enable him. He knows what needs you can fill, so stop filling them. It doesn't mean you can't, just that you won't under the current conditions. <BR>He'll miss having those needs filled, and from what you described, the OW is probably too concerned with getting her own needs filled to worry about his. Just my opinion.<P>sad dad

Dear Spider,<P>OW's can be very dramatic. If the OW was told to stay away from your H and she is not and he is taking her calls, then inform the authorities and hospital. Just because she claims not to have friends or family may be a smoke screen. Even if it were true, she needs to get help from someone else because your H's relationship with her drove her to attempt suicide........ Let your H know that his relationship with her is dangerous and he could be charged if the authorities find that they are both disobeying a directive. <P>If your H is truly worried about OW, he will put his calls to the hospital or ask you to call as a concerned party. H would stay as far away as possible. Hooking up with a suicidal stranger is bad. Have you seen the movie Fatal Attraction? I don't want to alarm you but these women are clever and nutso!!!! <P>For the safety of your H and your family, get as far away from this OW as you can. Talk to your counselor and follow their directive. Ask for suggestions from the local authorities. You can block her calls to your home, if she still calls restraining order or harrassement charges can be filed. Let H know you need to protect your family and needs him to do the same. H is not OW's keeper, the state can be her keeper 'if' she really doesn't have anyone. <P>L.

Thank you all for your responses. They really helped. I can shed a little more color to this situation. From what I see, the OW has been pushing my WH to file and move out of the house. About a month ago, my H told her that he moved out, but he really didn't. She had come by my house and she caught him there. She was very mad and told him that she was leaving. Well, she always says she will leave, but she or he always ends up together. I think he tries to make a bigger promise to her and/or she is willing to give H another chance. To tell you the truth, I really don't know what keeps them from coming back to each other. Personally I would be frustrated. Anyhow, it is this back and forth battle between the 2. I have been Plan Aing for almost 3 months. Right before the attempted suicide, she told my H that she was going to leave the state to find another job. My H angrily told her that she does whatever she wants. Hope this helps. I strongly feel that my H cannot be her emotional support, especially when he caused it in the first place. I tried to convince him. I read your replies and I will use them and he will hopefully wake up.

Just an update, boy I feel like this is a soap opera. Well, I just found out the OW is seeing a different counselor and he informed her that is my H fulfills her emotional needs and that the relationship will benefit her in the long run, then it should be ok. Also, WH needs to work out issues with his wife before he can work out issues with her. Now she wants my WH to move out. Also, his family has found out about the A and they are doing everything in their power to stop it. My WH will not speak to his family. What next???? Now this is a family war

Out of curiousity, I feel like at times when I am plan Aing, I feel like am being taken advantage of my good nature. If your H goes off to see the OW, is part of the plan to say ok and just bite your tongue???? Confused? Can anyone shed some light as to the difference between Plan A and being a doormat??