I just can't seem to get it right no matter how hard I try. I try to Plan A and I LB not all the time but I still continue to manage to do it. I try to move onto Plan B and then he comes around and I fall right back into this limbo stage and the head games. What do I do? I want him to come home he says he's not ready I can't be his buddy and just hang out with him. His personality changes from day to day he continues to say he loves me and cares abot me but he's not in love with me. Guess what I love him but I am not in love with him either.I think that is something you have to rebuild together. I'm so confused. My WH tells me that I do this to myself. Why the h*** would I want to put myself through this and torture myself like this. I just can't understand any of this and don't think I ever will. Tonight he said that's why I won't come home because you dont listen to me you just don't stop. I wish I could just end this pain without hurting anyone. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. Maybe if I was the one having the A this would all make sense. I'm so sad and lonely.<BR>cybil

Cybil,<BR>I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. ( But please dont be sad and lonely cause thats another poster here. )<P>Maybe what you need to do is forget about plan a and focus on you right now, forget about not LBing and do something nice for yourself. Go out and leave your house, next time he comes around dont hang all over him trying not to LB... tell him you have plans and go do something with a friend.<P>Just think of it as he is not able to see and hear the real you right now. He has to project this picture of you to justify what he is doing. Shatter that picture! Act nonchalant, happy and busy. Move away from him and give him a chance to stop blaming you for his unhappiness. Sometimes the more we push to get closer the more they move away. You move a way a little and take care of yourself. That is the real secret of plan A. You getting stonger and happier with or without him. Right now it has to be without him, but maybe one day in the future you will have a chance to do it with him.<P>Hang in there OK? We have all been in that place and I know it sucks, but it will get better I promise.<BR>Lora

Thanks Lora. Why do I feel so hopeless? Why is it that I can't see my life existing without him? My H really is a good man and he still tells me he loves me and cares about me but he's not in love with me. We have had some really rocky times in our marriage but I never thought it would ever come to this. The longer this saga continues the more hopeless I feel. Sometimes I just don't want to go on any longer. I get sick of hearing comments from other people like he's no good you don't deserve this, why not just divorce him, he doesn't care about you, you're giving him the best of both worlds and so on. I wish i could just go back 6 mos. knowing what I know now and be able to repair our marriage before it got to this point. I honestly don't know what to think any more. I don't think my H wants a divorce, think he's just confused. We talk every day on the phone usually several times a day. He comes by usually every night for a little while or at least every other. I know that i do push him sometinmes because I am very impatient. Something I'm really trying to work at. Am I to needy? Maybe we should stay away from each other for awhile, he needs to miss me and I don't think daily contact is allowing that to happen. I hope tomorrow is better.<BR>cybil

I am not that good at Plan A, either, don't feel alone. I am Queen of the silent treatment. I have been hurt so badly, sometimes all that I can think of is how unfair it is, how much I have given and how little I have gotten back (I know you are not supposed to think that way.) I keep waiting for things to change.<P>My husband needs to be not loved, but worshipped and adored. All the while he expects this, he pushes me away so that I cannot be close to him, so that I don't invade his comfort zone. He wants me to love him, but he feels that he should be expected to do little work in the marriage. I tried for so many years to show him my love and yes, now I am mad after he took all the I longed to and gave it to some nasty old woman.<P>So yes, I feel as you do. It is hard. <P>For me, it is not hard DOING nice things, but hard saying nice things. I think that I am burned out, and angry. And I struggle with hiding my negative feelings so that I won't cause a fight, hurt his feelings. So, I don't say anything. I let him come to me to talk.

Cybil,<BR> Plan A sucks for everyone. It sometimes is unbearable,and always unfair.<BR> Anyway, I think you should focus on you, if H was not in picture what would you be doing? School?Volunteer work? Joining a gym? Make a list, then MAKE yourself do things for yourself. When he see's you happy on your own, you will be irresistable. This does not mean ignore him, just focus on you make yourself happy. Think about it happy people are a lot easier to be around.<BR> I wish I could do better at my advice to others, well I have the list anyway-hehe

((((cybil))))<P>I'm just stopping in for a second. I'll be tied up most of the day. I'll be back on tonight.<P>Take care of you, ok?? Don't put too much rpessure on yourself. It's hard as HECK!!! to plan A. But do the best you can, be the best cybil there is - as much of the time as you can - and that's all you can do. That's more than most BS's do, which is why divorce is so high. Sometimes just a small effort at Plan A can have BIG rewards.<P>SO relax, take care of you. Smile. And KNOW that you are doing attempting something great, even if it's not perfect.<P> <P>I'll be back. Keep us posted.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Thanks for all the support! Yes Plan A does suck! I'm tired and drained from trying to be nice and understanding and then I screw it all up after working so hard and I LB and I feel as though I'm back to square one. I'm still here though and I'm stil working at plan A.<BR>cybil

Cybil,<P>Could it be that you are forgetting the part of Plan A that is for YOU? Plan A only comes full circle when your spouse sees that you are a better person and that you are doing things for you. Once you focus on yourself and prove that you are a worthwhile person then your H. will see that too! <P>Dr. Harley suggests taking up a new hobby, or actually spending time on an old one. Do something fun for yourself and actually enjoy it and don't worry so much about him. It is also easier not to LB if you are de-stressed and happier with yourself. Taking some of the focus off of him and putting it on you is what makes you a stronger person!