I have been plan A'ing for more than 2 months. My H is at home. He hasn't admitted to anything. I am clueless to the facts and the truth. He denys everything. <BR>In the mean time, I have sat through numerous movies, which I hated, but went because it's what my H likes to do. I have dined at his favorite restaurants, vacationed at the beach that he loves, played minature golf in the blazing sun with him, attended his class reunion where I knew no one. I could go on for days. Needless to say my H is very happy and I am filling his EN's.<BR>Why then do I feel as though I have lost myself? I hate movies, I hate mexican food, I hate that beach and I could have lived forever without ever playing mini golf. When is it my turn? I did nothing wrong in my marriage yet I am the one who is disappearing into him and his needs. Some how this doesn't seem fair.<P>~TD~<BR>

Plan A does NOT mean do whatever makes him happy. It simply means avoid lovebusters, and fulfill the emotional needs he will let you, and that you can happily meet. Doing things that you hate, just for him, will almost always backfire, bcs you build up more resentment. I've often heard around here "don't do anything in Plan A that you are not willing to do for the next 20 years." NOT bend over backwards and make yourself into someone you are not.<P>Sorr, I don;t know your whole story, but maybe it is time to move on to the next step, where the two of you work together to meet each others needs. Even if not, back off & quit killing yourself.<P>Kathi

TD,<BR>It does sound as though you are being the doormat, sorry for being so blunt. My w did this for years, thinking she had do be some submissive person and agree to whatever I wanted, that is not what I wanted, I wanted her input and to know what her needs were. Are you communicating your needs to your H, he cannot read your mind, if thats what you want him to do. <P>Does H know the MB principles? POJA for instance is the two of you brainstorming together to find the best possible solution that you both find enjoyable. <P>Have you tried reading HNHN together? You both have needs here. Not that you LB when communicating this, but in gentileness and humility. <P>Especially if H says that nothing went on you can still work on your marriage, even if H "says" he didn't have an A. Reading through SAA may also be helpful to you.<P>There is also a book out called "How to save your marriage alone" by Ed Wheat M.D. It is actually just one chapter out of a bigger book "Love life for every Married couple" Ed Wheat M.D.<P>I've also found it quite helpful to remember how rejected Christ was. The people he came to save were the ones who killed Him. It may will hard, but try to thank the Lord for allow you to fell just a little of the pain He feels when rejected by His chosen people. Judas betrayed Him w/ a kiss. One last thing, Romans 8:28.<P>God bless-I hope this helps a little,<BR>knight<P>

I probably should have been more specific...<P>First, I have read all the Harley books, my H in not interested in reading anything regarding this. His standard answer is "I didn't do anything, let it go". I asked him to see a counselor that I am seeing, he refused, giving the same answer. He says I was never there for him and thinking back, we did lead separate lives to a point because our interests differ. I have been trying hard to do things with him that he likes to do. I guess I just wish he would do the same for me. I tell him what I want, he just doesn't listen (or care?). <P>Since the D-Day, June 16, we have had only 2 arguments. Both were regarding the suspected OW.He doesn't understand my triggers, because after all he sees himself as innocent. For instance, last night we attended a football game. Afterwards we stopped to talk to my friend and her H. she is a flirt and totally harmless. She said to my H "I was blowing you kisses all through the game but you had your back to me", my H replied "yeah can't get kisses with the wife around". What a trigger that was <BR>H asked, when we got home, what was wrong with me. I calmly told him that his reply to my friend triggered thoughts of his A. He flipped out and started yelling that I was paranoid and if I can't move on maybe he should move out. I just walked away and went to bed. <P>This morning he is in the kitchen cooking breakfast and asking what I want to do today. It's like living with a split personality. As long as I don't talk about the A or the OW, he's happy but it makes me want to scream.<P>~TD~