I talked to my H earlier today. As some of you know, we hadn't spoken for quite awhile (12 weeks!) after he initially packed up and left, with note and d papers in mailbox. Well, I basically ignored the papers, and let him go his way! I found this site shortly after he left, and had been essentially letting him "go his way." <P>It became ridiculous that I didn't have any contact with him for 3 months! I had written him 2 (Plan A) letters, with no response (didn't expect one, that wasn't the point). Then, a pipe burst under our house, and I felt I didn't have any choice but to call and try to talk to him about it. I needed money to fix it. We talked and it was very nice, we were both "civil." In fact, he was downright nice! He did admit that he didn't have a "real job" but was just doing "day labor" construction. Something he can't really do on a regular basis, as he has some physical problems. It seemed to me that he was "embarrassed" to have to tell me what he was doing for a job. I thought it was just my imagination.<P>I posted about that "breakthrough" last week after our phone conversation, and was told basically to expect waffling-type behavior, or a "backlash" from him.<P>So, today, I spoke with him again. Basically I just called him to "talk." He again seemed happy to hear from me. He started telling me all about his dad (having some problems, now in the hospital, not good, etc. - his brother needs to have back surgery, etc.). Then, he proceeds to tell me all the places he has put in apps for employment! I mean, that sounds TO ME like he's "making a plan for his life" - IN NEW CITY, NOT WITH ME!!! This has thrown me for a loop...I mean, is this 1)"just" foggy, WS behavior, 2)the expected backlash from our conversation revealing his totally lack of any type of commitment, OR 3)is he really ready to "move on" without me, and needs money to "do the d. thing right?"<P>Oh, I was "enthusiastic" about his job prospects (that'll confuse him!), discussed them with him calmly (although I WANTED to scream "What the hell are you thinking!?!?!").<P>Another weird thing (like this WHOLE scenario isn't?!?!) - OW answered the phone. I said, "Hello, this is Lupo. May I speak with my H, please?" SHE says, "Just a minute." Hands him the phone, says, "It's Lupo." LIKE NO BIG DEAL?!?!?! Shouldn't an OW be LIVID that W would call HER HOUSE and ask to speak w/HER MAN????????<P>I really DO NOT UNDERSTAND this whole "otherworldness" that this "A" [censored] takes on.........I'm a kind of "in your face" type of gal, and I just don't get it. I had posted months ago, I don't know if I'm in Plan A, or if he "Plan B"'ed ME, or what the H*LL is going on!! I think I STILL don't know where I am..... <P>Anybody bored and just want to "clue me in" here tonight?<P>Thanx<BR>Lupo

lupo-- don't know how much help I might be as, my situation is as goofy as yours sounds. But I can feel for you!! I wish we had some type of insight into how WS minds worked.<P>Let's see, he talked to you today that is a good thing right?<P>You didn't LB that is a good thing right?<P>The OW answered the phone and didn't seem suprised to hear from you, my thought---she let him have it after you hung up but wasn't going to give you the benefit of tearing into him.<BR>She is the OW and she does know that he is married and has a wife---whe has to know what she is doing is wrong.<P>Just my input--Dawn

Hi, Lupo!<P>Well, I'll take a stab at this.... um... H could be doing either 1,2 or 3 that you listed. But we, BS's in Plan A, must assume that it is #1. Do I win a millin dollars for that, Regis? <P>Really, though, your 3months has been without contact, while mine has been with contact, but still, sounds like both our H's are in the fog. You handled yourself wonderfully, I believe. He's probably wondering why you were calm and supportive.<P>sigh.... you are coming into a new phase of your plan A, inwhich you are having a little communication with H, and you are trying to figure what he means - just like you've seen many of us others trying to understand the fogese. You were MISERABLE not hearing from him, BUT you were not faced with the joys of interpretation of fogese. welcome. <P>I really think you need to stay on your course of Plan A. A letter/card/note every now and then, being sweet and supportive on the phone, etc. Time will only tell what his intentions are, which he is on the fence about right now, or else he would have pushed the D issue already.

Hi Lupo. Well, I can certainly see why you would be confused 1st no contact for 3mos., then the situation with the pipe I remember your thread about that trying to decide if you should even contact him and now this. Well once again I think you handled yourself very well no LB's, remained calm when he told you about his potential job prospects and when the OW answered you just politely ask to speak to your H. I am very proud of you. One question I have how old is your H? Could part of this be a midlife crisis? I'm sorry that I really don't have anything insightful to offer. I agree with Faith about continuing your plan A. Good luck Lupo.<BR>cybil

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>One question I have how old is your H? Could part of this be a midlife crisis? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>cybil: He's 58. Kinda LATE for MLC, doncha think? I did. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it IS that. Partly I think it was a combination of a lot of stuff: "Life is passing me by, I'm not feeling too good, not getting any younger. W is a Class-A "B***" a lot of the time, I'm not getting enough at home...maybe I missed out on some stuff..." that kind of thinking. PLUS stress, loss of job, continued, constant illness, injuries and/or pain....take your pick. <P>Faith, Good to hear from you! You know I always value your comments. They come from such a good place, and full of wisdom. I thought it probably was fogese, hoping it is but just wondered what others thought, too. Secondly, you're right, of course. I was "happy" in a weird sort of way when I wasn't dealing with the "what does he mean when he says...." kind of stuff that other BS's were dealing with. But it WAS lonely....but THIS! <sigh> I think this IS worse in its own way. I guess I didn't realize how happy I was in my ignorance! I suppose part of me IS nervous that his getting a "real job" now will be because he does want the "D" now and needs money to proceed....ah well, time alone will dictate where we go from here......<P>Daybreak, I felt like it was a good call, too. NO LB's! We did talk and it felt good just to do that! I told him that, too, that after 20 years of M, it felt strange to not talk to him for so long, and I enjoyed our short conversations. He said nothing. I know, I know, "expect nothing." I don't, BUT it WOULD be nice to get something....<P>Ohhh, MY BAD!! I loved the thought that my calling was a MAJOR source of LB between them later on!!! In fact, if it is any indication that there WAS a blow-up, I could almost "feel it" in my burning ears for about an hour after we hung up. But hey? He TOLD me to call him back about the leak...BTW - it's not fixed YET so I guess I'll have to call back yet again..... <P>Lupo<P>