Hi, I just wanted to respond in a seperate thread from my depressed day thread.<P> Listen guys, one thing I have learned in the 4+ months since D-Day. Some days, and weeks, are worse than others. You get drained, tired of trying, scared of the future, tired of fighting, ANGRY, remorseful, on and on, more and more.<P> But listen SEM, not every day has to be that way. You absolutly must wake up occasionally and deside that you will not think of ANY of that A stuff. You have to recharge so to speak. Have a mini vacation where you and your wife go out and have fun. Doesn't matter what the fun is, whatever you two enjoy. Doesn't have to be more than one day. Just let that day be about nothing but enjoying life.<P> Now I know it is impossible to not think of it for a whole day at this point. But just because you think about it doesn't mean you have to let it run your mini vacation. Just do NOT let it rule this day.<P> There is a ton of problems in all our lives here at MB. I tell you this little trick is THE ONLY thing that has continued to give me the strength to keep fighting for my marriage(well maybe that and a kick now and again from the people here at MB).<P> Also I ABSOLUTLY REFUSE to believe that there are people who have been in recovery for 1 or 2 years that still wake up every morning to this torture. I REFUSE to believe that there aren't plenty of good, and even great days where they do not think about the A. It has only been 4+ months for me and I don't even do that. Yes there are many bad days, but not every day is bad. And I do try to get at least 1 of those mini vacation I'm talking about. I will not think of the bad crap on these days. It works. It does for me at least.<P> After reading a couple of posts from the both of you, I feel like I can say that you have great love for each other. Keep Smiling has been carrying this guilt for 4 years, SEM only 2 months. Both of you need to realize the time difference and understand why one might get tired, or overloaded and want to give up. The other has only just learned of it all. What he is going through is only the first stages. For SEM the rollercoaster of emotions is still too fresh. VERY difficult proposition to be in.<P> This, if for no other reason is why I beleive you two must have a few set days in the month to just NOT discuss the A. NOT think about it if at all possible. Have fun together, hold each other and reassure each other of the love I know you have.<P> Sorry for rambling. And this may be off the mark. But it does help my W and I keep going. You and your marriage ARE worth the effort.<P> jd

bump up.

Thanks so much jd,<BR>I have had another crap day, I just can't get this stuf off my mind. You are very correct, I feel drained, emotionally physically, and mentally. I feel like I can't function anymore. I can't sleep at night, I only get about 3 hours a night, sometimes only 1 or 2 and I have to function in that condition all day and be mentally prepared at work. I would think with that little sleep, I would get home and pass out, but no I go through the same cycle over and over. I am afraid to take sleeping pills because I have to be at work at 0430 and I'm afraid sleeping pills will prevent me from waking up, I have a hard enough time without sleeping pills.... Whats the answer, I wish I new. I feel like I'm to the breaking point, like I'm going to have a total breakdown soon.<P>I am ready to get some pills like prozack or something. I am totally against taking anything that doesn't save my life or cure my headaches, just don't like taking unnesesary medication if you know what I mean, but I think I'm going to give something a shot. I know if I continue this I don't think I will be getting better without taking someting. <P>We have been going out hiking or to the movies every weekend for the past 8 weeks and this has helped most of the time. This weekend was a flop, we went hiking, the hike was good but we almost didn't go cause W and I weren't getting along at all. We went and didn't get along much the whole time, got home and did a little more not getting along. We never fight much, never have in the past, but sometimes we just don't get along, kind of like snap at each other. That is how our whole weekend was. This week we won't be getting any weekend together cause she is working the only day I get off and I am working all the days she gets off. It seems like when you are down someone out there has to kick you, this time it's work.<P>I am usually the positive one in the marriage, I am usually the one telling my wife that things will work out and don't worry. Now, I am feeling like crap and all I want is a little support from W, but I don't feel she is stepping up to the plate. I feel let down in my time of need. I feel like ive been carrying all the weight for the past 8 weeks and now that I can't do it any more my wife either doesn't know how or doesn't care to help me. I may be blaming her but this is how I feel. I have been so concerned about how she feels this whole time and I feel like I have been neglecting myself and now it's catching up to me, I don't think I can take it any longer. I just feel like giving up, it's not worth this much pain and this feeling of total helplessness and loss of energy. I am drained, I don't have energy to do this anymore. We have discussed this, she said she will try to be there for me, but now that were both working we don't see each other until our weekend wich was stripped from us by both our works. It is never ending. Boy do I sound like a big whiner, <P>I'm sorry to bore you with all this, I really apreciate your concern. We have an apointment with our new theropist on thursday of this week, I just hope I can stay sane until then. Hopefully she can hook me up with some morphine or something <P>Thanks again jd, I again had to vent,

Hi, sem. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I don't want to jump in the middle of JD's thread. I think his message to you is wonderful!!!<P>I just wanted to give a quick reply... I didn't want to take any medication either. I was VERY reluctant. But, about 3 weeks ago (D-Day was 3 months ago), I decided to ask my Dr. about it. I wanted seomthing very mild, and non-habit-forming, and told her I felt embarrassed to NEED something. SHe understood, and offered me a mild prescription of zoloft, and told me to think about it - even just to take it for 3-4 months, and then stop.<P>I'm Sooooooo glad I did. i really think it helps me tremendously. My emotions are a ittle more controllable and I'm not depressed as much. Part of it , is just my stage in this whole mess = a little more acceptance on my part... but I know the meds help too.<P>Youa re doing the right thing for yourself, KS, and your marriage. If you quit, you will always wonder what if...<P>The thoughts of the A will subside. Find some other things to intneiontally switch your mind to when those thoughts start forming. Pray, or think of a funny movie, or think about some happy times with KS, etc. Get a journal and vent your true feelings there. You may feel like you're doing all the work. That may be necessary right now. It will be worth it. Take some time and do some things for yourself. Shop, hike, go out with some friends, hobbies, music... something to make yourself relax. Working on this stuff can get tiring.<P>Hang in there... both of you.

SEM,<P> I think some form of medication is a great idea. I would do it myself if I could. Let me explain. <P> See, when I found out on d-day the first thing I did was to quit my job. The job was a huge detriment to the marriage anyway. Kept me away from home working nights(rotating shifts suck). Working a lot of overtime etc, etc. I put WAY too much of myself into that job at a cost of my time to wife. So I made the decision to quit.<P> Well, I am about to start a new job in which they would fire me on the spot if it were revealed I was on any form of mind altering drug. I will routinely be screened for this type of drug AND have yearly background checks by the FBI. <BR>(I hope it SOUNDS more intimidating that it is)I feel I would benefit from prozac or something but....can't.<P> At any rate, I just want you to know that I beleive your marriage is worth much more effort. I'm not trying to say you are not putting in major effort now, you are. So is Keep Smiling. It is harder for you to see that on a daily basis.<P> You said you and KS try to do something every weekend together. I think that is wonderful. Now the two of you need to try to do some things by yourselves. Get out and do something for yourself. Trust that KS can go out and do something for herself, without hurting you again. As others have pointed out to me, you have NO control over that if it happens.<P> I know it is hard. I am going through similar feelings. Remember this....KS doesn't have to be with you right now. She could have left long ago. I beleive this should say something very huge to you. She loves you and wants to work through this as much as you do. You both need to figure out how. <P> I wish you all the luck in the world. And if you get too many kicks when you are down, start to kick back. As long as you don't do it literally, and not on KS.<P> One more thing. You are NOT boring me at all. We're all in this together.<P> Faith1,<P> Feel free to jump in anytime. I need all the help I can get too. <P>

Thanks Faith, your great.<P>I think I am willing to continue, I guess I am going to let it ride until I feel better. I think maybe I've been trying to hard. I just want the hurt to go away ASAP and I try to make it go away but the more I try the harder it is. I am a fixer and I am always very impatient with fixing any thing, its gotta be right now, and I don't stop until its done. Well this doesn't work that way I have never seen myself as week or someone that fails at something I put my heart into, but I seem to be failing at repairing our marriage and fixing myself. The first time in years I have felt weak like I don't have the strength to do something or the will to do something. This whole A thing has had its impact on me, I want to be the strong one and the positive one that steps up and walks us through it like I have in the past, but I can't, It keeps dragging me down.. And then I think if I only would have left it alone 8 weeks ago I would still be oblivious to this whole thing and I would be happy hunky dory peachy fine just like I always have been, sure I wouldn't be as happy as I hope to be and I would have to deal with the lies and all, but that wasn't so bad, was it?<P>I think there is still hope I am just having a really bad week I was nearly to tears when I started writing this, now I'm feeling much better...really. <P>Thanks again Faith, you are always so positive, I do read the GQ board on occasion and I always enjoy reading your posts, your great, thanks.

Thanks for the compliment. My H is off the hook today on filling my admiration EN. <P>I'm a fixer too. I kept saying over and over to my H and to my friends, "I just want to fix this." Well, darnit, I finally accpeted that I CAN'T. All i can do is change myself, demonstrate my changes, love my H the way HE needs to be loved RIGHT now - gently and from a distance (in my case), and not give up on him, me or God yet. <P>You are not alone in your frustration. Frustration means you care. It's passion about something. It's a desire to make things better. Hold on to the care, passion, and desire for a better marriage. It will come. Just vent a little, take a deep breath, and then relax a bit. k? <P>see ya later....

jd,<P>Ok, we were typing at the same time (3:56&3:57). You do have a good point, I think we have been getting on each others nerves being together so much. Maybe this weekend sinse we have different days off we can take advantage of that and go do something alone. I'll discuse this with her, good idea, thanks. <P>I am very thankful that W decided that the marriage was more important than the OM, I would have been totally devestated if she had left me for him. I have always been head over heals in love with her, even during her A. I sometimes wish that I didn't care so much, this whole thing would be much easier. <P>You guys have been great, now I feel guilty I have been posting in recovery this whole time and I havn't spent the time to post to any one here in GQ, even though I read here sometimes. I feel like Im getting a free meal here, thanks.

SEM,<P> No free meals here buddy. You will one day be able to pay for it by picking me up. I know it will happen. <P> I haven't spent any real time on the recovery board. Technically that is where I belong though. I just have such a strong bond with the people here though. Even though I only recently started posting pretty much daily(see lurker).<BR>I have laughed and cried many tears at their situations.<BR>Orchid, H2Y, WAT, SNL, Faith1, Chaz, Hurtbyhubby and so many others I can't begin to remember them all.<P> Many have come and gone, but they all have touched my heart. I don't know if it is like this on recovery, but GQ is a special place with very special people. <P> I hope I helped if only a little bit. Just remember, take it minute by minute, even second by second. It will get better. The pain will subside. Your marriage is worth it.<P> Stay Strong SEM, KS<P> jd

jd, <BR>you definately helped, I am feeling much better now. Not trying to say you and Faith are my miracle cure, but you made a huge difference in my day. Hell, I got on line only because my W ordered me to because she knew I'd just sit on the couch and wollow in my self pitty and do nothing all evening. W told me to post a topic on how I feel and see if I could get some incouragement, well I found you a callin and I probably would have just moped and read a little and I'd probably still feeling like hiding in my little cave somewhere. I can't thank you guys enough, I can't say I have been in more need of encouragement than today, and you guys just happened to be here, thanks alot.E

You are very welcome. Glad I could help a little. Stay Strong.<P> jd

Hi JD,<P>You are so kind to open up this thread.....<P>SEM,<P>I posted to you on the KS's thread. I understand what you are going through but you 2 need a plan...... Ever watch the A-team (oohhh bad name, but at the time one of my favorite shows). They always had a plan, kind of kooky sometimes but since it was hollywood, it all came out ok in the end. <P>Well, you both have the option to work at making a plan to make it happen in the end. It will be hard and periods of frustration, regression, anticipation, anxiety, etc. will happen to the best of plans. Stick to it, it will pay off. You 2 are farther along than some of us. <P>Anyway, read the post. Hope you feel better soon. <P><BR>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Dear SEM:<P>I am a new poster and cannot give you any better advice than the others here. I posted to KS tonight and just wanted to say to you I have rarely seen two spouses here that loved each other as much as it seems you and keep smiling do.<P>Please give yourself a break and realize you have these feelings but they will pass. As JD said give you and KS a break from the A when you can and just try and have fun remember why you love each other.<P>My prayers to you and KS I KNOW you two can do this.

Thanks Orchid and Will,<P>Orchid, Your post to my W was very well thought out, it is just about exactly how I feel. My W's A has been long over, but I feel like some a..hole is still laughing about how he got off on some guys W, and I feel like my W was laughing cause she got away with it. I'll never get the oportunity to meet this OM, so I won't even know what I was up against, or why he was so great that my W was willing to throw away our marriage for him, and in the process ruin my life over. I am glad to hear that he wasn't sexually satisfying to her (at least that is what she said, I don't know if I believe her, she did have a huge rugburn on her back that I recall seeing and she has confirmed). My problem is 4 years is a long time, I can't remember everything that was going on in our lives, so therefore I can't figure out where we went wrong, or should I say where I went wrong. I have always loved her more than anything, she has always ment the world to me, I still can't picture my existance without her....how could she! <P>A couple of weeks ago, I guess I had a false sense of hope or recovery, I was feeling great, not now. I am feeling like crap every day. I have gone back to this obsession, every part of me is fixated on the A. I try to stay busy, I try to think happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, nothing works. Crap... that is where I am I guess, I suppose we go through stages, I'm hoping this will pass.<P>I know my wife loves me very much, she has been very supportive throughout this, but at the same time I was feeling pretty good and I was still in my normal positive mode. Now, I am about as low as I can get, in a slow over time kindof thing, not like d-day but really down, if you know what I mean. Now that I am feeling this way she doesn't seem to want to step up and help me through this crap. <P>I just went to her lunch at her work and, though I was feeling much better after visiting with you all, as soon as I saw her I felt like crap again. My eyes were filling with tears on the way home, had a hard time seeing the road. Funny thing is I am a strong man, I never cry, now I feel like a weak helpless little boy hurt by my one true love. Listen to me, I would never talk like this before A. I don't care about all that now, I admit I'm messed up, soon I'll be proud of the fact that I'm messed up....Crap <P>Will, Thank you for the encouragement, I agree, I don't see many other W/H post together that seem like they are on the same page, I wish I would see more of that. W and I have both found an addiction here, She will post a topic and call me from work to see if anyone responds with advice, it is great we both have something we can do together and talk about together. I see you just became a full fledged member from my W post to this one, congradulations, this was a big deal to us when we went from jr member to member, wow...you probably think I'm crazy by now....if so your probably right. <P>Thank you all again, you really have given me some light in my day.

Wow Guys,<BR>I would have called in, If I knew you were going to post a great post to us. LOL. Thanks so much for thoughtfulness. It's comfortating. Thanks so much for your positve attitudes, we need it. Your words of encouragement, makes feel stronger. Yesterday I told SEM that we are a team and we can conquer anything. Boy, I hope we do.<P>SEM usually posts under recovery, and I tell him to come to GQ lots of good stuff to read. Some of the people you metioned I like to read there posts and put in my two cents. <BR>This place is really addicting. I get off work in the later hours of the night and have to stop at hte computer to see what's new or if I got a post to respond to.<BR>Thanks again, Please keep up the great words of encouragment.Sherry