My H came home 4 months ago, but is has started seeing OW again, is confused, not sure he wants our marriage.<P>The problem is we have vacation schedualed in a week and a half. I have tried to bring it up and ask him what he wanted to do a couple of weeks ago and he said I dont know, I;m broke. I said i have money to spend on it and he didnt answer.<P>So now the time is coming up. I dont know if he even wants to go or what we chould do. I am looking for suggestions on how to bring it up. I would love for us to go, have fun, not think of the affair and reconnect, but I guess that is to much to expect. I would like to suggest we just go and have fun, but if he is in resenting me mode, that seems unlikely too. Should I even ask if he wants to go or not? Or just have some suggestions for things I think he would enjoy? How would you like to be approached and do you think you could try and have fun?<BR>Lora

IMO just plan something, make sure it is something you would enjoy if you end up doing it alone. And be sure to do it, whether he goes or not. Make it something very low key, as little stress as possible, slow and relaxed, and be by yourselves, do not visit friends, relatives, etc. If have and taking kids, just have fun, no set scheduel etc. Is ok to pick something H likes too, but make sure it is something you like. And try to do something makes it hard to get to a phone. <P>Do not ask if he wants to go or not, I personally hate such questions, I don't want to make decisions, just do whatever you want, and let me decide how I want to react...do you see? have fun. But do not LB, and do not make his behaviour the issue re whether you have fun or not. Just be cheerful, and upbeat the whole time.

SNL, Thanks.<P>I was thinking of a camping vacation to Canada, the only trouble is without H I cant manage the trailer. So, I will think a little more or maybe look into some cabins I saw for rent, although its getting a little late to make plans.<P>Be upbeat and have cheerful is good advice to, but easier said then done. We went on a vacation right after discovery and that was my plan, but H was determined to not speak to me, not have fun and after awhile its a little hard to be the life of the party all alone. I am afraid we will do that again and I want to avoid it at all costs.<P>Heres my other thing.. if I plan a vacation and then tell him the plans isnt it controlling? not giving him any choice. So, you say you dont want to make any decision, but then you want me to read your mind for what you would like to do? Or if I make the plans then you can feel justified in saying, well its all your plans, I dont want to go do that. Seems like a loose/ loose situation for me.<BR>Lora

It is a risk lora, and it can look a little controlling, but if he uses it against you, then nothing you could have done would make any difference...ya see? I am not saying give him a chance to be involved.<P>H, I am tired, wore out, crabby and need a break. I want to go on some kind of vacation. I am open to suggestions. If you have none, or prefer to have me do all the planning, I am willing. Since their are deadlines relative to any vacation planning I am gonna start now, feel free to jump in any time, is ok with me, otherwise I hope you enjoy my plans. I will keep you posted, but keep in mind their is only so much flexibility, and if you make a suggestion too late, I may be unable to accomodate it, plz don't think of that as unreasonable. My goal is to plan something fun, and unstressful, for both of us....<P>I'd go with the cabin, trailors are lots of work, and can be source of stress. Cabin..just walk in, and walk out...great idea.....take lots to read, maybe some kind of cards, or other games, take some of the harley books, just leave em somewhere discreet but visible. Go out for most meals, hit every eatery in the area, and just have fun observing the locals and tourists....etc. etc. If he likes gadgets borrow or buy a GPS unit and hike/drive about. Take some star charts, learn the 10 brightest stars in the sky...take a blanket and get frisky under the stars (if folks are willing, and mosquitos don't eat you alive). Make a list of neutral topics ahead of time to use for conversations.... be proactive lora, go boldly, with your head high, and your heart on your sleeve, and do not whine, or be lured into any LB conversations. Just smile and say you are on vacation, and that means from everything, even "stuff"....let him see a steady, cheerful, self-assured you..... is very powerful. And he may enjoy being taken care of, just along for the ride...good luck. Are you canadian, if not where do you live?

Hey, can I jump in here? Sorry for crashing this.<P>Thanks for helping my bud, SnL. Both Lora and I live in the Pac NW, Gig Harbor, WA. We live within 2 miles of one another. We met on this board. Our H's were having an A around the same time frame. Odd, huh?<P>Anyhooo, great advice, SnL!<P>Lora, I'll be around this eve for our reg evening call, Hon.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

I'll throw my two cents in.<P>Don't know all your story...but as a male WS, you already feel like a loser for betraying your wife....being a lousy husband...then...to have no money...and have to have the wife offer it...kind of reinforces the notion that not only is he a poor husband...but now a poor provider.<P>Not saying it's a huge issue...but it can certainly taint things a bit. And I'm not suggesting you were wrong in offering it or the vacation.<P>One positive here is inspite of his failures...for you to still...show a genuine interest in him...is good. Depending on how strong your heart is here....keep it up without overdoing it. Just let him know...it doesn't have to be over....if he is willing to make some more steps in your direction.<P>have a good day...<BR>Man..I would love a camping trip into Canada!

SNL,<BR>Thanks again, will start looking for a cabin today, I'm just afraid its already kind of late to be planning. Oh I just thought of Whistler, tons of condos and a beautiful area in the summer too. Will have to get busy.<P>Jo, Thanks for posting... I thought you went to bed?<P>lighthouse,<BR>Well, that money thing is sort of funny. Because in truth he has lots more money then me. We have always kept seperate accounts. I think him saying he was broke was his way of tring to weasal out of vacation altogether. And then he wrote that I was making him pay for everything and I make 1$ more an hour than him. So it was my way of sharing expenses and showing generosity.<P>Well, I may end up with an extra cabin in Canada... <BR>Lora

My take is different on this. IF he is working on your marriage and IF he has decided that he will stay in the marriage regardless of withdrawls from the OW then a vacation is great. But, if he is still carrying on his affair and if he is seriously considering the OW over you a vacation alone could be deadly for your marriage. I keep thinking back to my discover. When I was in withdrawl the last thing I could have ever done is went away with my ex. For me though, I had made up my mind that I wanted a divorce. But for the OM, he did what your husband is doing. He decided to try and make his marriage work and stayed home. I had stopped contact with him so he was in his withdrawal stage. His ex brought up the vacation. In fact she told him that she'd have her parents stay with the kids so that they could go away for a few days alone. She wanted to re-connect. Well, he freaked. He said he knew that she'd want deep discussions and intimacy and he could not handle that. That was one of the things that she did that pushed a WS out. Time alone and intimacy with a WS that is thinking about leaving more then they are thinking about staying will freak at the betrayed spouse trying to re-connect with them. I think it's almost like having to go back to the dating stages.....the just getting to know you. Like SNL and Lighthouse have pointed out before, the WS who is extremely connected to the OP is thinking about nothing else except about how miserable they are and how much they miss that OP.

Well bonnieSept,<BR>I can always count on you for a discouraging word.<P>I guess i will have to risk it cause right now if my asking him to go on a vacation freaks him out and makes him run to OW so be it.<BR> <BR>Lora