Last couple of weeks, H has initiated sex twice. Didn't think this would ever happen again. He gives me hugs every time he leaves now and has begun asking for them. I asked him again if it was over. He said he didn't know, that sometimes he wishes it was and sometimes he wishes it wasn't. I "bad-mouthed" OW but quickly apologized to him about it. He said I had nothing to apologize for, that I have every right to say whatever I want, and that he doesn't care that I talk bad about her. He came over to keep our kids this past weekend. I didn't have to work Sun but didn't find out until I went in. We decided to go visit his dad. OW tried calling but I had ringer off on phone so she called his grandmother's house. I find out today from H that she also called my work asking if I was in. He says she went off on him, asking where the h%*l he was with his wife when he got back. Mon morning, she went off on him again because apparently he dreamed about me all night and was talking in his sleep. <P>Today our son started his first day of Kindergarten. H was here to see him on the bus. He asked me for a hug, gave me the best hug I've gotten from him in a long time. As I was holding him I said, "I love you." He said, "I love you too." First time I've heard those words in over 2 months!!! And I have said them before to him. <P>I've been losing hope and have come back to this place many times over trying to find the will to keep fighting. My depression is getting worse and although I have a dr's appt, it isn't for another week and Lord only knows how soon I can get on meds. I hate any medication of any kind, I'm hard pressed to take an aspirin for a headache. Still, I don't think I can keep going without it. Sad, isn't it? <P>Please, I know I haven't posted much but I would really appreciate all your responses. BS as well as WS. Help me to hold on.<P>Thank you,<P>MS

If there is still contact with OW, then yes, your H is still waffling. But from what you've written, it sounds like he's leaning towards you.<P>Now it is more important than ever to not LB. To plan A your heart out. To continue keeping that safe environment.<P>It sounds like OW is LBing. That's great for you! Do not sink to her level (by LBing). If you feel you need meds to keep your cool or to ease off the depression, then so be it. There are MANY people on here who could give you advice on the different meds available and how they worked for them. It is not sad that you feel you need some medication. I think of it as more of a strength in you. You are trying to protect yourself. That's a GOOD thing. <P>Karen<P>

Hi Mad Season,<P>You are making progress. But you time of testing is still ahead. He said words to make you feel better and is showing actions to prove it. Consider that progress. It definitely is a lot for those in the fog. <P>Now work on keeping yourself strong. See teh doctor if you need to. I have to rush off to work, so I will check back on you later. OK?<P>I am happy to hear he said those nice things to you. You did good. <P>L.

I agree with Topie & Orchid, Plan A Plan A Plan A.<P>For your depression before you get to the Dr., try to exercise half an hour every day--a walk, lift weights, dance--release that natural serotonin. Spend a little time in sunlight. Keep alcohol to a minimum, it really is a depressant.<P>I spent 6 months on first Paxil, then Zoloft, it really helped me, especially with anxiety, then I no longer needed it. It is simply a means to help you cope with a very difficult time--and that is OK.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Sounds to me like things are turning around for you!<BR> I still take Wellbutrin for depression. It also helps me sleep. Plan A your heart out!!!!!!!!!!1

Dear Mad Season,<BR>Sounds to me like if you just continue to be the loving wife you probably already are, OW is going to LB herself right out of your H's life! Let her do the work, it sounds like she's doing a good job of it. I only WISH my H's OW had started getting ugly, so that he could have seen what a conniving BIT** she is. I say keep doing what you're doing.

Sounds to me like you must be doing things right. Have to agree with everyone else. Just find the strength to keep on doing what you're doing.

This sounds very encouraging- remember though that your H will probably go thru a 2 mo period of withdrawal from OW though- dont say anything bad about her or have ultimatum discussions about your marriage at this time.I also found it was counter-productive to plan dates with just H and I during this time- I thought it would help but instead it made H feel more depressed and confused. You can plan those times for AFTER he is out of the withdrawal stage and just do family things till then . Be friendly and keep things light. That is best and will lead to the quickest recovery time. Good luck! lifeismessy

Topie,<BR>There is most definitely still contact with OW...H lives with her and has been for the past 2+ months. I know how I want to interpret what he's been doing...as hope that he's rethinking the situation. Still, it's easier for me if I don't find hope in anything he says/does. I guess "easier" isn't the right word but you understand what I'm trying to say, right? <P>Orchid,<BR>Up intil now, H has been almost completely distant. I thought maybe it was guilt. Going from that to all this in just a couple weeks can really be considered alot, can't it? I hope it's not that he's just starting to feel more comfortable with things being the way they are. <P>Lor,<BR>Thanks for the tip about exercising. I must admit that I don't do much of that. I'll try it! I was on Paxil for a little while but it didn't really help much at all. Of course, this was when I was as close to a mental breakdown as I ever want to come again. <P>Cherise,<BR>Thanks for your take on this. I don't sleep much at all either. I'll talk to my doctor about Wellbutrin and zoloft. Those are the ones I hear the most about. <P>Myownme,<BR>I'm trying so hard to be nothing but a loving wife. I really exploded this morning tho' as we were waiting for my son's school bus. He told me about how OW got ticked at him for Sun. I couldn't control my anger. I called OW every name in the book, told him specifically what things she's done that I find to be her way of manipulating him, got highly ticked when he told me she'd called my work, and so much more. It's not an LB to him though. At least I don't think so. He laughed but he wasn't laughing AT me. I think right now, the only LB is talking about "us." Oh and going off on him about our kids. Of course, if I handle that one calmly, he's ok. This isn't first time OW has let him have it about having contact with me...she's done it several times before. I thank God every time he tells me about it. <P>2tired2care, Thank you!<P>lifeismessy,<BR>I don't dare hope that he's considering coming back to us. At least 2 months of withdrawals?!!? Lord, this doesn't really get any easier does it? As for not talking bad about OW, see my reply to Myownme above. He doesn't care that I do that. I try not to do it often though. I try not to do it at all, actually, but sometimes I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. If he does come back, I'll try to keep in mind not to push. Thanks for your advice.<P>Thank you all for your advice and opinions. I really appreciate that you all took the time to reply. I continue to plan A even when I want to quit. Right now, I know that I'm not in the position (mentally) to make any decisions about giving up or not. I feel like it's hopeless but I try to remember that once I'm on meds, I'll be able to think more clearly. This is the main reason I posted today. I've made the decision to give up so many times over and I'm so glad that I don't see H often for I probably would've told him to keep his head up OW behind already. <P>I guess you can tell that I'm feeling better right now then when I first posted. Thanks to you all one more time. Your input is invaluable!!!<P>MS<P>