My H says one of the reasons his A happened was because I was so controlling of familial issues. But the more I think about it I realize it was only when he seemed to have lost interest in doing the things that needed to be done. Such as paying bills, doing yard work, house repairs etc. <BR> I think he was already in the EMA but perhaps hadn't gone as far as PA. <BR> We do make more choices together now, but is that because I am less 'controlling' or he is there again for his family and not out in limbo-bimbo land?

I would welcome opinions from both WS and BS on this one!!!

Cherise,<P>I'm a BS. I agree that my H went deeper into his A he let everything at home go and it was either do it myself or it not get done. You maybe on to something. My H had told me I had to much control too, even though he didn't want to pay the bills, write checks... doesn't seem to understand that someone has to do it. We to are working on doing it together.

Check out <A HREF="http://www.surrenderedwife.com" TARGET=_blank>www.surrenderedwife.com</A> and take the quiz. Do it twice... with then and now answers. It is all about being controlling, and shows ways to not be. It may give you some answers to the questions you asked. <P>Karen<BR>

Hey Cherise....glad to see you back.<P>While you were goin we went down this same road....called this syndrome the "underfunctioning H"....seems it fits a lot of the WH here....with the idea that the individual with the most invested in the marriage (in time..effort...etc) is usually the most committed to the relationship and the underfunctioning S is the most likely to have an affair. The underfunctioning S spends years not participating in the family, house, etc....then one day wakes up and says to himself "I'm not important here....I need to find someone who can appreciate me"....and an affair is borne.<P>Sound familar? If not then perhaps your WH's withdrawal was just distancing himself from the marriage because of OP.<BR>I know mine did...it was the only time in our whole marriage I have ever known him to be deliberately mean and cold (hard to get along with maybe...but not mean or nasty).<BR>Probably defense mechanism to protect them from guilt.<P>Faye

My H was very cold and nasty to me then, unfotunatly he still shows anger and sarcasm at what are unappropriate times. Something he would never have done in the eight years I knew him previous to the A.<BR> Topie, I have read the article you mentioned, but cannot follow the pinciples very well. I am too strong willed to even pretend to let him walk all over me, ever. I tried for a few days, but it did not work. I blew the night I asked him to stay with the boys because I had to work, one was sick and could not go to the sitter. He screamed at me that I was just trying to trap him into coming home. <BR>Oh well, old news. He is home now. But I worry that alot of issues still haven't been resolved.

Hi Cherise,<P>Oh to be accused of being controlling.. Hm.... pat excuse and grossly overused. For me, yes, I am the BS, giver, aka controller. Ya kno' in some companies that is a position that is looked up to. Hm.... Now when the controller is not controlling his territory, companies fold. Is that ok?<P>Enough scarcasism. Ok, so you are not able to fake. Then don't. It is not what but how you present yourself. <P>Oh yes, my quiet H yelled and accused me of being controlling. That is how the bills got paid, food on the table, clothes washed, house cleaned, etc. <P>So after taking all that for so long, I came to an agreement with H. Look, I will be less 'controlling' if you let explain to me what is too controlling. In other words, I no longer gave H the benefit of the doubt that we were speaking on the same level. You know, English and fogese have different definitions. So when put to the test, the definitions take on a very different direction. <P>Ah.... now we were getting somewhere and soon, the WS learned that I really wasn't controlling. RE: He could not come up with enough good reasons. Even in the fog, it did not stand up. How long did that take? About 3 weeks. Then the other reason came up. H told both OW and I that his W was no longer the reason for the A. A revelation. Note: I did not change much, pretty much still paid the bills, housekeeping, etc. Business as usual inspite of this A thing. Hm........ Now H told OW that it was him that was making trouble for his family. H was the 'bad guy'. Oh, OW did not want to know that her 'white knight' was a bad guy. Only OW's H was the bad guy...... Ws was near perfect...... really? Hm...... Another revelation..... Oh, now paradise was not as pretty. Guess too much naked truth... LOL!<P>Anyway, this is my take on how to handle the controlling issue. <P>Take care and thanks for your post. I will respond later, had trouble with the reply button on that thread. Computer's been doing screwy things today. <P>L. <P>