This may not apply to MB...but, I believe in a way it does. I wanted to ask you about your "critical" mother. I am a strong believer that what we have come from and how we were nurtured as children has a great effect on how we act in our marriages.<P>Did you find that after therapy and once your relationship with your husband changed...you relationship with your mother changed too? Did you gain strength to stand up to her being "critical" of you?<P>I responded to you on another post you wrote...but I think you must be off the board for a few days....Thanks!

to the top

Dear Susan,<P>I just returned home from our oldest son's football game. Sorry I couldn't reply sooner.<P>Yes, my relationship with my mother has changed. It is not so much that I stand up to her now. It is just that I do not accept her assessment of me.<P>I also realized that I had adopted her "critical" style in my relationship with my H and children. You can guess how my H reacted to that style. I have changed that style.<P>I believe that all change begins with awareness. When you are aware, you can then make a decision to change the subconscious mental rut and replace it with a positive new mental path.<P>I love my mother very much, and I know she loves me. She did the best she could with the habits she learned as a child. I am just hoping that the cycle will end with me.<P>Julie

Can you further elaborate on how you ceme to your conclusions? Once I refused to let my mother have the power over me we started not being able to get along. So, she quit calling me...and I quit calling her. It was one big fight...But the entire problem stemmed from the fact that she was always in control, always giving advice, always perfectionist and if I didn't comply HER way, she was unhappy.<P>She has gone for weeks without talking to me...but then today she called because she knew that we were leaving on a trip to see our son...and she hated for us to leave without speaking to me.<P>I am just about to the point that I think that the only way to have a relationship with her is NOT to have one.<P>I have changed and gotten much healthier. I now have a new sense of self esteem and strength. I feel that change to her is unfamiliar and it just causes us big problems.<P>How do you relate to your mother now and can you talk to her about it?

Dear Susan,<P>The most important thing my MC ever said to me was: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Although the statement was intended to apply to our marriage, the same is true in my relationship with my mother.<P>If my mother gives me advice that I reject, I do not argue with her about it. I do not attempt to convince her that she is wrong and I am right. I thank her for the advice and then simply do not follow it. If she asks why I have not followed her advice, I simply explain why.<P>When my mother does something I don't like, for instance going to my laundry room to do laundry on Christmas day while both of our families are celebrating at our house, I explain to her that I really do appreciate her help but would much rather she joined in the celebration. If she does not comply with my request, I no longer become angry. I no longer view her failure to comply as a rejection of me. I can no more control her than she can control me.<P>I think what helped me the most was trying to consider things from my mother's point of view and being understanding of how she became the person she is. My grandmother was a martyr and my grandfather was critical. My mother learned both roles well, as did I.<P>It has taken me more than a year to get to this point. For much of the last year, I have avoided having any contact with my mother.<P>I swear to you my mother is the queen of control. When I told her my H were having problems, she thought up all kinds of reasons why she must be to blame and kept giving me all kinds of advice. She was also certain that the MC was blaming her (and being defensive about it) while at the same time feeling she was to blame for every problem in my life. I finally, said, in a lighthearted way: "Mommy, I know you are the master of the universe, but our problems have nothing to do with you."<P>By the way, I am 42-years old and still call her "Mommy". How weird is that?<P>I really believe that control is at the heart of all of these issues. When you are finally able to see the people you love as they are and stop resenting and trying to change them, you can appreciate and love them.<P>I cannot change my mother. I do, however, love her. I also know that she loves me.<P>You are probably right on target. Your mother does not like the fact that you have taken control of your life. She probably does not like the fact that she no longer controls you. Change is difficult. However, if you continue to love her and show her that the change will not affect that love, I think she will come around. I bet that she wants you to be happy. If she sees you as a strong and happy person, she will adjust.<P>Good luck.<P>Julie<P>

Thanks...this is very helpful...I'm afraid I am at the stage of having nothing to do with her right now. My therapist recommended two very good books, but I have read everything I can get my hands on. Toxic Parents, Bold Love, Emotional Blackmail...etc. All of these are very good. I think that I probably have a library almost as large as my therapist!<P>I felt like I was never making my mother happy. She was always controlling...but so critical, and nothing I did was good enough.<P>She says mean and hurtful things. I learned that I lived in another kind of fog (not the fog of an affair), but Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. What kind of way is that for me to have a relationship with someone? always feeling and reacting to these three emotions...<P>It helps a lot, but I think that I must limit my contact with my mother for a time while I am learning to control my reactions. Also she must learn that I will not tolerate those hurtful blowups that happen just because I am not doing exactly what she expects.<P>My mother is different from yours in that she does not blame everything on HERSELF, she blames everything on ME....

Dear Susan,<P>I think distancing yourself from her is probably the best option now. I had to. While in the process of discovery, contact with her was just too painful.<P>Actually, blaming herself is just a sneaky way to gain control. She blames herself and I feel bad. I feel bad, so I do things her way.<P>I handle the outright blame much better. I listen and silently reject, if appropriate.<P>You are likely in a very emotional state at the moment. Give things some time. As you heal, your relationship with your mother will likely also heal.<P>Julie

That is just the thing...I feel that we are healed. We have been in recovery for two years now. We did two years of individual and joint therapy. As I grew stronger and healthier, I could see where she was unhealthy and where our relationship was unhealthy. <P>When I started NOT always doing things the way that they had always been done, that is when the problems started.

Dear Susan,<P>Sorry, I was on a long post to Cali.<P>I don't know. What does your counselor say? <P>Can you Plan B your mother? Can you tell her that you will no longer tolerate her controlling behavior, that you love her, but you must be able to live your own life? Can you tell her that until she decides to let go, you will have to distance yourself from her? Would she agree to joint counseling?<P>Just some thoughts, I have no answers. I do, however, understand how painful this is.<P>Julie

The counselor says that sometimes you do have to detach or disconnect. She said sometimes you get even by disconnecting which you do by thinking objectively and rationally. And that I should hold the relationship to the same standard I would hold other friends....a two way relationship of trust, respect, communication and acceptances. I have beat myself up and second guessed myself for years where my mother is concerned. There was something in a book that I read that said "God wants me to get better worse than he wants me to forgive.<P>I can't communicate with my mother. She does NOT listen. My husband even tried to talk to her and tell her that whenever there was a problem between two people, that ONE person was never all at fault. It was always the fault of both in some way or another. She did not listen to him...all she did was go on and on about what she thinks I have done wrong the past 15 years. My sister says she writes all of this stuff down! Can you believe that? Some of the things she is still talking about I cannot even remember!<P>Do you live close to New Orleans at all? I live about an hour and a half from there.<P>

Dear Susan,<P>Gee, I wish I lived close to New Orleans. I had turtle soup at Nola's that made me moan. Unfortunately, I am stuck in the midwest.<P>I think you should listen to your counselor. She knows you better than I could. If distance works, try distance. <P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<P>Julie<P>

Thanks...My counselor is very wise...I am really lucky to have her....<P>hummmm...I read about you being Miss Madison County cheerleader, and it scared me...thought you lived really close to me!!!

I think this "mother/daughter" thing is a universal thing with a lot of mothers and daughters. My counselor recommended the book Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood to me. It was an interesting read.

Dear Susan,<P>I will read it! Can you imagine if we could figure out this mother-daughter thing how happy our lives might be! I say let's go for it. Let's be happy, whether our mothers approve of our happiness or not.<P>I am 42-years old and am still seeking my mother's approval. I am seeking the approval of the mother who, as I was about to graduate from law school said: "Well, Julie, if you don't find a job as a lawyer, you can always be a legal secretary." How incredibly sick is that? I spent 6 years of my life making it through college and law school for my mother to tell me I could be a legal secretary! In her mind she was "supporting" me.<P>Again, if we are able to figure out this mother-daughter mystery, we could be healthy. I say, even if we can't, we should be healthy.<P>Stay away from her if it makes you crazy.<P>Love,<P>Julie<P>

Sounds like my mother...for some reason she cannot imagine the very best for me....Like your mother thinking you could be a legal secretary.<P>I worked for a very large hospital and I really did do a good job. I was praised for my work and efforts. When I had my evaluation they said "we never do this, we had to ask permission to do this, but we are giving you 100% satisfaction...a PERFECT score on your evaluation"... I guess that meant I was doing well enough that they did not know of any area I needed to improve. Your yearly raise is based on your evaluation too.<P>I was so happy and excited. I shared the good news with my mother. She immediately said "oh, that can't be right...nobody is perfect"<P>Burst my bubble...but, yes, I AM going to be happy.<P>Thanks for the kind words.