My H is undecided about coming back home, we have been separated for a little over a month. We are going to counseling and have only had 1 visit. He told our therapist he is going there because he's not sure if he wants to come back or not and therapy will make up his mind. I'm going to counseling because I want to make this marriage work. I called our therapist yesterday and left a message saying that I feel we are going there for 2 different reasons. Was I wrong for calling and going against my husband because he doesn't know I called. And secondly, I wrote him a letter last night and mailed it this morning. Basically I said that I can't figure out what I have done so bad in our marriage that has him confused about wanting to come back. I didn't cheat on him and he didn't cheat on me, we had communication problems and argued. I have been working on my problems but it seems that he doesn't want to even give this marriage a chance. Was I wrong for also sending him that letter?

Depends on the tone of your letter.....<P>My H has written me letters and e-mails on several occasions and I must tell you I just dreaded getting them.<P>Theres a post on here by HurtTired, about a letter he sent his WS. <P>How a WS reacts to a letter depends on what you say in it. Most WS don't want a big emotional outpouring. And I really felt uncomfortable because I knew I couldn't respond in a way that would make my BS happy. And there was this big expectation of some kind of response.<P>Want to say more about your letter?<BR>A lot of people post their letters to get input before sending.

The letter I wrote my H consisted of this:<P>I have contributed to some of our problems in our marriage. Those problems, "my" problems I have been working on. Along with the mistakes I've made, I'm learning from them. Our marriage wasn't perfect, I don't know of a perfect marriage. I think we started to forget what mattered the most in our marriage and that was making each other happy. You lost love and feelings for me because I caused you pain and stress, I wasn't making you happy. In order to regain the love and feelings again, respect and happiness needs to be there between us. It can happen and we can both rebuild what was lost. I don't know what I have done to make you undecided about me and our marriage. The only thing I know is that I'm working at things and I want to prove to you that I can be a better wife and person to you, someone I wasn't before. Our marriage can work as long as we both work at it. All I ask is that you give me, us and our marriage a chance.

Dear ela611,<P>I don't see anything wrong with your letter, did your husband respond? Since you both have not been involved in any affairs, I don't see why he wouldn't want to give you a chance, esp. since you are willing to allow whatever changes need to be made to continue.<P>Read all you can about affair-proofing your marriage. This site has A LOT to offer. It is helping us tremendously. Be encouraged, okay? Try not to allow despair to creep into your thoughts.<P>Here's an article that I found for you that might help. Stick around! You'll learn a lot about communication here!<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html" TARGET=_blank>How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage</A>

Ela, I wanted to share something with you about myself that may/may not be relevant.<P>My H wanted "out" of our marriage for quite some time, but never had the ba**s to do it until he met OW. I tried my hardest prior to OW, saying things like in your letter, but nothing worked. My H refused counseling and so we got nowhere and eventually the affair happened...<P>Now, My H is telling me that he just wanted out. Part of it was me and my controlling nature, and part of it was just his dissatisfaction with his life and the way he was towards the kids. He wanted to run away and OW allowed him to do that.<P>He was confused when she first came into the picture and I basically drove him further into her arms by becoming Miss Control Freak, trying to make him believe it could work out between us and using disrespectful judgements to try and get him to see things my way...<P>None of it worked. Only him going and being with her, realizing what a horrible mistake he had made and how special I really was to him fixed things... Oh, how I wished that we could have got counseling prior to OW and fixed everything, but honestly, I don't think it would have helped.<P>My husband needed to learn how special the kids and I were to him and he did that by making a series of some pretty horrendous mistakes. Nothing else made it click for him.<P>I hope counseling can give your H the kick he needs, but it might not. You may need to just let go and hope he figures things out for himself... He needs to want you and your marriage back, you can't force him to feel that. All you can do is try to plan A to give yourself a bit of an edge...<P>BTW, I liked your letter, as long as you aren't bugging him daily about it or frequently sending them to harass him, then I think it was an awesome idea to send it. I hope it makes a difference...<P>My 2 cents,<BR>HbH

Everyone - thanks for your replies. My H was just over a little while ago. We were suppose to go out tonight but he worked late and has alot to do plus there are problems with his car that need fixed. He said he promised that we would go out Tuesday. We talked for a while and he said that we need to continue going to counseling just so he can understand his problems and that he will be back but he just needs time. I will give him the space he needs and back off. I told him that I have been working on my problems and understanding myself and what I have done to bring the marriage to where it is today. He also said that he wants to spend more time with me so we can work on things together. I guess this is a good sign and big turning point for the both of us. I have been keeping a positive outlook on things but some days I just break down.<P>I have a feeling that my husband is starting to come around little by little because when he left he gave me a big, long hug (something he hasn't done since he left over a month ago).