I have been struggling because I don't know where I stand with my H. He is home, but has not really stated why...or that there is some level of commitment, and, quite frankly, I have been afraid to ask....<P>I have also been blown away by his question (in the middle of intimacy) of "Did you do this with someone this weekend?" in regards to my being at a weekend conference...I really didn't think he'd care...<P>I have written to him that "he can leave, and I'll find someone to take care of me and the boys and love me the way I deserve to be loved." (in Vegas)...as well as admitted to being curious about "what it would be like to be with someone else."<P>I have also been struggling with not being hurt when he turns his face away from me and won't let me kiss him on the lips...I know I am the only one who can decide to be hurt by this or not...but it is still hard.<P>This a.m. he turned his face away and I asked him why...he gave some noncomittal answer about me knowing why...I said that I wouldn't be asking if I understood..."why am I good enough to F*** and not good enough to kiss?" He never answered. I asked about his question...did he really think that I would be with someone else? He said, "You know that what you say influences me..." I said that I couldn't believe he really thought that I could go out there and have sex with some stranger...<P>I said, "I love you and am committed to you...end of story...I'll admit to being curious, but have no intention of acting on that curiosity."<P>And I continued..."it's not really sex you need to worry about...it's the kissing and the affection...that's what I crave...that's where I am getting seriously empty..." Then he asked why I got so mad when he tried to tell me how to kiss...(we'd been married about a year or so...so this was about 10 yrs ago)...I said that I wasn't in the same place mentally as I am now..."and besides where was I going to get the experience, if not from him...Is that what you want? for me to go out and kiss a bunch of men to learn??? I AM DIFFERENT NOW...teach me..."<P>I gave him LOTS of wait time and he still didn't say anything more...and it was time to get ready for work...so I left it there...<P>Did I do okay???<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Wow, I don't know what to say. I am like you. I crave the affection. I've started to really let go over the last few days. I sometimes WISH my H would FU** me because I could use some of that! He has no interest in any of it. He says he's not "there" emotionally. I don't think there's anything wrong with being honest. Between you and me, I'm SICK AND TIRED of having to watch what I say because it might push him further away. They get to hurt us and say whatever they're feeling, why isn't it the same for us. I'm starting to hope that I push the BAST*** right out the door! I totally understand your being curious about other men. I certainly am. I never tell him though. I don't particularly think he'd care. He doesn't care about anyone right now but himself. I think you did good!

Cali<P><BR>I can understand your feelings completely. It seems as though they think it is ok for them to have a sexual and emotional affair but if they get the thought that you might have been with someone else or available to someone else, it takes on a whole new light.<P>I understand your need to have him be affectionate. I know your desire to have him kiss you. My h also said he doesnt like the way that I kiss. He too told me I tried to get you to change several years ago but I wasnt receptive.<P><BR>I never knew that he didnt like it that much. He never told me directly until after the a. <P><BR>Now he will tell me that it is as much as a feeling of closeness than it is technique. It seems that since we have grown distant, then his a, and now my pain and working towards recovery, he doesnt understand how important this need is to me.<P><BR>I too have told him to teach me and he says he doesnt know how. I have told him that it is important to me and to work with me, but to no avail. I am hoping that as time goes on and we get closer that this too will improve and that he will get that "feeling" with me.<P>As far as your communication with him, I think you did just fine. I beleive that it is important that you share with him your feelings and thoughts. That you express to him the desire to learn and understand what you can do / change to meet his needs and wants.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by ZZZ4991 (edited August 30, 2001).]

WOW!<BR>You seem to do good with this honesty stuff.<P>I think this is another case where he told you something important rather than just blowing you off. <P>BUT... He asked you a question that you avoided answering. (assuming you didn't leave too much out of your narrative)<BR>----<BR> " Then he asked why I got so mad when he tried to tell me how to kiss... "<BR>----<BR>What place were you in mentally (at that time)? (don't need to tell us, just him) This actually is something that you can take responsibility for (and apologize if nec.?). <P>It sounded to me like you sidestepped and then went on the offensive to put HIM on the spot.<P>This affection thing is THE BIG ISSUE for you. I don't want to be too much of a bummer here because it really looked like he said something real. Has he really withheld affection that long? Another trigger for me here, sorry (way too long of a story).<P>--Jeffers

Hi Cali,<P>I've been experiencing something similar....as you know, I was still having 'sex' with my WH while we were separated - 'no strings attatched' (!!!!) - and yet he wouldn't show affection towards me at any other time, wouldn't hold my hand, wouldn't say he loved me etc., He said that these things were very personal and that they didn't 'feel right' at that stage. I felt the same way as you do - How can it be OK to have sex with me, and yet not OK to hold my hand?<P>After he had made the decision to move back in with me, things gradually started to improve. About 2-weeks ago he reached for my hand in Church and I just burst into tears because I knew that he finally felt ready to do that, and it wasn't just 'forced' or 'fake' affection. A week ago, when I whispered 'I love you' in his ear, and then braced myself for the inevitable reply of 'I know', he suprised me by actually replying 'I love you too' - again I cried because I knew he meant it. Last night he returned from a short business trip and I noticed that he had finally put his wedding ring back on. What I'm trying to say Cali, is that these things will happen, but it will take time - and when they do happen you will know that they really mean something, and that will be a very special moment. I know how painful it is to tell someone how much you love them - and get nothing in return, but bear with it, keep it up - your love will be returned eventually. Look how far you've come already - you are doing brilliantly. I keep hearing that song on the radio that goes "Someday things will go your way, so hold on for one more day, hold on....." It's sort of become my 'theme tune' and I think about those words whenever my faith starts to wane!<P>Loads of hugs,<BR>Paint.

Hi Cali, just got to your post now (been busy spending time with H...).<P>I think you did good with radical honesty. It's good you did not follow him and harass him when he did not answer (my pitfall). <P>Instead of saying "he can leave" (it's like you are giving him permission - more control stuff), try saying that you will accept if he chooses to leave...<P>Not much else. HUGS<BR>HbH