I found this while reading MSNBC... <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR> ...distinction between secrets and privacy needs to be made. Everyone needs privacy at times — that’s why there are doors on bathrooms. Everyone has unkind, frightening, inappropriate or even gross thoughts from time to time and those certainly don’t need to be shared. Such private thoughts don’t necessarily add or detract from the quality of a relationship.<P> Then there are secrets that are not central to your relationship. As an individual, each partner needs to have separate relationships with family and friends. Secrets will come up in these outside connections. And, yes, it’s OK to keep these confidences from a partner — whether it’s what Aunt Mattie got Uncle Eric for his birthday or if Sally is having an affair with the guy three desks over. <BR> <BR> <BR> But it is the big secrets involving a partner that are relationship-eroders. They carry with them guilt, shame and anticipated judgment. The carrier of the secret is convinced that revealing the awful burden will result in ridicule, brow-beating, censure or abandonment. Thus, two forces are holding the door to the secret shut: self-judgment and fear of the judgment of others...<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BR>For the whole article and a chance to post your comments to the editor / Doctor, click to ... <A HREF="http://www.msnbc.com/news/619941.asp" TARGET=_blank>http://www.msnbc.com/news/619941.asp</A> <P>I'd like to see what everyone else thinks after youv'e read the article.<P>Any takers?<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

This message is VERY true!!! There certainly are things that are better kept secret - like what your friend did to her ex, etc... But too many people blur the lines between the secrets that are okay to have and the secrets that will ruin a relationship...Thank you for posting this message - I am going to forward it to my H and let him "marinate" in the message for a while!!!

Wow H2U,<P>Thanks a lot. I read your article and just got off the phone with Dr Cooper's office. He is on vacation and will be back next week. Guess what he is in my area!!!! Ooops now you all know where I am. Oh well.....<P>I am going to ask him what services his office offers. I will keep you informed if you want. <P>This was a very helpful article. Yes, there is a BIG difference between privacy and secrets. The WS and OPs like to use that interchangeably but use that same logic on them and they tend to go ballistic. <P>Thanks again for your research.... By the way, how are you doing? <P><BR>Take care,<BR>L. <P>

I disagree with one of the situations the author of the article posted.. and that is the one of "if Sally is having an affair with the guy three desks over." I think that keeping a secret of this nature from your spouse if "Sally" has an influence in your life is wrong, especially if she is any sort of friend.<P>And now.. I NOW believe in keeping company with friends and coworkers that are going to benefit my marriage and not harm it or influence my marriage in a negative way. Of course, I am only now speaking this from learning what those negative influences of my beliefs, friends and coworkers had over me prior to my W's affair. <P>An example of the guys wanting to go out to a men's club.. and me go with them was wrong (as I see it now, but not back then).. and because they were my buddies, they influenced my love indirectly with my wife and hers with mine. I learned the hard way.. and still am learning today how to be respectful of her feelings and emotions.. even if she isn't here to see it. <P>Somethings I have seen over time that disturbed me as a Husband. I think the same goes with those weekend hunting trips and getaway's with the 'boys'. I never thought to ask how it affected my marriage. Although I never went on any sort of weekend or anyother type of getaway's with friends.. I see my brothers and other friends and people doing this to their wives and girlfiends.<P>2 years ago.. it was the opening of DEER season.. I had seen several trucks and ATV's headed for the hills. It was chilly out and I stopped at a gas station to refuel. Next to me was a Jeeep Grand Cherokee filled with older, beautifully made up.. warmly dressed women. They were having a really good time.. alcohol involved and the like. The lady that was pumping gas across from me.. looked at me and smiled. I knew that she was trouble to begin with... I had noticed on the windows of her Jeep, that it was written in white shoepolish... "It's <B>DEAR</B> Hunting season... We're <B>DEAR</B> Hunting or Bust.<P>I kinda figured that all of these women's husbands were now out of town hunting actual DEER, (although I have known men to use 'these' seasonal events for hunting 'white tail' instead of something for the dinner table).. and their wives were going to spend the next few days "looking" for DEAR..or men.<P>It may have been a disrespectful judgement on my part.. but when I pointed out to the slightly older lady that she had spelt DEER with an "A" instead of a "EE", she pointed out to me that.. "hey our husbands are hunting white tail.. so where hunting white tail." And she laughed. Now to me at that point in time it was pretty disgusting, and this was before my W's affair. <P>It saddened me some.. but then I had to remember that men do crap like this all the time. So, I'm glad "I" don't have friends or coworkers anymore that "influence" me in decisions I make at home. <P>In closing.. but open for debate and comment.., I feel that those type of secrets that hide underlying grounds of infidelity, drug/narcotic/alcoholic abuse, health issues, money issues, LYING, parenting issues.. et al., do not fall under the grounds of Privacy.. and should never be held under the rules of Secrecy.<P>Did those women's husbands know that they painted <I>in my view...</I> "Sluts for the taking, or Bust" on the side of that jeep? Probably not. Was that a secret or privacy issue? Which ever it was .. it was still wrong, just as wrong, for their husbands to leave them at home.. to their own means of loneliness.<P>I think that radical Honesty and Openness are the way to go and Secrecy and Privacy have little room in a GREAT/GOOD marriage.<P>If I have a journal.. and I don't want my wife to read it.. its because I have something in there I don't want her to see. If I don't want her to see it and what there's in it... that I don't want her to know about.. then why bother even putting it on paper. It creates what the Author talked about.. animosity.. Your already being deceiving with your thoughts.. because your not being TOTALLY honest with your spouse.<P>My computer is far game. IS IT my virtual private journal? ISN'T what I do on it and write into its memory my business?<P>HELL NO..<P>Especially if what I have on it would damage the love my wife has for me, and create insecurity and animosity in her heart.<P>If she wants to go through it.. she can. But when she does.. she can scrutinize every file and those she thinks are suspicous or that I'm hiding.. she has a right to be concerned about, SHE needs to ask me what they are and tell me that she is uneasy with what it may contain.<P>How she handles herself when she finds something is important to how I react also. If I'm wrong.. I'll tell her, everytime. Of course.. the animosity and insecurities that are created in her mind by my past history, I have to take into accountibility... and that's a hard pill swallow and win the trust back.<P>Now I'm rambling.. <P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

H2Y,<P>I agree, The secrete about a personal friend or co-worker having an A, might be good to keep from others at work but not from your spouce. I feel that the people you interact with definately have and influence in your actions, especially when it's a close friend. <P>I had a situation once, where I had a friend that was unfaithful to his W, and he tried to influence me to do the same. I was very tempted to do just that, but I felt guilty just wanting to have an A, so I went to my W and explained everything to her, It was the best thing I could have done for both me and the W. After I spilled everything, I no longer felt the urge to have an A. Now, I only wish my W would have come to me when she was having those feelings.<P>A similar situation, My W's ex-best friend was a huge influence on my W, she would always tell my W that she was sure that I was unfaithful. I think she was trying to justify my W's A, so my W wouldn't fell so guilty. I know her friend actually went out on a double date with my W and the OM. That, in my mind, Is hard evidence to the fact that this "friend" supported my W's A, if not encouraged it. My W even admitted to having held OM's hand on the date and her "friend", who still claims no part in it, saw the hand holding and said nothing.<P>What do you think, If a friend is encouraging you to be unfaithful, for what ever reason, should you keep it a secrete, I don't think so. I think your spouce should know just about everything, except for the thoughts that go through your head that you don't tell any one about because they'll think your crazy (maybe I am), unless the thought won't be destructive.