Disclaimer---I am putting my story here for the sole purpose of getting constructive criticism and helpful advice. I am a WS who has decided to stay home and work on my M, but I am struggling massively. So, if you are a hurting BS, please don't read this unless you want to try to understand what one (only one, maybe not your own) WS is experiencing-if it helps you understand your WS, great--if it's only gonna make the pain greater for you to hear this---please, please,please, don't read it---I've already hurt enough people.<P>That said here goes...<P>We have been M for 15 yrs....dated for 4 b4 that (when we were both 18). 2 kids - boy:11, girl:6 (the OW's data is very similar to mine)<P>My Faimly history:<P>Raised in a family where anger was a problem---raging dad a lot of the time--for no reason usually---I became a huge conflict avoider, and a rescuer.<P>My W raised in a family where emotion was not allowed or expressed or understood or talked about---we're talking Stepford Wives territory and that is not a stretch...I could tell you some stories you wouldn't believe unless you saw them---I did when we were dating and since. Consequently, my W learned to not even have emotions--really those are her own words---also, she is and has been threatened by emotions that go beyond the pleasantries of "how are you doing?" in a social setting.<P>About 3 yrs into m, we had a miscarriage--I don't think she ever dealt with that. She wouldn't talk about it...express anything...I was concerned--I asked her how she was..told her it was ok to be sad or mad or whatever..nope-no feelings, nothing---just accept it and move on---don't dwell on it.<P>From that point on, I realized that what was so attractive in her to me was that by not expressing any desire or emotion or upset or anything---well I got to have the confilict avoiding marriage that I wanted---I steered way clear of any kind of marriage like my parents--explosive, yelling, confrontational, threatening, scary....I would avoid that at all costs...well, I did. By marrying someone who was totally incapable of expressing anything, well, guess what? - no conflict---can't have conflict if there's only one person expressing anything.<P>Well, needless to say...it has backfired...I have grown over the last few years into someone who isn't afraid of conflict---I learned my lesson: conflict does not mean I need to be threatened---though I had learned that as a kid...when my parents had conflict, I was threatened cause I thought my whole world (family) was coming to an end. I know that isn't true.<P>My Wis very dependent upon me---she was drawn to me cause I was alive (=had emotions)...that is what she wanted to be like....she has always felt (she said so) that I was the key to her becoming a real "feeling person" - well, as a rescuer, my ego was stroked to the max....here was a poor girl who didn't know how to feel, and I was gonna "fix her"--we all know the pitfalls of that one, but hey...I was 18, a virgin and never had a really serious g-friend... par tof me figured, hey you're all of 18 and never had anyone love you like this....better grab her and not let go....it may never happen again---we all also know the fallacy of that one---hindsight 20/20!<P>What was so great now became a burden....what was no conflict was now a dry marriage that by definition could not be an intimate one...as I came out of my conflict avoider shell, I began to address these issues---but her reaction was to withdraw---big time (this is about 2 yrs ago)<P>During the last 2 yrs - b4 I even knew the OW, I tried everything---asked her to go to counseling--she went 2x, then said it was all my own problem--since she was OK and I wasn't...I tried to talk to her...she had anxiety attacks, because she couldn't deal with the stress...I gave her space and she never came back....I asked her on many occasions what she wanted (in life, in marriage, from me, etc)...she said she didn't know---she didn't think about what was missing because that was negative thinking...you know, glass half full stuff...so if I wasn't happy, I'm just a negative person. I was out of ideas...<P>Then, last Labor Day wknd (exactly 1 yr ago, wow) I told her I'd try something else...I told her I knew she couldn't deal with my ups and downs emotionally...I knew she was tired of hearing about my dreams and frustrations...my desires (she has always voiced fear that she isn't enough for me, that's why she doesn't want to hear what I want...she's afraid she might not measure up---talk about self-fulfilling prophecy, huh?)...So I told her I'd leave her alone til Christmas...at that time she could let me know if it helped...if she needed more time...if she wanted me to be like that all the time....whatever....my goal was this: TO GIVE A LIFE WHERE SHE COULD FEEL HAPPY, COMFORTABLE, LOVED... that's all I've ever wanted--really.<P>Well, Xmas came and went...nothing...no comment, no thank-you...no recommendation..nothing....<P>So I did something that I admit wasn't fair...I let it go...I decided to see how long she would let it go like this....I guess the reason was that she seemed happier and more relaxed....but I was dying on the inside and starting to crack... I felt like this is what she wants and I can't do it.....she was happy as can be in a marriage that was nothing more than roomates---sex 1x per month (I told her I would initiate nothing (emotionally as well as physically)...I told her specifically (lest there be any misunderstanding) that I loved her and wanted her every night...so I was willing whenever she wanted, and all she needed to do was say so). I guess I felt she rejected who she knew I was and really wanted me to be someone who I wasn't...she knew how hard it was for me to basically shut off all thos parts of me that she couldn't deal with....but nonetheless....that is what she wanted---and still wants I believe.<P>It was a couple of months after Xmas that the EA started then became a PA in April...to sum it up...the OW loves me--the real me---the emotional one----it is exactly what she has been lacking in her marriage too-- <P>My W has at best met my #1 (affection), #6 (attractive spouse), #7 (family commitment), and #9 (recreational companion) ENs<P>The OW meets ALL my top 6 including the ones I have lacked my whole marriage: #2 (openess/honesty), #3 (communication), #4 (sexual fulfillment), and #5 (admiration) - As much as I know her, she would meet all 10 - she has a professional career (#10-$ support), my W never finished college and hasn't worked in 12 yrs (kids-our decision, I know) -- she runs a better household (#8-domestic support) than my W (kids, discipline, household chores - she (OW) asks her H to help...mine just accepts the reality that I'm probably too busy - so she doesn't even ask...doesn't robs me of the chance to show her some love and support--she's too afraid to ask - so is her whole family)....it's too much and not fair to compare the two...<P>My W and her H know everything except how many times we made love and how great it was---they both know how much we love each other, and how much we feel we are giving up by doing the right thing and staying in our marriages...yet they both can't bear the thought of losing us more than the thought of living with someone who loves someone else...<P>The only other thing our spouses don't know is that we are still in contact---I am OK telling my W, but OW is afraid she will get tossed out and really doesn't want her M to end, yet....<P>We both are Christian (regardless what some might think), both know what we have done is wrong---absolutely unjustifiable----that we have to stay in our marriages for the kids sake....that we can't see each other or be physical at all--- But we also are clinging to the hope that one day---not by our own acting to be together---that some day we may both happen to be free to pursue a relationship with each other---one which can't be based on how we feel now....we have to give that up---it is wrong and destructive---- <P><BR>Both couples are in counseling and making progress to the degree that we are able to live amicably in our marriages---but the huge hole left in our lives by not being together is not going away...in fact it may be growing as our spouses try desperately to keep us by becoming someone they really aren't----is it fair to do this to them??? I don't think it is----it just seems like all 4 of us are forcing things a little too much....<P>If there are more questions, please ask<P>We are both struggling every day over this, thanks for any help<P>
