H is so unrecognizable. He's not the man I married (says it's my fault but I guess part of that is true) but it's devastating to look at this man I've known for 18 years and see a stranger. Apart from the betrayal, I think that is what hurts the most. It's seeing him and not knowing who he is anymore...I don't love this new person at all. If and when he finally leaves, I wonder if he'll recover himself. I want to help him but he doesn't want help from me. <P>Oh, I feel so very much alone today. I guess long weekends do that even though we're socially busy, I can't help thinking that each time will be the last time as a family.<P>Sorry to ramble...

T,<BR>just want you to know I know what ya mean. It really boggles my mind to see this totally different man... the way he works, the way he interracts with family, me, friends, his attitude, his physical appearance.....<P>Hang in there this weekend. It IS hard.... enjoy every minute that you can....

Hey F1, Nice to hear from you...he's just SO self-centred right now. His looks, clothes, activities, etc. take precedence over everything including our daughter. I hope one day to find that same guy I fell in love with...it is a special kind of mourning isn't it?

Hi T,<P>I can totally relate. H changed into something else. I asked him after about 5 months to please go and find my real H and ask him to come home. I wanted to give my real H a big hug and kiss and if I needed to say goodbye. I told WS that he was the only one who could find my real H. <BR>WS agreed. <P>I am seeing signs of my real H returning. Not sure where the WS is going but I hope he disappears and never returns. <P>Take care, this stuff takes time. <P>L.

Hey Orchid, Good to hear from you...did you have your talk? How are you doing?<P>It's nice to hear that your H agreed to being lost. My H still thinks he's fine. It's me that makes him someone different. I wish I could help him but I guess only he can help himself if he really wants to...<P>

Hi Terrified,<P>My XH is also someone else. I know how you feel. Personally, I believe the influence of OW plays a part in their personality change. I know my H talks and acts very much like OW. Makes me believe my H doesn't have a personality of his own anymore. <P>Just know you're not alone.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 01, 2001).]

Hi R, Nice to know you're around...funny you say that about the OW's personality. My H sang her praises (around d-day) saying she was a very good person?, very much like me in ways, would never want to hurt anyone intentionally, just a real unexplainable connection??!!. I remember calling her when I first found out and hearing her cold voice tell me that she was just a consequence, that the rest is between my husband and myself. She said that so evenly and even asked me to call her at home instead of on her cell so we could talk (she's overseas!).

Hey T,<P>If OW had any morals she wouldn't allow herself to be a "consequence" to someone else's marital probs.<P>She's justifying her position as an affairee. Making HERSELF believe it's alright to be involved with a married man because there are supposed probs in the marriage anyway (at least according to WS), so why not. If she didn't tell herself this, then she'd have to admit to herself that it's wrong and she's contributing to the marriage break up. Another form of denial.<P>Who the hell assigned her as the consequence designator of your marriage anyway??? <P>Jo<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 01, 2001).]

Hi,<P>Same reply I got. When H delivered my first contact letter to OW, she said their was not issue for her, the problem resided between H & W not her. Oh yea, she already had sex with H and was claiming to be preg for the 1st time but I did not even know that yet. .... Hmmm...... Did they learn this excuse in OP classI or OP classII? <P>L.

Hi T what you have said hits the nail on the head, i to am living with a complete stranger.<BR>After 26 years (21 M) i just dont know this cold hard indifferent person hes become, i loved him sooo much but now im not sure i even like him.<BR>Why im even trying to save M is beyond me at yhe moment???<BR>Must be getting harder i havent cried all week and thats the first time i can say that in 14 months.<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>After 26 years (21 M) i just dont know this cold hard indifferent person he's become, <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi, everyone. I really needed this thread today! In reference to the above quote....my H IS another person, BUT not the "cold, hard, indifferent person" described above. My H is a "happy-go-lucky enjoying his new life" guy!! Complete opposite of what I wanted to have happen! <P>Faith, good to see you, lil sis! Yes, H is a "new man" and it's scary.....my g/f talked to him for a little bit the other night about a legal matter that isn't cleared up yet for us, and after talking w/him, she phoned me to inform me that "your H has <B>moved to a new chapter</B> and why didn't I just understand it was time to let it go?!?! HUH?!?! I just calmly told her it didn't matter WHAT chapter he was on, I was right here. She went on to inform me further that <B> it took a lot and was a big step</B> for him to want to <B>clear up this old business before beginning his new life</B> and I should see that it's his way of moving away now.<P>I totally disagree!! When he left, he didn't CARE about any "old business" - and I see his willingness now to work on "old business" as his way of <I>stepping up to his responsibilities a little bit</I> (and yes, this was a big step for him, so that tells me the fog is lifting in some areas) and be willing to work on stuff he left unfinished.<P>O., Hun, how are you?? Sounds like things are moving V-E-R-R-R-Y S-L-O-W-W-W-L-Y!! Hang in there!!<P>R- I know my H needs someone to lean on AT ALL TIMES....so if he's acting "like a fun guy and everything's OK" then he's getting those messages from OW. It's OK. When I talk to him, he wants to chat about just "nothing" so I know that's a need I can still meet!! Our M restoration will happen. Just needs time for her to get tired of "carrying" him all the time and her to try to make him into what SHE wants him to be, and him to want to go back to just being himself.....it'll happen. <P>Sorry if I stepped onto someone else's thread with my venting, but my g/f had me going the other night. With friends like that, "who needs enemies" right? Well, turns out she OD'd on the wrong prescription meds, so she's just lucky she made it through the night! As for me, I learned a good lesson for myself. I didn't let myself get sucked in to what she was saying (for once). In other words, "QUIT LOOKING AT THE CIRCUMSTANCES" - I beleive God is going to bring my H back. MY OLD H!! Period. End of story.<P>Lupo