I posted a short description yesterday of my circumstances as the BS. I am having great difficulty in dealing with this. My doctor has put me on antidepressents and sleep medication. The sleep medication doesn't seem to work, and the antidepressant seems to be making me shaky with loss of fine motor control. I am hoping that these symptoms will pass but my depression is as bad or worse than ever. I have shared my story with only my business partner and my pastor. I have been hoping to keep the loop small in hopes that things can be worked out, but in the meantime I am deparately lonely and afraid. Both my business partner and pastor are out of town for the next few days, and I am feeling the full weight of my aloneness. I am hoping that by just typing these feelings out will help me to recognize and deal with them. I am at work now, where I work alone. I have lost about 20 pounds over the last 4 weeks, and still have no appetite. It is close to time for me to go home, and I don't want to go, but also can't stay away. I guess I am just asking for prayers to help sustain me in the next few days. Thanks to whomever may be listening<P>BrokenH

It's very difficult when you feel you have no one to confide in, to talk this out with. Upon discovery, I had one friend I felt I could trust and understood. But she too soon tired of my constant crying and questions. Thankfully, I found this board. Post here, vent, ask for a shoulder and suggestions. And read. Read, read, read. All parts of this site and check others too. Check the suggested book list, go to your local library and read these books. I know you don't want to sit down and read right now but you'll be amazed at the wealth of information about adultery and relationships that is out there. Very helpful. My favorite was "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. That book made me understand that the wild crazy emotions I was experiencing were normal. I was not losing it. <P>Have you checked into counseling? Whether or not your H wants to go,,go for yourself. I was extremely hesitant about going but I did and it really did help alot. <P>

I'm sorry that I did not include some additional information so that others would know a little more. I am the H, and my wife is the WS. I guess I also want to add that I am spending so much time thinking about how, why, and what should I have done differently. Could or should I have seen it coming and failed to react? I am not getting any answers.<P>BrokenH

BrokenHeart--<P>I too have felt alone many times. I have only told a few people but they have been a very big source of strength for me. I don't get to do too much posting and reading here at this site but it is very good. The people here are all going through the same things we are. Listen and learn from them. The books are great too.<P>As far as your anti-depressant goes--maybe your doc has you on too strong of one. I have been on two different ones. As a nurse I know that different people respond differently to different meds. Tell your doc the symptoms you are experiencing. <P>I agree with NC that even if your H is not ready for MC that you should go yourself. It does help and also it would be another person to talk too. <P>Be strong and know that you are not alone. Keep the faith and take care of yourself. I'll be thinking about you!!-KID

BrokenH,<P>I will go back and read your post from yesterday when I finish this. Veteran posters say the weekends are slow, so don't give up that others will answer. Keep checking.<P>BTW I am the mother of a BS, so I'm not on the front line of this like you, but I have helped my son through his crisis. Also my sister. Can you talk to your parents? A sibling? You say that you want to keep the loop small which is OK, but your loved one's would want to be there for you. Call them if you can. My sister continues to tell me that being able to talk to me (we live 300 miles apart)during her husband's betrayal and the divorce was the only thing that kept her from falling apart. Otherwise keep posting here.<P>Give the antidepressants time to work, maybe several weeks. If the side effects are too great, ask your doctor to let you try another. They work. <P>My son has lost more than 20 pounds, like you. I know that you may be nauseated and have no appetite, but you have to keep up your strength. Are you taking vitamin supplements?<BR>B-vitamins for stress? Nutritient-rich drinks when you can'y stand the thought of food? If you get too run down, you will run the risk of getting sick and even more depressed. Try to rest. I know about the mental reruns you can't shut off. My son didn't want to take sleeping pills, so he tried Benadryl. Not a perfect solution, but it helped some and wasn't a narcotic.<P>I know that right now you feel that you may not survive this, but you will. You really will. And whatever the outcome, you will be a stronger person. Right now, you probably feel that it's hard to survive the next hour.<BR>It helps to write and talk. That's why you need your family...to listen. Also keep posting. These folks can become a surrogate family for you if yours is not close.<P>Don't give up. Things will get better in that the hurt will eventually decrease. I feel for you now and will keep up with your story.

I don't know if it makes you feel better, but I spent months unable to think about anything else. I was a zombie at work.<P>If you read the materials here it might help you understand the whys and the hows of affairs. If you had come here years ago you might have been able to change the way things are right now. We all think that. <P>You didn't have access to this info then, but you do now. This stuff does help. I found that just reading this site helped me through those early days when I was having trouble eating and sleeping. <P>Change won't happen overnight. There is no magic thing you can say or do that will fix things today or make you feel better right now. It's going to take a while.<P>The best thing you can do right now is what was suggested on your other post: read about emotional needs (ENs), read about Plan A. Read, read, read. Then start. <P>We'll be here every step of the way.<P>--Jeffers<P>

I read your first post. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you have made the wisest decision of your life in coming here for help and support.<P>You are NOT ALONE - we are all here to help you and have all felt those feelings you are feeling. We are all riding this giant rollercoaster of emotions. I remember so well the feeling when I found out about my H's affair. I was completly blindsided by it. It was like everything inside of me was sucked out leaving an empty shell, with only a dagger remaining in my heart. There is such a weight and so many questions, the biggest being "WHY". Why would this person I vowed to be true to hurt me in the worst way possible? <P>You need to ride through those feelings, accept and acknowledge them and keep moving forward. Easier said than done, I know. They do fade in intensity with time. Really. Please know that there was probably nothing you could have done to prevent this--- this is NOT your fault and you DID NOT deserve this. Your W is in a fog and not thinking clearly herself. She made a very poor choice and now must be accountable for her actions. <P>Read the welcome material. Info on Plan A. Definitely read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and another I like is "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring. IT may not feel like "after" for you right now, but the book is full of good good information. Private Lies is also another good one.<BR>Come here for support.<P>Hugs, Hugs and prayers to you with all my heart.

Sorry BrokenH(usband),<BR>I should have known the H stood for Husband,,not Heart. But sometimes I'm rather dense,,therefore the name--Nerlycrzy. <BR>However, my original advice to you still stands, H or W. Please take this time to read, post and vent here. You will find this place a lifesaver,,,,,I know I did. I'm sorry you are in so much pain and I remember those feelings unfortunately very clearly. Take constructive action to understand what has happened and possible remedies. When you are particularly down, read some of the success stories. There is hope here.

BrokenH,<P>For one thing, you are so lucky to have found this site. I have been here almost daily for close to 2 years. It actually saved my life. Typing out my thoughts and things about my situation kept me from doing something that would have left my kids motherless. <P>The feelings that you are having will come and go in waves. I believe almost everyone here has gone thru the same things. We've all lost weight (the great infidelity diet), lost sleep ( I still don't sleep much) and have felt like we're going crazy. But I promise you that it does get better! I didn't believe it myself, but it does. <P>Take care of yourself!<P>Mitzi <BR>

Hi, <P>Went through this stuff rather quickly and may be reiterating some thoughts here. But here is something you can do..... go to the bookstore and get a copy of surviving an affair by Dr Harley, Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson, His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley. Scan through each one and see what may help you best for the moment. They are all good but then you will have something to do at home. Read the basic concepts here, click on concepts right below the marriage builders logo at the top of this page. Take the emotional needs questionnaire. You have a lot you can do to keep you busy. But the object is to give you the tools to help you through this time. <P>Then maybe you might be able to speak with your W about little things. Yes, even that may be hard right now. Invest this time wisely, it will pay off in the long run. We will be here to help you make it through this time. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Hi BrokenH,<P>I am so sorry for your situation and want you to know I will say a prayer for you. One thing that helped me enormously after my husband left was WORKING OUT. I went to Borders and bought the TOUGHEST workouts I could find and then went to the sporting goods store and bought dumbbells and barbells, ankle weights, a step box etc. I did a killer workout every morning and night and it really helped to work off some of the RAGE, FEAR, and ANGER I felt towards my husband. During that hour or two of exercising I was able to forget about my problems and it was a wonderful release that I came to look forward to. It helped me gain some persepective on the problem.<P>I had not exercised in years but this got me in the habit of working out and helped to settle me down mentally. My life was pure horror that year [1999] and I know without a doubt that the exercising gave me a much greater degree of mental stability to be able to handle the mental horror of that year. I was able to think clearly and exercise good judgment just by staying in good shape. Vitamins are also a real good idea because high stress can deplete your body of vitamins that you need for good mental health.

Hi brokenH<BR>Just wanted to say hi and to let you know that you have done the right thing by venting on how you feel on this site.<BR>I found this site by accident and therefore I am quite new here.<BR>I was sick with grief after finding out H had a thing for <BR>someone in my family.<BR>I also had no appetite, and have lost almost 40lbs in the last 3 weeks over this issue. But after finding this site I<BR>read as much as I could and found out that I had other people in the same boat as I.<BR>I was on sick leave from my job for 5 days because I didn't have the will to get out of bed.<BR>Today I actually confronted him as he really wanted to know what my problem was. So before he left on his trip I let him <BR>have it with both barrels. Told him he had some thinking to do before he returns from his trip tomorrow.<BR>He told me we will have a long talk tomorrow.<BR>But because another family member is involved I cannot bring myself to talk to any of them about it. So I wrote a letter on here and spoke to some close co-workers and I was really surprised to hear that some of them had almost the same experience as I did.<BR>I still think a lot , But I plan to make an appointment at a <BR>local shelter for counselling and if H choses not to come well that will me ok with me. I am told that I have to take care of me now.I have been there for him for 22 yrs and this <BR>is the thanks I get.<BR>I hope this helps you out. Hang in there. My prayers and thoughts are with you.<P>

Hi Broken H first I'd like to say I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. You are definitely not alone. There is so much to gain from this site valuable information and an abundance of support. Keep posting and venting because we are all here to help each other. <BR>cybil