New to this forum. My story: I am married for 14 years with 3 children. I just found out that my W is having an affair with my best friend. She was also best friends with his wife. His wife and I are both in dispair. I've been reading the book How to Survive an Affair and it's been helping. My wifes affair has been going on for 1.5 years. Right now she refuses to stop this affair claiming she loves him? As everyone hear knows that is hard to deal with. I guess I'm just trying to vent. She has moved out and I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I understand the pain you are feeling, and there is not much you can do except care for yourself right now. This must run its course and who knows how long that will be.<P>

Tappa,<P>Welcome to marriage builders. You are among those who you can vent to and understand what you are going through. <P>Here is a welcome package which provides links to the information/tools available here.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>Please click on this and read, read, read. Some of the info will be beneficial to you. Then step back and take a long hard look at your situation. Ponder over what you read and see options. Talk to a counselor or use the phone counseling service available here (look under counsel at the top of this page). You can come here and write your questions. The responses you receive are from just everyday people going through their own issues. Some have been facing these issues longer than others and recognize the many similar phases our mate are going through and even what we are going through. You will be amazed at how similar this stuff is. <P>Anyway, I know you are upset and want an instant fix. Unfortunately, it will not be easy. A lot of how things go depends on both of you not just you. But you can have a positive impact on both your W and yourself. <P>Take care,<BR>L. <BR>

I'm new to the forum as well. I will tell my story once I understand how this all works! <P>I have been married for almost 17 years. Husband had a temper/anger problem and i withdrew emotionally (and, often,<BR>sexually) from him for years. We have 3 kids, I devote my time to them and my job. <P>I began chatting on the internet.... and the unthinkable happened, i met a man and had an affair. My husband found out about this affair about 6 weeks ago after he downloaded a program to spy on me on the internet. (he can see everything i'm typing even now).<P>We have been in counselling ever since. The counselling is going pretty well. However, something in me cannot totally give myself to him and i'm not sure why. His temper and anger have been in control for several months...he has been working so very hard to change. He is a good man and a good father. <P>Any thoughts on how to forgive myself??? I have devastated him and I just don't know how to get beyond that.<P>Thanks for any help!<P>------------------<BR>..climbing the rainbow..

Good for you for reading and trying to help yourself. This site will help you too. Come here ANYTIME you need to.<BR>Another book that is good is called "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring. Even though your W's A is still ongoing, it is a great book to read to help you deal with all you emotions. She does a great job in pinpointing what's happening with both WS and BS.<P>((((((((Tappa))))))))))). <P>

Tappa....<P>I'm sorry about your situation. I don't know what to tell you except that your wife is probably confused. I recommend the book that Alberta talked about... "After the Affair"... also I recommend counselling...if she won't go with you, go see one for yourself.<P>(Sorry I wrote my own story on your posting, i wasnt quite sure how to use this thing!).... I hope things go better for you, hon....<P>------------------<BR>..climbing the rainbow..

Tappa,<P>I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry you are in this pain. I know this is not a comforting thought but you are in a position to have a lot more information than most people on this board. You know that the OP's spouse is aware of the A and you are friends with her. The 2 of you can discuss things and know what is going on.<P>Have you asked your W to read Surviving the Affair? Also Private Lies is a good one. My H read Private Lies and I think it helped him to know that he is not the only one who had been in that position.<P>How was your M before this happened? Is your W still living at home with you? Have you begun Plan A?<P>Good Luck, Heck

Boy, sounds like my life story except I'm the female BS whose H had an affair with my best friend (married also to his best friend). It all happened almost 6 years ago but they swore it was emotional only and that nothing else happened. It still caused us to separate for 9 months and destroyed my friendship with her. <P>I just found out 2 months ago that it was very physical, including in MY bed which destroyed me. It is such a double betrayal. I know how much you are hurting. It also caused the H of OW to not want anything to do with me, even though I wasn't involved and desperately needed support.<P>I know how scary it is when they move out. He did also to pursue her. It was lonely at first but better than having to listen to how wonderful she was, how sad he was, etc. They were our neighbors which added to the pain.<P>Well, she broke it off (but not before saying they could be together in another time and place) and after about 5 months we started dating again. It took me 2 years to rebuild trust but since I was lied to by both of them, I didn't know what I thought I was forgiving.<P>I've been very sad the past 2 months. Had to totally redo my sewing room for a new bedroom. Still sleeping on the couch until the new bed comes in.<P>I pray that she will come to her senses. I am wondering if you have had any contact with your best friend? I still really resent that both my friendship and marriage were damaged by this. Because I didn't know the truth, I made an effort to be with her about a year later. She wrote back a very cold letter denying any wrong doing and blaming me for everything wrong in her life. Weird. She got divorced (2nd) and moved far away. See-God does answer prayers!<P>My H is very sorry and remorseful now. That helps but only time and counseling can ease the pain. I don't enjoy being in my house anymore since they were here. <P>Your life will never be the same, but if she comes to her senses, your marriage can be saved. At first it will feel like you are doing all of the work and forgiving. But over time if gets better. Also, how is his wife doing?<P>Good luck and keep in touch

Thanks heckofagal. My W said she read the book. I don' believe her she only had it for a short time while I was at work. Also she's moved out on me about month ago. Before the year and a half ago our marriage was strong. My W was about as perfect a W and Mother that I could find. But now looking back on the past year or two there were plenty of signs that she was not with me mentally any more.