this is the first time ive written, i hope i make sence. here goes. i am a 34 year old man, that has fundamentally<BR>made a mess of my marriage. heres how i did it. i started spending time on porn sites, first it was for small periods of time, then it grew to quite a long time every day. then<BR>i started on chat sites, spending hours with women from around my local area. next thing you know, i had a double life that i had to juggle. a family life and tens of women i had to chat to every day on the net. i eventually met one,<BR>she was quite younger than me (in her teens). my wife wisened<BR>up read my email, and it was all over, now 4 months later i have a wife that has lost every little bit of trust and respect for me, and i really dont know where to start to save my marriage. i have stopped contact with all my chat partners, the moment my wife found out. <BR>just want some advice from any body that has been through something similar to me, whether its a husband, wife, third party.<P><BR>thank you<BR>

Welcome. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I've seen lots of worse messes while I've hung out here . I know that doesn't help you any, you've still made a great big mess and your W is deeply hurt, doesn't trust you etc. But, I have every confidence that you can fix it!!!<P>First task is to rebuild trust with your wife. That takes heaps of honesty and some time. She probably feels like you have had an affair, although as I read your post, I see no mention of physical contact, right? If she feels as betrayed as I suspect she does, don't try and argue her out of her feeling that this was a type of affair. <P>Questions: Did you end up emotionally attached to this online girl? (Also at some point you may want to consider why did you start spending time on porn sites, etc to begin with? If it had to do with something missing in your life or in your marriage, ultimately that will need to be addressed also, as you don't want to do this all over again a year or two from now...}<P>I'd strongly suggest you read this series of articles: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A> <P>The Basic Concepts (click on CONCEPT link at top of page) is also an area you should read.<P>Then, my last suggestion would be to consider getting some coaching from Steve Harley or his sister Jennifer, who do phone counseling here. Recovering and improving the marriage after a breach of trust is hard work (tho worthwhile) and having a pro help is well worth it. <P>Kathi<P>

kathi<BR>thanks for your post, just thought id fill you in with some more info about how i got into this mess. firstly i had been spending a great deal of time on porn sites. these sites made me feel as though atractive women are supposed to look a certain way (ie thin and young), and as my wife was pregnant i lost my sexual desire with her, and spent that time on these sites. as well as these fantasies, the chat fantasies happened, at the end of the day i did meet a girl and it got physical (not intercourse). i was not emotionally involved with her, it was sex.<BR>my need for sex and attractiveness led me to such foolish lengths, rather than communicating my needs to my wife, i thoughttat if i got it somewhere else that everything would be alright and nobodywould get hurt. now that i think about it, its so stupid. but i guess im paying the price, and i deserve it, because i have hurt other peoples feelings.<BR>thanks for all your kind words of inspiration.<P><p>[This message has been edited by amant100 (edited September 04, 2001).]

Yes, I agree. You need to dig deep within yourself to find out what was missing that led you to this behavior. Try the Harleys emotional needs questionnaire. Perhaps that will help you pinpoint the problem.<P>The material here at MB is exceptional. If I were you, I would read every one of the Harley books that I could get my hands on. Another good one is "Torn Asunder" and "The Five Languages of Love".<P>This CAN be overcome, but just be prepared to be patient, and remember that only time can heal any wound.<P>Good Luck.<BR>B<BR>

thanks bound,<BR>i will read those books, i have issues i need to<BR>firstly understand then deal with.<BR>secondly are there any other guys who have gone through a similar situation, please write<P>thanks

First.. a warm welcoming hug.. (Ya.. I'm a guy..).. it wasn't a long hug.. though <P>You've taken the right step by coming here. <P>I've been in your shoes...<P>how do you win the trust of your wife back? honesty. openness.<P>Bring her here and let her sign up and register for the site. She is welcome her just as much as you.<P>The both of you most likely have unmet needs and the girls that posted above are right.<P>I really can't tel you what to do.. and being on that computer is going to cause love bank withdrawals from your wife.. even if your looking and reading the news.<P>Get her interested in Marriage Builders and SURF together. Install spy software and let her choose the password. That way she can monitor your actities on the computer.<P>You'll know its there and it will be a deterrant. <A HREF="http://www.iopus.com" TARGET=_blank>www.iopus.com</A> has a good program.<P>Download it with her, you both install it so there is not a trust issue. when it comes to setting the password.. leave the room and let her decide one that she wants. She then needs to go in and delete the history so you don't know what the password is .. in the event she ever prints the text file of sites and chats that have been visited.<P>If its the internet that is the problem as well as the porn and chat sites.. let her change the password for the connection and then you will have to have her 'permission' to get online.<P>If you surf while at work the software can be put on you machine also.. and a copy of your activities can be mailed to her email also.. the first program is SAM the second is the other one.. can't remember the name.. at iopus website.<P>Sounds childish doesn't it. But to win her loyalty.. and trust back, you need to put yourself on restriction with her making the choices and decisions for the direction.<P>Others may disagree and this is only my opinion.<P>Hang in there and if you want to chat.. just contact me.<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·