First time to post on this BB. Usually on D/D. What are opinions and examples here of sex with Ws while separated. I know it would provide EN for him, but how did you feel about yourself afterwards. H and I are talking about it, but have not done anything yet. I do now want to be used just for sex and he understands that. It has been 15 months since we did anything - he is in PA- yes, we would use precautions. But, I am on edge myself - if you know what I mean. Would this be a big mistake? <P>Tina

WH and I had sex during our separation. SF is a big EN for both of us. I also wanted to, to be able to show more affection to him.<P>I didn't regret sleeping with him during that time. But it wasn't easy either. It was hard to get OW#1's ugly face out of my head most of the time! YUCK!!! <P>It's been over 6 months since d-day, and we've been in recovery for just over 3 months now. Thankfully, I am not haunted by her face anymore.<P>You do what you think is best. If you and your H are getting intimate, then take it one step at a time. If you start to feel uncomfortable, then stop. Do NOT sleep with him just b/c HE wants you to. YOU have to want it.<P>Karen<BR>

This is a tough question. I agree with Topie25 you need to do what you think is best. WH and I have a better sex life now that we are seperated than we did when he was home. I can't understand it. I know it is definitely me who has become more sexually aware of his needs and my own desires. Before sex was like something I had to make time for you know kinda like grocery shopping. I can't believe how sad that sounds to me now. We did have great sex when it happened. My priorities were all mixed up. Now I want to be intimate all the time guess because I have come to realize how much I truly do love my H. You need to do what you feel comfortable doing. Good luck.<BR>cybil

As much as I couldn't understand it...and at times felt 'badly' afterwards...my H and I have continued to be intimate...<P>in fact, he has said it is my strongest connection with him...so I knew I couldn't sever it...<P>It has been difficult and confusing to me...but ONLY do it if YOU desire it as well...just as the others have said...<BR>that way you will feel 'less' used...<P>You may still get those feelings...but hold in front of you that it was YOUR decision...<P>Cali

Thanks for all your input. I kind of feel the same way that all of you do. Only do it if it is what I want. On the D/D board the message that I have received is - absolutely not - don't do it. They have good reasons, but at the same time I really miss this part of our lives. I am torn as to what to do. I will have to give it a lot of thought. <P>Did any of you get back together or did you still get divorced or are you still separated? <P>If any others have any input or opinions - for or against - I would appreciate more comments.<P>Tina

I continued to have sex.<P>I had to remind myself constantly that it was MY choice to have sex, and therefore I wasn't being "used".<P>Besides, its a huge need for my H....and really for him is an emotional connection.<P>So there was an "evil" part of me that had sex with him simply to cause problems with him emotionally in his relationship with the OW. Manipulative? Yep. I shouldn't have. But I'm human, and it was the only revenge I could get - making him "cheat" on her with his wife! <P>Now that we are in recovery, he's told me that he kept coming back for sex because he really missed me physically. The OW was constantly getting surgery ... face lifts, tummy tucks, boob jobs....and he didn't like the result. <P>So while perhaps he got his cake and ate it too, it kept him connected to me emotionally and eventually factored in his coming home.<P>Funny thing is, we had GREAT sex then...now that we are trying to connect our marriage back together we are having problems. <P>I'm finding that it helps to kinda get back in that mode of disconnecting my heart and just going for it. He loves it, and it helps him feel closer to me.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Ok, forget all the reconcilliation issues, or being used issues, isn't anyone afraid of dying? Or having other chronic health issues from std's..... I hear what you are all saying, but this is the only EN that carries a serious reality check with it. What about that? Do you just say I don't care, I will take the risk? And what if it doesn't work out, and you get left with a serious std to boot? It seems the smartest move is no sex, (and to heck with whether the ws leaves or not over it), and a full test regime if and when a true reconcilliation starts (no contact, extra-ordinary precautions).

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BrambleRose:<BR><B>I continued to have sex.<P>I had to remind myself constantly that it was MY choice to have sex, and therefore I wasn't being "used".<P>Besides, its a huge need for my H....and really for him is an emotional connection.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If only my W, the BS would do the same, I wouldn't find myself on the fence regarding with whom I should spend this evening. If BS had 1/10 the interest in sex as my OW, I'd be there in a heartbeat and would probably never have found myself on this site.<P>It sure would help me overcome my addiction to OW. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 03, 2001).]

Except for the first 2 months of the first separation and the 5 months of the 7th separation we had sex.<P>I tended to think "He's my H, why shouldn't I be with him?"<P>The last sep, I no longer wanted the marriage and felt that if he didn't want to live with me, I wasn't going to be his best friend, confidant or lover.<P>We are in recovery 16 months.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Redhead10 my H and are are still seperated for the moment. Things are slowly getting better as amatter of fact we've spent the majority of the weekend together. Good Luck in your decision.<BR>cybil

Hi Redhead:<P>Although SF was an important reason for my WH's affair...events that took place during the on and off affair have made it nearly impossible for me to have sex with my WH.<P>First of all, during the first separation (there have been three) I stupidly thought that this was a competion between me and OW as to who could be the best in bed...the winner winning back the prize (WH)...so I did have sex with him...I must have been insane considering OWs drunken state and frequent partners other then WH...what a risk I took of getting some disease.<P>Sex with WH during affair turned out to be very frustrating...maybe it was me (and he claims it was) but he seemed to never be there while we were having sex...I guess I would equate it with the "cold-fish" wife feeling some men get. And several times he would have sex with me and then get up and go looking for OW. Needless to say...the fog was too heavy...and I was being hurt by his indifference. Finally I asked him to leave until he could decide what he wanted...and although he has wanted to come home for the last year...I feel he's not ready. <P>I want him to want me with the same intensity that he showed with OW...and that's probably not possible....and I have a problem with the fact that men seem to reconnect with their wives through sex....but I won't share him...so I'm caught between a rock and a hard place...I just hope he can see what his affair has done to me in this department and give me the time to reconnect with him at my own speed...as I cannot just jump back into having sex with him.<P>This choice is for each of us to make...and I can't give any advise in anyone else case...just give you my experience and hope that it will help.<P>Faye

I have been having sex with my husband since we have been seperated, at the time when we seperated we talked about this and made an agreement that we would try and keep this line of communication open. At the beginning I found it very hard, it has now been two years and this past year it has been very intimate and in time we may work on living together again. I don't talk to many people about my situation as everyone has very strong opionins on this and I feel as long as we keep the communication open things will be ok. I have not been in any relationship since seperation and my husband has had one affair that is no longer happening. Take care and keep us posted.<P>------------------<BR>jazz