How does a married man fall in love with some one he has never met or talked to or seen? I found love cards to OW and from her 3 days before our 32nd anniversary. I thought we had a good marriage. This has torn us apart, in my opinion. He thinks everything is OK now. I can't forget and it's driving me nuts. He says I'm too jealous whenever we talk about it. And he loves me. Has anyone else gone through this? How do you get your life back? Will our marriage ever be happy again? It's been almost a year since this affair blew up in my face.

It won't ever be ALL better unless both of you have dealt with it - openly and honestly. You need questions answered and he needs to answer them. Perhaps counselling would be in order. A book I highly recommend is "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring.<P>One thing I heard from Dr. Phil in fact, is something to the effect of, we don't get over the hurt until we know we have been HEARD. <P>

FYI: Several articles here on Infidelity over the Internet...first one below, I think it links to others...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html</A>

Believe me, the internet is responsible for many normal people, suddenly becoming abnormal. My wife has had a year-long EA/PA with a man from her chat room. People that are prone to addictive behavior must be very cautious about the way they manage their internet activities. I couldn't see how she let herself get addicted to it, just as you can't see your H addiction. Insist that he stop the internet contact with the OW or you need to download a spy program such as Spector. That was the only way I found out about the A. Keep getting feedback from people at this site. It is invaluable in helping you maintain your sanity.<P>Good Luck!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Burned

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Burned in TX:<BR><B>Believe me, the internet is responsible for many normal people, suddenly becoming abnormal. My wife has had a year-long EA/PA with a man from her chat room. People that are prone to addictive behavior must be very cautious about the way they manage their internet activities. I couldn't see how she let herself get addicted to it, just as you can't see your H addiction. Insist that he stop the internet contact with the OW or you need to download a spy program such as Spector. That was the only way I found out about the A. Keep getting feedback from people at this site. It is invaluable in helping you maintain your sanity.<P>Good Luck!!!!!!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you for your response. I checked on Spector and found eBlaster - it gives the reports to another computer. I installed this program on my home computer but the reports will show up at my office. I wish I had known about such programs last year. Thank you so much for all your help. Take care. If nothing is going on at least I can get peace of mind.

Thank you for your responses. Burned gave me some good advice and I took it. Spy programs may not be ethical, but neither is cheating. Thank you all who helped me.

You know...I really wonder at times...why people are so amazed that people can actually meet, 'connect emotionally' and "fall in love" on-line?!<P>Before the dawn of this incredible technology, people use to actually write letters. Many became pen pals. And writing back and forth...be it email or snail-mail...is a way for people to just open up their hearts and share themselves in ways that they could never do in person.<BR>Why how many stories over the years have we read in "Dear Abby" about how people met when she promotes that writing to servicemen overseas...and some actually get married after meeting and writing.<P>Now...I would never suggest that it is proper or even acceptable for married people to be communicating like this with anyone else other than their spouses. But honestly...when those communication lines 'dry up' at home...and the mundane reality of life and kids and jobs and everything else...begins to suffocate the marriage, it really is not surprising at all...that married people...could meet other married people...'on-line' and fall in love. I did. I wasn't the first. And I won't be the last.<P>Please...this is no attempt to justify anything I've done.<P>It's happened...and I'm paying the price and working on restoring my marriage. It has not been easy. Actually, what was a difficult situation...was only made worse at home. There is still little communication...for all the same old reasons...plus...that fact my betrayal did so much damage to the marriage. <P>IT is still difficult, at best, to just open my heart to my wife and talk. I want to. I need to. But when that door remains shut....I just don't know what else to do. I still feel vulnerable. It seems like so much...has just been buried away...covered up...and 'life goes on'. <P>Funny...but several years ago, I remember hearing about folks meeting on the internet...and getting involved and running off with each other. Sounded so bizare to me at the time. But I understand it now. <P>When people meet...whatever form of communication...and began to share their hearts..and meet EN's....'falling in love' would seem to be a natural step in the progression of things. The nightmare...does not become real...until you realize how 'hooked' you are...to those feelings of love which became a 'life-line' to a lonely heart...and you try to 'break free' from that place. <P>Granted...it should have never happened. But then, life never just goes down the path you think it should have or thought it would.<P>This path...has some painful and valuable lessons to be learned. I know this as well.<P>~sigh~

JuneLady, here’s my story. I posted an update today. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000998.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000998.html</A> <P>They fall in love, because they can "talk" to each other about anything. There are no real life problems for them. The relationship is all fun and love. They get positive feedback for whatever they say. They feel safe and don't have to really deal with anything. Its a fantasy. A fun fantasy that turns into something more if continued, but still based on a lie.<BR>I told my WH that all he had with OW was the loving, none of life's problems.<BR>Read "HIS NEEDS,HER NEEDS"<BR>I think we are going to make it at this point. But it is early. I found out in July about the affair, just thought it was EA at that point, with at least 4 women. Turns out he had a very real PA with one woman. He admitted yesterday on the drive home from the councelor that another woman he used to work with and has emailed for years just went through a divorce and wants him to contact her too. He has agreed to not contact anymore woman via email or the internet or phone. I think (want to hope anyway) that we have been very honest with each other this last weekend, when everything has come out. There has been a lot of crying on both parts and asking for forgiveness. Me for running away from our problems and shutting him out, and he for the affairs (EA and PA). It has been painful but we are both willing to work on it and be totally honest with each other. I admit I still have my doubts and the councelor said the dishonesty issue was going to be harder to reconcile than the actual PA itself. I agree.<BR> I took his phone calling card out of his wallet. He could get another one, but it would make it an effort. He asked me why I deleted Paltalk on our computer and I told him I was mad as her name was the first one on the contact and I just obliterated the whole thing in anger. I deleted all her messages on our computer. I will be checking his computer when he leaves it on, to see if he has left any messages from any women on there. I don’t have access to his laptop but that’s where I found the emails of the physical proof of his affair.(he had left it on so son could play a music tract on it and I took the liberty to check his mail on his work account. I have copies of those letters. I will be checking the phone bills—there was a cellphone bill yesterday and one call on there which I confronted him with. At this point, he is willing to work with me. It is just going to be difficult to get that degree of trust back. To tell the truth, I’ve told him I don’t know if that degree of trust that I had in him will ever be fully restored. I’m optimistic but also know I have been a fool.<BR> He says that if I get my weight back down and look attractive to him again, which is one big issue along with making him feel that I love him and paying more attention to him (I don’t think there was ever a sex problem.—he could have that anytime he wanted) there will be no problem. His words, not mine. We’ll see. I am very willing to work on this and just didn’t realize how much it meant to him. Along with that I was feeling and still do—that I only get the scraps of life and love. So we each have issues to work on and are reading “His Needs, Her Needs” together.<BR> Your husband has to be willing to talk and get everything out in the open. Even my H said if this is going to be a quick fix –6 month only effort, its not going to work. There has to be more.<BR>You need to have some heart to heart talks and concrete plans for making the marriage better. Just him saying he loves you and quitting getting on the net won’t solve the inherent problems you had to make him turn to the net in the first place. He was lacking something and you both need to identify what it was. <BR>My prayers go out to you. I know the pain.<BR>Mikkey<BR>

JuneLady,<P>Here's a link to yet one more internet affair story. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html</A> <P>Sometimes it's good to know that you are not alone. There is a lot to learn on this web site about such things as it seems that the internet is being used more and more as a way to go outside of a marriage. It is just too easy as there seem to be so many men and women who are willing to jump at anything/anyone who will respond to them.<P>It's an easy place for a person to be who ever they want to be. Reality seldom enters the equation. <P>just my 2 cents<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare