Some good days and some bad days. Wife still continues to make initial contact with me. She will call and want to bring other dog over to play or want to use the computer to burn a CD or want to get something or just ask me something in an email. I finally asked her why she was not coming back to the marriage and she replied that she thought that I would never get over what has happened and that I would hold that over her head. She also said that she was very resentful for me talking to her family about the A. She said that she may never have the same relationship with them again. (She has never discussed any about us with them)<BR>and if she couldn't have one with them then how could she with me. She finally said that it was doubtful that we could reconcile our marriage. I asked her why she kept coming around and making contact and she said that she still cared about me and thought it would be wierd to not talk to me. I told her that my emotions were on a rollarcoaster b/c we would have fun days together then she would act mean the next. It's like that always, just yesterday she came over to make a CD and we didn't talk once about us and we got along great, laughed, talked and had pizza. She stayed 4 hours, the longest in a long time, we hugged bye and I asked if I could have a kiss and we kissed (peck) but it felt great. <P>Why does she continue to come around and communicate if she doesn't think the marriage is reconcilable?<P>Is this normal behavior for WS's? Should I just accept it and not give it another thought?<P>I think the A could be over, she says it is, but one can't be too careful. <BR>She has to be thinking about me still right?

Hi GC, I'm only speculating, but I'll bet she doesn't really know what she wants. Her rationale sounds similar to many others I read about here. It's clear you're still the "problem" and it's all your fault re: her relationship with her family.<P>At least she has some recognition of wrongdoing. She may have peeked in the mirror, but she didn't look for long.<P>When did you last discuss things with Steve? I'll bet he asked you to ask her to talk with him. Even my wife did this once, so it's certainly possible for yours.<P>Dave

It's been awhile since I spoke with Steve (finances) I carrying the whole mortage and bills. NOt much left over.<BR>He did mention for her to talk with him, but she is against any kind of counseling. Not sure how to change her mind.<BR>How did you get your W to talk?<BR>GC

Well, GC, it only worked once for my W. I just waited until she was in an agreeable mood and asked her exactly what Steve asked me: Would she consider talking to my counselor for my benefit? - in order for my counselor to have the value of her perspective in order to best help me? She agreed, but she never agreed again, because she felt invaded by it. Apparently, Steve got a little too close to her demons and, to this day, she denigrates counseling. <P>An interesting irony and insight into the Alien mind: After our son died in Aug. 1999, I made the mistake of ridiculing the psychiatric treatment she sought. I was determined to sustain the grief without it. In hindsight this was a HUGE error on my part and something I will forever regret.<P>A year later, last August, in the depth of my depression over her affair, I sought psychiatrict care and I apologized profusely for ridiculing my wife a year earlier. I had learned my lesson and sought all the counseling and medication I could get.<P>Nonetheless, today, she forsakes counseling for us as a couple or us as a family. I can only conclude it's because she doesn't want to face her demons that will inevitably show up. Go figure.<P>Good luck,<BR>Dave<P>Dave

Dave,<P>Thanks for your insight. i like you can only regret things that I have done (at least in my mind) that lead my wife to go astray. It was totally out of her character as we (family and friends) all knew her. Now she knows we all know and I do not think that she can overcome that fact. It has to trouble her. I think I made a huge mistake by telling everyone. What a dumb___ I was! I probably have out the more nails in the coffin than I can imagine. If she would only see why??

Hi gdc! Good to see you back here... I was starting to wonder what happened to you. <P>It seems to me that your W is coming out of the fog some. Especially if she's doing much of the initiating of contact between you two. IMO, you're obviously fulfilling many of her EN's which she's probably not even sure she's aware of having (grin).<P>In answer to your ?'s, I think that she's only saying that she doesn't think your M is savable (is that a word? grin) in order to hear her say those words and to test your reaction to them. And yes, it sounds like very normal behaviour for a WS... especially one who isn't so much on the fence anymore (IMO).<P>Karen

GC - I understand why? perfectly. You were in survival mode. I confided in my wife's family, too. What is family for, if not this?<P>I think it's OK to regret things that led to the problem, but to regret taking rational actions to solve the problem may be a little too self-critical. Don't beat yourself up over this piece. you didn't take out a full page newspaper ad to ridicule her - you only did what seemed responsible at the time. If it makes her feel bad that you did it, well, what was the real crime?<P>Dave

Karen,<P>Do you really think she is coming out of the fog? <P>I mean she is initiating contact, but it seems as though she always has an excuse like to use computer, let dogs play together, get something from house. Only for the first time did I call her this morning and we talked for 10 minutes and it was good conversation. She seems to be doing and saying other things that make me think she is moving on. <P>In a way, I think she always knew it might not work out with the other man (I'm guessing) but she had already made a decision to end it with me, then I caught her. <P>She actually still sees him at work some. I will also find out if she still pages him when her cell bill comes out soon.<P>Thanks Karen,<P>GC

What would the motives be for her being nice to me?<P>1. Not filing lawsuit against other man?<BR>2. Wanting to be just friends?<BR>3. Not wanting a D to cost her much $ and settle nicely?<BR>4. Still in the A with other man?<P>If she is done with the marriage why doesn't she just say it.

hi, gc! been wondering about ya lately. I saw this yesteday, but didn't have anything wonderful to say....<P>have you seen my last update? here's the link... it seems like I remember we're on similar time frames.... the advice I got is wonderful.. and this sort of answers your other question about what WS's say about the marriage....<P>this may or may not help at all... just trying to relate... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012223.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012223.html</A> <P>How long have you been doing a good Plan A? It just think you need to not try to analyze everything she says and does, and keep on your Plan A path a little longer....<P>what do ya think?

Hi there Faith1, good to hear from you as well! Thanks for the link, I'm going there now. Plan A'ing over two months now without much success. However, I do have some LB's about every 10 days or so. These mostly happen when I talk to tother people who are discouraging. Stay away form them.<P>Thanks for the reply!<BR>GC

yep, thought so. I basically started Plan A end of June, but cut out all LB's since July 12. sooo hard.....<P>I think you need to just keep avoiding those LB's and fill an EN here and there best you can. You are really doing great - just keep doing it, and don't listen to her fog.

GC - why is she being nice?<P>1. Not filing lawsuit against other man?<BR>2. Wanting to be just friends?<BR>3. Not wanting a D to cost her much $ and settle nicely?<BR>4. Still in the A with other man?<P>Could be all of these PLUS guilt.<P>Remember WAT's Rule # 1: you are not dealing with a rational person. Your normal thought processes won't work.<P>WAT

WAT, <P>You're right I so easily forget that small little rule.........unrational alien! This really does suck.<P>By the way have you seen the Oprah episode with Dr. Phil o it? He is the complete oppisite of MB stuff. So many various opinions.<P>GC