WS/wife has been moved out and separated for 5 weeks. She had and EA and as far as I know not PA with someone and I have no idea if it's over or not. Do I still Plan A?<P>She and I are pleasant, work together to see the kids, but do not discuss us, she, I, or it(he). She told me when moving out that she wants a divorce, but has not done anything to move in that direction and seems to be confused and unhappy.<P>I have still been doing the Plan A, but not discussing us at all. Do I keep this up, try to tell her I care still, keeping the door open, or just continue to ignore "us"?

Hi, and welcome.<P>I didnt want this to slip off the board before you got some answers. The Harleys material suggests that you continue to plan A untill you start to loose love for your spouse and if they are still not seperated from the other person, to go to plan B where you cut off contact with them.<P>Part of plan A is looking at yourself and your behaviors and trying to be the best you you can be. I would continue to not push her, try and be upbeat and happy and let her remember your good points and what she is missing. Things are usually not so rosey once they get out on their own.<P>Keep posting and hang in there.<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>Thanks for the response. I have been doing a pretty good job of plan a, things have been very positive and pleasant, but we don't talk about us. That's OK, I don't mind waiting at all, even for quite awhile.<P>I just feel like I deserve to know if she's seeing the guy still or if it's progressing or what. I know it's a LB to pursue a response on this, but I at least deserve to know don't I?

man - ditto Lora.<P>I assume you mean, "do I continue with Plan A or move to Plan B?"<P>Lora provided the classic criteria for moving to Plan B. Re-read SAA about this to get all the details.<P>Because your separation has already occurred, I'll offer a slight twist to the Plan B criteria, and I ask Lora and others to weigh in.<P>First, a Plan A refresher. Remember, the key part of Plan A is to make improvements in yourself - fixing ALL the behaviors your wife has criticized - then DEMONSTRATING your improvements. If you and W are getting along fine, ask her to tell you what you were doing that she didn't like. Be prepared for some trivial things. No matter how small, fix them. Don't defend yourself. This is about you being totally open minded and self critical. The point of all this is to remove all her excuses for having the affair. The extra added benefit is - you become a better you.<P>Now to Plan B - and here's my twist. Instead of waiting exclusively until your lovebank is about empty before going to Plan B, I think a BS should consider going to Plan B when either of the following is true AND a physical separation already exists:<P>1. your lovebank is about empty such that you are having difficulty avoiding LBs, or<P>2. you've successfully demonstrated your Plan A improvements.<P>If you're already separated, there comes a point when continued improvement demonstrations reach the point of diminishing returns - you simply can't get any farther - you've demonstrated all you need to. Continuation in this mode just provides more opportunities for LB'ing, and enables the WS to have the best of both worlds.<P>After a sustained period of avoiding LBs, you can lay on the Plan B letter for maximum effect. IMHO, Plan B IS NOT just to shelter your remaining love. It's also intended to pull the rug out from under your spouse to clearly show what they'll be giving up and to force them to seek EVERYTHING from the OP.<P>Now, after saying all of this, it's hard as heck to do with kids. Also, it's a big emotional change for the BS - one of the reasons I delayed too long.<P>Please give it some thought.<P>WAT