Hi gang,<P>Just wanted to fill you in on how things have been since my H moved home 1 month ago after staying at his mom's for 2 months to "get his head straight". The first couple of days were great!!! I could tell my H was glad to be home and we were all glad to have him home. Then of course the OW came back to work and things got a little cooler. My H has not said that he is ready to commit to our marriage and make things work, but he is living here now and I think he is working at making things better. We went to one counseling session (not exactly marriage therapist) and H said he was home to "see if this is where he wants to be." H REFUSES to quit his job and I know this a dead end argument so I rarely bring it up anymore. Therapist didn't see a problem with my H continuing to work with the OW, so I didn't see a need to continue seeing that therapist. H is still at the stage where he doesn't want to discuss any of this so I think I will wait a while then suggest a different counselor. (Don't know if H will ever want to discuss any of this, communication is a problem.)<P>Although H sees OW everyday at work I don't think they are currently carrying on their "relationship". (But hey, I could be wrong!) H keeps suggesting home repair projects which cost a lot of money and at first I thought he might just be fixing things up so he doens't feel so bad when he leaves us. But if he were planning on getting a place of his own I don't think he would be so eager to spend what money we do have. I think he enjoys the home improvement projects and it gives him something to think about other than the A, and hopefully he will be here a long time to enjoy the home repairs.<P>My question is this....Has anyone out there been in this situation where the WS does not know which direction to go, takes a little hiatus, then comes back home (still not too sure about saving the M)and NEVER resumes a relationship wth the OP??? I know most people is this sitution might no longer be posting on this board. But I've heard so many people think that they were in recovery and have thier spouse return to the OP on several occasions. I've heard that it is sooo hard to stay away so I guess I just assumed my H wouldn't. How can I get past that? I know, it just takes TIME, and I shouldn't expect too much...I know all those responses. I was just looking for someone who might have been in this type of situation who might have a positive story to share, even if your normally a lurker!!!<P>I think this board has helped me so much, but I feel like maybe some of the negative stories here might be holding me back from enjoying the fact that my H is back and might just be interested in saving our marriage!<P>Thanks, Heck

It took a few tries, but my H, who does sometimes see the former OW at work, came out of indecision and firmly decided he wanted the marriage, moved home, is working on the marriage and things are good 16 months after reconciliation.<P>If your H stated that he was firmly committed to your marriage that would be a bit better, but his being in the house, and not having an affair--giving the marriage a chance is definitely a starting place for building.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Well I can tell you that in my situation...<P>My H was completely uninterested in home improvement projects while he was uncommitted to our marriage. I was planning our divorce though, so I also discouraged spending money on a house that I wanted to be sold!!<P>He wanted to "try" to see if we could emotionally reconnect roughly 10 months after he moved out. Although we met weekly with Steve Harley, he was distant, and pretty much recovery was hell. I discovered his idea of "try" was to date other women through his internet personals ads.<P>At Steve's recommendation, I went back to the divorce and he went back to the OW.<P>4 months later, he asked for another chance, and this time, he wasn't "trying", he was doing. It was a bit of a shock. I had gotten into a mode of acceptance about our divorce and his relationship with the OW.<P>THIS time, he was pretty enthusiastic about home improvement projects. He was nesting, I swear! <P>He moved home over a month ago, and our basement is being completely renovated. I'm going to have the coolest hitech family room ever when this is done!!!<P>He did mention several times that his work on the house and his plans were actions to communicate to me his commitment to our marriage and family.<P>There's no real guessing about your H's mental state. Work on acceptance and patience!!<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

heckofagal,<P>I am in a similar situation. My WS Wife doesn't work with the OM , but she did leave on Thanksgiving and came back in March. Since then, I don't believe there has been any contact, we are not intimate ( only slight Hugs and Kisses) and she still sleeps separately, but she has been home. I go back and forth on how this is going and I can't always figure it out. If he is there , it's a good sign. If he is fixing things up, that is probably a good sign ( but he may be thinking that if you split you'll get more for the place if he make improvements). We haven't had a "discussion" since April. I don't know if this is the right way to go about, but with my W I know that if I push too hard, she will run. So to answer your question, yes there are some of us in your situation. Hang in there, keep you eyes open and don't get blindsided and do what you can to make him feel comfortable. This is a long process and an unfair one I might add, but if you value your marriage like I do it's worth it. The least you'll get out of it is the satisfaction that you gave it your all, and you just might be a step away from rebuilding your marriage. Good luck !<P><P>------------------<BR>Mark H

Thanks for the repilies...<P>H is definitely not doing home repair projects to get a better price for house in case he left because I told him I'm not selling! Would cost as much to rent an apartment than to make my house payment.<P>And H and I have remained intimate although SF is not as passionate as it was while he was not living here. (go figure!)<P>I try not to focus too much on what is going on between H and OW. I'll do my best to keep him happy and that's all I can do. The strain of living 2 lives was hard on him and I don't think he would want to go that route again. I just hope this is the live he wants to continue.<P>Heck

bump

My H moved out to live with OW then back home saying he wanted to reconcile but his heart wasnt in it. Though he said he had quit talking to OW he didnt- did it more sneakily and she kept pressuring him to divorce me so he filed then came to his senses and cancelled it. Then even after that he would go to therapy with me but say he didnt know if he wanted our marriage or not- he said that for several sessions and it made me feel like whacking him over the head with my purse! But eventually he DID finally end contact with OW then went thru withdrawal and started saying he DID want our marriage. We had had no intimacy for 6 mo during this so I was really unsure about if we'd make it or not. We are about 3 mo past his withdrawal stage and end of all contact and we are finally discussing the root reasons and damage caused by the A. Best of luck to you- lifeismessy

I've got a good ending here too <P>WH and I separated in early Feb 2001 (I kicked him out). The 'roller coaster ride' ensued. EA with OW#1 started in Feb, turned PA in March. By the end of May, we were on far more civil terms. I finally decided to go to plan B, then POOF! he wanted to give things a try. (my plan B lasted less than one day).<P>He started staying here at the end of May. He kept his apt until Mid July. That was his 'unsure' time. We were testing the grounds to see if we were ready to be back together again.<P>During June, he was still having contact with OW#1 (via email and the rare phone call). But the moment I found out about it, and confronted him on it, it stopped completely! <P>He has not tried to contact her since. Let me tell you, once 2 weeks had passed with no contact, he was such a great person to be around again! My H was back!!! She's tried contacting him a few times, but we laugh it off together now.<P>We are now over 3 months into recovery, and things are getting better and better everyday. We have talked a LOT about the A, but it wasn't easy at first. He wasn't ready to deal with it yet. But now, he's more at ease with talking about it all (and trust me, he's not one to open up easily about many things).<P>He's at the point now where he can clearly see OW#1 for who she is: a true manipulator. Through some investigating of our own recently, we discovered that throughout the entire time they were 'an item', she had been pursuing (and still is) MANY other men. (by the way, she's married too).<P>And as far as 'home improvements' go... my H is in the same line of thinking. He wants to work on our basement too. <P>Karen<BR>