I made a dumb mistake today. I let my expectations get the better of me.<P>I have been rolling along in Plan A for nearly nine months now and actually feeling pretty good about the progress my wife and I seemed to be making. More extended conversations, whether over the phone or in person. More contact with my extended family (parents and siblings). They have even been real supportive because they know how much I want to save my marriage. Although I know my wife still has contact with the OP (a woman and also her boss), it has been much less than it was just a few months ago. I know this for a fact because I have been checking .<P>So this week I got the bright idea to ask my wife out on a date. I told myself at first not to get too hyped up about it, that there was probably a better chance than not that she would turn me down. <P>But I couldn't help myself, I guess. I let it build up for a few days until just the right moment. You see, we still talk at least twice a day to check in with each other. I finally tried just about an hour ago and like I should have expected, got turned down flat. She didn't even have to think about it. It sounded so cold. I haven't felt like that since high school. I shouldn't have gotten upset about it, but in truth was devastated. I had to go home an pop a xanex, a prescription I have been trying to get off of.<P>I'm now left wondering where I should go from here. Do I give up trying to ask her out again? Continuing with Plan A has made her set in her ways. Could be time for my second attempt at Plan B very soon...

Hi AH,<P>Haven't heard from you in a while. Well just because your W is not appreciative of your actions is no reason to say you made a 'dumb mistake'. You did not. You asked what you felt and unfortunately found out that the reception was not as desired. <P>How do you feel? The fact that you are feeling devastated shows your hurt. Is there someone you can talk with out with? Is it wise to maybe e-mail your W to ask her how she is feeling? <P>Just some thoughts. I am sorry for her actions toward you. They are not warranted. You are still a valuable person. Remember that.<P>Take Care, <BR>L. <BR>

Oh, I'm sorry too... It sounds like it really impacted you, hearing her say no. Rejection is so hard to take especially when we have our hopes up and considering all the energy and effort it took for you to get enough nerve to even ask!<P>Now what? I think you just scrape your feelings up off the ground, hold your head up high and keep going forward. Delay does not mean denial. Maybe next time wait for her to make the first move toward going out socially? In the meantime, at least she knows that you are interested in taking her out. <P>BTW, Did you get a chance to let her know that you felt crushed when she turned you down? Don't give up. Let her see you bounce back! What if you told her that oh well, guess you'll have to get another date for this weekend since she turned you down... <P>Try not to let one little no discourage you. Even tho it knocked the wind out of your sails, get them back out there and just pretend it never happened--for your own sanity. Be persistent but not annoying. In other words, keep up your daily talks and maybe just offer a raincheck, you know, leave the date night open for whenever she's comfortable...<P>CHIN UP!!! This doesn't have to steal your dignity and grace.

AH - you're not dumb.<P>What was her exact reaction, and your response?<P>Many months ago, Steve advised me to approach these situations in a specific way. First, you do exactly what you did - pick a good moment, but expect to be turned down. Ask in a casual manner - don't over dramatize it:<P>You: Hey, that new choke and puke diner looks good. Would you like to try it out with me?<P>Her: Nope.<P>Here's the most important part:<P>You: OK, maybe some other time. I'm going to Costco, anything you know of that we need?<P>For what it's worth.<P>Dave

HI Always,<P>I don't really know your story since I'm rather new here, but I just wanted to say that I don't think what you did was a mistake. I know its hard not to get your hopes up about something you care so much about, we all do it. <BR>I think when you don't try, or don't take a chance to for happiness thats when you make a mistake. You may not be able to control the outcome of some things,but at least you gave it a shot and thats what counts. <P>Good luck to you.<BR>I-am

Dave-<P>Thanks for you reply. We can always count on you to lighten up the situation with a little humor!<P>I did let it get to me for a few hours. I got over it and am moving forward. Since she wouldn't go out for a beer with me, I went to realbeer.com and sent her a virtual one. Nice touch, I thought. In it I sent a message that I'd rather buy her a real one. Only I hope that wasn't "overdramatizing it too much" like you stated. I called her today and asked her if she got it. She said yes and actually thought it was kind of clever. I didn't push it any further and I didn't ask her again. Hopefully, like you said, I planted a seed.<P>BTDT-<P>I'm not so sure about letting her know how crushed I was. Wouldn't that be playing into her hands somewhat and showing weakness? I also don't want her to go out with me out of pity. I want her to do so because she is ready and wants to...<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited September 07, 2001).]

You are not alone - I made a dumb mistake yesterday. But here is how I am gentle with myself when I make mistakes. <P>Here I am hoping my marriage can survive a colossal mistake by my WS (getting into the EA/PA), so certainly if I can hope for that I can allow the possibility that the marriage can survive a few mistakes by me. <P>Whenever I get to the point that I think that my marriage will survive if and only if I don't make any mistakes, I get really stressed out. I have to remind myself that I am not in control, (But S isn't either, even if S thinks so!!) and Someone else holds the answers. Besides, I don't want a marriage that is so fragile I can't make any mistakes!<P>Of course I realize that mistakes can have super bad timing, but I can keep trying.<P>Forgive yourself and take care of yourself.