Well, it's over. We're getting a divorce. My H & I talked yesterday, and he's ready to get a divorce. I'm hurting so badly, but I'm somewhat relieved that I'm not going to be in limbo anymore. We've agreed to do this as amicably as possible. He's been seeing other women the whole time we've been separated. Says he's trying to get on with his life and I should get on with mine. I'm giving up now. I've put myself out there for dates. I can't fight anymore, can't Plan A. I just want better days. I can't take this anymore, so I'm filing for divorce. My heart hurts, my children hurt, and my life has fallen apart. I have to let go. If God wants us to be together, we will be, but I can't sit around being lonely anymore. I just can't - it is killing me. I have tried to be the best wife I know how, I have changed the things he wanted changed, I have done everything I know to do, and he still feels nothing for me. He still says he's not attracted to me, and that I just read into his actions what I wanted to. <P>Well, if he can move on, why can't I.<P>I know one day I'll meet someone else who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. I hope tht one day I will get over my H. I told him that one day, when I'm over him, we can try to be friends, but not now. I've asked him to stay away. He's upset because I'm putting him on a schedule for the kids, but he said he understands that I need this time to recover.<P>Gosh, I'm now a statistic. I will be contacting a lawyer probably next week, or we may try to do this on our own. I just want it to be done as quickly and inexpensively as possible. I want this to be over so I can get on with my life, and my kids' lives.<P>I'm sorry I've proven to be so weak. I'm sorry I've failed my children, and my poor baby, but I can't do it anymore.<P>God, forgive me!<P>TIG

It's not over...till it's over...there are so many things that can change...<P>BrambleRose, who posts on the Recovery Board, was actually divorced from her H...I think they have remarried and are in recovery....<P>Keep posting...keep getting stronger...BUT YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE....<P>The only failure is not learning and change from a situation....YOU ARE DOING THAT...you are surviving...you will thrive...<P>We will be here for you...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Cali,<P>Was Bramblerose seeing other people while they were apart? That's what I want to do. I can't see getting over him any other way, but I want the door to be open if he changes his mind.<P>Thanks,<BR>TIG

TIG - IF this is really going to happen, let him do the filing instead of you. Then if it really gets finalized, you can move forward with the knowledge that you did everything you could to save the marriage and you'll have no guilt. If you file, he and others will always be able to say YOU divorced HIM. Understand?<P>WAT

The seeing other people is so tempting and seems so necessary, doesn't it? <P>I'm not sure if she did or not...perhaps you could post to her on the recovery board...<P>I am torn...I'm not sure what I would do...I AM TEMPTED...I want to feel desirable and wanted...BUT...<P>Until formal papers have been signed and sealed...I don't know it is a call only you can make for yourself...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

You are not a failure!!!!!!!!! He is!!!!!!!!!!You did not let your children down!!!!!!He did!!!!!!God does not need to forgive you, you kept your vows before him, remember it was your H that did not! I will keep you in my prayers today, and it is not over until the fat lady sings!

WAT,<P>I understand what you're saying, but he's fighting me on visitation issues, etc., and wanting to force me to stay in-state, and I've been told by EVERYONE that the advantage is to me if I file, especially with his infidelities.<P>I'm afraid if I don't file first, he will get more visitation and pay less child support. We are actually going to try to go through a mediator, or just agree with ourselves in private. Does this sound better? Should I just tell him that I'm not going to file, he'll have to, but I will meet with him to come to agreements so he can do it without a lawyer?<P>What do you think?<P>Cali,<P>Seeing other people probably wouldn't happen until the papers are signed, but I do know that the only way I will ever get over him is by seeing other people. Holding onto this dream of him coming back just isn't going to work for me. Hey, if it happens, great! But meanwhile, self-preservation is a must. I will check with Bramblerose to see if she was seeing other people.<P>Thanks,<BR>TIG

One of my H's reasons for 'leaving' was to be a better person and be free of 'distractions' at home...(read me and children)...therefore, when we discussed visitation and child support...I said 50/50. My exact words were, "You are not going to become a weekend father...nor are you going to get to drop in whenever you feel like it...I WILL HAVE A LIFE TOO." If he was going to be 'free' sometimes...so was I. <P>Now I am in a pretty good position, because I make the bigger salary...I would probably have to pay him support--go figure, but money wasn't the issue with me...his time with the kids was...HE IS A GREAT FATHER...my sons expect to be with him everyday...He does everything I do...we could be interchangeable...<P>My point to him was that our boys RELY ON BOTH OF US...therefore, they would continue to have both of us...but he was forcing me to be a part-time parent...for the children to have only one of us at a time...<P>anyway...to make a short story long...think really hard on the issue of child support and visitation...I've watched many girlfriends get the money...but not the time...and the kids really need the time...(and so did they...time for themselves).<P><BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

I don't have any advice on who should file first etc. But you should inform yourself on divorce laws in your state. Check out <A HREF="http://www.divorcenet.com." TARGET=_blank>www.divorcenet.com.</A> Texas I believe is a no-fault state so it doesn't matter that he committed adultery. If you do decide to file first lawyers will sometimes give you a free consultation outlining your options. Or you can check out if there is "Legal Aid" is your state.

Well, TIG, I'm not a lawyer, so I can't speak to the issues of who has the upper hand. It seems to me that the outcome (terms) cannot be determined by who files first. I think that even if he files first, you can counter file based on adultery. In my state, Maryland, filing on the basis of adultery only gets you relaxation of the mandatory one year of separation if minor children are involved. Nothing else. Ask your attorney.<P>I was speaking strictly from the emotional aspects. In my way of thinking, I see no benefit to file first. That will define the symbolic fact of who divorced who - for the rest of your life.<P>WAT

TIG--<P>Sorry things have turned the way they have for you. I guess I would echo their thoughts regarding never giving up, but you know your suituation best. <P>Given your response to Dave regarding filing or not filing, I would strongly suggest that you hire a lawyer if you have concerns about issues such as support and visitation. You need to look out for your interests at this point and I doubt this is something you and your H will be able to agree upon between yourselves.<P>Good luck...stay strong<P>E

TiG,<P>I agree with Dave, let him file: however I am the one who file. Several reasons for that but basically abandoment (STBX quit his job, moved us back to the states, after we left for homeleave & moved in with OW). <P>Regarding TX divorce laws I am not an expert but my lawyer told me adultrey doesn't count for what it use to but it still does for a small % more & then it could be more depending on the judge. Even though my STBX & I both have lawyers we are doing more of the terms for now on our own, I do have a major ace up my or should I say my lawyer's sleeve.<P>Another reason I filed I really want adultrey on the final decree. I also talked this over with OS, he said he had no problem with me filing. When YS found out he understood that mommy might be filing but it was because of what daddy did.<P>I have to say since all of this went down in June; it was like this huge boulder had been lifted off of me. A friend who I met only a few mths after Dday, has said it is like I came alive. I'm not saying there are not bad days but knowing I am not going back & forth like a ping-pong ball is a wonderful feeling.<P>Everyone is different as far as dating. If you read on the D/D board you will find that there is lots of schools of thought, but the overwhelming seem to say if they dated right away is that they wish they had waited you need time to heal.<P>Also if I remember correctly I don't thinik Bramblerose was divorce just that she had file & the divorcing was progressing along toward conlusion.<P>Now me I am dragging my feet. I don't care how long it takes. I am not in hurry. <P>My OS is 17, I told him 2 yrs ago when this nightmare started that I would not bring a man into his life while he stilled lived at home. I don't believe it is fair to a child especially a boy to have to adjust to someone new the last few yrs of their life at home. His dad & I ruined his HS yrs anyway.<P>Good luck to you & believe me it does get better.

TIG,<BR>You know I have been where you are. Do you WANT a divorce? If not, make him file. It is NOT going to make a difference as to child custody. As to child support, in my state we have percentages based on income. There is NO negotiation on that. I'd check into that. I am like others here in that I've thought about seeing other people (while my H was not living at home), what I came up with was that if I began to see other people, it would mean for me that the marriage was over. As much as I wanted (and still want) for someone to love me and appreciate me for who I am, I still want that person to be my H. I don't think seeing someone while you are still torn about your marriage is a good idea AT ALL. I think it would confuse you and your children. I'm not saying that you don't deserve some happiness, but I'm saying I think right now for you it might do more harm than good. My H told me he was divorcing me 2 days after D-day. I said fine. I work for lawyers and my H wanted me to do the divorce work. I said if you want a divorce, you get one. I will not help you by doing the work. Well, 15 minutes after our conversation, he called back and said he was so confused and he really didn't want a divorce. That was 5/8. Now that he's home (not in recovery, just me trying), I'm leaning more towards the divorce. I have my moments (sometimes from one hour to the next) where I SWEAR it is not worth it. Then I have my moments where I am totally committed. I would just move on with your life (by the way, you ARE aware that you do NOT need a man in your life to be happy, aren't you?), but leave the work of a divorce up to him. Just my opinion.<P>MOM

P.S. - Are you aware that Jesus said "if a man/woman is unfaithful to you, let them leave." There is nothing for God to forgive you for. Let him support you through this. HE LOVES YOU!!! You don't need a man to love you (although it's nice, it is NOT essential). Just go be the best person you can be.

Thanks to all of you. I really need the support right now. I know I shouldn't give up. I know I should have faith that God is going to bring him home, but I just don't know if I can wait it out. I am tearing apart right now, so the only way for me to move forward is to ASSUME it's over, get on with my life, and try to enjoy it as best I can. <P>I guess with regard to dating, I won't go out and look for something, but if something falls in my lap, perhaps that will be God's plan.<P>Other than that, I will still wait and have faith that God is working on my H. If for no other reason, then at least he will save him. I would rather he come back to me after he comes back to Jesus anyway.<P>With regard to legalities, I have checked out Divorcenet.com. I know TX is no fault, but you can also file on fault. If I file, it will say Adultery. If he files it will say no fault. I want it to say adultery. <P>I'm not really worried about my H getting the upper hand in court. He drinks, curses, and goes out all the time. He never goes to church, and I have been my children's primary support in the home. I go to church, I don't curse, and frankly, my kids would rather be with me. In TX, joint custody visitation is standard - 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends, and from 6p-8p on Wednesdays. H knows this, and knows he really has no leg to stand on. He is just trying to appeal to my sense of fairness and caring, saying that it is in the best interest of the kids (11 yr. old, 9 yr. old, and 6 mo. old) if I let him come and go as he pleases. <P>He now understands that I can't do that until I am over him - it would just be too hard. The hardest part will be the baby. I can't bear to be away from the baby at this young an age. He already hasn't had his dad to bond with, and is starting to enter that stage of separation anxiety. Having all of them gone would kill me. They are the only strength I have right now.<P>I called H a minute ago and told him he would have to file. He asked me when I want him to do it. I told him it was up to him, but frankly, I want it done sooner rather than later. <P>On a brighter note, several of my other prayers were answered. I was going to have to move out of my house, and in with a friend. Well, I may not have to after all. I work at a hospital and the Chaplain's office is paying my electric bill of $1,000, and is collecting money for my rent for this month. Then, last night my cousin called and her daughter may want to move in with me and share the rent. If that happens, I can stay. Please pray that she will move in with me. She's a reliable young lady. <P>Just in case anyone is doubting whether or not God is listening, he answered 3 prayers for me yesterday. One was either "no", or "wait" (haven't figured out which yet, but my heart is telling me "no", but it could just be my emotions). The other two were the financial prayers. So keep praying!<P>I will be praying for you all, and keep those responses coming. I sure need them now.<P>Love you all!<BR>TIG

I cannot give you any great advise on this. I can however send my prayers to you and your children. <BR>

Hiya Trusting ~<P>Cali got it almost right! <P>I didn't actually succeed in divorcing my H though I tried really really hard!<P>My H's affair started as an EA in Nov 99--went PA when he moved out in March 2000. I tested postive for pregnancy 2 weeks after he moved out.<P>By August 2000, I had had enough. He had taken her on a vacation (10 years of marriage, I had never been taken anywhere) and I discovered a load of emails btwn him and his OW with her exact instructions on how to divorce me, hide his income, and basically protect himself from me financially. <P>I went to my attorney, laid down a nice fat retainer and showed him the emails : <P>I signed the paperwork to file the week before our 10 year anniversary - exactly one year ago this week!!<P>Well God had other plans, I got knocked out with some really yucky pregnancy complications, and couldn't do anything about my legal stuff until after the baby that was born in Nov 2000. In Dec 2000 - my H asked me to put the divorce on hold to see if we could work it out. <P>We went into counseling with the Harleys, but in Feb/March 2001 I discovered that while he had no contact with OW, he was dating on the side through his internet personals ads.<P>So with Steve's blessing, I reopened the divorce.<P>H went back to OW.<P>Our first court date would have been June 28th. <P>June 26th my H came and said he didn't want a divorce and he was willing to do what was necessary to move home. There was no more talk about "try" and there WAS a whole lot of doing.<P>So after 18 months of separation and 2 tries at divorce, he's now living at home. We are doing pretty well.<P>Talk to your attorney about who should file. I was told to file because we lived in separate counties, and my attorney said my county had judges that would be more favorable to my position. While adultery doesn't really matter when it comes to division of finances, the judges CAN take it into consideration in NJ (we are equitable distribution). So I filed first with charges of adultery.<P>The forum at <A HREF="http://www.divorceonline.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorceonline.com/</A> has a bunch of fantastic people that can give you alot of very practical advice. I lurked there for divorce experience, and participated on D/D here for emotional support. <P>It worked for me.<P>But really, all I did was learn to take responsibilty for my part in our screwed up relationship, and fix it. I stopped tyring to get my H to fix his part. <P>He had to decide to change for himself, and nothing was going to save our marriage until that happened.<P>(((((((hugs)))))))<P>I can totally understand the need to divorce. All marriages can't be saved, nor should they all be saved.<P>Heck I'm not sure what category mine fits into yet. I just know that for today I'm ok. It's one day at a time, no matter what route you go.<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BR -<P>Any suggestions on dating? Should I wait or should I go?<P>Thanks,<BR>TIG

Wait. Wait. And wait some more.<P>I didn't date while separated - as far as I was concerned, I had marriage vows to keep. It was simple as that.<P>But if you talk to some of the oldtimers on D/D you'll find out that every single one of them will tell you to wait.<P>Get into counseling. Learn about yourself. Heal. Get strong before dating, dont date to get strong.<P>Otherwise...you'll just be using the other person, and it sure won't do anything but end up causing you more pain.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Thanks BR!<P>You said in a way that I can't because I haven't experienced it...only anticipate what I might or might not do...<P>My head knows that 'dating' is not such a good idea...but there's a little part of BS makeup that says..."what's good for the WS is good for the BS." (we could just as easily insert wrong for good.<P>I hope TrustinginGod...that you stay true to your username...TRUST IN GOD...He will show you miracles, if you let Him...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>