Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while. I have been checking in and doing a lot of reading on all of your posts. Their great and really helpful, however, I'm feeling very lonely, empty, deeply hurt and unloved these days and am feeling a need from support from all of you. <P>I've been in Plan B for two weeks now, and it absolutely sucks! For me, it's equally as painful as Plan A, but with different side effects. I know that I'm supposed to be focusing on my children and me. That has been everything but easy. Nights are lonely and weekends are long and I've never spent a day in my life as a single person up until now. Unfortunately, I don't have a large support system, and what few friends I have, are truly bewildered by my situation and or are not able to provide the kind of support that I need. My boys are 7 and 11 and are a handful. I've had to hire a babysitter to get relief, or risk asking my H to take the kids, which keeps us in contact and allows him to continue to emotionally abuse me.<P>My H continues to call me and harass me and accuse me of being unkind and unfair and not really loving him because I asked him to leave for the preservation of my love for him. He thinks that I should stick with him and see him through this difficult time in his life "If I really Love him" per H. Is that sick or what. I emailed my Plan B letter to Dr. Harley for review and then sent H the Plan B letter last week, but he continues to only see our separation as a LB. (By the way, D-Day was 6 months ago and I did Plan A right up until Plan B last week) Please tell me how someone can be so in a fog that they can only see that their needs should be met but not there spouse's or their children's. Our children have suffered terribly. My H has become abusively verbal to me in front of them and has lost all control. During his last call to me today, when he wanted to just talk and tell me about his day, I asked him if the affair was over and he said no. I then very kindly proceeded to tell him that I was not available to talk to him until it was and please only call me about the kids or our finances as stated in the Plan B letter. I know that this hurts him deeply, but how is it that a WS can expect to continue to have his needs met by the BS and continue the affair? I don't get it. It's not logical nor is it acceptable. It makes me so angry I just want to strangle my H. But no amount of conversation from his family, his friends, or myself seems to get through to him. Why does he want to have his cake and eat it to knowing that he's going to loose the kids and me in the long run??<P>Are there any of you out there experiencing the "I want both of you, so just tolerate my waywardness and shut-up about it?" syndrome with your WS?<BR>

InLoveAndInPain,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Are there any of you out there experiencing the "I want both of you, so just tolerate my waywardness and shut-up about it?" syndrome with your WS?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> I can't speak to much of the rest, but this is my WS to the letter. She wants me to meet the needs I meet and keep my mouth shut and go with the flow on all that she wants. IE to continue her waywardness. <P> Very disheartening. I know where you are coming from and I am in the same boat. I put my fist through my bedroom door and told WS to leave if she could not commit to no contact and working on the M. However I have since come to the conclusion that I made a big mistake in that I LBed all over the place. And we do have contact daily also, which makes me feel good about my chances but also hurts a lot.<P> Good luck and let us know how it's going.<P> jd <BR>

InLoveAndInPain - Our situations have some of the same stuff. (((((((InLoveAndInPain))))))))<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Are there any of you out there experiencing the "I want both of you, so just tolerate my waywardness and shut-up about it?" syndrome with your WS?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P><BR> Exactly what I'm dealing with. I'll be mailing my plan b letter today. I try to keep very busy ( gym, jogging, tennis lessons w daughter, kung fu, reading, exploring music lessons, therapy, learning how to dance!) but the pain is always there, loneliness is always there. Sucks, huh. <P> I pray often. Sometimes it doesn't help, I get angry that I'm in this "place". That doesn't help either, but it's how I feel.<P> God bless you and your boys,your WS needs His help also. I pray for your peace of mind and happiness and growth. Plan B is about you and your happiness. He needs to stop harassing you, you deserve MUCH BETTER! <p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited September 08, 2001).]

OMG ILAIP,<P>I could have written your post. My H felt the same way when I went into Plan B!<P>He felt I should be there for him to support him while he continued the A and while he decided who he wanted. Like I was supposed to compete with the OW for him. I had already done 10+ mos of a good Plan A and I was worn OUT! I was starting to LB and my H was not about to give up OW and was very much still deep in the A.<P>Living with the A in your face 24/7 (Plan A) and having them blatantly do it infront of you, with them knowing you know IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE, no two ways, IT IS!<P>After my H left he was so angry when I went into Plan B. He felt he should be able to talk to me and lean on me, as tho I was his mother or something. <P>Every day got easier for me. It was very hard at first. I, like you, have no family. All our friends are married couples and didn't have a clue what I was doing, they were bewildered.<P>I have been seperated for 14 mos and D for nearly 3 mos. It's been very very hard for me. With no family and being alone, there have been some very dark times.<P>You can do this. I did, and if I can, anyone can. Try and start doing things that you like. If you're like me, you have to find out again what those things are. After being married 16 years (together 21) you view yourself as a half of a couple and don't rememeber what it was like being on your own. I say start out by re-visting what food YOU like. I was amazed at what I had in my kitchen, it was ALL foods my H liked. So I went shopping FOR ME!<P>I'm sorry you feel so alone and scared. I did too and still do at times. You will be okay, I promise.<P>Just know you are not alone in how you feel. It's very hard. Keep coming here and posting. <P>Love,<BR>Jo

Hi<P>I'm usually over in D/D, but I'm browsing. I am going into plan b in about a month if nothing changes. My h left me for 8 weeks while we were in another country, and two weeks ago, he took kids out for the whole day with OW. This was totally unacceptable to me, so I booked my tickets home and I've been here a little over 24 hours.<P>He tested me....tried to see if I would accept OW in our lives....well no way. It was the push that got me back to Oz. I will not ever condone his relationship with her but especially not with the kids....I told him, the night after it happened, he would never have the opportunity to do that again. So I left.<P>Sometimes I think you have to set boundaries for yourself, and your kids if you have them. He crossed the line, and I WILL not let that happen again....so now I don't have the opportunity to Plan A, except for one last nice letter I'll send in about two weeks, about our history together....if no response, he gets the Plan B letter.<P>You have got to have some boundaries, and some expectations. And if that isn't enough, you have to accept the outcome. I am drawing the hard line with my h....it seems the only thing to do now. I am fully aware that it might end us forever. But the thing that keeps me going, is knowing that I did the right thing for me and my kids. What he did is not the role model I want for my kids. If you feel that way too,go for it!!!<P>Nina.

ILAIP,<P>As hard as it is, I will tell you that what you are doing will reap results. No guarantees here but results. <P>When you H calls, remind him that you do love him but this type of communication is more than you can handle. If you are also suffering from depression or anxiety attacks, let him know your symptoms. Why? So he is aware of the consquences as a result of your actions. No explanations needed just let him know. AS if one of the children was sick or was in an accident..... you are a family member, he does have the right to know. See plan B is for him not to hurt you further, protect your love and yourself. If you give him info about the family, that can still be done but not just to make conversation. Be carefult about that. This is a hard and fine line to walk...... I tried and did not do a good job so it took several false starts but even with that bad execution of plan B H came home. Prematurely at first but he kept trying. He is home now and well I consider it 'probation time' LOL!!!<P>So what do you do in the meantime? Some of us bake, clean, start projects, go help others, take short trips, do more things with the kids. Basically keep busy. My cousin and I went to a ladies spa for an afternoon. I had a mud wrap and she had a facial. It was fun to be pampered. We also went out to a just moms lunch. Guess what? We felt guilty but had fun anyway. You have options here to get through the hard times. Yes there will be moments of despair. They will get to a more tolerable level the sooner you diverse your interests. <P>Don't worry about your H stewing over family issues. He needs to feel the effects of plan B. Not you and the children. Rememeber that. My H actually got jealous and asked if I was seeing someone because I appeared happier when he was not around. Hm..... I let him wonder about that for a few days...... It was harder to be around him during this time. You see I had to plan B even while he was at home because for a while, he just would not leave!! Oh, let me tell you that was hard. <P>Let us know how you are doing. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Thanks to all of you for your responses. Yes, they were helpful and greatly appreciated. I really enjoy reading your posts. They encourage me and I'm in great need of encouragement, love and lots of hugs.<P>I'm still not getting the relief from the constant and recurring pain that H inflicts on the kids and me. H came by this morning as planned and picked up the kids for a few hours and will be returning early afternoon. Of course, he had to riddle me some more by asking me why I was dressed and ready to go so early. He wanted to know who I was with last night and where I was going today and whom was I going to see. Get this! He states that if I start seeing another man, as if I would, that he will take the kids and leave. What planet is he on??<P>Actually I was at the gym last night, which really helps to rid myself of the stress that H keeps placing on me. I'm having a janitorial service in our home early today to sterilize the house of the contamination of the affair. I just purchased $12,000 worth of new furniture and I'm having it delivered. The other furniture is now in the garbage! Later this afternoon, a painter will be arriving and will begin his job. I will finally have the peace of mind that I need, knowing that my home is my own again and I'm really looking forward to it. That's a major positive that I'm doing for myself. <P>Why should I have to give H information as to my daily whereabouts? We discussed the expenses as per the Plan B letter and that should be sufficient. He doesn't live here and should not have the privilege of knowing or even asking about my day to day life unless it pertains to the kids or our finances. <P>I do tell him lovingly when we speak on the phone or we see each other while he's picking-up the kids that I love him very much. He just doesn't hear me. He's loosing it and I know rock bottom is near and I don't want the kids and myself to be pulled down with him. <P>I've asked my in-laws to help with arranging visitation between H and the kids so that I don't have to be involved. Hopefully this will help. Tomorrow H is supposed to watch football with the kids in our home (we have the NFL package on satellite) and I'm going to ask him to pick-up the kids at church and he take them from there and then I'll go out to lunch with my sister. I also am able to hang-up on H when we are on the phone when he decides to go off on me and accuse me of being cruel and unkind and telling me that my love has got to be superficial, or I wouldn't treat him the way I do! It just amazes me at how great the expectations of a WS can be of a BS. Should I tell him what I'm doing and where I am at all times. This is what he is requiring of me? Am I LB if I don't?<P>God this is so hard. I just want some relief and I want the man that I married back!! I had no idea that I would ever have to deal with this kind of heartache in my life. God knows it isn't fair.<BR>

Hang in there. At least you know he does care, so hang on to that and be patient. Things will work themselves out. Sometimes they need the plan B wake up call to get them to realize what they may lose. My problem was that I was worried that my plan B'ing with my WS would end up with me losing love for my S, and it happened after only 2 mos. However, WS refuses to file, and so I am stuck. After 2 mos of absolutely no contact initiated by me, she is now finding all kinds of excuses to contact me. Give it some time and they will come around.

InLoveAndInPain<BR>I noticed that your timelines seem to be the same as mine. I My D-day was 6.5 months ago. I have been in plan B now for 1 month. <BR>I wonder about our WS's and how they seem to be so suspicious of us having a revenge A on them. I haven't even looked at another man but he is asking suptle questions here and there so I know he's wondering. My WS is different in that he's very quiet about everything but I think he basically hopes to hang on to me while he has a merry old time with his OW.<BR>I think he wants me to toleratew his waywardness, like your WS does and just wait patiently by for it to be over, if ever. The problem is that in the plan B letter, I, and probably you, said you would wait for their A to end. Well, he's counting on that now, even if it takes years!<P>Maybe we shouldn't want these guys back until they are soooo ready to come back that they hate their OW.I'm rambling. Just wanted to let you know I think I'm sort of going through the same thing.