It's that time. Lets hear an update from everyone on this thread. How are you doing, how's your marriage? We care and want to know. <P>I'll post mine a bit later.<P>Love and Prayers for All.<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Well, I haven't been posting as much lately. I have been reading though. <P>We are in the process of getting a divorce. My husband is still deep in the fog. Won't accept any responsibility for his actions and doesn't realize the devastation he has caused this family.<P>I have gone back to work...school started three weeks ago. We are back to our crazy lifestlye of work, piano lessons, soccer, boy scouts, school activities, etc., etc.<P>I have had to do this alone many times before while Hubby was busy with his AF career, but this time it is different. I find myself really feeling alone and without hope of it getting better.<P>Financially, we are dying. <P>My H is trying to buy back the kids affection. Promising them all sorts of stuff. He is getting a place with his OW in KC at the end of the month.<P>I took the kids camping last weekend, and for the 2nd time took the boat out without my H. What an adventure.<P>When does life start again? I feel like I am just trying to survive each day. My family and friends don't understand why I am so miserable. They feel like I should be moving on by now. I have to admit, I am stuck in this misery. I still don't know why he did this to us.<P>I took my son to his cub scout meeting last night. My husband wanted him in this, in fact insisted on it. I felt out of place their among all the dads and their sons. Jim should be here for us. It makes me so very sad.<P>All of the kids have been affected, although their life is still much as it was before. It is my life that has lost all of its future. Sometimes I get so tired of having to be the Strong person. Sometimes I just want to curl up and hide from the world. To the people around me, I try to do what I have always done...but I am dying inside.<P>Sorry, this is not a very cheerful message. I just want this nightmare to be over.

Well let's see....I was starting to feel hopeful about my M but now I'm not sure again. Things have been going pretty good on the weekends. This week I haven't called him he ususally calls me when he gets in from work, I know he still has contact with the OW. Got another cell bill this week. This is not consuming me as much as it has been. I'm still on the rollercoaster but I think the ride may be getting a little smoother. Trying to just live day by day. Today is my family picnic WH is working right now but he is attending. Not sure how that's going to go. Will he be nice and friendly with everyone and be by my side or will he just be there. I told him he didn't have to go he said he wanted to. Tomorrow is our anniversary I know this is going to be a hard day for me. I'm not sure what to expect, I know expect nothing then I won't be hurt. I did buy him a gift and a very simple card. Monday my father has sugery (he has lung cancer) so I will be out of state with the rest of my family at the hospital. H is coming over to get the kids off to school. So, that's my update. Nothing to promising at this point. <BR>MNM.. I know how you are feeling hon. Please hang in there we're all praying for you. Things will get better. I know it's so hard to adjust to this single parent life style. I to am having the biggest problem with that. I do what I have to for the kids. I'm not sure how I feel anymore I'm still confused not sure if I even want him back at this point. <BR>cybil

Well things aren't to good for me either, waiting for WH to leave and serve me with seperation papers. I am also dying inside, I hate him for what he has done to me and the kids. All I want is to be happy again and have inner peace, take care of my children and make a life for myself. I don't know what the future holds for me but I know there is a reason for everything, I leave it in God's hands. We all hope for a miracle. Love Sally

Hey There!<P>H and I talked the other day. I have been at my parents house for a couple weeks now. It took that long for H and I to finally talk seriously on the phone. He noticed that and mentioned it. I am glad he is noticing things and it showed me that he is thinking of his M.<P>Well, we got into our wants and needs. After 30 something A's on his part and 1 on mine, all the gambling, dishonesty, and financial irresponsibility, we have realized that we have alot to repair. There is so much resentment built up that seems so unrepairable.<P>So, we decided to take a break. I first told him that I couldn't be with him until he got help for himself and was ready to be the H and father he needed to be. I told him I want to with a man whose top priority was his marriage and family and if he couldn't be that man then there is no use in being together now. He told me that he doesn't want a divorce but that he understands what I am saying and agreed with it.<P>So, we discussed living arrangements, visitation, jobs, school, money, etc... It was a really good conversation and we didn't argue. We even joked and laughed. We agreed to talk about it more when I got home. He told me his schedule and told me to call on his cell if I needed him. He talked to our daughter and then we said goodnight. I hung up the phone and had a good cry.<P>I woke up this morning feeling sad though but confident that this is the best thing for us. So, we'll see how things go when I get home next week. ....... <P>I am both scared and excited, but I know I will be okay. <BR>So, that is what is going on my way. Whoa...the possibilities!! <P>Clouds <P>

Wow. Sad thread so far. I'm afraid my story is just as bad...I usually lurk here, so I hope I'm not intruding.<P>I left my H in another country on Thursday because he took the kids out with OW about two weeks ago....our doing this<BR> was really sped up by that event....I would have had to leave by December anyway if we hadn't reconciled, and it didn't look like it was going to happen. So now we are living with my very caring parents, and trying to feel like this is normal.<P>He is in South Africa. I sms'd him today, giving a phone number that he could contact us by; hoped he'd ring, at least for the kids' sake, but he didn't. Oh well...shouldn't have any expectations, I know.

Well, just to hopefully add a little light here...<P>We've past two years since d-day, two years since Robert left me to live with PT and are almost at two years since he came home. <P>Some great ups, a couple of absolutely miserable downs, all in all, pretty good, I'd say. Definitely more ups than downs.<P>PT writes or calls once in a blue moon now (quite a difference from the original 20 times per day!) and we pretty much ignore it. I don't know, she doesn't really bother me at all...I think I bother her more. In fact, unless I read here or share our story, it never really crosses my mind. <P>Robert still works too much, I STILL can't get really used to working at home (I'm trying, though, I really am). <P>Isn't it great? My only complaints are just normal ole' married stuff??? Thank you, MB!!!!! <P>Marriage is better than ever and getting better each day. I'm happy, he's happy, Kristin's happy. She's a senior in HS this year. My biggest problem now is my intense dislike for her boyfriend (and those who know me know I like pretty much EVERYBODY!).<P>Guess that's it. Pretty boring, huh? I love it!!!<P>Love,<P>Lori

I guess I feel that I've reached a standstill. It's been 2 mos since I found out that the supposed EA between H and my ex best friend was actually physical. It happened almost 6 years ago and we were separated for 9 mos because of it. The friendship was permanently destroyed. It took me 2 years to rebuild trust. Well, last August he started acting the same way, saying he didn't love me, etc. We went back to counseling and I stressed to the counselor that this affair was never resolved and I wasn't going to continue working on anything else until it was.<P>I had to wait 9 months to find out the truth. That I really resent. In that time, I was very depressed and even had anxiety for the first time ever. I hate being lied to.<P>He was finally coerced into telling me the truth at counseling. His affair involved not only Ea, but having sex in her car, at her house, making out at our office and being with her IN MY BED. He sent her flowers and wrote to her at work over the internet, along with cards. The violation of their being in our house is by far the worst part for me to get over. I used to love my bedroom, now I'm sleeping on the couch. Spending almost 2500 to redo my sewing room into a bedroom.<P>I go to counseling but I'm not rushing anything right now. I did in the past and it came back so much worse the 2nd time. I hate the lies, their sneaking around, the fact that they had everybody convinced 'nothing' happened which made me look like an overreacting lunatic.<P>I'm praying daily that I'll be able to forgive them. I know that forgiving her will be much harder. We were very close and she was still seeing me almost daily while they were together. We were also neighbors and her (ex) H is and was my H's friend and partner at work. Very messy.<P>I am feeling very badly that her ex (our friend) doesn't know the truth. My H continues to be with him socially almost everyday. I don't know how he can handle the guilt. H tends to be very selfish and self centered so I guess that's how he copes. He also won't tell his family anything. He had them convinced I was an awful wife and person to appease his guilt during the affair and he's never told them otherwise. Makes me not want to spend any time with them at all. They basically abandoned me for almost a year and I wish I could forget that but I can't.<P>I can tell this is going to be a long, painful process. I am very grateful that we are both in counseling. I am happy that he tells me he feels terrible and answers my questions. He lied about quite a bit at first 2 months ago. Even to the counselor. That really set me back a LOT. I don't think I will ever completely trust him or any friend again. I know my counselor says self-preservation is wrong but for me it's only common sense. I view sex and marriage in a VERY conservative way. I really do believe it's a covenant with God. <P>Everybody makes mistakes and I'm trying hard not to pound him with this. But it's so hard and I feel so alone. I know I couldn't go thru this again. Twice is enough.<P>I know that the hard work will be worth it. But right now the pain outweighs that feeling.

You all may think that it crazy for me to even have an update since it is I who is the mother of an OW and my husband and I are in plan A with her. Anyway I do have an up date so here goes. <BR>I have a professional friend who I have known for about 15yrs. Our kids are somewhat the same age. We have shared updates "the ups and downs of parenting" over the years so he knows about daughter. Unbeknownbst to me, he lives in "morman country" in our state. He told the story, of my daughters A with a morman Bishop, to his barber who is very high up in the Morman comunity and acutally a neighbor of my friend. He didnot name names. This Morman barber paid an offical church visit to my friend and ask for details. He called me to see if I would be willing to talk to this man. I explained the times that we have tried to step in through the church, letter to MM etc. and how it all has slapped us back in the face. I gave him some information that would enable an envestgation if the church wanted to do this. My friend understands that we are in plan A with our daughter. He understands that we want this man to get caught but can not be linked to it in any way.<BR>What I found out; MM is still with his wife and family and is still a Bishop. I have my doubts that the church will do anything about this.<BR>I pary every day that:<BR>My Daughter will find her way out of this with the lesson learned.<BR>For the small boys that are living through uncertainty at home ( what a role modle he is)<BR>For this wife who I believe knows and hurts and likely LB's alot.<BR>That this man will stop bringing disrespect to his wife, family and the office of Bishop.<BR> <BR>That I will stop obsessing about this and get on with my own life.<P>Extended families of affairs HURT too.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Marry

Here is my update for everyone. My WH is still living at home with me and our 4 kids, and he professes to want to work on our marriage ,but he is not doing anything. He says he's just lazy and he knows he needs to do something but he's not. He basicaly would like everything to return to like it was before. Of which, i won't go back there. My H is very controlling. I'm a stay at home mom, and he has his own business. HE controls all finances and all decisions. He still does what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. He buys whatever he wants. HE's been like this for a very long time. You see, we moved back to our hometown, and his work is out of state. I've basicaaly been a single parent for over 3 years. He pays the bills, but their usually only paid when we get shut off notices. Very embarrasing to say the least. The thing that I don't get is that he makes over $100,000 a year. I'm at the point where I want to say see you later bud. I've Plan A'd for the last 6 months and he's here but no wanting to change on his part. Like I said he's been like this way for years. He won't move us back and he doesn't want to give up his work out of state. So, thats my update. I wish it were more uplifting to you all. PAytonrose

H and I have been in recovery for about 3 1/2 months now. And things are going fantastic! It was pretty rocky at first (he was still in contact with OW#1 for the first 3 weeks of moving back home), but there is no longer any contact (Thank goodness!!).<P>H has been WONDERFUL!!! He is trying so hard now to work on our marriage with me. I'm getting to feel as though he's putting more in than me now. I'm hoping it's more to the point where I've come accustomed to my plan A efforts, and they are more of a habit now, so I don't necessarily recognize them. (how's that for justification? )<P>Last week, H told me of the fact that some emails I had forwarded to someone this past April (who sent it to someone else, who sent it to a social worker), got to the worker in charge of OW#1's application for adoption, and it was denied. (the emails were copies of chats with my H and her during the start of their A... talking about how wonderful it was to get that first kiss out of the way, and hoping to plan weekends away together, etc). I gotta tell ya, it made my day (and week... probably month and year too... hehehe) to hear that HER actions coupled with my reaction caused HER pain and suffering. Not to mention, most importantly really, an innocent child will not be subjected to an environment where the mother is out screwing around on the father, etc.<P>H has really opened up lately. We found out that OW#1 is actively seeing another man (who lives 1 1/2 hours away from our city), who's also married (just like she is). H is hurting more than he's letting on. He is hurt mostly b/c he honestly believed that they had something really special between them. Now he knows (as put in HIS words) "I was just another f*** to her". He now truly sees how she was using and manipulating him all along. And he regrets being with her. He also admitted that he didn't get what he wanted from her either. All he wanted was a friend to talk to.. not a lover.<P>I'm sad that he's feeling pain, yet at the same time I'm thrilled that she is no longer a threat to me. All the more reason for me to finally stop giving her so much power over me! AUGH!! And look... here I'm doing it again! (but it feels great to share with people who understand ).<P>So, overall update: things are going great! The kids are doing great! H and I are doing great! MB REALLY WORKS!!! <P>Karen<P><BR>

Resilient - what an excellent idea, to post updates.<BR>Well I am trying to stay positive, but it's very hard some of the time. We rarely meet (WS moved out 2 days after D day), and when we do it tends to be brief. I'm in counselling with Steve, so that helps, but my W is still in the fog. I keep getting mixed messages, it sounds as if the OM has dumped her and shes feeling real hurt and pain at the minute.<P>She will occasionally say things like the house has got to be sold, and next thing she will offer to visit my Grandma with me, and I think the last time I saw her she had her engagement ring on, although it was the right hand.<P>We've just entered month 5 now, I read on here somewhere the other day that months 5 and 6 are the hardest, I must admit it feels like it at the minute!<P>mands

MY update - terrific, fantastic, wonderful!!!<P>My marriage's update - 12 months plan A; 2 months Plan B; denial, no change.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited September 09, 2001).]

All is still on pretty even keel with me and my H. He desperately wants to come home and work on US yet he's still thinking of the OW. Claims that he fell in love with her and didn't mean to hurt me or our children. He wants to try to put things back on track when he is released from prison. Hopefully this will occur sometime within the next two years. Our communications are still weak due to the excessive costs of collect calls from jail and he is not much on writing, yet he is improving.<P>Not much can really be resolved until he is physically home so.......I wait, wait and wait some more. Yet, I find that the longer that I wait, I sorta like being on my own. <P>I'm too old for this crap......LOL!<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

My WH left on d-day, 6.5 months ago. I plan Aed for the first 5.5 months, then plan B. About 2 weeks ago I called H(I know I shouldn't have) and told him I wanted to buy a house. One that I could make the payments on myself. <BR>He came over immediately to look at houses with me. He seemed interested in houses that he liked, not that I liked. We went for lunch and had a pleasant time. <P>I later asked him if he thought it was a good time to buy a new house with all the craziness going on in our lives. He responded that he thought we should wait. <P>Last week he contacted me every day except Friday by either comung over to do his office work or phoning me. This is very unusual. But the weekend came and she is off work and I did'nt here a thing from him.<P>When he contacts me it is usually money related but that is the only thing he feels comfortable discussing.<P>That's where I'm at.<BR>Connie

Things are fantastic for us. 5 months past mid April D-day (W's internet EA). In recovery since mid June. Right now we are Marriage Building with gusto. <P>Most of our remaining difficulties lie with my current MLC. So there's lots of Jeffers building going on right now. But, I'm beginning to see that there might be light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to lots of help from fellow MBer's.<P>Jeffers<P><p>[This message has been edited by jeffers (edited September 09, 2001).]

I started coming here after I found out that my new hubby was carrying on over the internet with one of his former GF's, who lives 800 miles away. I threatened to leave him and was making plans to do so when he approached me with great remorse and an offer to go into marriage counseling. I went along, not really sure that I wanted damaged goods, but over the past 10 months, I have felt my love, respect and affection coming back for him. He does feel very bad about what he did.<P>This is the first month that I have not felt resentment or pain about the EA so I think I really have recovered. One thing that helped TREMENDOUSLY was the installation of spy software on his computer a month ago. Now I know with absolute certainty that he is doing nothing wrong on the computer. In fact, one old girlfriend contacted him during that time [2 x] and he deleted her messages. So I think he really is being faithful and truthful with me now, which is a great relief. His EA was such a blow to me because we had JUST GOT MARRIED and my number 1 EN is admiration.

Still here and not much change. D-Day was about 5 months ago and I don't think that my W has had any contact with OM for about 4 months. However, I'm just a roommate and a father for her children. My W keeps busy with work which is usually in the evening and weekends. She can set her own hours much of the time and she chooses work and the company of those that she works with. She has not shown any sort of affection in all of this time and she says she doesn't know why. Maybe still in the fog? I can't tell.<P>She initiated sex once about 2 months ago before I left town on a short business trip but she told me it was just part of the homework Steve encouraged her to work on. Way to go Steve. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to matter. She stopped doing homework a long time ago.<P>In our feedback discussions, she won't even bother planning on meeting my needs to SF, Affection, or Rec. Comp. She doesn't know what to do but she says I am meeting all of the emotional needs that she wants me to meet. Go figure that one. Tells me not to be too pushy so I've had to limit notes or letters to once a week or less, I can't hold her hand when we walk, can't hold doors for her, can't buy her anything, etc. This all makes her feel uncomfortable but she says its not guilt.<P>So much for the September update. I'm hoping to read more success stories and waiting for her to return from the mothership.<BR>SG<BR>

I've stopped posting. But I'll leave you knoew my update although it will probably jinx me. <P>My H and I are doing fine. D-day was sometime this month, a year ago. I've been on the rollor coaster since. H moved out in August (still plan A). It was a mutual agreement for him to move out. No LBing involved. <P>We've talked a lot since. He comes over every night almost. We've talked about negotiating in our marriage, our fears of falling back into the same trap, and things that have changed. H has responded to my plan A with love and affection. <P>He often states that he wishes none of it would have happened. We seen and TALKED to OW for the first time since early August over the weekend. <P>I asked how he felt towards her. He said he has no interest what-so-ever in her. The last time I asked that he said that he still had feelings for her and still kissed her. <P>I can tell he is sincere in rebuilding this marriage, he looks at me like he is falling in love with me all over again!!

Well where to start...it has been almost 2 yr since d day and 1 yr since contact ended (I think, I don't know exactly and it really is not that important. I know that it ended). The first 6 months were the hardest, but I have to say that I learned a lot about myself and my H over that time. The veil that I wore where he was concerned was lifted and I developed a more realistic and healthy attitude about him and our relationship. I saw him (and myself) as he really was for the first time in our married life. And it was at that time that I really began to question whether or not I wanted to remain married to the man that I saw. <P>Yes , he was still in contact with OW, in reality she was still pursuing him. He did tell her to stop calling our home and he transferred to another office far away from the original. She kept on, he lied to me about it and I reached the point that I just could not take it anymore. Not so much the A, but just him. I finally realized that I had two choices, get out or get on with OUR life. I went to our counsellor and had a very honest conversation about how I felt and then went home and asked myself some very hard but honest questions. The conclusion being that I loved my H very much and I married a man that I wanted to share my life with. That didn't mean just the good times, but also the bad. And this was just one small piece of an almost 20 yr marriage. I did decide though that if it didn't end, I WAS out of there as much to protect myself and my feelings as anything because I had reached my limit.<P>I had a sacrificial fire and 'gave back' all the stuff that OW gave H which he in turn had given to me. H was there and I told him what I was doing and that I was letting go of all the negative feelings. Things got better after that. <P>Now...we have both changed a lot. We have our priorities straight. We spend almost every moment possible together, talk a lot about anything and everything - some of our conversations are difficult but we get through them, make all the decisions together, just basically share everything.<P>It was NOT easy. The deception took its toll. My H gained 25 pounds due to his depression (Marie - I like him a little heavier, I think it is sexy on him), he is not the same passionate man that he used to be but I see pieces of it coming back a little at a time. He has aged, you can see it in his eyes. But I think now he is at peace with life because he knows that he has wife that loves him just as he is and has stuck by him through this difficult time (MLC) in his life. She has also learned what his needs are and meet them every single day in some manner. <P>As for me, I have learned who I am and what is important to me. I have learned how to communicate this with my H - still not always easy but I keep trying. I am no longer afraid, and fear played a big role in a lot of things that happened over the years.<P>I would say that all in all we are doing pretty well. I feel we are still early in the process, but having seen where we came from it feels like we have made great progress. I see it continuing in that manner as long as we both keep US in the forefront of everything that we do. <P>It IS a process...sometimes long and hard... but time and patience and love can win out in the end. <P>P.S. Hey lostva...seems like we have drifted off into one of those gorgeous Atlantic sunsets these days. Glad that things are going well for you. Thanks for all your help in the early days...you inspired me and the results you see here.<P>