What do I do?<P>DDay was last August 5th.<P>What she needs from me: <P>> to remain in the area so that the children will not feel so abandoned and be hurt less by our separation/divorce<BR>> financial support till she can support herself, before she can do that I need to support her through her certification and for another year or so till our green card gets processed.<P>We just signed a year lease for an apartment of her choice that takes almost half my pay check. To cancel we need to pay an additional rents pay. I can sell some remaining employee stocks to pay this off, but no down payment for 2 smaller separate apartments.<P>> Since we are strapped for cash she wants me to stay at home while she continues seeing the OM. Since I travel a lot I will only be home on the weekends plus a day or two ... maybe. She can then sleep with the yougest one.<P>I didn't read this site or the books till about 10 days after DDay. Hence I made a selfish demand since there is a threat attached ... I said either you stop contact with the OM for six months to give us a chance or I leave now and move in with my Sister or Mother, I will still support you financially but I cannot stay here while you will be seeing this OM. She agreed to the six months.<P>Since then we had been reading other books from Phil McGraw and John Gray ... finally found this site and it seemed so much more down to earth... or rather easier to read and personalize ... she actually found it first and I found it by chance when I was entering marriage in the address field of the browser and this site popped up. I read it all .. almost .. started with asking her to fill out LB and EN questionnaries and started working on them.<P>We started reading Falling in Love, Staying in Love but stopped at chapter 6 because her parents came for the long weekend ... plus she was studying for come Continuing Ed ...<P>I requested changes at work so that I can spend more time at home, they are keeping me local and having 3 day week travel sites untill we can find a position that will keep me local.<P>When she gets back from her continuing ed next week, I plan for us, to make a plan for us rather me, to go through the workbook and make a plan with her for me to work on my LB and her ENs so that she can see my progress and not just see what I do ... so she can see there is a plan in the works ... a plan that shows improvement.<P>We both agree that we both contributed to the downfall off our marriage, but I don't think she believes whole heartedly of her contribution ... I know I have criticized her in the past and I am sure that has contributed to a lower sense of self-esteem.<P>Right now she is caught up with the idea of needing to be in love to make things work out ... it kept her going in the past years .. (we are married for 11 years and have 2 children 2.5 and 11 years) .. to forgive and try ... but since she has realized that she has fallen out of love for me and now loves another she cannot she herself working things out with me. She believes that she doesn't fall in love easily and that this means something and she has to decide wether to sacrfice her happiness again for the sake of the family or to pursuit her own happiness. Right now she is leaning way more on her own happiness ... I disagree of course but I can understand where she is coming from .. understanding now more about unfulfilled ENs<P>One of my LB is Disrespectful Judgements ... and I am guilty of trying to make her understand the basic concepts of MB, but I am sure that has caused some aversion to it as well. Now as soon as I feel like I am lecturing or pushing I hold back to say I do not want to push and said I will wait for her to read and understand the concepts on her own.<P>As MB says, every now and then the FOG lifts and she says things like she is sorry that things got so far, she wants very much to give me a chance, that she tried hard but was not able to make me understand the severity of ths situation because of her timid personality, but most of all for falling out of love for me. There was a time she gave a huge hug when I gave her something she really wanted. She even kissed me on the lips before she left the car for the airport gate, I guess for all the support I have given her knowing things may not work out in six months. <P>The last thing we seemed to be working on was me smothering her ... she agreed to give me a sign that I was choking her .. since I seem so dense when it comes to this ... I asked if I could wait with her by the gate since there is an hour wait but she gave me the choke signal ... than I find out later on when I came back to give her the single white rose to place in the bud vase I stashed in her luggage ... only to see the OM with her.<P>I spoke with her the next day and asked if she read my email she said no .. i guess my email didnt reach her .. but she was persistent and I ended up telling her what I saw .. she said that OM chanced calling her on her cell knowing this is a big day for her and asked if he could come and she said she reluctantly agreed ... I could hear from her voice that she was very sorry about what happened and she asked why didn't I approach them .. I said I was afraid what I would say to her and what I would do to OM ... in a public place ... bad mix. She really seemed sorry and made it a point to call me whenever she could all day long yesterday and today ... <P>We both agreed that this was bad for our budding friendship ... I tried to ask then for her to commit even more to not seeing him etc ... but all I got was silence and not wantign to talk about him ... which means you know what ... she has slid back ... big time. I have to work again from scratch if she will even let me ...<P>If she doesn't finally readdress her cell phone bill back to us and not commit to not see the OM .. what do I do?<P>Sorry for the length of the email ... and I wish to thank in advance all of you who are still awake and able to respond to this post.<P>Thanks again,<P>B2O >> God has given me, my marriage and my family a "Burden to Overcome". I have faith and will do whatever I can and leave the rest to Him. <p>[This message has been edited by B2O (edited September 08, 2001).]

Welcome to MB B2O! Please do not feel ignored here... weekends are typically slow on the forums. And this weekend, it's seems to be tenfold!<P>You're only one month past d-day. That's not long in MB terms. Although it is possible, affairs don't often end once the secret is out in the open. Be prepared for a long journey (just in case).<P>Keep on reading on this site. By all means, it's just as important to post and ask questions if you feel the need to. We're all here to help each other out as much as we can. But remember, none of us (to my knowledge) are professional counsellors... we're just everyday folks who are dealing with similar situations. But an outstanding support group to have! <P>My suggestion to you, is to read up on Love Busters and avoid doing them as much as you can (it gets easier as time goes on.. trust me on that one). Get the concepts of EN's, and find out what the top 5 are for your W (and for you too).<P>Once you've done that, you are ready to plan A your heart out! If you're like me, it will take a few months to get the hang of it (but again, hopefully you won't have to be in it for that long).<P>I wish you the best of luck!<P>Karen<BR>