Please disregard other posting .. it had the wrong title ... thanks.<P>What do I do?<P>DDay was last August 5th.<P>What she needs from me: <P>> to remain in the area so that the children will not feel so abandoned and be hurt less by our separation/divorce<BR>> financial support till she can support herself, before she can do that I need to support her through her certification and for another year or so till our green card gets processed.<P>We just signed a year lease for an apartment of her choice that takes almost half my pay check. To cancel we need to pay an additional rents pay. I can sell some remaining employee stocks to pay this off, but no down payment for 2 smaller separate apartments.<P>> Since we are strapped for cash she wants me to stay at home while she continues seeing the OM. Since I travel a lot I will only be home on the weekends plus a day or two ... maybe. She can then sleep with the yougest one.<P>I didn't read this site or the books till about 10 days after DDay. Hence I made a selfish demand since there is a threat attached ... I said either you stop contact with the OM for six months to give us a chance or I leave now and move in with my Sister or Mother, I will still support you financially but I cannot stay here while you will be seeing this OM. She agreed to the six months.<P>Since then we had been reading other books from Phil McGraw and John Gray ... finally found this site and it seemed so much more down to earth... or rather easier to read and personalize ... she actually found it first and I found it by chance when I was entering marriage in the address field of the browser and this site popped up. I read it all .. almost .. started with asking her to fill out LB and EN questionnaries and started working on them.<P>We started reading Falling in Love, Staying in Love but stopped at chapter 6 because her parents came for the long weekend ... plus she was studying for come Continuing Ed ...<P>I requested changes at work so that I can spend more time at home, they are keeping me local and having 3 day week travel sites untill we can find a position that will keep me local.<P>When she gets back from her continuing ed next week, I plan for us, to make a plan for us rather me, to go through the workbook and make a plan with her for me to work on my LB and her ENs so that she can see my progress and not just see what I do ... so she can see there is a plan in the works ... a plan that shows improvement.<P>We both agree that we both contributed to the downfall off our marriage, but I don't think she believes whole heartedly of her contribution ... I know I have criticized her in the past and I am sure that has contributed to a lower sense of self-esteem.<P>Right now she is caught up with the idea of needing to be in love to make things work out ... it kept her going in the past years .. (we are married for 11 years and have 2 children 2.5 and 11 years) .. to forgive and try ... but since she has realized that she has fallen out of love for me and now loves another she cannot she herself working things out with me. She believes that she doesn't fall in love easily and that this means something and she has to decide wether to sacrfice her happiness again for the sake of the family or to pursuit her own happiness. Right now she is leaning way more on her own happiness ... I disagree of course but I can understand where she is coming from .. understanding now more about unfulfilled ENs<P>One of my LB is Disrespectful Judgements ... and I am guilty of trying to make her understand the basic concepts of MB, but I am sure that has caused some aversion to it as well. Now as soon as I feel like I am lecturing or pushing I hold back to say I do not want to push and said I will wait for her to read and understand the concepts on her own.<P>As MB says, every now and then the FOG lifts and she says things like she is sorry that things got so far, she wants very much to give me a chance, that she tried hard but was not able to make me understand the severity of ths situation because of her timid personality, but most of all for falling out of love for me. There was a time she gave a huge hug when I gave her something she really wanted. She even kissed me on the lips before she left the car for the airport gate, I guess for all the support I have given her knowing things may not work out in six months. <P>The last thing we seemed to be working on was me smothering her ... she agreed to give me a sign that I was choking her .. since I seem so dense when it comes to this ... I asked if I could wait with her by the gate since there is an hour wait but she gave me the choke signal ... than I find out later on when I came back to give her the single white rose to place in the bud vase I stashed in her luggage ... only to see the OM with her.<P>I spoke with her the next day and asked if she read my email she said no .. i guess my email didnt reach her .. but she was persistent and I ended up telling her what I saw .. she said that OM chanced calling her on her cell knowing this is a big day for her and asked if he could come and she said she reluctantly agreed ... I could hear from her voice that she was very sorry about what happened and she asked why didn't I approach them .. I said I was afraid what I would say to her and what I would do to OM ... in a public place ... bad mix. She really seemed sorry and made it a point to call me whenever she could all day long yesterday and today ... <P>We both agreed that this was bad for our budding friendship ... I tried to ask then for her to commit even more to not seeing him etc ... but all I got was silence and not wantign to talk about him ... which means you know what ... she has slid back ... big time. I have to work again from scratch if she will even let me ...<P>If she doesn't finally readdress her cell phone bill back to us and not commit to not see the OM .. what do I do?<P>Sorry for the length of the email ... and I wish to thank in advance all of you who are still awake and able to respond to this post.<P>Thanks again,<P>B2O >> God has given me, my marriage and my family a "Burden to Overcome". I have faith and will do whatever I can and leave the rest to Him.

B20,<BR>I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know that all kind of emotions are going through you right now. Kudos to you for plan Aing and sticking with it. I am sorry she did not.<P>The first thing you have to ask yourself is...DO YOU WANT HER BACK? DO YOU WANT THIS MARRIAGE TO WORK? If your answers are yes, then you have to continue to plan A but then add plan B to your program. I hate to say this, but you cannot make her do anything she does not want to do You are gonna have to let her go to play it out(It won't last).<P>I know that is hard to hear. I have been through it and so have alot of others who will hopefully address you. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do besides having my daughter and getting teeth pulled It gets worse, you are gonna have to cut contact with her...except to deal with the children. I know you have read, well I hope you have read all of the Q&A on the site and some of Dr. Harley's books. If not, check out what Plan A and B are about.<P>You might need a breather after you realize what you have to do. Let me ask you this....if you were in your W's shoes and you were able to see this OM and have your H too like it is just a walk in the park, would you want anything to change? If you allow your W to continue to have her cake and eat it too , what makes you think she would want anything to change. <P>Your W is, yes, in...the...fog. You have to focus on you now. Your W can see this OM without the stress of what her "REAL" life has to offer. She is living a fantasy now. When reality sets in, she will be knocked back down to earth She will be hurt and probably go through symtoms of withdrawal. You do have a long road ahead, but you can do it.<P>Trust in the Lord. Ask Him to help you through this. If you give it all to Him, He will be your strength and courage. Work on bettering yourself. That is one of the advantages of our situations, it forces us to look at our lives and ourselves in another light....and that is a good thing Come here to vent and to post everyday if you have to. You may not get immediate replys, but believe me, they are reading. <P>We are with you. Hang in there. READ...READ...READ!!! <BR>Take care,<BR>Clouds<P>[This message has been edited by INTHECLOUDS320 (edited September 08, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by INTHECLOUDS320 (edited September 08, 2001).]