My 2-year old D loves her father and has become very much a family person (loving her parents together in the same room, in the car, etc) as I imagine most kids do. How do I protect her from him not being around? Also, ALL her primary caregivers will be DEVASTATED (i.e. grandparents, aunts, uncles) with the news of separation so how do best deal with this? Any web sites you can recommend?

Love her to bits yourself, and be prepared for the endless questions about where daddy is. She will need you and at her age probably cling to you. She may be frightened if you leave her anywhere because she will fell you won't come back. You must constantly reassure her, and give her lots of attention.<P>As for the adults in the situation, yes they will be devastated, but you need to let them deal with it themselves. My family and his are really sad for us. His family's main concern seems to be that they won't see the kids...so you need to reassure them about this, and make the effort to allow them at least as much access as they have now.<P>Hope this helps.

Talk to her lots. Explain in simplest terms what is going on, not all of it, just the part where her Daddy isn't going to be "living" in the same house. Reassure her constantly that you BOTH still love her very much. Ask her open questions about how she feels and what she thinks. Let her know it's ok to be mad and sad and confussed. Try not change her schedule much at all.<BR>My daughter was 3 when I left her father and we talked all the time. I let her speak her mind whenever she wanted to even though there were times I didn't like what she was saying. She blamed me alot at first too so all her anger was directed towards me and that was hard. She also ended up sleeping with me for about the first three months. That was hard forme too but she slowly got out of that habit once we got settled into our new home.<BR>My daugher is now a well adjusted, happy (as happy as any young teen who just started menstrating for the first time can be!) young teen. She doesn't display any signs of pent up anger or resentment.<BR>I think your duaghter will be fine. Just be there for her,comfort her.

There has been quite a bit of research into the "sleeper effect" - that a sizable percentage of children, even those who seem to deal ok with the divorce at the time, suffer serious psychiatric problems 5, 10 or more years down the road.<P>I personally think it is wrong to tell a child that the absent parent loves them (or doesn't). You have know way of knowing absolutely how another person feels - though it would seem logical that no woman or man is worth leaving your children for if you love them. I strongly believe that a person in an affair who leaves his children is INCAPABLE of love at that time, although they may have loved their children in the past. <P>How can you tell a child that their father loves them very much but doesn't want to live with them, or doesn't want to spend more than a couple hours a week with them, or less, in many cases? How can you expect them to buy that?<P>

The child has nothing to do with the affair.<BR>If the marriage broke up for other reasons would you still assumme the parent doesn't love the child? My love for my daughter had nothing to do with my leaving her father.<BR>This child's father is very capable of loving his daughter, he just might not be capable of loving his daughters mother at the moment. The two do not go hand in hand.<BR>I never doubted my Dads love for me when my parents split up. And I spent as much time with him as I wanted to and believeme, he had more than just a few hours a week for me, he made time always.<BR>This child will feel loved from both parents if both parents make the effort and act like adults in this situation and not put the daughter in the middle.<BR>You can probably think I"m in your so called "sleeper" position but after 26 some odd years, I seriously doubt it.

shedawg,<P>It is extremely rare for long-term marriages to break up for any reasons other than infidelity or physical abuse - and when there is physical abuse, hopefully the children would not remain with the abuser. People who are in an affair can be counted on NOT to act like adults. They can be counted on not to care about the impact on the kids.<P>Within a year after divorce, only a small minority of non-custodial fathers are spending any significant time with their children. Many men spend far less than the 12 hours a month my H spends with our kids. Within a few years, many non-custodial fathers are seeing their kids once a year or less. <P>Many, many OW's will do almost anything to make sure that the father does not stay connected to anything related to his past marriage, including his children.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>This child's father is very capable of loving his daughter, he just might not be capable of loving his daughters mother at the moment.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So? That thought is supposed to be comforting to the kids? As one of my kids said after their father left, "He must hate you more than he loves us." Anyone who loved his (or her) children would be so wracked with guilt that they would not be able to able to live with themselves if they left their kids.<P>

My husband and I had an appt. with a child psychologist the week before we separated and it was the best thing we did. She had alot of tips on how to actaully tell the children that H. was moving out and how to help them deal with it. Alot of what she said was common sense stuff but was stuff neither one of us thought of.<P>H. has been gone almost a week now and the kids have an appt. with the child psychologist this week and another one at the end of the month just so she can assess how they are doing.<P>I would highly recommend seeing a child psychologist!

Terrified,<P>I can imagine the sadness that you are feeling about the separation. I am so sorry for your pain.<P>Here are some web sites that might be useful to you.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.momshousedadshouse.com/index.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.momshousedadshouse.com/index.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.childrenofdivorce.com/index.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.childrenofdivorce.com/index.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.mediate-divorce.com/kidsneeds.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.mediate-divorce.com/kidsneeds.htm</A> <P>This is a long article that is a classic about research on the effect of divorce on kids. It is very good, but be forewarned that it is depressing. The author has also written books on divorce and children. <A HREF="http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/family/danquayl.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/family/danquayl.htm</A> <P>As an educator and the grandmom of a 2 1/2 year-old grandson<BR>whose mother moved him 600 miles away from his dad (my son), the effect of separation and divorce on children is a special interest of mine.<P>Your H OWES your D his presence in her life. It is his responsibility to be there for her. If he will not fulfill that reaponsibility, you cannot make him. What you and the rest of the family who love her can do is to provide the most stable, suportive environment you can. It sounds like you have family support around which is a blessing. Although it will be hard, it is also important to avoid negative comments about her F. She is so young that all this will be hard for her to understand. <P>My GS's terrible twos became even worse. He has had major temper tantrums. We call them "come aparts." The psychologists say that children will have tantrums when they have frustration they don't know how to express. He tells all of us, "Don't leave me." or "You came back!" when we come and go. <P>My S's child psychologist (He took GS, not DIL.) said that a stable, consistent environment was best for little ones. <BR>You (and the other support members in the family) have to do your best to provide that for her. When her D comes to his senses, I pray that he will do all that he can to make it up to her. I hope he realizes what a dangerous psychological situation he has put his baby girl in. <BR> <BR>BTW the separation of S and DIL did devastate us. I cried for weeks, read many books on forgiveness. Separating GS from his adoring dad is the most outrageous and damaging thing that DIL could do. Adults will work through the pain. Little children don't know what is happening. I unhappily believe that children of divorce are changed forever even in the best of cases. <P>Even though DIL is the one who filed for D and moved to another state to be with OM, my S is going to give up a wonderful job and a home he loves to move close to his son.<BR>That's how important it is for a dad to be in his child's life.<P>Take care, love your baby, be thankful for your family, and keep trying to impress upon your H how important his presence is in his D's life.<P><BR>

Thanks so much for all your replies. I'm trying to make up for her "daddy's" lapses but I know, in my heart, it's not enough. E49, thanks for those references. I will use them. <P>Your kindness and understanding is cherished. I fear so much for my daughter's well-being and future. This is now the only basis for any negative feelings I have for my H.

I'm hearing you, terrified.<P>My WS has not left, and I may just put up with the A. I am plan Aing my butt off to find a way we can stay together without driving me crazy. If WS does not leave on own, I don't see how I can plan B, because of kids. My parents got a divorce (Father married OW) and there is NO WAY I want that for my kids.<P>(Also, my D is 2!)<P>OTOH, I have had to face that this may happen, and I can't have what I want all the time. While a D is not optimal for kids, God is big enough to heal them and make their lives abundantly blessed, even if WS makes poor choices.

Hi BG, Good to hear from you. Since my H is definitely leaving, I really don't have a choice of putting up with A. However, I've realized that I don't want half a man anymore but I do want to try to raise a very emotionally healthy and happy daughter. I'm not familiar with your story, I'm sorry but how long since d-day for you? Do you only have the one daughter?