As you know, we are in the process of getting a painful divorce.<P>My husband is so clear that this is what he wants. He is still deeply in the FOG and totally in love with his 28 year old flight attendant.<P>I am going throught the various stages of grief--anger, disbelief, depression, acceptance, back to anger and depression.<P>I know these emotions are typical of this scenario. But I still feel that this divorce is wrong. I love my husband and tho our marriage was not the greatest, it had many wonderful aspects to it. We have a great family with four kids that need and deserve their parents--both of them. I need my husband. I miss him.....But he doesn't feel that way. He has already embarked on his new life and is not turning back. <P>Will he ever see what was good and wonderful in our relationship. Will he always see me as this evil person? Will he always blame me for his decisions?<P>I know we had lots of areas where we needed to improve our marriage....but he never talked about it and definitely never tried to initiate it. He always turned to outside affairs. I thought that was just getting his ego fixes....wish we had gone to counseling for that.<P>I hate that my life is turned upside down. I hate that he is not here to help me raise the kids. I hate that he says he doesn't love me. I know I still love him and probably always will. I don't like how he has treated me. I don't like the disrespect he has shown me....but I do miss the good parts of him. <P>I wish our marriage had turned out differently. I really don't think that is what he wants tho. He is too in love with this "bimbo" who thinks he is her knight in shining armour. I wish I didn't feel so forlorn and lonely. I wish I knew that this is the direction God wants our lives to go in. I have to run...the kids are calling. Take Care Everyone

Hi mnm, I know exactly how you feel read my post, hurting deeply I just posted it.I to am going through the stages of grief, I am also feeling very sacred. We had 18 years of marriage, high school sweethearts, 3 kids. WHY?? I hope he feels the pain he has caused me and the kids. He wants out of the marriage there is no hope for us either. I believe that they will see the good in what they had, and what they gave up, they will realize that we are not the evil person they need to justify what they are doing so of course we are the ones to blame in there eyes. You reap what you sew. I to miss the good parts of my H but they are gone, at least for now.My H says the same things to me and he is very disrespectful to me, read my post Take care my prayers are with you Sally

mnm,<BR>Sorry I've been off for a while. I was on a business trip for 2 weeks (I did reply when I was gone to you). But I've been out of touch here - and partly because I haven't seen much of your posts.<P>If you could Plan b, maybe alot of this stuff would take care of itself. <P>Tell me you've been reading some of the books.<P>I really feel for you and I am so sorry this is happening to your life. Someday - don't know when - your H will see that things aren't all that great with OW either. I think he will do the same things to her. That does not help what you are going through right now. Will enough time pass for your H to come back to you?<P>Your position is that he is with her, and he will divorce you. I know you are going through pain, anger, remorse, guilt - but your emotional state is not helping you to see clearly because you may be weaker in these areas - whereas he is strong because his self image of himself is heightened because of OW, and he is going to take advantage of it, and you may get less than what you deserve. You will let him because you are vulnerable right now.<P>You should only have the best. Unfortunately for you right now, you are the one who is not out having fun as he is. You could start Plan Aing, you need to decide what plan you are going to do. Your waffling is typical, i know you really love him, but are you going to allow yourself to be treated in this manner. I do believe someday the euphoria of this new love will wear off and he will see things differently - You really need to read some books on Affairs. This is emotionally beating you up. If you want to talk some more I am here. hugs, aftershock

Thanks After Shock and Sally,<P>Yep, I have read tons of books and on line sites. <P>Right now, I am in the process of recording all the things his lawyer asked for in the interrogatories. I am trying to protect my family as well as I can.<P>Emotionally, I am not doing as well. I guess I am still having problems dealing with this reality. My H has written a number of emails...no more phone calls. He brought his girlfriend again to KC to see my eldest daughter play a college soccer game. That is the last time I have emailed him and it was a pretty big LB. <P>His emails are cold and really indicate that he has moved on. He expects me to "accept the divorce". He was shocked that I got a restraining order against him. He still feels that he has done nothing wrong and has been there for the kids and me.<P>I know I should accept this and move on...and I don't know why it is so difficult for me. The loss of our family, our future, all of our plans.....it is killing me.<P>I am starting a divorce recovery class next week in KC. Hope that will help me to start moving on with my life. I just feel pretty empty at this point. <P>I haven't been posting much either...too depressed and nothing hopeful to write about. Since school is back in session, I am so very busy with my schedule, and all 4 kids and their activities. I have had a lot of support so far in this mess from this little community....but I feel like their patience is wearing thin...they have had to listen to 5 months of misery. Now, I hate to even talk to them about it....most are still married and don't understand why I am not more angry and willing to move on. I don't even know why I am not ready myself.<P>Everyone who has been through this says that I will be happier without him. Sure wish I could see that. I just wished he still wanted to be here with me and our kids. But when I think back about all his affairs....something has been driving him to continually do this. Realistically, I don't think he has loved me in quite awhile...and finally he found someone who will go along with him. <P>Oh well, I am just venting again. Have to get back to work on those interrogatories. THanks again for your replies. Pat

MIM...I feel for you, honey! The first thing that struck me as "queer" in your post is the fact that your H's OW is a 28 year old flight attendant. Now I ask you and others, what would a woman in that position want with a man who already has a wife and four kids to boot? Is she not concerned about the financial hole that this man will eventually residing in when he has to dish out child support for each of his offspring? Do OP not think about the way that their "lovers" tend to place their kids needs as secondary to all else? How can anyone fall in love with a person whose personal needs are greater than mankind? I feel that a selfish person will most probably remain that way despite their living arrangements or environment. <P>MIM.....perhaps the OW deserves him and his "ways" because you deserve far better. Hang in there! <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Is there any way you can postpone theD? I was wondering how long it has been since your d-day??You mention 5 months of misery. Is that how long it's been?<P>It just seems to me that if it's only been 5 months since d-day that you WH still needs more time. It's the law here in Alberta that the unfaithful spouse cannot D until 1 year has passed, the BS can file anytime. They probably realize that the WS is likely to change their minds. <P>My suggestions for you are to try, hard as it is , to create a life for yourself, with or without him. Make it apparent to your H that you have plenty to offer to him or you can been quite fine on your own, thank you very much. <P>It's been 6.5 months since d-day for me and I still cry. But I have found the most success with my WS is when I'm creating a life for myself ie. going back to school, redecorating the house the way I like it, and am not preoccupied with him but with my own life.<P>I found it really hard to become interested in anything but I sort of forced myself. It is starting to become easier and I am starting to look forward a new day.<P>Do something for yourself!!!

Wow,<BR>I can't believe how your replies helps lift my spirits. I really have been down this weekend. <P>I found out about my H latest affair on April 1. He has had 5 or possible 6 before this. <P>He was an officer in the AF and flew the newest bomber in the fleet. He did a lot of remarkable things...and I stood by him for 21 years. He retired last year...big ceremony, tons of people flew in for it. It was quite an honor for both him and I. He had had an affair the previous fall. He flew all over the country being wined and dined by the big defense contractors. He actually had two affairs with Northrup officials. <P>Those were really tough times. Perhaps I enabled him because after his first major affair in 1990...I took him back even though I had told him that I would never do that. But...I was pregnant at the time and had two other little ones at home...and I was frightened to go on alone. Then he was stationed at the Pentagon and again was wined and dined and really had a big ego. He went from that to this assignment with the new plane...and was one of the imp. decision makers here. Anyway, he has pretty much done these affairs knowing how much it hurts me. He really apologized last year tho and we went through the emotional separation from the AF--the way of life we had known for a long time. He started with the airlines, which of course involves a lot of time and very little money the first year. I work full time, and again was pretty much the only parent all last year. He was not home one weekend, one holiday and no vacation. He came home on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursday which are my busy days at school and with the kids schedules (I have a daughter who is a senior, another daughter who is a sophomore, a daughter who is in 4th grade and our son who is in 2nd grade). <P>Anyway, I went into my automatic robot mode in order to survive last year. H used to come home tired and grumpy and I think it was hard for him to come into "our" household and have everything working without him.<P>He bought $15,000 worth of building materials to complete a family room upstairs and also insulation for our downstairs. We spent a lot of time planning, organizing and picking up the materials. He seemed happy. Then towards the end of Jan and beginning of Feb. he bacame very distant, angry and was drinking way too much. It culminated in March with him throwing my oldest daughter into the wall because he wasn't happy with her working during the week at Sonic's. The next two weekends he left without calling us at all. Usually he called 2-3 times a day. When he finally came home, he was angry because I was finishing vacuuming the great room and he threw up his hands and stormed out. That night he went to bed without kissing me goodnight and went to sleep. I had a hard time going to sleep because of the way he was treating me. I woke up at 4 and it hit me that he was having another affair. I got up and checked his cell phone....and sure enough...there was a message from this flight attendant about how much she loved him and couldn't wait to see him again. <P>It has been downhill from there. April thru June he came in and out of the house like nothing was different. At the end of April he decided he could no longer stay here. But he still came back every time he had time off. <P>He grew colder and colder to me. Told me he had better sex with her than he had ever had with me. Now, I am this horrible "witch" who has never been there for him. I NEVER met his needs. <P>He has brought his girlfriend with him to our home, on our boat and took my little ones to their motel. He has tried to justify his affair to all four of them. Last week he tried again with my oldest daughter who plays on a select team in KC. He brought his OW to her game and tried to get Meg to go out to dinner with them.<P>He doesn't feel he has done anything wrong. I did get a restraining order on him because he came into the house and took our safety deposit box, cussed out my second daughter and threw me against his truck when I tried to get the safety deposit box back.<P>He is emailing me now messages that say...I hope by now you have accepted the divorce. "We have to be adults about this. We have to move on. I am doing the best I can for the kids and the family. You must realize that I am not a bad person. Leslie knows I am a kind and caring man. Too bad you don't" It is an emotional nightmare.<P>In the meantime, My lawyer sent me three huge packets of interrogatoris to fill out with all the minute details of our life together. I was supposed to have them done two weeks ago. I did get one packet done...but that is all. Just don't have the time with teaching and the kids activities. I have to work on them tonight.<P>THen, as if that is not all...my emotions are horrible. Yesterday and today...I have been miserable...I really miss him. I miss him being here. He was a hard worker...and we for the most part had a good family. He just wasn't committed to me. How sad. I wish he would come back...we need him...but only if he wants to be here and is willing to change. And he doesn't want to do that. He has gone on with his life. <P>It is hard to cope with the reality of it. I will probably miss him for a long time. Sorry for the long post.

Just had a long talk with my eldest daughter. Hubby called her four to five times to talk to her about why he brought OW to her game. He blamed it all on me because he didn't know her schedule--no one had told him--he hadn't meant for her to be seen by daughter. RIGHT!!!<P>He again went into how their relationship is so special. Meg said she listened and then just got quiet. She said she was tired of hearing his excuses. She did say tho that he is very confident about what he is doing. She said that he sounds like he has convinced himself that this is the right thing to be doing. <P>I know my H. Once he has made up his mind...he won't change it. In his mind now, I am the one that has caused him to do this. As he told me in an email the other day, "Leslie didn't cause the break-up of our marriage--you did." <P>Wish I knew how I did that. But I know I can't change his perception of things. I hope some day someone hurts him like he has hurt me over the years. I can't ever imagine ever hurting him or anyone like this. I really don't understand. Oh well...... <P>

Wow,<BR>The full affect of this divorce is hitting me. Have been depressed all day.<P>My daughter said that H is determined and confident about what he is doing.<P>Our rental manager called today and said that our lease is up on our retirement house on Lake Champlain and they won't sign a new lease unless we purchase a new heating system for $1000---which we don't currently have.<P>I got a letter from a realtor today who has two prospective buyers for our condo. I really don't want to do that--I will never be able to afford a place as nice as that again--right on the lake. <P>I am just sick to my stomach that he is doing this. All of our hopes and plans--just thrown out the window. I am realizing that from now on, I will be stuck in this little tiny Mo town---a nice place, but not some where I wanted to spend the rest of my life. <P>I feel so awful today. With the proposed divorce settlement--it looks like I will be barely above the poverty level with all these kids. You know, I have worked so hard for Jim and his career---I have been at his side for years, even through all his affairs. Now he leaves me and feels no remorse for it. How could he do this. Please advise. I feel like I am falling apart today.

Dear MnM,<P>I am sorry, I got to your post quite late. I want to be here for you. What he is doing is clear, clear as mud and you know what mud spells backwards is...... <P>Everyone sees it different from him. Smart man with all those stripes and bars..... can't keep their head straight for nothing...... nope power goes to their head on both ends..... dumb dumb dumb..... MNM you are better than that, you deserve not one who looks good but one who treats you well. <P>I hope you H wakes up from his high horse before he falls off. Some think they are too good to be brought down but that is not true. The higher they are the harder they fall.... He will need you one day but when that is, is unknown. You 2 have history and children. OW can't compete with that. Be proud of your accomplishments. You may not have the bars and stripes but you know what it took for him to get to that level. OW couldn't do that for him and it is only a matter of when that he will see that. <P>Again take care of MnM, she is a beautiful lady. A real lady no crummy OW can even come close to your level of beauty and dignity.<P>take care,<BR>L.<BR>

Thanks Orchid,<P>I wish I could get him to see. I don't know....his head is somewhere else.<P>I have to run to work...hope you have a great day. Pat

My husband called tonight to tell us that he was ok. He was supposed to fly back to KC this afternoon, but had to stay in Memphis because of the tragedy.<P>I told my husband that I don't agree with his latest email. He told me that he thought that what he was doing was for the best of us. <P>He has realized after 21 years of marriage that we didn't "work" together and that this was the best for the kids. <P>I told him that I still loved him and I did not agree that this was done for the best of the family or me. We talked for awhile and then he got mad and said he had heard me "vent" for over a half hour and that he had enough and would not listen anymore--he then hung up on me. So...the end of our story...

Just not doing well. Too much sadness around.<P>I too thought maybe this would awaken Hubby about the importance of family. But no....he is determined to go on with OW.<P>Says he wants to remain involved with the kids if "I let him".<P>He can't see past his own needs. This is so sad...and I can't get out of this emotional hole. I feel like I am getting worse every day. I have never been this emotionally done before. Nothing makes me happy right now. I really need to get some help.<P>I went to that divorce recovery class the other night. I don't know if that is where I need to be. How do you feel better. I know what everyone has said, but I just can't get there. I am starting to get worried.<P>We do have a history of depression and suicides in this family. I have never considered that...but I have never felt this out of control with my life either. I have never felt this depressed. What has happened to me? Where is my old confident self?<P>He has made me feel so much like left over garbage. I know it is not true...but emotionally it really hurts.

miseryinmissouri<BR>I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Have you seen a doctor about antidepressants?<P>I hate to even see you mention the suicide word. Please get professional help if you feel you are not able to pull yourself out of this. And keep posting to us. We are all here for you.<BR>I know you've probably heard this before but take each day as it comes- one day at a time.<P>How was the divorce recovery class?

My husbands "almost" affair was with a flight attendant...he backed down when I found out.<P>Are flight attendants allowed to date passengers???? I almost called the airlines to report her I was so annoyed with her (and believe me, really p'd off with him).

Thanks for your comments...I think I am going to have to look at antidepressants again. I just can't get this out of my mind. And I am not sleeping well...I stay up to late and then wake up every night at 4 or 4:30 with my mind racing.<P>I am going to try to go to bed now tho. Take care everyone!!