I am so tired of this sexless marriage. There is no emotional touch either. Its as if we are just a household team.
Married 20 years, he has never been one to want it, always me. OFcourse it had to be the same way and nothing new. No games, no surpises, over in a quick second. I have always tried to build him up, even when I was crying inside.
The last 5 or 6 years it has been dwindling. From a couple times a week, too about once a month starting a couple of years ago. To 3x two years ago, and once in the last 1 1/2 years. I am a sexual person, I loved it when it was every day or everyother day when we were first married. I can comprimise. Even if it was just once every other week it would be something. But NEVER?
He finally went to the Dr's almost a year ago about the problem. If i brought it up every few months, he would say quit bugging me about it. THats why I am not checking into it. But hell, who wants to have sex once a year? That is not normal or a happy life for anyone.
Okay the Dr. says low Testornone. Still one time of quick sex this fall. Just went back to the Dr's, he said now its too high. So he has an appt in a few months. I cannot beleive the dr doesn't think its a problem to wait more and more months. JI have begged him to ask for Viagra. I think he lies and tells the Dr he is a bit better.
He has told me 2 years ago that if I wanted to take a lover, I could. THis still brings tears to my eyes.
To the outside world, everyone thinks we are the perfect couple, perfect marriage. He is home like clockwork, never hangs out with the guys. Never goes any where on weekends or weeknights either. He is happy with our life. I am not.
We took the test on here. Intamacy is the lowest on the list. He could care less if we ever made love again. There is no touching, no hugging, nothing. We do not go to bed at the same time. If I go to bed he stays up, until I am asleep.
We never have really talked. I could not tell you even 3 things from his childhood. He says he doesn't remember. He never has asked about mine. I said don't you want to know? he said the past is in the past.
I grew up in a abusive and neglectful home. I have always felt alone. I have never had anyone I could talk too, or tell a secret. He knows nothing of my life, what even I feel now.
Why don't I leave? Children, and I have a need for expensive meds that I need through his insurance. I do love him, but don't like him. But sometimes I wonder if I love him like I do a brother or is it like a husband?

Sorry LL, I feel for you. It sounds like your life is not only sexless, but affectionless, a doubly hard place to be.<p>First of all is he seeing a urologist or endocrinologist? Lack of libido, impotence, premature ejaculation, and hormone levels are all rather tricky areas and not all general practioners are completely up to speed in these areas.<p>Is it possible that sex has become more a stress than a pleasure for him, especially if he felt that his "performance" was not up to par?<p>As far as not remembering his childhood, maybe he doesn't. I had a friend like that and he told me that it was characteristic of people who had alcoholic parents.<p>We went through a period of estrangement and two things that made a big difference were taking walks holding hands and almost always going to bed at the same time.<p>Maybe more focus on recreational companionship would be in order for a while. What were the most important emotional needs for him? It is a good sign that he did do the questionnaire and has gone to the doctor.<p>Take care

Hi...I can definitely relate to your situation. A sexless, or dwindling sex, emotionless, affectionless relationship will take its toll in the long run. You are frustrated, as I was. You have not had an A? I give you my praises for remaining faithful, as I did not. You have to do something. I know from experience that if your H begins to feel that he is pressured to perform, he will want to perform less and less. However, it is EXTREMELY selfish on his part to not want to help himself to fufill your physical and emotional needs. You really need to evaluate your situation. My parents just got divorced after 23 years of marriage...it was for the best and the children (me, my brother, and sister) are doing just fine.
Take care.

Dear lonely-life:
I could be your twin. I feel like I live in the same house as you do. 19 years: The first couple of years were pretty normal. Then kids came and I was the one doing the rejecting, the one who didn't want it. It is now going on two years for me. At age 40, I need this emotional and physical attention to validate my own worth. He refuses to give me any kind of validation. I really think that it is more than some sort of lack of drive on his part, as I know that he buys videos off of direct TV, and I have seen receipts for other things that break my heart. Coupled with my situation is also a verbal and emotional abusive man who has succeeded in building huge walls around us. It really does hurt to think about the fact that you may have to live the rest of your life in a non-emotional and non-caring marriage. And because of all of the time and the emotional baggage, it is not something that you can just jump right back into and feel comfortable about.

Wow! I can't believe how similar your stories are to my own. I'm 46 and have been married for 10 years to a man who "just isn't very sexual" as he puts it. In previous relationships I had always enjoyed a very active and fulfilling sex life. With my husband at first the sex was good, but not foften enough for me. Maybe 2 times a week. He was very social and there were always other people around. He always preferred to "save it" for when we could get away alone and "relax". I foolishly thought this would improve. We had a child within a year. He's a great guy and everyone thinks we have the ideal relationship. I'm tired of living the lie. <p> By the 2nd or 3rd year we were having sex MAYBE once a month. I was frustrated, hurt, and fed up with all the social activity. In fits of desperation sometimes I'd find myself begging for intimacy...trying to let him know that I've been so hurt and humiliated! He always claims to understand, but over the years it has only gotten worse. I finally got him to realize THIS ISN'T NORMAL. He went to the Dr. who found .... guess what... low testosterone. He took the hormones for about a year...maybe we had sex a couple of times...then he just quit taking it. Not important to him. "Not very sexual".<p> Meanwhile, I became pre-menopausal, depressed and gaining weight. I saw my womanhood slipping away before my eyes. I was barely hanging on emotionally. Zoloft kept the marriage together for the next couple of years. Once in a while one of us would try to spark a flame. The last time we had sex was a year and a half ago. I ended up seriously ill ... I got peritinis from a ruptured ovarian cyst... nearly died... recovered... more cysts... hysterectomy.
I'm fully recovered now and in dire need of emotional support and intimacy but I might as well have married one of my brothers! I keep begging him to seek help... he agree to and never does... I get more depressed, gain a few more pounds and... get more angry... that just gives him all the more reason to withdraw. It's a vicious circle. I love him dearly but I just don't know if I can live like this until our daughter grows up. I don't want to leave and I've always been faithful but now I'm seriously considering looking for a lover. Will that help or just add and another dimension to the problem?
WHY ARE MEN SO SELFISH.....AND SO DIFFICULT????

I tell my husband that all the time..we are roommates..not husband/wife.<p>Unfortunely, I do not have the answers..I am still looking for them myself. I do know you are not alone.<p>As for the medication..I too suffer from a condition where my meds are over 15,000 a year. His insurance pays for it completely. At first when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis he was supportive and concerned. Now, he doesn't even ask..and I don't even talk about it..I just take my meds and my injections( REMIcaDE..wonderful stuff) and go thru life. He doesn't understand why I want to trave so much now and not when we are older..I want to enjoy my mobility as it might not be there 30 yrs from now.

I must say... there is a bittersweet comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I suppose the male animal has evolved somewhat as a sensative and emotional being but we (women) are light years ahead. I'd venture to bet that most men with wives who don't want sex just go get it elswhere and have no qualms about it! What is it about these guys that captivates us to the point that we dedicate our lives to them "for better and for worse"??? We let ourselves become financially dependant and they just take everything for granted...our love, our loyalty, our service to THEIR needs... Why don't they care about OUR emotional needs once THEIRS are met???
But I should really put this question to a man. We can have our theories, but they have the answers. Of course getting those answers out of them is harder than pulling teeth! What on earth do they think they have to loose??? They have only EVERYTHING to gain!!! <p>I think of the old cliche "I gave him the best years of my life" as a joke... now it just makes me want to cry. I love my husband and I love men in general...but if I had it to do all over again I would NEVER have given up financial independence. I need to get myself re-established as a person before it's too late. Again he promises to seek help but I'll beleive it when it happens. I don't want to leave...but I can't live the rest of my life like this. <p>Sorry to rant and rave...I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm at the end of my rope. Thanks for the opportunity to vent. <p>xoxo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by forgotmypasswordagain:
<strong>I'd venture to bet that most men with wives who don't want sex just go get it elswhere and have no qualms about it! What is it about these guys that captivates us to the point that we dedicate our lives to them "for better and for worse"??? We let ourselves become financially dependant and they just take everything for granted...our love, our loyalty, our service to THEIR needs... Why don't they care about OUR emotional needs once THEIRS are met???
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Your post contains lots of anger and I'm guessing it reflects lots of pain. This is not a man/woman issue. This is just a human being issue. There are many men on this forum who are suffering through months or years of no sex and who have NOT gone elsewhere to get it. There are men who are married to women who had sex before marriage or before kids and then suddenly stopped.<p>Nothing is accomplished by such a man asking "what is it about women that once the are married long enough to qualify for alimony and a good property settlement they stop having sex? Why don't they care about our emotional needs once their financial needs are met?"<p>What is needed is being less angry and accusatory and more supportive. Find out what your spouse needs. Don't jump on him when he tells you or you'll wait a long time to get anyhting else out of him. Whatever he says he needs is what he needs. You may not want to do exactly what he wants but try to find workable compromises rather than reasons why his needs are impossible, unacceptable, abnormal, ridiculous, etc.<p>You are hurting and that is no fun. We are here to support you. Hopefully you and your husband can find a way toward each other from here. Take care.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by whatwentwrong:
<strong>The first couple of years were pretty normal. Then kids came and I was the one doing the rejecting, the one who didn't want it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>There is no quick and easy way to get back together from this situation. That doesn't mean it is not possible. But it will take time and effort on your part. Y9ou pushed your husband away and rejected him. Is it any wonder that he built walls around himself? Now you must motivate HIM to tear down the walls. You cannot get rid of them. He must want to do it. You have to be such a good wife that HE wants to come out from behind the wall. And when he does, you have to handle him gently and accept him so that he doesn't run back inside. <p>This is not easy to do for long when your needs are not being met. But it is do-able. Come here to get refreshed and recharged. We are here for you and will help you as best we can to save your marriage. Lots of us are in your shoes and we understand, and feel for you and will do our best for you.

In reply to holdingontoit: (forgive me if I've posted this twice)

Yes, I'm hurt and I'm angry and so frustrated I could explode. I have every right to be angry. But don't assume that I have been unsupportive, unloving, uncaring. I adore my husband. Everyone loves him. He's a great guy and the most devoted father. <p>But he is no more intimate with me than he is with his clients, friends, casual acquaintances. He just WON'T go there. I have tried sooooo many different approaches. He is not receptive. Doubts my sincerity. Knows he has issues and over the years he has agreed to seek help but gets "too busy" and continues to avoid the issues. Another year goes by and it only gets worse. I can lead him to water but I can' make him drink. Should I just find a therapist and schedule his appointment? I was hoping he could at least take THAT initiative. <p> Here's a little more history. Long story short: My husband's mother (Dad's second wife) took older brother #2)left him with his dad when H was a baby. (Dad's first wife left older brother #1 and never came back) Dad's third wife left and took 2 younger sisters when he was about 12. His own prior relationships ended with the ladies leaving. Translation in his mind: "Don't get close because women leave". I don't think it takes an expert to make the connection. His very fear of intimacy is pushing me away. <p>What about MY needs? I've been loyal and devoted for 10 years. I love him dearly but I can't go on like this for 10 more years. Just trying to hang on until my daughter is a little older and hoping against hope for a change in the meantime. But now I have my own emotional scars to deal with. I can't cope alone anymore. Everyone thinks we're such a wonderful couple and I'm miserable. I feel like I'm keeping a dirtly little secret. Am I supposed to remain celibate the rest of my life? I don't know the answers. I begin therapy myself next week.... I appreciate the forum in the meantime.<p>Thanks for being there.
XOXO

I really feel for all of you. <p>At the same time I can't help but feel grateful that I have found this forum. For years I felt like something was wrong with me because I wanted to have sex more than my husband did. I did research on the internet and all that I could come up with were women complaining about how their husbands wanted sex all the time and they didn't. I felt like a freak. <p>Now, even though my husband does not want to have sex with me at all anymore, atleast I know that there are others like me out there. Misery loves company I guess.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I grew up in a abusive and neglectful home. I have always felt alone. I have never had anyone I could talk too, or tell a secret. <hr></blockquote><p>lonely-life, I grew up in a similiar environment and often feel the same way. There is no need to feel completely alone...there is support here.

forgotmypasswordagain, it's good to vent...and yes we are here to support each other...<p>Take care everyone. <p>E. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Espie (and everyone) for your support. Come to think of it, I grew up the only girl with 3 brothers an absentee father and a domineering mother. I always felt alone and neglected. I really need intimacy from my husband in order to feel complete. There is some comfort in knowing I'm not alone. <p> I was fortunate to be a young adult when it was socially acceptable for an unmarried woman to enjoy a sexual relationship with a man she cared for. I had a few really satisffying partners. It's so ironic to me that I fell in love and married a guy with no sex drive during what is supposed to be the prime of my sex life. But enough of feeling sorry for myself. <p>Good news... again my husband is seeing the Dr. for Testosterone and I think this time he really might go for some councelling. Wish me luck.<p>Now I wonder what we can do for the others who suffer in silence as we do.... Too ashamed or embarrased to talk about it. Or possibly they're stuck with partners who are even less understanding than our guys. <p>Time to come out of the closet...don't you think?
Gotta go to my daughters open house now but will check back in the morning. Tomorrow is another day.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by forgotmypasswordagain:
<strong>
Now I wonder what we can do for the others who suffer in silence as we do....
Time to come out of the closet...don't you think?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Definately. I think raising children to not suffer in silence is a great start. I don't have children yet...and if I ever begin having sex again...and have the opportunity to have children...I would hope to pass on a confidence in their sexuality. My mother tried, but she had her own issues. <p>I would really love to continue this conversation, but, I have to start dinner. Wifely duties!!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This is becoming addictive...I haven't got a thing done in hours. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
E.<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: Espie ]</p>

forgotmypasswordagain wrote:<p>"But he is no more intimate with me than he is with his clients, friends, casual acquaintances." <p>My W had/has a long distance EA with a business aquaintance. She has not been interested in sex (with me at least) for over 2 years. We 'do it' once every 9 to 12 mos now. I am not havng an affair and will not have one. Even though I have had some 'very nice' offers recently! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It is not a male vs. female issue!<p>I have told my W that the physical side is very important to me and if WE can not get it back then our 20 year M is doomed. She has told me it is important to her too, but she doesn't have 'those feelings' for me any more. In the last two months my plan A has worked to the point of her wanting more intimacy (not much, but we're going in the right direction). [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just thought I would give you the faithful H perspective.<p>Gib

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Or possibly they're stuck with partners who are even less understanding than our guys.
<hr></blockquote><p>In my husband's defense I have to say that he is an understanding guy. We were just stuck in an emotional needs tug-of-war for a few years...mine for SF...his for an attractive spouse (which ultimately leads to his SF). <p>I'm working on a balancing act now.<p>E. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: Espie ]</p>

Here it is 4 months later alomst, nothing has changed. Still no touch, no lovemaking. I don't even approach him anymore. How many times can you be turned down. Saying I am too tired etc.. <p>Has anyone else that replied lifes changed? Sometimes I have thought what if I did find a lover. What if I fell inlove. What it would be like to know someone wanted me, yearned for me. I can't imagine anymore what that would feel like.<p>I also have been finding myself not even wanting my husband, is it that I am so angry. For different time periods over the last 9 months I have been sleeping on the couch. He doesn't care. I guess less pressure as he doesn't go to bed if i am awake.