In one of Dr. Harley's books he states that women who are unfaithful usually tend to move on and not continue to have feelings for the OM, but men don't seem to be able to do this.<P>My H still admits that he cares for the OW. He tries to explain it be trying to make me see that I am the same way about an old boyfriend. We dated for 3 years during High School and had become very emotionally and even physically involved. He asked me if I would feel concern for that person now. The answer is NO. It never even crosses my mind to think of him in those terms. I remember his name, but the only reason I even still know where he lives is because of mutual friends and the Church. I can honestly say there is absolutely no affection.<P>He doesn't have any affection for any of his old girlfriends. He probably couldn't even tell me their names.<P>Will I have to just learn to live with the fact that my H has affection for another woman. I understand that he is saying it is NOT Sexual, but it is emotional. She means more to him than the other coworkers at the plant. He felt pain when he heard she was having mental and emotional trouble even though he doesn't feel he was the cause. Some of our friends were having all sorts of marital trouble and he never even thought to mention it to me. It is obvious there is a difference.<P>I'm not sure that I can deal with having to share his affection. I am not sure he is capable of feeling enough affection for me alone, let alone another woman. I don't feel he even feels affection for his own sister or mother.<P>I also feel that women have a harder time accepting the fact that their husband feels affection for someone else. Men understand that most women are overflowing with affection and there is plenty to go around.<P>

Well, once again I am one that proves all the "statistics" wrong. It's been over a year since the ending of the affair ... and I still have many feelings for the OM.<P>I know he's a lying deceiving jerk, but I do still love him in some sort of way.<P>I'm just wondering if I have to accept that and just compartmentalize him into my heart somewhere for all time.<P>

How does your H deal with it, or does he even know?

I can not remember the length of your H's affair or what kind of relationship he had prior to it becoming an affair. I think those are both factors. Time passing is another and how the affair ended.<P>I don't honestly think my H was ever deeply emotionally involved...more sucked in and was thinking with something other than his brain. I think by the very end of their contact he actually thought she was a little psycho and did not even like her or respect her, much less feel affection. I think guilt of his involvement with her was his overwhelming emotion, plus he felt sorry for her because whe had made such pathetic choices in life.<P>So OW isn't always a treasured memory, but he never really put her down to me, either. I think that is because he felt 100% accountable for his actions. In this case, that was a good thing.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Essy, most probably my H doesn't completely realize the feelings are still there. We don't discuss the OM ... he knows there are still triggers that get to me though. Some certains styles of music, etc.<P>I'll just probably bury these feelings down deep ...

My H's OW was a pro husband collector. My H's comments are, it was never real, it was too perfect.<P>She was always sweet and inviting. Even after they stopped she acted sweet. "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. If she needs to call me and vent that's okay, I will be kind. I sure hope you guys make it."<P>Right after I found out about them, she put her son in the same preschool as my daughter. They ended up in the same class since there was only one for that age group. I knew she was going to do this because it was something I would have done if I wanted to really aggrevate the wife and keep my claws in a man that I knew loved children. When it happened I was not the least bit surprised, but I was furious. I came unglued and called him at work with one question "Did you tell her where our daughter goes to school?" When he said yes it had come up, I told him to get out. He asked me what was wrong and I told him go ask your B****.<P>He called her and she acted so innocent. "I just enrolled my son in that preschool you told me about. I hope I didn't do anything wrong, why is she being so unreasonable." She just made me the bad guy and she became the good guy. She expertly gained love points for herself and encouraged him to lose love points for me.<P>He defended her to the end and even accused me of overreacting. "She told me that it was the only preschool that had any openings." I got on the phone and found my daughter another preschool that had room that very day.<P>The point is, even though he knew even before that she wasn't a very good person and would never be the kind of wife he wanted, their relationship was completely without conflict. They never faught or argued. There was never PMS to deal with or even bad breath. The didn't see each other sick. It will always remain perfect.

Maya:<P>My counselor ( you know... one of those people who helps you DEAL with these types of feelings??? ) had a way of helping me to get them out of my mind... not just stuff them down, but make it so they don’t matter any more. Remember how the Minnesota weather was always my “trigger,” much like music seems to be yours? Whenever my “trigger” would occur, instead of stressing about it, I was to say to myself, “Silly WhoDat! There you go again... I wonder how long it will be before that doesn’t happen?!?” Lighthearted, not dwelling, and then attempt to move my thoughts to something else.<P>It worked, but it took a LONG time.<P>Essyboo... in reference to your initial question... I think I still have affection for the <B>feelings</B> I felt for the OW, but not for her as a person. Helps that she’s everything I never wanted in a woman, I suppose. She’s not very nice, but while I had those incredible feelings overlaid on top of her during the affair, none of that mattered.<P>Also... I am the exception to the rule as far as non-sexual affection goes. There simply can NEVER be enough affection and romance for me, while my W just isn’t the type. She’s trying, though. <P><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

WHODAT !!! Was that a counselor jab? You're lucky I have such a good personality! LOL LOL LOL<P>The triggers have eased up, and I have gotten the "oh well" attitude on some of them. I guess others are gonna take longer, huh?<P>

<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>WHODAT !!! Was that a counselor jab? You're lucky I have such a good personality! LOL LOL LOL<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Huh?!? Who... me??? Would I do something like that? <P>I can’t tell you how relieved to see the sense of humor instead of the stress. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The triggers have eased up, and I have gotten the "oh well" attitude on some of them. I guess others are gonna take longer, huh?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Take a more active part, as I gave in my example above. If you attempt to quash it down with anxiety, it just makes the feelings stronger. If you take the lighthearted “silly me!” approach, it removes the power the trigger has over you. It’s slow, and there were many times I thought it wasn’t working, but the end result is worth it. Very <B>very</B> few thoughts, and when they do come, no emotional component whatsoever.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Yes, and amen. If I don't give the thoughts that POWER over me, then they do ease up.<P>Wow. You've been holding out on me, Whodat. I do wish you'd be more forceful in your opinions! Come out of that shell!

He still can't think of me with the pure love and affection that he still thinks of her. His comment of there never being any conflict makes sense, but there was and still is conflict and he is blind to it. <P>Why can she continue to get the benefit of the doubt after he knows the truth about her, yet I never got the benefit of the doubt before during or after<P>He excuses her actions and motives by saying I'm overreacting, and if he can't get out of it that way he says that he used her so he deserved being used.<P>Even when he admits how bad she is he says it as if it is good.<P>He admits that he can't think badly of any part she played in the whole thing so what is it going to take to ever ruin brign this perfect memory he has of her into perspective. He says he wished he had never done it, but who of us would willing turn down the opportunity to have such a wonderfully perfect memory like he has built it up to be in his mind.<P>It has been over 18 months since I found out and I am not sure how long before that he ended it. What he says doesn't add up and I have given up trying to get the truth out of him about it. Even after 18 months he is blind. He swears he doesn't love her and never really did. He says the feelings he had were because it felt even more wrong to have a sexual relationship with a person you don't have an emotional relationship with.<P>Three is a crowd and there is still definitely three in our relationship. He says that there isn't for him, only for me, but as long as he feels affection for her then she will be there as far as I'm concerned.<P>He has never told her to go away. He says she has gone away, but I feel that is only because her attentions are elsewhere right now. We are the first marriage she has assaulted that hasn't ended in divorce, and she definitely still has her claws in him. He knows about the other affairs and that she lied to him about them before, yet he denies she has her claws in him. He feels sorry toward her that he had the affair with her. He didn't hurt her, he did exactly what she set out to get him to do.<P>He says that he couldn't take what he did so lightly as to be able to just pretend she wasn't something important to him at the time, yet he expects me to be able to take it so lightly that I can allow her to remain in our relationship. He also excuses her that she took it so lightly and that in the end it nothing to her.<P>We are supposed to be one flesh, not one flesh with remnants of this other person mixed in basically taking credit for anything good that happens in our marriage from here on out.<P>She even told me that she hoped she was able to teach him how to be a better lover and that she feels their relationship can lead to our marriage being better in the future. "Sometimes it just takes something like this to put a marriage back in the right track". She even told me she was glad she could help us. When he found out about it he was furious that she would say something just to hurt me, but excused it as her way of dealing with the pain. He also told me I shouldn't have let it bother me. (The bad guy again)<P>I can't compete. There is so much water under the bidge and such a history of love busters. How do I compete with a year (+/- who knows the real truth) of blissful happiness?

We have been fighting since I came home. We have friends coming for the weekend and he blames my Unreasonable Behavior on that. He says I do this every time. Once again he finds a away to place the blame on me. My problem is her. My problem is the delema of whether or not to tell him some of the things she said about him and them. I have told him a lot, but not all.<P>You see, a friend of mine was a Husband Collector before she became a Christian. She explained to me that it isn't the man, or even the sex, that usually isn't very good, (I won't get into that) It is the conflict. Her statement about letting me come and vent was sincere. She was hoping I would call her and vent, that was part of the fun. She told me that I needed to call her and "See how she is doing" thus throwing that technic right back in her face. Then I need to open up a dialog about why, but whatever I did I needed to not get upset and act like I wanted more info. She told me eventually the woman would become more and more vindictive in order to try to get me worked up. The calmer I became the more vindictive she would become until all of a sudden the wind was taken from her sails and it was not longer fun. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I had to do it to make the game not fun anymore for her. I had to listen to this woman tell me more and more terrible things knowing that even telling my H wouldn't cause him to think less of her, knowing some of it was true, some was a lie and some was a little of both and I would never truly know what was what. <P>He excused her again and said that I radomly decide whether or not she is telling the truth. So basically he is saying, she isn't bad she was just lying to you to make you mad and you are being unreasonable enough to believe her. What does it matter if it was the truth or a lie. She told me all sorts of things knowing that if I told him he wouldn't believe me and we would fight, therefore she comes out the winner. If I didn't tell him then I would have to keep it inside and therefore she comes out the winner. What is so irritating is how he responds to anything she has done as if it was excusable, I shouldn't have let it bother me, I shouldn't have gotten myself into the situation in the first place or if all else fails he will say it doesn't matter anymore so stop being so weak that you have to obcess over it. Anyway you look at it I lose because he thinks less of me and at the very best, no less of her.